40. Serenity
Chapter forty
Serenity
I t's my second morning in our new apartment and I hate it. I hate everything about it. It doesn't sound, or smell right. And there isn't a broody sex club owner holding me. But I know, deep down, that this is the right move. I knew I had ADHD and anxiety before Declan but had never looked into what that meant. I just knew I didn't like the feel of the drugs, and my parents did. So, I was stuck just surviving the symptoms. When I finally started doing my own research, after Declan had done his, I realized that a lot of who I am is my ADHD brain, not the deep personality flaws I thought they were.
The running and high protein helped but then accepting that the parts of ADHD I struggled with as just my factory settings and giving myself grace has changed the way I walk through life. It's been incredible.
And then I came upon limerence.
The idea that you become obsessed with someone because of the dopamine you get when you're around them. And it shook me to my core. I knew if I wanted a real relationship with Declan, I had to prove to both myself and him that I can love him after the dopamine fades. I'm sure that I do love him, but I can also see how co-dependent we'd become, and how I went from a horrible situation to a glorious one, and how that easily could have hijacked my dopamine and made me obsessed with him on an unhealthy level.
I could never tell him that, though. The idea that the only reason I'm with him because of my lower baseline dopamine would break his heart.
And when you add onto that the fact that we built this relationship backwards, it just didn't feel strong enough to last.
So, I want this break to prove to both of us that we're truly meant to be together.
I'm also operating on faith. Faith that he can handle the lack of control that comes from not being with each other every minute of every day. And faith that he'll wait for me. I know he was having a ton of sex before me. I just have to pray that he can wait for six months. I'm not sure I can last six months without him, but surely a month or two before we cross that line again.
I'm operating on faith that I can figure out how to be an independent adult.
But this morning sucks.
I haven't slept for the last two nights. I took the bus to and from The Envelope last night but forgot to eat after my shift and had a hard time falling asleep.
I knew there was going to be an adjustment period, but this just sucks.
I hastily eat my hardboiled eggs and decaf coffee, cursing the caffeine gods that I can't have some, before lacing up my running shoes. If I'm going to prove I can adult successfully, I need to do the things for myself that I know keep me healthy, without Declan forcing me to.
It's earlier than he would usually be out, the morning sky still dark grey, when I hit the pavement.
It's three long blocks, and a bridge, before I'm jogging onto our normal path.
I'm just getting into a groove when a dark figure moves from the corner of my eye. He's another jogger, in long black pants and a black hoodie. At first the hair on the back of my neck stands up and I peak over my shoulder every few minutes to check his location. He keeps about twenty yards behind me, but when I turn from the street onto the park path, he follows. Okay, still not weird, I try to convince myself. A lot of people go running in the mornings before work.
But I'm not about to be that naive girl who senses danger and ignores it. Instead, I pause by the edge of the path and duck down, pretending to tie my shoe. The man in black slows to a stop as well, maintaining the twenty yards. I'm about to approach him, when his face appears under his hoodie.
Declan.
I want to rush to him, to hold him, to kiss him. I want to be in his arms more than I want my next breath. But he's giving me the distance I asked for.
And then it dawns on me. He's afraid for my safety. A young girl jogging in DC alone is a prime target. This is his way of making sure I'm safe, while respecting my boundaries, and it makes me smile. I know this is hard on him, and if following behind me is a compromise he needs I'll give it to him.
So, with renewed peace, I finish my run.
He follows me all the way back to my apartment, giving me a tight nod when I slip inside alone.
//text
Me: Thank you for keeping me safe.
And when I leave on my jog the next morning, there's a man in black already waiting for me, to follow twenty paces behind.