Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
Algernon Sweet was as transparent as glass. Laura knew what he was attempting to do with these ridiculous hourglass meetings between herself and Nash. She’d suffered two weeks of embarrassment as they rehashed the past, but the hours always ended the same way. Her leaving flustered and Nash irritated.
It seemed Nash saw little wrong in the way they had lived together as man and wife before the old duke’s death, or if he did he didn’t admit it before his brother.
Algernon, though, clearly believed that they had too much in common, remembered too much about each other, to ever let their marriage end. He was relentless, dragging out the smallest, most insignificant spats and moments as if they had been earth-shattering events. What they were, collectively, was a sign of how wrong they’d been together.
Unfortunately, discussing those memories hurt and exposed wounds she’d thought were long healed. Yes, she knew how Nash took his tea, and what he was wearing the night they first danced together here, and how handsome he’d looked that evening.
He had been asked to partner her, and she’d spent her first nerve-racking dance in public in his strong arms.
Later, he’d done his duty again and proposed marriage to her, instead of Algernon being forced to do so.
Yet, like many other arranged marriages it was done to provide the one powerful family with the dowry from another ambitious family. Father had wanted the distinction, and any match to a brother would do for him after Algernon refused to offer for her. Laura had done her duty and agreed because, out of the two brothers, she had preferred Nash’s company best of all then.
He was bright and well-mannered and she could find no fault in him then. But his consideration had been an illusion because he had ceased caring about her opinion as soon as their first son was safely delivered.
When the marriage was dissolved, she would have autonomy for the first time in her life, but she would have to relinquish control over her children to their father permanently. She’d never had any say in how they’d ever been raised until now and after the divorce her influence would be fleeting at best.
The future without Nash was full of uncertainties. Still, it was a heady feeling to know a complete escape was almost within her grasp.
If only they could talk about the future and not constantly revisit the past. She would like to make arrangements to visit with her children upon their divorce. To have something concrete written down and beyond dispute or discussion.
But the duke was determined to discuss and pick over every facet of their failed married life first.
The hourglass on the corner of his desk seemed to take an eternity to empty some days. “Now, Laura. I want to discuss Isabelle. Why did you not tell your husband you carried his child before Isabelle was born?”
Laura inhaled. “I didn’t want her taken from me.”
“I would not have done that,” Nash insisted.
“But you would have insisted on dragging me back here for the birth.”
“So I could take care of you,” he said, not looking at her.
She sighed. “That is why I couldn’t bear it again.”
Ravenswood frowned. “Is there something wrong with a husband taking care of his wife at such a time?”
“All he cared about was seeing another heir for the estate born healthy,” she insisted.
“That is not true. I cared about your welfare, too,” Nash replied.
She turned to stare at him. “And after? Besides knowing to the day when we could share intimacy again, somehow, I hardly saw you once Thomas and Liam were born. After months of coddling, suddenly you were never around.”
“I left a nursemaid and father had his physician here,” Nash reminded her.
“Yes, and he visited me too often,” she said, shuddering. “Your father believed the cure for my bouts of melancholy was to have me bled.”
Nash exhaled. “No. I gave strict instructions you were not to be.”
Laura narrowed her eyes on him. “Do you really believe your father agreed with that? I tried to tell you. I wrote.”
“I received no letters from you.”
They stared at each other a long painful moment and Laura saw the exact moment Nash realized he had been manipulated.
She faced the duke, unsettled by his shock.
The duke’s expression though was dark, furious.
She inhaled a shuddering breath. They really hadn’t known. “After Liam was born, when Nash and everyone was gone from the estate, I was doctored almost to death’s door at your father’s order. I could not help but cry somedays and your father had no compassion for women. He insisted I be bled to calm my nerves before I saw the children. Eventually I became too weak to climb the stairs. I could barely rouse myself out of bed most mornings and I feared then that my husband would not come back. I had no choice but to leave and save myself. It was the only way I could have survived.”
“I didn’t know,” Nash whispered in horror. “I swear I did not know about any of that.”
“I wrote to you about it,” she said, brushing her left arm, her worst scar lay hidden under the long sleeves of her gown. She could never uncover her arms in public again. People would whisper about the damage done to her skin. “I gather your father read my letters and disposed of them.”
“Why did you not tell me or anyone of us what was going on,” Algernon asked softly.
“His grace made sure I was never left alone with any of you for long enough once his special treatments started,” she noted. “And there was always one of his personal servants hovering nearby whenever I had strength to leave my room. They would call you away if our conversations continued beyond pleasantries.”
Nash drew close. “I received no letters, no warnings of what was going on here, Laura. I thought you angry with me for being away again and never wrote.”
She sucked in a sharp breath. “I was angry with you. I am still angry.”
Nash bowed his head. “And given what I’ve heard today I deserved that anger. I did not protect you and I should have.”
An uncomfortable silence descended upon them and Laura let out a shaky breath. There. The worst of it was out in the open.
Algernon slammed his palm the table. “I remember Mother being bled, especially after Stratford was born. No doubt that’s where father got the ridiculous idea it was beneficial for a ladies health.”
“And a fine way to control a disobedient woman with no husband around to notice,” Laura whispered.
“I told him again and again that its madness to bleed too often,” Nash growled. “He could have killed her.”
“I think that was the intention, brother,” Algernon murmured with a shake of his head.
“Damn him, a thousand times over,” Nash cursed, bursting to his feet. He stormed about the room, raking a hand through his hair.
Laura smoothed her skirts over her thighs. Her cuts had long since healed but her fear was still there. “When Isabelle came I was relieved she was born a girl. The Sweets never seemed to have any interest in their daughters until they neared marriageable age. She was safer with me and I thought you would only have been disappointed that I delivered a daughter anyway.”
“That is not true,” he swore, returning to his chair and pulling it closer to hers.
She let out a shaky breath, struggling to contain her emotions. “I was nothing in this family but breeding stock.”
“She has a point,” Algernon said, surprising her with his agreement. “Father treated Mother poorly and tried to force you do the same to Laura, as well.”
“I did not treat Laura as breeding stock.” He insisted. “She was my wife.”
“Yes.” She dropped her eyes. “And you couldn’t wait to get back into my bed after Liam was born too.”
Nash hissed. “Because I enjoyed being with you! I liked…”
When he didn’t continue, she glanced at him. He was staring at Algernon, head tipped to one side, an odd look on his face.
“Very well,” the duke said and stuck his fingers in his ears. “I won’t listen. Continue.”
Nash leaned toward her and his hand landed on her arm. “I enjoyed watching you climax.”
She stared at that hand on her arm, troubled by how quickly the warmth seeped through her sleeve. His hand covered some of her worst scars that had been gouged too deeply and the slowest to heal. She flicked his hand away. “How could you see me? We always made love in complete darkness.”
“There was often moonlight, but perhaps saying I watched you is the wrong term.” Nash glanced at his brother, then leaned closer still to whisper, “I could always tell when your peak approached. You would twist and writhe. Grab my hair, my body, and then sob my name. My eagerness to return to your bed was to satisfy my need to satisfy you again.”
Laura met his gaze and instantly felt a surge of desire rock through her entire body. She blushed, remembering all too well how it had felt to have Nash near in her bed at night.
Yes, Nash had been an exciting visitor to her bed. She had not believed it was for her benefit as much as his, though.
But given the look in his eye, the words he said now, she grudgingly accepted he might mean it.
She gulped, unsure of what to say to him now. He had never once left her unsatisfied. He was watching her now, waiting to hear that she had enjoyed his attentions. But if she admitted how much she had, she feared it would weaken her argument for their divorce.
She glanced at the duke sitting nearby with his fingers in his ears and his eyes turned to the window to give them some privacy, and then the hated hourglass between them, just as the last grains fell.
“Time’s up,” she whispered.
Laura stood and walked calmly from the room despite her husband’s entreaties to stay. She slipped into another chamber and leaned against the door as her legs buckled. She sank untidily to the floor, ashamed and embarrassed.
The trouble with her marriage was that the intimacy between them in bed at night had been unforgettable. Always pleasurable, but when dawn came there was only ever emptiness that remained and a dented pillow where his head had been.
She couldn’t go back to that wretched existence. Waiting for him in vain.
A knock sounded on the door. “Laura,” Nash whispered.
Damn him .
Could he not give her a moment of peace? She shut her eyes and willed him to go away, but of course, he knocked again. “I wanted to visit your family’s estate and make sure all is well there. If you want to come with me, I can have your horse saddled and made ready for you. I’ll wait for you at the stables for one hour.”
His footsteps went away, and she put her head in her hands. She wanted to go home desperately, but she did not have one anymore.
She took a deep breath and climbed to her feet, feeling steadier.
Home had never been Ravenswood, but an estate now irreparably changed by the fire that had consumed it.
However, it was curious that Nash suddenly wished to view the ruin where she’d hidden herself for a few days after all he’d heard today. That estate was none of his concern. He could not inherit it through their marriage and nor would she.
She went upstairs to her children but was informed the duke had conscripted Jasper and Sophie to watch over them for a few hours more.
“We have no objection,” Jasper promised, jiggling Isabelle in his arms and tickling Liam. “I’ve grown quite fond of playing with them all.”
They were the picture of a happy family. Without her.
She ground her teeth and considered ordering them out, but she had left something of hers in the ruins of the estate and wanted to fetch it back herself. “Careful, Jasper, or you might end up with a dozen of your own.”
“If they are as adorable as these three, then I would be a very lucky man indeed,” he promised, and then kissed Sophie’s cheek.
Laura winced, hating the feeling of jealousy that rose at the obvious affection between the newly engaged pair. It was a reminder of what her own courtship and marriage had lacked.
Eventually, she nodded. She trusted Jasper and she would have no opportunity to return until after her thirty days here were up.
Time was short. There were two weeks left of their arrangement and she couldn’t seem to go anywhere without her husband following two steps behind lately.
A maid was waiting in her room to change her into a riding habit on the duke’s order. It was an old gown of hers. Something she’d left behind when she’d fled her marriage and forgotten all about. “Where did this come from?”
“It’s from your other trunks. The ones Lord Nash ordered stored, and then had brought down from the attics not long after you returned. My apologies for taking so long to air and press everything ready to wear again.”
“Show me,” she said, curiosity getting the better of her.
She went to the adjoining dressing closet and instead of the few gowns she’d traveled with, she found a mountain of garments she’d almost forgotten, including the ballgown she’d worn when Nash had proposed. Of course, it did not fit her anymore.
The collection was everything she’d left behind…and more that she could not remember purchasing. She sorted through everything, puzzled by the unexpected excess. “These are not all mine.”
“Oh, but they are,” the maid promised. “I remember when the last delivery came. You were gone from the estate. But they were all hung up in wait for your return but…but you never did.” The maid winced. “They stayed untouched until last year, when Lord Nash ordered everything packed away.”
Her breath caught. Had Nash purchased her new gowns while he’d been away from her? She hadn’t been here to receive them, of course, but Nash had not known that at the time. And he’d kept them hanging in her wardrobe until a year ago.
A year ago, she had been carrying his child and more determined never to come back to him.
Just when she thought Nash was truly heartless and cold, she finds out he’d done something nice for her for a change. It was too little too late, of course. A few pretty dresses and sentimentality hardly made up for the emptiness he’d left in his wake.
She changed into the older riding gown, glad it still fitted her, and asked for all the garments with short sleeves that would reveal her scars to be packed away. She made her way down to the stables when that was done.
Nash was looking out over the grounds, changed already. One booted foot resting on the ladies’ mounting block as he looked over his family domain. He was not the young man she’d married and yet he was the same in many ways. Handsome and always so wretchedly serious.
He turned before she reached him, and his eyes swept over her from head to toe. But he did not smile and said nothing as he helped her mount her horse sidesaddle.
He swept up onto his own horse and led the way from Ravenswood without a word. Once they had left the estate behind, he brought his horse into step with hers. “I wanted to talk to you out here about what happened while I was gone.”
“It’s in the past,” she said, shrugging.
“But it isn’t, is it?” He sighed. “You bear the scars to remind you every day of my failings. You were right to leave, to protect yourself from further harm. My only regret is that I cannot turn back the clock and do what needed to be done.”
“What was needed?”
“I should have killed him for the pain he caused you,” Nash said and then kicked his horse to a gallop.
Laura did not follow him but she watched him ride away, clearly angry and not wanting her to see his fury. Laura had not that need anymore. She had cursed the old man, and Nash, too, until her throat was hoarse. Now all she felt was emptiness where hope should have been.
Eventually Nash returned, windswept but appearing somewhat more composed. He apologized for riding off so suddenly and she forgave him. They crossed the border and left Ravenswood land.
“The place is badly overgrown, I fear,” Nash warned, ducking as low-hanging branches began to impede their way. Finally, the crumbling outbuildings came into sight. “Perhaps we’d best travel the rest of the way on foot.”
“The path is perfectly safe for riding,” Laura told him, taking the lead. She knew her way home like the back of her hand. She was no stranger to the ruined estate. She had come here several times since leaving Nash, not that he seemed aware of her visits to the district. The first time was to put flowers on her parents’ graves.
Her home had once been so beautiful. Warm and inviting and a place filled with laughter and love. But now it was only an empty, burnt-out husk. Full of scorched timbers and fallen masonry. Any laughter long gone.
Laura had already left Nash when the manor house had been lost. The fire seemed to have started in the observatory. All the glass was gone, melted into puddles and mixed with ash. Likely a candle had been left lit and caused another spark that, unnoticed, had let the fire spread until it was an unstoppable blaze.
She had lost her father in that blaze. Her mother had already passed away before she’d been brought out. Her brother had suffered minor burns to his hands, or so she’d heard.
But the extent of the damage had been so great that the estate was abandoned almost immediately by him, and he began a thoroughly disreputable life at his other property south of London where he’d died.
Laura turned her horse toward the kitchen garden and followed the enclosing wall before dismounting, using the mounting block.
“Well, here it is in all its glory,” she murmured. “Home.”
“Ravenswood is home,” Nash countered.
“Never my home,” she reminded him. Walking on to get a better view of the building and away from her husband, she could feel the sadness and dread this old place inspired returning to depress her spirits, just as bad as it had the first time she’d seen it all.
Her old room on an upper floor was long gone, all that remained in a livable condition was a small portion of the servants’ quarters, the part half buried into the hillside beneath their feet.
She headed for the only working doorway.
“Are you sure it is safe to go in there,” Nash called.
“Safe enough for me,” she answered. “Remain outside if you are afraid.”
“I am not afraid, but I would not like you to be hurt.”
“You never worried about me these past years,” she replied.
He rushed her and caught her arm, held her back. “I worried about you, but what could I do when you left no forwarding address?”
“You did not look very hard. I was found within a month,” she said, glaring at him. “Offered a safe place to stay away from the rest of the family.”
“Who took you in?”
“Does it matter?”
“Yes, it matters because you didn’t stay away from me,” he hissed. “You came back to me once. You seduced me.”
“Seducing you was a mistake I will not make again,” she promised.
He pursed his lips. “Is Isabelle a mistake to you, too?”
She ripped her arm from his grip, annoyed that he would use their daughter as a weapon to hurt her. “I could never regret Isabelle. She is my daughter. My blood. My family. What I regret is my own weakness. The wife you knew is gone, Nash. Just like the fortune I brought to our marriage, I assume. That is the only reason for the duke to keep me here, hoping I will comply with his wishes. The funds I brought to our marriage swallowed up by the needs of yet another duke.”
He held her in place. “What have you heard about that and from whom?”
She had but one source of reliable gossip about her husband, and she would not betray them for the world. Not after all they’d done for her. “The old duke was fond of spending money he simply didn’t have, and lived on credit. And you had my money and gave it to Algernon, didn’t you? I’m certain you’ve paid whatever debts Algernon inherited from the old man to save face until he takes a rich wife.”
“We all have offered whatever money we have,” Nash admitted, which surprised her. Once they’d married and he had her dowry, she’d been constantly informed that matters of money and finance were none of her concern. “We had hoped Algernon would be quick about making his choice known.”
“Quick is not Algernon’s way. He is very much like your father. Waiting and watching for the right moment.”
“Algernon has many responsibilities and problems to attend to first. Whoever he marries affects us all.”
“Not me. Not anymore, though I suppose our children will always suffer his whims, since he’s almost as fond of ordering our lives as your father always did. You don’t wish to be with me.”
“I wished to go riding with you today,” Nash insisted.
“But was it your first thought or his suggestion? Have you ever just put your foot down and said no to your family?”
Nash suddenly stomped said foot.
Laura stared at her husband, startled.
He winced. “Spider.”
She glanced down to see the large flattened creature revealed when Nash lifted his foot. Laura yelped and scurried back from her husband. Nash stooped to pick it up with a stick and immediately carried it away from her.
Laura removed her gloves and wiped her damp hands on her riding habit.
He came back quickly, dusting off his hands. “It won’t bother you again.” He smiled quickly. “I still remember how much you dislike them.”
She exhaled a breath. “Jasper always thought my fear highly amusing.”
“Jasper learned the hard way that teasing you was not something to do again,” Nash promised.
“The hard way?”
“A dozen such creatures left in his bed one night ensured he was no longer amused by spiders and developed a fear of his own.”
She glanced at her husband in surprise. “You did that to one of your brothers?”
He nodded. “I would not let them torment my wife as they might try with me.”
“Yet your father could not be stopped?”
Nash continued down the abandoned hall. “Obviously not. He was the duke but if he was here now there’s no telling what I’d do to him.”
She hurried after him down the dark passageway, surefooted in the gloom. “Did you hate him?”
“I…” Nash shook his head. “I feared him. He was my father. I wanted to please him.”
“And did you?”
“In some things, I suppose I came close,” Nash admitted as they entered the kitchens. It was cold and dank, barely discernible with the feeble light leeching through high, grubby windows. He looked around, prowled the room, inspecting everything that remained. “The room is fairly dry. I had believed the house was damaged beyond repair down to the foundations.”
“My brother probably wished it had been so,” Laura suggested. “He was much happier in London.”
“You were with him there?”
“No. I was staying with a friend of mine.”
His gaze narrowed. “The year when Isabelle was conceived.”
“Obviously, that year.”
Nash nodded. Unnerved by the calm way he accepted her words now, Laura turned away from Nash and went to a cupboard. Inside was small statue she’d found forgotten in the rubble. While her back was turned she whipped off her wedding band from her finger too and clenched it in her fist for a moment.
She would not take the ring with her when she left, though perhaps Nash would give it to his next bride. Her fingers clenched the ring even tighter and she forced herself to drop it on the shelf and closed the door.
Laura pulled on her gloves quickly to hide her bare finger as she realized her husband was standing directly behind her back again.
He cleared his throat. “Why?”
“Why what?”
“After all that was done to you, why approach me in London? Why risk being found? Father was still alive then.”
“I wanted to see if you remembered me.”
“I never forgot you. But that woman reminded me of you so strongly, I broke my vows with her.”
Laura sighed. “She was me.”
“I wanted her to be you, too, and I made myself believe it didn’t matter that she wasn’t.”
She waited for him to say more, but he did not utter a word. All she heard was his breath, fast and close by. She shivered, remembering all the times they’d met in the dark of her bedchamber. “We should head back to Ravenswood,” she whispered.
“Not yet.”
“I want to see my children.”
His fingers settled on her waist. “I want to see you.”
She swayed toward him.
“I want to see the scars.”
His words were like a bucket of water tossed over her head. “But I don’t want you to.”
Laura turned and strode out of the old kitchen, pretending she wasn’t terrified of her husband’s disgust when he saw her arms, and left Nash to find his own way out.
She was mounted on her horse, and impatient to be on her way, by the time Nash finally emerged. He was frowning and looking back at the ruins of her former home. Assessing the place, she assumed. “The kitchens are sound,” he said. “It’s a pity the rest may never be rebuilt.”
Laura marveled at the way Nash could switch off the intimate parts of his personality in an instant. “Yes, it’s a great pity. The expense of the repair would bankrupt anyone who thought to try.”
“Most likely. Still, a will and beneficiary is being looked for.”
“I wish them luck.”
He mounted his horse and drew near again. “Would you not want to see it come back to life one day and have a family live here again?”
She did, but she couldn’t bear the thought of it, too. She would never come back here again. It was too painful. “No,” she said, turning her horse away from the ruined manor house and Nash.
She dashed away the tears falling down her cheeks with the back of her hand before he saw them, vowing it was the last time she would cry over the past.