Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
Nash had never known Laura kept a journal until he found the one sitting on his pillow last night. It was not inscribed with her name or dated, but he recognized her handwriting immediately.
He had read through the first pages a few times, trying to get a sense of when it began and why she’d left it for him to find. There was no mention of who had helped her escape Ravenswood, or where she had gone to live.
It began with her surprise at discovering she was with child as his only reference point.
She had been uncommonly ill. Casting up her accounts day and night but still craving cake at odd hours like she had with their first two children. She mentioned a baker lived not far away, which meant she must have lived in a good-sized town. There were gaps in time where nothing of note must have happened. But she had begun each entry with the number of weeks since her condition became apparent, or perhaps the number represented the time since they had made love.
Either way, it gave him a clue how she had spent her days. She had not been happy, he soon discovered. Her journal did not suggest any great pleasure in her days. Just mentioned the passage of time. Bare of emotion, which told him she was troubled. Laura was always emotional. Occasionally she wrote about missing her mama’s advice and the comfort of familiar surroundings.
When he reached entries later in the journal, there was a mention of the expense of a midwife, and it became clear that she was living under someone’s charity. She spoke of a debt that could never be repaid. And then…
My Isabelle was born last Sunday. Healthy and precious, but of course, being her mama, I am entirely biased. Despite my happiness in her arrival, I have cried endlessly every day since her birth like before but worse this time, knowing I will have no choice but to give her up.
There were more entries after that, but he could not bear to continue reading them.
He clenched his jaw and closed the book carefully. He should have been with Laura before that birth. She’d been moody and her spirits had sunk after the birth of each of their sons, too. Many women suffered the same, he’d since heard.
Nash had done all he could to reassure her that all was well then, but he’d not been with her for Isabella’s arrival, and she’d only had the company of strangers.
He should have gone after Laura. He would have torn the world apart to reach her had he known of her pregnancy. He should never have let her out of his sight for as long as he had. Never trusted his father either. He should have done a great many things differently. But he could not change the past any more than he could fly.
He rubbed his tired eyes. He’d been reading all night. Unable to put down the journal until he’d read every word.
“Brother, are you crying?” Jasper whispered, standing at the doorway of his bedchamber. He wore a worried expression. “Do you have bad news or is that just a sad tale you’ve been reading?”
Nash brushed his face, realizing he had indeed been crying. He set the book under his pillow, deciding he would read it again later, and wiped away his tears. “Yes, it was sad.”
“What was it?”
He turned to Jasper and ignored the question. “Did you want something?”
Jasper held up his hands. “I just stopped by to say we are leaving for London. Algernon recommends some haste in our marriage, and Sophie, too, is eager to be wed and with her friends present. We wanted to say our goodbyes before…”
“Before what?”
Jasper winced. “Before Laura disappears from our lives again.”
Nash burst to his feet. “She will not disappear this time.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Will you come down to see us off? Sophie is waiting for us downstairs.”
“Yes, of course.”
He followed his brother down the main staircase, looking for signs of Laura and the children. He’d not heard them today and that was now unusual.
“So, you will let Laura return to see the children?”
“The duke has not agreed to support the divorce yet,” he said slowly.
“Well, not in so many words, but I’m sure he will. He always sides with you in the end,” Jasper murmured with a shake of his head. “Even when you are wrong.”
“He does not,” he warned as they reached the entrance hall. If he had, Nash would not be feeling so wretched this morning. He had made so many mistakes he could never correct. “There have been plenty of occasions when we simply could not be bothered arguing with each other. We had enough of that with Father.”
“We all did. So, is she leaving or not?” Jasper asked. “I mean, if there is any doubt or a reason to hope, I would be glad to know she will be remaining here and we’ve no need to rush back to wipe away those poor children’s tears.”
Nash blanched and his stomach pitted with dread. He did not want to think about that possibility because it might not be just them in tears. “Where will you take Sophie first in London?”
“To the theater, perhaps even to a ball if she wishes to dance. But definitely to the pleasure gardens and Bond Street. Anywhere she wants to go, really.”
“Anywhere?”
“Well, yes. I’ve had enough of making my own decisions and doing everything alone. My own company bores me now.”
He smiled quickly, but Jasper’s words were like a knife to the heart, opening his mind to the possibilities of conducting a second courtship of his wife. It was hard to woo someone in a place with so many bad memories for one of them and little to do.
He could take Laura to London next season, but he didn’t care for the idea of leaving his sons and daughter behind. He’d grown accustomed to knowing where they were. All of them. Laura especially. If they went to London, he could take her and the children to the menagerie, or sailing on the Thames, or even attend some picnics together during the day if Laura thought it a good idea.
The London town house could fit them all. But he would have to purchase some new toys to entertain his daughter. After all, there were likely not any toys for girls there and there were precious few here.
He should buy his daughter a pretty new doll.
And it was not as if he was needed here anymore. Algernon and Jasper were working well together to rebuild the future of the estate according to his plan, and although Jasper would spend time in London with his new bride he would return to the estate eventually.
Algernon caught up with them on the stairs. “I have an invitation to dine with the Fairmont family next month, but I plan to be unavailable. They have an unmarried daughter I would like to avoid. Would you care to attend in my place?”
“A pity it’s not a ball,” Jasper grumbled, taking up the invitation to read it. “The Fairmont’s do drag out their dinners until our backsides grow numb on those hard wooden chairs. I shall decline as well, and it is such a relief that we might still be in London then, too.”
Nash reached for the invitation, thinking of attending with Laura, but Algernon held it back from him.
“You won’t enjoy yourself if you go.”
“Why not?”
“Guildford is sure to attend.”
That name now set his teeth on edge. “I don’t have to speak with him.”
“But Laura surely will. Will that bother you?”
He blew out a breath. “Don’t be daft,” Nash snapped. “Unless you’re looking to break another side table.”
Algernon put his hands up in mock surrender.
“It is only polite to speak with our neighbors,” Laura claimed, joining them, without Isabelle perched on her hip but the boys following. “Where is Sophie?”
“She’ll be along at any moment,” Jasper promised. “Well…”
Jasper hugged each of them in turn and then turned to Laura. “I hope to return to find you still here when I get back,” he said to her.
She winced and embraced Jasper. “Try to behave for once.”
Jasper laughed. “Never fear, I’ve Sophie to keep me in line now, dear sister.”
“Poor Sophie,” Laura said with a laugh, “She’ll have her hands full with you.”
“That’s my plan,” he said winking cheekily.
Nash drew back as the children surged forward to hug their uncle and Sophie strolled in carrying Isabelle. “I hate to leave her.”
Jasper snatched the child from her, tickled the girl, and thrust her at Algernon. “Best keep a close eye on this one or she might take her with us.”
They all laughed.
Laura wandered over to a window and sat on a window seat. Nash joined her. Puzzled by something. “Why did you not consider Jasper?”
Laura shook her head. “And be teased mercilessly every moment of every day?”
“You have a point.”
“And Guildford?”
“I never considered him,” she promised, scowling.
“But was he courting you?”
Laura stared straight ahead and he sighed when she didn’t answer.
He lowered his voice. “I had heard he might have been a beau of yours.”
She rubbed her arm. “Who told you that?”
“Who do you think?”
Laura stilled, and then her eyes turned toward him. “I have never, ever, allowed anyone but you to kiss me.”
Nash regarded his wife. There were so many things they’d never talked about yet. Father had filled his ears with so many rumors and innuendo’s that he’d taken few seriously. But secrets could easily fester into distrust. “You kissed him.”
Laura blanched. But there was no escaping the look of shame that crossed her face. His heart sank. There had been something.
She gulped. “That happened before our engagement.”
“So you did kiss him?”
“No. He kissed me .” Laura shuddered. “I never wanted that kiss, if you could call it such a thing.”
She glanced about the room before continuing. “Guildford took me by surprise. He grabbed me by my head and forced his lips upon mine. My lip was cut in the process.”
Nash sucked in a breath, incensed. “Where were you when this kiss happened?”
“In the lane between my home and his estate. I had dropped my handkerchief somewhere and went back alone to search for it. He had it and wouldn’t give it back.”
Nash scowled. He and Laura had become engaged just before her eighteenth birthday. “How old were you?”
“Fifteen, and not out. I knew if I said anything, I might end up married to him, and I did not want that.”
Nash curled his hand into a fist at his side. “Did anything else happen I should know about?”
“No. I ran home, and I didn’t trust Guildford after that. I avoided him for some time. But before we became engaged, he started coming around again. Pretending to call on my father for his health but always attempting to catch me on the grounds alone. I never encouraged him. That’s why I started walking in the other direction, to the orchard where I met you.”
“Father knew all about Guildford’s interest somehow but he claimed you kissed him,” Nash told her, irritated that aspersions had been cast on Laura’s character when she was blameless.
“Your father lied a great deal.”
Jasper suddenly rushed to the windows overlooking the front drive and cursed out loud. “Damn it all. Guildford just arrived in the drive on horseback and brought someone with him.”
“I’ll let him wait in the library while we see you off,” Algernon announced. He glanced across at Nash. “Do continue this. Get it all out now.”
Nash studied his wife, and his heart ached for her obvious embarrassment that his brothers had heard her every word about Guildford. She should have told him long ago though. He should have been here all these years to protect her from scoundrels like him and stop the other rumors starting. “Tell me the rest.”
She gulped again. “After Thomas was born, Guildford came to call on me here a few times when you were gone. He had developed an interest in medicine and presumed to instruct me in matters of women’s health and nursing my child. Your father found us sitting too close together one day—Guildford moved toward me , not the other way round—and I could tell he assumed I encouraged him. You went away again, and whenever I tried not to be at home to Guildford, the duke would insist I meet with him. I think he wanted me to be unfaithful to you, giving you grounds for an annulment or divorce.”
“Laura’s dowry would remain with you under those circumstances, wouldn’t it Nash,” Jasper asked, drawing closer as Algernon returned to the room.
“It would have.” Nash shooed him away with a glare, remembering how Father had presented Laura’s character in the worst possible light right until the day he died. Father had believed divorce was Nash’s only option, ordering him to make haste to marry again afterward and to choose a more obedient bride this time. “Infidelity would certainly have been grounds.”
“But Guildford’s interest in me was also in pursuit of furthering his study,” Laura whispered.
“He’s a charlatan’s knowledge at best of healing. He had many ideas I disapproved of,” he murmured.
“And many more your father agreed with.” Laura shivered. “The way Guildford looks at me always makes me uncomfortable. I’m no specimen to be studied.”
“Clearly he thought you were if he comes to call on you after each child is born,” Jasper cut in.
She shivered again and inched closer to Nash just as the knocker sounded on the front door. After a moment the butler entered the room and whispered urgently to Algernon. The duke frowned at him. “What could he possibly want? Is someone unwell?”
“No, your grace,” the butler promised. “Mr. Levinson invited himself to enquire after Lady Sweet’s health of his own accord.”
Laura recoiled and he put his arm around her in concern for her reaction. “Was it Levinson that bled you?”
“Yes. Your father stood over him and watched.”
“Well, he’ll never touch you again, I swear.”
Laura let out a shaky breath and relaxed deeper into his embrace. “Send them away,” she whispered.
“My brother will,” he promised, glancing at his older brother who nodded his agreement.
“Yes, I will deal with the leech with great pleasure,” Algernon promised.
Jasper rubbed his hands together. “About time.”
“Do not get carried away, Jasper,” Nash warned.
Jasper frowned. “But they hurt her? Guildford must know all about it, too.”
“There are other ways to put them in their place,” the duke promised.
“Spoilsport,” Jasper grumbled kissed his future bride on the cheek and followed the duke from the room.
Sophie remained behind, looking worried.
Laura placed her hand on Nash’s chest. “Perhaps you should go with them. I don’t want trouble stirred up on my behalf.”
He caught her hand and raised it to his lips, kissing her bare fingers. “They deserve whatever comes their way but I would not dream of giving them the satisfaction of thinking themselves our equal and fighting them. Algernon will make them suffer in more subtle ways. They are not worth you worrying over anymore so please put them from your mind.”
She sighed and leaned a little harder into him. Nash smiled and dared not move.
“What will you do?”
“Whatever you want me to do,” he said and then drew Laura to her feet and led her to his former governess and their daughter. “Mrs. Radcliff I wish you and Jasper a safe journey and I look forward to your return as a member of our family,” he said and then took Isabelle into his arms. “Tell Jasper to take his time returning from London.”
Laura said her goodbyes too and embraced the woman as she wished her a happy marriage and a safe journey as well.
Nash drew Laura away when there seemed no more to say and they strolled into the long hall together.
Laura headed directly toward the nearest staircase and he followed. At the stairs she waited for him but she looked nervous.
“I am sorry I was not here to protect you from Levinson’s doctoring.”
She inclined her head.
“I want to see what was done,” he whispered. “But only when you are ready to show me.” Nash leaned over and pressed a kiss to her brow. “There’s no good reason to hide them from me.”
“There is every reason to hide the ugliness of them from everyone,” she said, shivering.
“Nothing about you could ever be ugly,” he promised. “You are beautiful, inside and out.”
She swayed toward him a moment and then exhaled a shaky breath. “My lord it is well past time for Isabelle’s nap, don’t you think?”
He noticed her attempt to change the subject and allowed it. “Yes, I think she must be.”
Nash urged the boys up the last flight and told them to head toward the nursery. “Turn back her bedding and wait for us there,” he called after them.
Then he set his free arm around Laura as they began to climb the last steep set. Laura did not try to remove him until they reached the landing close to the nursery. She moved out of reach suddenly and sighed. “I would like to be alone for a while.”
Nash lowered his head to hide his disappointment. He understood she was upset about their visitors but he did not like the idea of separation very much. “Shall I put Isabelle to bed for you?”
She nodded. “I’d appreciate you trying.”
Nash had watched Laura enough to have learned her way with the girl. “Will you join the children and I for luncheon?”
“I…”
“We will wait for however long it takes.”
She nodded again and Nash went to her again. He put his fingers under her chin and raised her face to his. “I will protect you from now on. You have nothing to fear here.”
He waited a beat and then kissed her softly on the lips right there in the hall.
Laura allowed it, but as soon as he lifted his head she started down the stairs again. Nash quickly went to the balustrade and watched her decent. He had surprised his wife by kissing her again but he had meant it only to seal his vow. Her health and her safety, her needs, came first with him now, as it should have done all along. “You know where I will be when you need me,” he called out to her. “Don’t be away too long.”