Chapter 8
BEAU
Oh my god.
It took me five whole minutes to get my breathing to return to normal, and another five minutes to stop the furious trembling.
Why was he here? He wasn’t supposed to be here, he said he wouldn’t be back until eight in the note he left me.
I read his note again, just to make sure, then put it back in the drawer where I was keeping all the other notes he’d left me like the weirdo I was.
And today—of all days—I just had to spill coffee on my shirt and then forget to put another one on because I was so busy with this issue my company was having. I’d just gotten off the phone with them after a two-hour conference call and was rushing to the bathroom when I almost smacked into Lea.
Why had he just…stood there and stared at me?
It made me feel like there was something wrong with me.
Maybe he was just disgusted with my body?
Except he’d seen me with my shirt off that first day and hadn’t reacted like that.
But he had such a beautiful body that I didn’t blame him if that was the case, I was so dull in comparison.
Or…
No. I was spiraling, and I couldn’t let the anxiety overwhelm me.
“Stop it. It’s okay,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut. “It’s okay. You’re okay. He doesn’t think you’re a freak, he was just surprised. Just…be normal. You can do this.”
I could do this. I could talk to him. Sit down and have a conversation.
Lea was just a regular person, like me.
A beautiful angel of a person whose smile made me feel like my lungs were collapsing.
I rubbed my hands down my face, took a deep breath, and headed out to the living room where I found him on the couch, facing away from me. “Lea?”
“Fuck!” he shouted, jumping to his feet and spinning around. He laughed and raked a hand through his hair. “Sorry, I was in my head. Shit. Here, why don’t you sit on the couch and I’ll pull up a chair—”
“It’s fine,” I said, coming around to sit down on the other end of the couch.
“You sure? I can—no, it’s fine, you’re right. Are you thirsty? Hungry? Have you eaten lunch? Maybe we should grab something to eat before we talk? Yeah, I should’ve gotten something.”
Why was I getting the impression that Lea was just as nervous as I was?
He paced to the door like he was actually going to leave to get food, so I cleared my throat. “No, I’m—it’s okay. You said you wanted to, um, talk to me?”
“Yeah, I—” He blew out a harsh breath, then offered me one of his heart-stopping smiles. “I’m just gonna come right out and say it because beating around the bush isn’t my thing.”
An icy sensation crept across my skin.
“And I’m sorry, but I’ll probably be rambling because I’m nervous.
I don’t really get nervous so I’m not good at handling it, it just makes me weird, as you can clearly see, but I feel so bad about everything and I guess the guilt has come in the form of anxiety, I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist.” He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, opened them, and locked them onto mine.
“I’m so, so sorry if I’m the reason you’re uncomfortable here.
I love people, Beau, and I never want to hurt anyone or be the reason someone is uncomfortable or unhappy.
I mean, I don’t know for sure, but I have to be the reason you want to leave, right?
” My mouth fell open as I stared into his eyes, completely shocked.
He looked and sounded genuinely distraught, and my heart ached.
“I just—why didn’t you tell me your AC was broken?
I would’ve fixed it for you! And now—God, this is so embarrassing. I am so sorry, Beau.”
My concern for Lea turned into confusion, and then my stomach dropped at the crushing realization that Shea had gone and told Lea everything I’d confided in him last night. How else would he know about me wanting to leave?
Why would Shea tell him that? Why would he—
Dread seized me and all my muscles tensed up. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe—
“Beau?”
Why didn’t Shea warn me? Why would he do this to me? He knew I was terrified of confrontation, he knew he knew he knew and he just—
“Beau, it’s okay, I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to upset you, I just wanted to apologize. God, I’m making everything worse, aren’t I?”
I could barely hear Lea over the roaring in my ears, and I was trying desperately to count to ten, to distract myself from this overwhelming feeling of doom.
No, it’s fine. Lea isn’t mad, this isn’t a confrontation. Everything is fine.
I didn’t believe myself.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I asked h-him not t-to tell you. I didn’t want to tell him, I didn’t, but he kept asking me w-why I wanted to leave and I can’t lie…I can’t…”
This was utterly humiliating. I wanted to disappear. Just blink out of existence. I squeezed my eyes shut and inhaled through my nose, pushing my hands under my thighs so I wasn’t so focused on how much they were trembling.
Lea scooted toward me from his side of the couch, one of his hands drifting closer to my leg, like he wanted to reassure me through touch. He reached out, then curled his fingers in and moved his hand back.
His voice was so soft and gentle when he said, “Hey. Beau, love, you have nothing to be sorry for, okay? Shea was just worried, and I was, too. You’re right, he shouldn’t have said anything to me.
But I’m glad he did because I’ve been a horrible, godawful host to you.
You think you can forgive me for being such a self-involved asshole? ”
Tears welled in my eyes at the familiar, playful tone in his voice, and when I turned my head and met his gaze, there was no judgment or scorn, no anger or revulsion, only a soft, reassuring warmth.
He really was an angel, wasn’t he?
Forgive him? There was nothing to forgive. I was the one in the wrong here.
I tipped my head back and looked up at the ceiling, trying to make the tears go away.
“You’re not an asshole. At all. You’re just…
you’ve been nothing but kind to me since I got here.
You are one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, so please don’t call yourself an asshole.
” I rolled my lips between my teeth, sniffed, and brought my gaze back to his.
“I don’t think—well, I just feel like I’m a—a burden on you, and—”
Lea’s hand came up in a stop gesture. “Hold up. No, not true, you are not a burden, Beau. Like, at all. In any way. I like having you here. A lot. I mean—” He pointed to his injured hand. “I would’ve died without you and that’s an irrefutable fact.”
I choked on a laugh, my lips twitching, then stretching into a smile.
I wasn’t sure perfect was even good enough to describe Lea. He was…
A beat passed where his lovely blue eyes held mine, then his gaze slowly drifted down to my mouth and stayed there. His lips parted and my smile faltered as he stared.
And stared.
My chest tightened, my face burned, and I averted my gaze to the carpet.
“Lea, you’ve been w-wonderful,” I whispered, the enormous lump in my throat making everything difficult. “I just…I’m sorry, it’s been a really hard transition, and I don’t do well with new things.” I swiped away the tear that escaped and hoped he hadn’t seen.
When Lea shifted even closer and set his hand on top of mine, my heart flipped.
“It’s okay. I get it. It’s been a hell of a month for you, and I think you’ve been handling it amazingly well, all things considered.
” In a softer voice, said, “I don’t think you’re a burden or a nuisance or annoying or anything negative, okay?
I honest-to-god really like having you here, Beau.
And I’d love it if you stayed. So please stay. ”
I stared down at his hand over mine, the curve of those long, elegant fingers beautiful, strong, and delicate all at once.
I raised my eyes to his and swallowed hard.
“I don’t want you to have to change anything just because of me.
I don’t like—just the thought of it makes me feel…
” I shook my head. I didn’t even know how to put into words what I was feeling.
Lea squeezed my hand. “Well I like having you here and I’m very, very selfish, so if keeping you here means I have to make some minor adjustments, I’ll gladly do it. It’s not a big deal, Beau. I promise.”
A ray of sunlight flashed across one of his eyes as he moved. He was wearing the most earnest expression, and something twisted in my stomach.
God, he was so, so beautiful.
“Yeah,” I said softly. “All right.”
The playfulness in his eyes became more subdued.
“On a serious note, I’m really sorry for making you uncomfortable, but I’m proud of you.
You should always speak up when something is making you uncomfortable.
I haven’t known you very long, Beau, but I’ve noticed a few things, and something tells me it took a lot for you to admit anything at all to Shea. ”
“I’ll stay,” I said quietly.
Lea sat up straighter. “Wait, really? You will?” The excitement in his voice made my stomach flip, and this giddy lightness settled over me.
I nodded. “Yeah. It’s—nice here.” I met Lea’s eyes, wanting him to know just how sincerely I appreciated him. “Thank you, Lea.”
“For what?”
“For—for apologizing when you didn’t really have to. And for being accommodating. And talking with me like this. I have a hard time with—with confrontation, and…I really appreciate…this,” I finished awkwardly.
“Well, this wasn’t a confrontation, it was just good ol’ communication. I can’t even imagine getting into a confrontation with you. Can’t imagine anyone getting mad at you for any reason.”
Something soured in my gut.
If only he knew.
Mom had thought there was a lot about me worth getting mad at.
“You can stay as long as you want, Beau. Just…I know I can be a lot, and I want you to know you can tell me if I do things you don’t like. I really want you to tell me. Same as I’ll do with you.”