Chapter 14
BEAU
Istared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror as the room filled with steam from the hot shower.
I wasn’t sure I was hiding anything very well anymore—or if I ever had in the first place.
It was inevitable that, maybe even hours from now, Lea would know just how attracted to him I was. Maybe he already did.
Actually, after this morning, how could he not?
I didn’t know how he hadn’t woken up when I’d practically screamed at finding myself wrapped around him. It was the throbbing ache in my groin that had pulled me from a deep, restful sleep. And when I’d cracked my eyes open and smelled Lea’s floral, sugary sweet scent, that ache had only deepened.
All I’d wanted to do was tuck my face into his hair and hold him tighter.
I had never held anyone before. Had never experienced just how right it felt to have someone like Lea in my arms. He was so warm, so close, and I’d wanted to bury my nose in the crook of his neck, let his sleep-mussed hair tickle my cheek.
But my erection was pressed against his soft, full ass, and the absolute terror of him waking up and feeling me—there—had me jumping out of that bed so fast I’d almost fallen on my face.
And when he’d kissed me on the cheek at breakfast this morning, his hands on my hips, fingers gently flexing against me…I’d almost burned myself.
The next two kisses had left me without a single thought in my brain or any oxygen in my lungs.
Why did I think I could do this? I should have known that there would be no way out of this without him finding out that I wasn’t into women at all. That I was only into him.
The only thing I could think of to stop that from happening in the most humiliating way was to just tell him myself. Rip that bandaid right off so we weren’t forced to have an awkward conversation about all the boners I’d been getting.
Not that telling him this would stop me from getting hard around him…maybe I should just put it off a little—
No.
I could do it. I could do this. Lea had proven to me time and again that he was trustworthy. He was safe. He’d repeatedly offered me comfort without judgment of any kind.
And I knew, from the bottom of my heart, that he would never, ever judge me or ridicule me for this. He was the most accepting, open person I’d ever met, and I knew he would embrace it.
Possibly even be proud of me.
That was what solidified my decision—the idea that Lea might be proud of me in some way. To think that I might have his praise and pride was irresistible.
All I had to do was muster up the courage to tell him those two words that I’d never said out loud to another soul.
In the late evening, when Lea got home from work, the three of us sat on the couch and watched some cheesy reality show.
I didn’t mind, though. They made Lea happy.
After an hour, Judy left to go out somewhere, leaving me alone with the object of my obsession.
He had his arm thrown across the back of the couch behind my shoulders, but hadn’t kissed me again. He was, however, playing idly with the hair at the nape of my neck, his fingers sometimes grazing across my skin and making me shiver.
He’d asked me multiple times if I was cold, and though I denied it, he got a throw blanket and laid it across our laps.
After an hour of trying to focus on anything but Lea and failing, I got up and went to his room with the excuse that I was tired.
I buried my face in his pillow, inhaling that sweet scent as a painful longing rolled through me.
My deepest desire, from the time I was young, was to get out of Kansas, be my truest self, and find someone I could love with all my heart. Someone who would love me back just as much.
Well, here I was—out of Kansas, my abusive mother dead, and I hadn’t done a single thing to make that happen for myself.
Anger began to build; anger at the futility of it all, at my own lack of courage, at my circumstances, at my mother, at the world. Why couldn’t I just—just say it? Why hadn’t I ever told Shea? He was my brother and he was queer, too, for god’s sake!
I was so tired of being a coward. I was sick of my own timidity. And I was the only one who could change those things about myself. It started with me.
I’d always wished I was more outgoing, like Shea or Lea. Always wanted to be able to meet new people without buckets of anxiety pouring over me. Wanted to go to new places or do new things without feeling like I was utterly unqualified for any of it.
I wasn’t normal and I didn’t deserve normal things. I was a weak, boring person that had nothing to offer—
The mattress dipped behind me, and I lifted my head to find Lea there, halfway through climbing onto the bed. He smiled at me, a beautiful, genuine smile that was somewhat sheepish, and oh, how I wanted him to crawl over me, pull me into his arms, and whisper sweet words in my ear.
A coward like me didn’t deserve someone like Lea.
His smile faded the longer he stared at me, and then he asked softly, “Beau? What’s wrong?
” He pulled his other leg up, crossed both, and sat facing me.
He sighed and looked down at his hands. “Look, let’s just call this off.
I’m sorry, it was selfish of me to even consider it. I’ll tell them I lied, and—”
“I’m gay,” I blurted out.
Lea went still, his eyes cutting to mine, his lips parting in shock.
“Oh, god,” I whispered.
Oh my god, what had I done?
I wished I’d never opened my mouth. I’d just ruined everything.
I turned to face the other way, bringing my legs over the side of the bed and sitting up.
It didn’t feel good. It wasn’t freeing. I felt sick to my stomach, like I might throw up. Oh, god, why did I—
“Beau?” A hand on my shoulder. A soft, sweet voice.
Smoke and honey. “That was so fucking brave of you, sweetheart. I’m so, so proud of you.
” His lips brushed my ear before he pressed them to the side of my head.
And when he rubbed his cheek against my head, the weight of everything I’d been carrying for so long dissolved in an instant.
It had taken two seconds to destroy a lifetime of self-doubt.
My breath hitched on my next inhale. Tears spilled from the corners of my eyes, blurring my vision.
A sob choked out of me, and then Lea was there, coming up behind me, bracketing my legs with his, curving around me, pulling me into a tight hold against his chest as I fell apart.
His mouth brushed against my ear as he murmured softly.
“Shh, that was so good. You did so good, love. Thank you for telling me that. I think you’re perfect just the way you are.
You’re such a brave man, darling. I’m so, so proud of you. ”
I wasn’t sure how long we sat like that. Lea was slowly stroking the fuzz on one side of my head, lulling me into a dreamlike state where everything was fine. Everything was as okay as he said it was.
“Beau?”
“Hm?”
“Are you okay?”
Was I? I didn’t know. What did it feel like to be okay? Did it feel like this? “You don’t—you’re not mad at me?”
Lea made an angry noise and squeezed me tighter. “What? No! In no world would I ever be mad at you for being exactly who you are. And you are beautiful.”
More tears spilled from my eyes as relief swamped me.
Lea’s voice softened. “You’re perfect just the way you are, Beau. Do you feel better?”
If I stayed wrapped in his arms any longer, things were going to become truly uncomfortable.
“Yeah. Yes, thank you, Lea.” I reluctantly stood up, my face burning, and Lea let me go. When I turned to face him, he had the sweetest, most tender expression in his blue eyes.
I felt like my throat was closing up. A rush of gratitude and some of the deepest affection I’d ever felt swept through me so suddenly, so intensely, that I took a step toward him. He was still sitting on the bed, looking up at me.
My gaze dropped to his lips, those perfect, mischievous pink lips that curled up on one side. Those lips that warmly accepted me exactly as I was. Those lips that reassured me at every point, that gave me the kindest, sweetest words.
They looked so, so soft.
“Beau?”
I wanted to taste them. To feel them against my own. I wanted to step between his legs, wrap him in my arms, and never let him go.
“Beau…”
I wanted mine to be the only name he said like that. In a breathless whisper saturated with desire.
I wanted to be the only one he ever wanted, to be his entire world. I wanted so much from Lea. I was overwhelmed with all the things flying through my mind and my heart. All the things I’d repressed or kept subdued that had suddenly been freed.
There wasn’t anything to hold me back anymore, was there?
I leaned forward, tilted my head, and pressed my lips to Lea’s, not knowing what in the hell I was doing. I’d never kissed anyone before, but this felt right. In every reality, the only next move was this one.
He let out a shocked, muffled sound against my mouth, and then his hands were gripping my shoulders, pushing me back.
Startled blue eyes stared back at me, and a wave of horror at what I’d just done had all the blood rushing from my face as an awful prickling sensation rolled slowly down my entire body.
“N-no, I—”
“Beau, what—”
“I’m s-so sorry!” I cried, stepping back, but Lea caught my wrists and held me there, his eyes searing into mine as he stood up. I couldn’t look away from the intensity of his gaze as my thoughts raced, as the panic began to violently consume me.
Lea let go of one of my wrists to lightly hold my jaw, and I was so overloaded with all these volatile emotions that I didn’t fully register what his intentions were. His eyes dropped to my lips, his thumb stroking along the bottom one, and a tear slipped down my cheek.
“Oh, Beau,” he whispered, gently cupping my cheek. He moved in and began peppering my other cheek with with tiny kisses. “Don’t cry, sugar,” he murmured. “That wasn’t a rejection. I was just a bit surprised.”
He pulled back to meet my eyes, the tip of his nose brushing against mine. “I’m gonna kiss you back now. Okay?”
“Okay,” I whispered. I felt like I was dreaming.
Lea tilted his head, framed my face with his hands, and captured my lips in a soft, slow, sensual kiss that had me moaning in relief.
He wrapped his fingers around my wrist and gently guided my hand to his waist to indicate where he wanted me to hold him.
I reached up between us with my other hand to clutch at the material of his shirt, and as he moved his parted lips over mine, he trailed his fingers up my arm, over my shoulder, and wrapped them around the nape of my neck, his other hand still cupping my cheek.
His thumb was right by the corner of my eye. Everywhere he touched me burned.
Molten need spread like wildfire through every inch of my body as Lea tugged gently on my bottom lip with his teeth, and when I felt the first touch of his tongue against my lip, I shuddered against him.
He groaned into my mouth and the kiss became harder, less restrained, and I tried to follow his lead.
I had no clue if I was doing it right, but I was too lost in the surreality of Lea’s lips on mine.
The ecstasy of it. One of his hands trailed down my neck, stroked the length of my spine, and then slipped underneath my shirt.
Skin on skin. I jumped at his touch, whimpering into his mouth as his fingers slid higher, grasped my waist and squeezed.
Lea pulled back just enough to breathlessly murmur, “Fuck, Beau. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”
He squeezed my hip, and before I could say a word, he moved down and slipped the tips of his fingers beneath the waistband of my pants.
He stared down at me as he kneaded the skin above my ass, and I wanted to touch him everywhere.
I had no idea what was acceptable, what he wanted or liked, and I was so lost in his eyes that I couldn’t think beyond his breath on my lips and his hand on my waist.
When he stepped closer, the sudden press of his hard cock against mine made me gasp.
“You like that?” he asked, kissing the corner of my lips.
I groaned as my hands trembled against him, trying to hold on, to think past the ringing in my ears.
“Tell me, Beau. Do you like that?”
“Yes,” I rasped as he slid his tongue along my bottom lip.
“Good, baby. Hold onto me.” He spread his fingers wider, applying pressure to my lower back and the top of my ass, urging me to move against him. He slowly rolled his hips and his hard length slid against mine.
My eyes rolled back as a low moan was wrenched from my throat.
“Fuck, you feel so good.” He nipped at my lips again, tasting me, teasing me. “So fucking good.”
I pressed my mouth to his, swiping my tongue in a tentative stroke along his bottom lip, relishing the groan it elicited from him.
He parted his lips and slid his tongue along mine in a rolling, sensual lick that made my throbbing cock jump.
He still had his hand on my ass, was moving me against him with erotic thrusts that had me gasping and moaning.
Every thought was gone from my head; there was nothing except the raw, intense pleasure that Lea was sparking in me.
“Lea,” I panted.
Lea’s eyes were half-lidded as he stared down at me, and he brought his hands to my face, cupped my cheeks and pressed a soft, tender kiss to my mouth. “Let me make you feel good, Beau. Will you let me do that?”
I grasped his wrists as he held me, staring dazedly at this stunning man whose attentions were fixed on me. Me.
“Y-yes,” I whispered. “Please.”
His lips curled up in that familiar cat-like smile. Pleased as ever. “Good,” he said. “Good boy. Lie back on the bed for me, sugar.”