Chapter 21 #2
“To have my connection to magic.” If he had that, everything else was at his fingertips.
Noah smiled and shook his head. “No, one thing.”
“How can I choose only one thing?” He wasn’t used to thinking of one thing.
“And it has to be for you, not everyone else. What do you want? Not as a god or acting lord, but for you as a person.”
Pan blinked and stared at the lined paper. “But I am a god.”
“You are also a person. You must have wants…did you not have wants and needs before?”
“I wanted to go where I was called, where people called my name. I wanted to grant their prayers.”
“Did you? Or was it because of the magic running from them to you?”
“I’ve never thought about it.” He’d never needed to. He was both timeless and in the moment. He existed to channel magic. “What about you?”
“Smooth change of topic.” From the lift of Noah’s eyebrow and the curve of his lips, Pan knew it was said in jest.
“That doesn’t answer my question.”
Noah leaned in and closed the gap between them. His lips brushed Pan’s, and his tongue flicked over his lower lip as if seeking more, but when Pan opened his mouth to grant his wish, Noah rocked back. “I asked first.”
“You don’t know either.”
Noah frowned. “It feels wrong to ask magic for a solution to the coat.”
“You have adapted to owning it.” And it hurt that Noah was still considering getting rid of it, even though it was clearly his.
His lips curved. “It’s not so terrifying now I know how to use it.”
Pan smiled. He enjoyed watching Noah put on the coat and take it off, mostly because he liked seeing him naked. “We should go to the beach, so you can feel the turning tide.”
“I have been looking for the tides, those points of change, and I’m getting there, but it still feels out of grasp.”
“In both forms?”
Noah paused. “I haven’t tried in the other. Will you be horribly jealous if I can?”
“Yes.” It would be torture. “But I will pin you down and kiss you until you surrender a taste to me so that I do not starve.” He trapped Noah against the kitchen table and cupped his jaw to kiss him, leaving no doubt about how hungry he was for magic.
He pressed his hips closer as Noah’s dick hardened. “If we were alone…”
Noah swallowed. “I think you like sucking my dick as much as you like magic.”
Pan laughed. “Maybe.” Before the collapse, he would’ve scoffed at the idea of being on his knees. “But only yours.”
At the house Noah shared with his aunt and uncle, they always had to be quiet and careful, even though everyone knew they were together.
Noah said it was not polite to flaunt it.
Not only that, they were both worried Noah was too deep in mythological business—and they didn’t even know about the coat. Only Linda did.
And in the palace, it felt as though he was on call, which made it hard to relax.
“If I were being completely selfish, I would like my own place. It doesn’t need to be an entire house, but somewhere I can retreat.” A place where he could just be.
“Did you have one on Tariko?”
“I did. Shrines in forests. Temples in cities that had been abandoned. I’d go and clean them up…
it’s how I took the name Silas Wilde, temple attendant for Pan—it’s not seemly for a god to clean his own temple or maintain a shrine.
Sometimes, it was very nice to sit in front of a fire in my own place, listen to the prayers, and do nothing but send magic to those who asked.
It wasn’t all naked parties, alcohol, and sex. They do get exhausting at times.”
“I wouldn’t know.”
“Everyone should go to an orgy at least once.”
“Meave would probably agree with you.”
Pan smiled. “She does.”
Noah covered his ears with his hands. “I do not want to know.”
Pan kissed the end of his nose. “I will wish for my own place. What will you write? To go home?”
“No. Is it wrong to admit that I’m enjoying this?
Not the destruction and the sadness, and I still see the bodies when I close my eyes.
” He shivered. “But I like helping and trying to find a solution. Even when the first and second and third ideas don’t work.
Maybe that’s why I was studying counseling. ”
“You have a good heart.” Better than his. Noah didn’t need to do anything to help. There was no magic calling him and no prayers demanding his attention. He was choosing to be involved and make other people’s lives better. He didn’t even want them to worship him.
“I could wish for more human help, but that isn’t the spirit of the wish.”
“It is not,” Pan confirmed. “It is not always easy to find what you want when you have lived for others.”
“Or when I have spent my life seeking something without knowing what it was.”
Noah would always be seeking something. It was in his nature, even if he was content. “Later, we can direct magic to those bigger things.”
He was including Noah when touching magic, hoping that maybe if they were working together, magic would be more responsive.
But he wasn’t only making requests, he was willing it to heal and connect.
Which might be useless, but it was worth trying.
Destroying an entire world must’ve created a tear in the universe.
He appreciated the Strega’s thoughts on magic. They always had wisdom, which he didn’t find when talking to other gods.
Noah raked his teeth over his lip. “I like the idea of our own place…unless you’re trying to get rid of me and you want it for yourself.”
“I’m not trying to get rid of you. In my heart, I want you there, and we will have a giant bathtub with running water.”
“That seems highly unlikely.”
“Then it is the perfect wish to toss into the fire.” He kissed him again, wishing they could escape into the palace for a bit.
Someone coughed.
Pan sighed and stepped back.
The Strega stood in the doorway. “Noah, your friends are getting ready to perform.”
His cheeks were pink, but he was smiling. “Okay. We were just writing out wishes for the fire.”
She smiled. “That is usually done on paper, not with tongues.”
Noah scribbled his wish and slipped out of the kitchen. Pan’s gaze followed.
“You genuinely like him.” She appeared puzzled.
It was easy to like Noah. “Is there something wrong with that?”
“I have never known a god to open their heart.”
What was that supposed to mean? “Do you know many gods?”
“Hel was a frequent visitor in Calla…but I have not seen her since the collapse.”
Fear caught on his ribs and made it hard to breathe. “Fuck. I cannot be the only one.”
“I feel the same. I wish to connect with my sisters.” She held his gaze.
Pan sighed. “I hear your prayer and will do my best.”
“Go and watch him sing. I need to find the sugar.”
“That is a wish I can grant.” Pan opened a cupboard and pulled out the bag. “Will it get better, or is all this effort futile?”
“No effort is wasted…but you must also find happiness in the moment instead of living for a future not even I can see.” She tilted her head. “Go. I do not need to see the fate lines to know he wants you there.”
Pan hesitated. “He doesn’t like me because of who I am.”
“No, he likes you in spite of it.”