Chapter Twenty-Three
Ryan tried to think of the best way to tell Aria his story but there really wasn’t one.
After Whitney left and they checked on Sophie they went to the den.
He just plunged in. “You know Connor and I served together.
He was a medic attached to the same field hospital where I worked.
Connor was in love with Casey, another medic who also worked with us.
They were crazy about each other. Or at least, at first they were.
“As time went on Casey started flirting with me. Initially I thought it meant nothing. That it was harmless. I never flirted with her. In fact, I tried not to be around her unless Connor was there. The problem was, I was in love with her too.”
“Oh, Ryan. That must have been hard.”
He shrugged. “There was no way I could do anything about it. Connor was nuts over her, and he was my best friend. We were as close as brothers.”
“What happened?”
“Casey broke up with him. She told him she was in love with me. Then she came to me and told me the same.”
“Did you—did you and she—”
He shook his head. “She kissed me. I kissed her back. Then I told her there would never be anything between us. That I didn’t love her and never would.
She refused to believe me, but she left.
Later that day, she and Connor went to pick up some soldiers injured when a roadside bomb blew up their Humvee.
There was a secondary explosion. Casey was caught in it. ”
He still had problems whenever he thought about that day. What could he have done differently? If he hadn’t turned her down, would she have paid more attention? Would it have mattered?
“Connor brought her in. We worked for hours. I did everything I could think of but it was no use. She died on the table.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“So was I. Connor was a wreck. It took him a long time to deal with it. He didn’t, really, until he met Sierra.”
“I’m glad they found each other.”
“Yeah, me too. After I got out, I could never stay long in one place. Connor could never stay with one woman, until he met Sierra. I figured that Casey’s death had a lot to do with it, but I never connected that fact to why I had to move on.
To why I couldn’t stay with one woman. I didn’t want to.
Until you.” He shook his head. “You were the first woman I could see being with for good. You were so damn smart. You were independent to a fault. It didn’t hurt that you’re gorgeous. Or that the sex was amazing.”
“I wish you could have told me. Talked to me. Have you ever talked to anyone about this?”
“Like a shrink? No, not really. A few people at the VA tried to talk to me, but that was just general, war-is-hell shit. Nothing specific. Nothing about Casey. Hell, I couldn’t even talk to Connor about it until recently. And he was there.”
“I understand better now,” Aria said. “So you left because you were afraid if you fell in love with me, it would blow up in your face?”
“Maybe. Partly. I think it was more that I didn’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve to be happy with you.”
“Because you couldn’t save a patient?”
“No. Because I couldn’t save Casey.” And because he’d wanted Casey so badly that he was afraid the only thing that stopped him from eventually giving in and screwing over his best friend was Casey’s death.
*
Aria was glad Ryan was finally talking to her. And it had helped her understand him and his behavior better. She doubted she’d ever understand completely. But what she really didn’t get was what changed between when he walked out and now, when he professed to love both Aria and Sophie?
“Why did you change your mind? What made you decide you could love Sophie and me?”
“I did nothing but think of you since I left you. I dated other women. Nice women. Pretty women. But I didn’t want them. None of them were you.”
“But you didn’t try to see me. You didn’t even call.”
“What would I have said? ‘I miss you. I need you. Can you forgive me for being an idiot?’”
“Well, yeah. It would have been a start. But you didn’t. So what changed?” she asked again.
“When I saw you in the grocery store, I knew I’d been kidding myself to think I’d gotten over you.
That I ever would get over you. Then I saw the baby and you told me I was her father.
I was the father of this perfect little girl.
I’d have done anything to be a part of her life.
To be a part of your life. But you hated me. And I couldn’t blame you.”
“I never hated you. But I had the baby and I couldn’t afford to rely solely on my emotions. Sophie was the important one. Everything else took a back seat to doing what was best for her.”
“You do that every day. You’re an amazing mother.
I might not deserve happiness, but you and Sophie do, and I want to be able to give that to you.
I want you so badly, Aria. Seeing you again made me realize how damn much I’d missed you.
How stupid I’d been to leave you. I want it all. You, Sophie, and the dream.”
“The dream?”
He smiled. The one that always made her realize how much she wanted him.
“It’s not picket fences but it’s close. A family to love.
A family who loves me. A dog. Maybe two dogs.
More babies. Marietta. I’ve gotten attached to it.
I have my friends, I have a rewarding career, and what would make it perfect is you, Sophie, and me together. I want to marry you and be a family.”
Oh, God, he was asking her to marry him? “Ryan, I—”
He held up a hand. “Don’t worry. I know you’re not ready, and I’m not sure you’ll ever be able to trust me again. I wish I knew what to do to prove to you that I love you and Sophie and want to be with you always. But I don’t, so I guess I’ll just keep on trying.”
He got up and looked down at her with a smile. “I’m working tomorrow night. I’ll give you a call and see how you’re doing.” He leaned down to kiss her. “See you later.”
“Do you have to leave?”
“I think I should. Until you know you want me here, if you ever do, I should stay at my place. But I’ll be around and if you ever need me all you have to do is call.”
Once, she’d believed that she could live in the moment with Ryan. That she could love him and have him for as long as it lasted, and once it ended she could deal with it. As long as Ryan continued to be involved with Sophie, and she knew he would, she could deal with whatever happened.
She’d been wrong.
*
Aria saw Steven a number of times over the next few weeks.
He looked more tired, more frail each time she saw him.
But he was always happy to see her, and she could tell that he looked forward to their talks.
They talked a lot, mostly about Aria’s life now, but also about her mother.
She told him the truth about their life and how hard it had been.
But she also told him that her mother had never said a word against her father.
And that Aria believed her mother had loved him until the day she died.
She’d wondered about the wisdom of telling him how hard his absence had made their lives.
But he’d demanded the truth, so she told him.
One day Ryan went with her, and they took Sophie to see him. Sophie was seven months old now and very verbal, although no one could understand what she was saying. Ryan swore he could, though. Aria told him he was dreaming. Not only was Steven charmed by Sophie, but the whole facility was as well.
The next time Aria went to see him, Steven wanted to know about Ryan, and she wound up telling him the whole story, from when they met until the present.
He made a good audience. Occasionally, he’d ask questions, but he seemed content to let her talk and tell him as little or as much as she wanted him to know.
They talked about the baby, of course. And about her business.
“You’re the reason I love plants,” she said one day.
“How am I the reason?”
“It was the African violet you gave me all those years ago. I’ve loved plants ever since.
I always had a lot of them wherever I lived.
So when I quit my hospital administrator job and had Sophie, I decided I was finally going to do something I loved.
Something to do with plants. Marietta seemed like a good place to raise a child and start a nursery business. And Ryan was here.”
“You love him, don’t you?”
“Yes.” She closed her eyes. “So much.”
“Are you going to forgive him?”
She opened her eyes and frowned. “There’s nothing to forgive. The whole thing with the Realtor was a misunderstanding. I-I jumped to the wrong conclusion.”
“I didn’t mean that. I meant for leaving you back in Denver.”
“Oh, that.” She tried not to focus on the past. But she couldn’t forget it. “I did forgive him. That isn’t the problem. No matter that I love him and forgave him, I don’t trust him not to do it again.”
“You don’t know what I’d do to be able to change the past. To never have left you and your mother. To never have lost all those years.”
“You couldn’t help it. You were sick.”
“And Ryan wasn’t?”
“He never talked about his army career. I had no idea he was still having a hard time with what had happened. I didn’t know.”
“From what you’ve told me, neither did Ryan.”
“I’m scared. What if we get together and it doesn’t work out? Or he decides again that he has to leave?”
“What if he doesn’t and you have your whole lives together?”
*
Between work and trying to give Aria space, Ryan didn’t see her or Sophie for several days. It about killed him not to see them but Aria knew how he felt. If things were ever going to work out between them, she had to be the one to instigate it. And if she didn’t?
He was screwed. Oh, he knew he’d still see Sophie. Eventually they’d need to come to some kind of custody agreement. He knew Aria didn’t want to share custody, but he also knew her sense of fairness would come into play and they’d work something out.
He had resigned himself to losing Aria except as a co-parent. He’d finally told her about his past. But apparently it hadn’t been enough. Connor invited him and Aria and Sophie over for dinner. He turned him down and told him to call Aria.
“What happened?” Connor asked. “Did you have a fight?”
“No. But we broke up. She’s never going to trust me again and there’s nothing I can do to change it. I tried but it’s pointless.”
“Did you tell her about Casey?”
“Yes. I told her everything. But it didn’t make a difference. She still can’t trust me not to leave her again. To tell you the truth, I don’t think she wants to trust me.”
“Damn, I’m sorry, Ryan.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“What are you going to do? You’re not giving up, are you?”
“What else can I do? She doesn’t love me. She did once, but I blew it.” He’d bared his soul, but it had been too little too late. And he was too damn tired and depressed to try again.
Someone beeped in on his phone. “Gotta go, Connor. Thanks, though.” He clicked over. “Hello.”
“Ryan, hi,” Aria said.
“What’s up? Is Sophie okay?”
“She misses you.”
“I miss her too.” And you, he thought.
“Can you come over after work? I’ll have something we can eat too.”
“You don’t need to feed me. I’ll get something after I put Sophie to bed.”
“That’s silly. Just let me feed you.”
He really didn’t want to sit around eating dinner with Aria as if nothing had changed. But he also didn’t want to argue. “I’ll be there as soon as I get off work.” As much as he didn’t want to see Aria, knowing they were over, he would take any chance he had to see Sophie.