Chapter 4
BEAU
The seagull was back.
I blinked bleary eyes at its webbed feet perched on my windowsill as it stared at me with beady eyes. Its head moved in jerky tics as it watched me.
“Hello,” I said, my voice scratchy with sleep. It had been coming to my windowsill every day now. Should I give it a name? Jerry? “Hello, Jerry.”
It glared at me, squatted to poop, then flapped off the sill and out of sight.
Ew.
I should probably close my window…but I really liked having it open.
I slumped back against my pillow, then slipped out of bed and went straight to my computer, jiggling the mouse to wake it up.
I tried not to think about what happened last night. And the night before.
And the night before that.
I’d started wearing my noise-canceling headphones, which was an improvement, but I could still hear Lea. For the past three nights, he’d been…
My face burned.
There was an awful part of me, a dirty, shameful side that loved every second of listening to Lea pleasuring himself.
I’d never experienced anything like this in my life; it felt so forbidden, which, for whatever reason, only made me like it more.
I had to leave.
There was no point in dwelling on it, I just needed to focus and find a new place to live.
I didn’t even know where I might go, and I’d also need to rent a car again since I’d already returned the other one.
Money wasn’t an issue—I made more than enough in my line of work and had saved most of it.
I had a comfortable nest egg to fall back on, so at least that was one less thing to worry about.
I logged on and immediately pulled up my messenger app. Maybe my friends could help.
Me:
anyone know some good cities on the East Coast?
StarShine:
oooh making a move?? Fun fun fun. I think NYC’s good. Sometimes. Just avoid the parts where people are constantly getting murdered.
Dots danced, and then WhyNotBoth? appeared next to StarShine.
WhyNotBoth?:
f*ck NYC. Too crowded, you don’t like being around people. DC? You like history, right? Actually, nvm, don’t do that. DC sucks. Wait, you movin again? Already??
Me:
I just…I can’t stay here.
StarShine:
damn so that’s why you’ve been MIA. Also y not? Haven’t you and your brother been apart for like…ever?
Me:
yeah but things between us are a little awkward.
And I’m stuck living with his friend because he’s out of town doing something for work.
I thought I was gonna be living with Shea but apparently he’s hardly around in the summer, so he stays with his friends whenever he’s here.
And when we came in yesterday, his friend was only wearing… lingerie.
WhyNotBoth?:
oooh hell yes, my kinda guy. He single?
Me:
stop it!! I have no idea, I just… I could hear him through the walls the last three nights, but he was alone.
WhyNotBoth?:
umm hello?? You hit the fuckin jackpot, BoBo. Why the hell would you wanna leave? I say you stay. Sara, no more suggestions for him. He’s staying put.
StarShine:
lol *whipcrack*
Another name slid in next to theirs.
Jackpot:
I heard my name. BoBo I’m with Brian on this one for once. How long you even been there? But if you do come to NY we could finally hang out. Just sayin.
Ugh. They were the worst.
Me:
like…4 days? If you count the first one?
WhyNotBoth?:
Christ dude, settle in and enjoy the show. Aren’t you by the ocean? You always wanted to see it. Come on, how bad could it really be? And you get to spend time with Shea.
Jackpot:
Brian’s right. Again. Ugh, can’t believe I’m agreeing with him. Gotta go to class but keep me updated. Luv you BoBo!
Me:
love you, Jackie. Okay, I mean maybe you’re right. Ugh it’s just really uncomfortable. You guys know I can’t…tell anyone. About me.
StarShine:
I know baby. It’ll be okay. You do it whenever you’re ready, and if you never are, that’s okay too. But I hope one day you are. I know you’ll be happier because of it.
WhyNotBoth?:
^ yep. Much happier, in my esteemed opinion.
Me:
yeah. I know you’re probably right, but…I’m really scared. Ok, I gotta start work. Talk to you guys later.
I exited the chat and hung my head in my hands.
They were right. I knew they were right.
I couldn’t just run away because I was deeply afraid of myself.
I couldn’t abandon Shea like he’d abandoned me.
I knew how that felt, and I couldn’t put him through that.
We’d both been through enough, and he’d seemed so happy when I agreed to come here. Genuinely, ridiculously, happy.
But I also didn’t want to stay in Lea’s apartment for another night.
If Lea did that on a regular basis—which he already had been—living here would be torture. It already was, actually. Staying here any longer would be like living in a hell that was masquerading as a heaven I hardly ever let myself dream of.
Maybe I could find a hotel nearby?
I didn’t know. I should probably sit on the idea of moving so soon and give myself time to adjust. So much had happened in such a short time that of course I was overwhelmed. It was going to take more than a few days to get used to everything.
A glance at the clock told me I had ten minutes to start work, so I ran to the bathroom and did what I needed to before I’d be stuck at my desk until lunch. On the way back to my room, I caught a glimpse of Lea in a short red robe, his back to me as he walked to the kitchen and hummed quietly.
My cheeks burned as I tore my eyes away from those long legs and hurried back to my room.
Lea was everything I’d secretly fantasized about for years. He was so, so beautiful, elegant, graceful, and gorgeous.
Sexy and out and open, confident and maybe a little wild. Everything I wasn’t and would never be.
Back in Kansas, I sometimes watched videos online of people like Lea.
I would imagine myself walking hand in hand with someone as confident as him, with someone who found at least one thing about me that was worth loving, someone who could be my home.
Someone I could be a home for, too. Someone I could take care of with every ounce of love in my heart.
Lea was definitely not that person for me. Those were dreams that would never come to fruition. Not for me and not with him.
With a sigh, I got to work.
The next four hours flew by, and when it was time for my lunch break, I stood up and stretched.
Sounds of laughter and music floated in through the window, and I realized I’d never closed it.
I wasn’t sure I would, honestly. Maybe I wouldn’t mention the broken AC unit.
I liked hearing all the sounds and smelling the restaurants and fresh ocean air.
I could just get a fan if it got too hot.
I put on some jeans and a t-shirt, opened the door to my room, poked my head out, and listened.
Silence.
I stepped back into my room, hurried over to the dresser, and pulled out Lea’s Hawaiian shirt from that first day.
I’d washed it, so it didn’t really smell like him anymore.
I picked up the note I’d written and rushed down the hall to the kitchen, placed the neatly folded shirt on the counter, and set the note on top of it.
That should be fine, right? He wouldn’t be upset that I’d kept his shirt for so long, would he? Not that he’d returned my shirt, but I didn’t need it back.
And there was a deranged part of me that wished he would wear it again because seeing him in my clothes…
“Oh my god, shut up,” I hissed, rubbing my hands down my face.
I needed to focus. No, I needed to go grocery shopping and get more food, but should I really do that if I wasn’t staying?
And how I was I going to manage finding a new place when I had to work all day?
Shea was going to be so upset, too. I didn’t really feel like having that conversation.
Or arguing with him. I hated confrontation of any kind, and even though I knew he wouldn’t force me to stay somewhere I wasn’t comfortable, he’d push and push until he got the real reason out of me.
I raked my hand through my hair with a frustrated sigh. Okay, I just needed to take things one at a time and try not to overwhelm myself.
First, food.
I opened the fridge so I could check if there was even room to put a few things of my own.
The contents were sparse; there were some condiments on the door, a takeout container on the top shelf, a carton of eggs, three cherry tomatoes, and a few of those little single-serve creamers diners gave out.
Did Lea not cook? Did he just eat out all the time? Every time I’d used the kitchen to make instant noodles, it was clean and looked completely unused. No dishes in the sink, nothing scattered on the counters. Neat and spotless.
I closed the fridge and refrained from looking in the cabinets, even though I was curious. It felt like an invasion of privacy despite the fact that Lea had told me what was his was mine.
I would just pop out real quick and find somewhere I could get takeout and stretch my legs while I was at it.
I was about to pull open the door when I realized I didn’t even have a key. I hadn’t left the apartment in three days, like a true hermit, so it hadn’t even occurred to me.
I couldn’t just leave the place unlocked while I went gallivanting around town. I’d have to get something delivered, then.
A bright orange post-it note caught my eye. It was stuck beside the octopus key-hanger, and there was a ziplock baggie with a key taped under that.
Was that for me?
Beau,
Totally forgot to give you a key the other day—oops!
Voilà, here it is now. I knocked on your door the past few nights, but I wasn’t sure if you were sleeping or not and didn’t want to wake you, I get home kind of late.
Help yourself to anything in the kitchen—sorry, I don’t really have much.
I’ll be at work down at the bar all day, probably be home after eleven tonight.
XOXO
Lea
His handwriting was small and elegant, neat little rows of curling cursive letters, and I traced over the words with a light touch. The penmanship was beautiful.
My very first instinct was to save the note so I could look at it whenever I wanted, and because of how weird and creepy that was, I searched the kitchen for the trash can until I found it under the sink, then crumpled the note and threw it in the bin.
I pocketed the key and left the apartment, not having a single clue where I was going, but something akin to excitement thrummed through me.
I wished I had more than an hour so I could go down to the ocean and sit on the beach.
I didn’t even have swim trunks. Or suntan lotion.
I couldn’t even swim, but standing in the surf sounded nice.
I was only familiar with where the back entrance of the complex was, so I left the building that way, walked across the parking lot and turned right down the sidewalk.
People were everywhere.
I felt out of place in my long pants, t-shirt, and sneakers. Everyone was wearing next to nothing. Some were even just in swimsuits, with a towel around their waists or slung across their shoulders.
And everyone was smiling. Happy. Laughing. Talking excitedly. Nobody stared at me, or gave me weird looks, or leaned into their friends with hushed whispers. People were too busy minding their own business to notice me. It was…nice. Really nice.
There were so many shops, none of them the same as the last, and I could see three signs from here that looked like restaurants of some sort.
The street lamps all had multicolored garlands wrapped around their poles, like every day was a festival.
I crossed the street and stopped outside a storefront that looked like some kind of sandwich shop and stepped closer to read the menu that had been blown up and pinned by the door.
All my muscles clenched up when I saw the rainbow flag that was hung above the doorway.
I stared at it for what felt like hours. When someone brushed past me with a mumbled, “Excuse me,” I jerked to the side and looked away.
Then back at the flag.
It was a simple thing, just a colorful flag.
But the sight of it, hanging proudly above the door for everyone to see, was jarring—and nobody even said anything.
Nobody was angry about it. People weren’t hollering at the shop owner to take it down.
They just passed beneath it, hardly acknowledging it at all.
Like it was normal. Like they saw this very thing all the time.
Shea had told me things were different here. I guess I hadn’t really believed him.
With a deep inhale, I grabbed the door handle and went inside.
It was a little crowded, so I got in the back of the line and shoved my hands in my pockets, feeling unsure.
About myself, about being here, about what I’d seen.
Everything. I tried to shuffle those feelings of uncertainty aside and looked at the menu, picking a few sandwiches out that would hold me over for the next day or so as something like hope began to unfurl in my chest, blooming hesitantly.
Maybe I didn’t have to leave Blue Harbor. Maybe I could stay. Put down my roots here, let them grow. Spend time with Shea. Learn how to swim. Learn how to…to be myself.
I just had to find somewhere to live other than Lea’s apartment. That man was going to be the death of me.