Chapter 8 #2
Oh, god, had I been bothering Lea in some way? Alarm shot through me at the thought. “Have I been doing—have I done something to bother you?”
He smiled at me, that playfulness back. “Yeah. You’re always locked away in your room, and I want to see more of you. Spend time with you.”
I let out a sigh of relief when I realized he’d just been kidding around, but when his words registered, heat crept across my cheeks. “Ah, okay. I’ll try to—to come out more.”
“Good,” he said, getting to his feet. He stood and held out his hand to me. “Friends?”
Friends? A real-life friend? And with a man like Lea?
Excitement twisted around my nerves as I hesitated. Was he…teasing me?
I shook away the thought.
No, he wasn’t a cruel man. He was being entirely genuine. As he always was.
I slid my hand into his. “Yeah,” I said. “Friends.”
His eyes sparkled, then widened. He startled me when he cried, “Oh, shit! I came to ask if you could help us down at the bar. With Monroe’s computer.
It’s being really slow and neither of us can figure it out.
But if you don’t have any time, that’s totally fine, we’ll figure it out.
I just thought I’d ask the tech genius.”
The wink he gave me made me dizzy.
“Oh.” I reached up and fingered the hair at the nape of my neck. “Yeah, sure, I can come look at it.”
“You’re a darling, Beau. Thank you. I’ll call the landlord about the AC.”
He leaned down and kissed my forehead like it was the most natural thing in the world, then hummed his way to the kitchen, leaving me here to quietly unravel.
Monroe’s computer was a mess.
“You have point one kilobytes of space remaining on your hard drive. It’s not a virus or malware, it’s just a full hard drive. That’s why your computer is running so slowly. You’ll have to make some room.”
I glanced at Monroe, who was hovering over me, and tried not to let his size intimidate me.
Or his disposition. He was incredibly reserved, but in a way that made him just look…pissed off. Lea was in the room with us, which was the only reason I wasn’t melting down into a giant puddle of fear.
Shea had told me repeatedly that that was just his face, and he was a genuinely kind person, but it was hard not to let his expression get to me.
“Okay. How do I do that?” he asked gruffly.
“Um, you’ll have to delete things. Go through your files and figure out what you don’t need. And you should probably get an external hard drive—for extra storage or as a backup drive.”
He nodded. “Okay. Where can I get one of those?”
I scratched the back of my neck. “At the—I mean, online, I guess? You can order one or go to an electronics store?”
“Got it. How much do I owe you?”
I waved my hands. “Oh, no, n-nothing!”
He scowled at me, and I almost gave him a quote just so he’d stop.
He grunted and said, “Tell you what, come down tonight and you can get every round on the house. How’s that sound? I’ll even throw in an appetizer.”
“Yes, you have to come,” Lea piped in. “Free everything for the tech genius of Blue Harbor.”
I felt like I couldn’t say no, and part of me didn’t even want to say no. Because if I said yes, then Lea would smile at me like I’d given him the moon and stars.
“All right,” I said, glancing over at him. The smile that stretched across his face was brimming with joy and excitement, and I thought I might do anything for this man if it meant I got to see that smile.
I decided to go for a walk instead of straight back to the apartment. Plus, it was overcast today, so fewer people were out and about.
I was really, really upset with Shea. I didn’t come here so he could fight all my battles for me. I knew he was just being a protective older brother, but we weren’t kids anymore, and I hadn’t needed his help or intervention in a long, long time.
I was honestly surprised Lea wanted me to stay.
I thought maybe he was just being nice or being a good friend to Shea because there really wasn’t much benefit to him, having me here.
It was the opposite, in fact. I could barely even speak when I was around Lea.
I kept tripping over my words because he flustered me on a deep level, and it was difficult being around him.
It was just…he was everything I’d never be. He was carefree and playful, affectionate and funny. He was such a bright, beautiful person that I felt like the dark, stormy cloud that had moved in to rain on his parade.
When I got back to the apartment, I hung my key on the little octopus key holder, grabbed a soda from the fridge, and went back to my room.
I left my door partially open—trying to be more available, less secluded, like Lea had asked—and slid back into my desk chair, my mind a million miles away from work as I just stared at the screen.
I propped my elbows in front of my keyboard and rested my forehead on my palms, sliding my fingers through the longer hair on the top of my head. I pulled on it absently, feeling the softness of the strands, letting it soothe me.
The emotional drain of earlier had sapped all my energy, and Lea had unwittingly dredged up painful things.
I can’t imagine anyone getting mad at you.
Mom easily got upset with me.
I closed my eyes and breathed through the heavier emotions, tried to let them dissipate with each breath.
They were just useless remnants of my old life.
I was on a new path now. I had to keep reminding myself of that, because it was easy to slip right back into the past and all the feelings that came with it.
Like putting on a heavy jumpsuit that had everything I’d ever felt sewn into it, every moment and emotion a different-colored patch.
I didn’t have to wear that suit anymore.
I had a chance to shed it and make a new one. A better one.
I’d gone to therapy a few years ago to work through some of the things that kept coming up constantly. Thoughts that weren’t mine, but hers. Words that I never would say to anyone or think on my own.
It had taken time, but I’d gotten rid of all of them.
She was a hateful person, someone so deeply unhappy with her own life and how it had turned out that the way she viewed the world was permanently distorted.
I didn’t think she’d always been as bad as she was, but she definitely always had the capacity for it. When our dad walked out on us—which I didn’t even remember, I’d only been three—she’d gotten worse, and she just kept deteriorating into someone who hated easily and became easy to hate.
And Shea despised her. I’d found it an insurmountable task, trying to hate her. I couldn’t. I just…she was still my mom.
Shea had tolerated her condemnation, her bigotry, her petty spite, until he couldn’t tolerate it anymore. I’d never been as strong as him. As brave or outspoken or willing to stand up for myself.
She’d favored me over him, but that didn’t mean she was always kind to me.
I had been terrified the day Shea moved away.
Lost without my older brother. He was my hero back then.
He was the only one who had ever cared about me.
He was the only one who listened to me when something upset me, the only one who supported every interest I ever took up, the only one who confronted my bullies, or took me to the movies, or slept with me when I had nightmares.
But he’d had enough of Mom’s hate and had taken the one chance he was given to escape it. He’d received an academic scholarship to the University of Delaware and went on to get a degree in marine biology.
I’ll come back for you, Beau Bear. I promise, I’ll come back for you, he’d said.
But he hadn’t come back. Not in any kind of permanent way, at least, so I’d made my own plans to get out once I turned eighteen. I was good with computers, had taught myself how to code and gotten a job doing that when I turned sixteen. After graduating high school, I was finally going to leave.
But then Mom’s diagnosis came, and everything changed again. She had no one; no friends, no family, not a single other person to take care of her.
It was up to me.
I probably should have left, but I wasn’t sure if I could live with myself if I made that choice. Just because her love was the toxic kind, that didn’t mean it was easy to let go of.
As her disease progressed, she became a shell of a person.
If she’d known I was gay, she would’ve disowned me. Which would’ve been a blessing in its own right.
Hiding wasn’t the solution to anything anymore and I’d done enough hiding in Kansas.
But right now, at this exact moment, I wasn’t sure I was ready to come out.
Maybe I’d be brave enough at some point to get out there and meet people.
Maybe even meet a guy. Blue Harbor seemed like a good place to do that. A safe place.
I just needed some time.
“Beau?”
I jolted in my chair, knocked my forearms against my keyboard, and turned to see Lea standing in the doorway.
“Sorry, although I suppose turnabout is fair play,” he said with a wry smile, those cat lips curling upward.
I licked my lips, my mouth too dry, my heart suddenly racing “Hey. What’s up?”
Lea pushed the door open wider and stepped into the room.
He glanced at my computer, his brows rising at the three monitors.
“I just wanted to say that you don’t have to come to the bar if you don’t want to.
I know you like your space, and your alone time, and the bar scene is probably not your speed, which I wasn’t thinking about earlier when we invited you. I was, once again, being selfish—”
“No, I want to go,” I said quickly, before I could change my mind or think about it too hard. “I’ll go.”
He looked so pleased with my assent that, no matter what happened tonight, no matter how much I might end up hating it, I wouldn’t regret it. I’d agree a thousand times over just to see his face light up like that.
God, he was gorgeous. Did he know that? Yeah, he probably knew that.
But it wasn’t just his looks. He had a personality that was just as bright, but hard to pin down.
Light and bubbly one moment, soft and sincere the next.
It felt like it fluctuated, kept changing course, like water in a winding stream.
There were so many facets to him, and I knew I’d yet to see them all.
I wanted to. It was a little concerning how badly I wanted to.
“Well, this is quite the pleasant surprise. I promise you won’t regret it.” He winked, and I melted.
“Y-yeah,” I said, nerves flaring up. “Thank you.”
Lea’s eyes trailed down my body, and I clutched the back of my chair as heat engulfed me. He pointed a finger and did a little circle with it, pursing his lips. “Is this the extent of your wardrobe?”
I looked down at myself, wondering what was wrong with what I was wearing. Jeans and a t-shirt. It was a normal outfit. “Why? What’s wrong with it?”
Lea shook his head and smiled. “Nothing at all, I just wasn’t sure if you were someone who liked to get a little dolled up when you go out. But what you’re wearing is good, I have no doubt you’ll draw the eyes of lots of ladies. I know they’ll all be fighting over you and those freckles.”
My stomach soured at his words, but I didn’t correct him. “Yeah.”
“We can walk together, if that’s okay. You haven’t been there yet and I don’t want you to get lost. Or kidnapped.
I’m just kidding!” he rushed out when I looked at him with wide eyes.
“People don’t get kidnapped here. Not unless it’s for some sex thing.
Some people have very specific kinks. Anyway, would you be ready in an hour? ”
Still trying to digest what he’d just told me—people got turned on by being kidnapped?—I glanced at the time on my monitor and gasped. How the hell was it already six?
I looked back at Lea, who was waiting patiently. Had he moved closer? “Yeah, that sounds good,” I told him. I didn’t tell him that I’d never actually been to a bar. I had drunk alcohol before, although it was only one beer, and that was purely out of curiosity.
“It makes me really happy that you’ll be there tonight, Beau,” he said, his eyes intent on mine. Then he spun around abruptly, heading out the door, and said over his shoulder, “See you soon, love.”
It was a little scary how strongly I wanted to keep making Lea happy. I had to remind myself that I didn’t really know him.
That he wasn’t mine to please, and nor was I his.
But most of all, I had to remind myself that, like Shea, he thought I was straight.