Chapter 16
LEA
“Rise and shine, bitches!”
“Unngh.” I peeled my eyes open to see a demon standing at the foot of my bed.
Judy reached for the covers, and I came awake fast. “Judy, don’t you dare!” I clutched at the blanket, glancing back at Beau, who was rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
With a vicious glare aimed at Judy, who was laughing and holding her hands up in a gesture of innocence, I said, “What. The fuck. Are you doing in my room?”
“Well I tried knocking, but nobody answered, and Lea, darling, I cannot—for the life of me—figure out your coffee machine. And you know how I get without my coffee. You know how I get.”
I fell back against the pillows. “Yeah, you get like this. Get the fuck out, Judy.”
“But—”
“GET OUT! I’ll be out there in five minutes!”
Fucking Christ, this was why I’d moved out here. But apparently even that wasn’t enough to escape my crazy family that didn’t understand boundaries.
“What time is it?” Beau’s sleepy, husky voice drew my gaze down to him, and all I wanted to do was push myself back into his arms and stay in bed all day.
Yeah, that sounded like a good plan, actually. Monroe would be okay for one day—
“Lea?”
Oh, yeah. The time. I grabbed my phone and immediately saw two missed calls from Shea.
Oh. Fuck.
My first thought was that he knew. Somehow, he knew that I’d defiled his younger brother, and he was on his way back right now to skin me alive.
“Lea.”
I cleared my throat. “It’s nine-thirty,” I said.
“W-what?” Beau was wide awake now, shoving the covers off his body and racing out of bed. “Oh, god.” He was out of the room in two seconds flat, and the bathroom door slammed shut a moment later.
I got out of bed with a groan and dragged on a shirt as I headed out into the main area to find Judy rifling through my cupboards.
“What are you looking for?”
“Sugar. Do you not have sugar? And I don’t want any of that fake shit. I’ll pass on the cancer.”
I rolled my eyes and grabbed the little tin container by the coffee maker. “You didn’t think to look near the coffee machine?”
Judy pursed her lips. “Well, you know, we can’t all be geniuses like Beau.”
I snorted.
“He’s so freaking sweet, by the way. You couldn’t have picked a better one if you’d tried.
Wait, did you try? Wait, wait, I don’t even know how you guys met!
” She dropped the sugar tin with a loud clatter and grabbed my hands, looking up at me with a frighteningly desperate sheen to her eyes.
“I need to know everything about your meet-cute.”
“My—what?”
“God, you’re hopeless. How did you guys meet, dummy?”
I shrugged again, then just answered honestly. “He’s Shea’s brother.”
Her eyes blew wide, and her mouth dropped open.
“You stole your best friend’s brother? Oh my god.
Yes! It’s so perfect. That. Is—” She did a chef’s kiss and then pointed to the coffee maker.
“Please, Lea. Teach me your ways and spill the tea. But not my coffee, I’ll murder you if you waste a single drop. ”
It hadn’t even been a full two days, but having Judy here had already felt like a year.
Stole? I stole his brother? I didn’t steal anyone. Beau was an adult, I was an adult, we were both consenting adults, siblings be damned.
Especially my sibling.
After teaching Judy how to use a very basic coffee machine and helping myself to two cups, Beau hurried into the kitchen, barely glancing at me as he snagged a mug from the cupboard and poured himself a cup of coffee.
Judy had already left the apartment to go do god knew what.
Probably trip children down stairs and push old people into traffic.
“Busy day?” I asked, leaning against the fridge and devouring him with my eyes.
Beau gave me a brief smile as he scooped sugar into his mug. “Yeah, I’ve got a meeting at ten with my boss,” he said. Then he paused, as if realizing something, and said, “I—it’s a video meeting. I can’t—I’ll need the room,” he said, seeming distraught.
“That’s fine,” I told him. “You can have it. How long?”
His shoulders slumped in relief. “Just thirty minutes. Thanks, Lea.”
My body was no longer in sync with my mind, because I came up behind Beau, wrapped my hands around his upper arms, and kissed his neck. It was still a little damp from his shower, and he smelled like me.
Oh, fuck, he’d used my body wash? Why did I love that so much?
I couldn’t help licking my way to his ear and nibbling on the shell. It was worth it just to hear the surprised whimper he let out.
I kissed him right above his ear, slapped his ass, and said, “Get on it, sugar.” Then I wandered over to the couch, turned on the TV, and pretended to be engrossed with the lady frosting mini chocolate cupcakes and not the shy, gorgeous man I was sharing a room with.
It was noon when the guilt started seeping in.
Little trickles of it leeching through tiny cracks, worming its way into the deepest parts of me. I thought it was indigestion at first, to be honest. It was sitting heavy in my stomach and only getting heavier.
But it wasn’t caused by the delicious tacos Monroe had picked up for us from La Casa Pequenita. No, it was because I was finally able to think clearly now that I wasn’t within three feet of Beau.
I had messed up. Monumentally. I hadn’t called Shea back because I didn’t even know what to say to him. I was afraid I would just blurt out the truth of things and beg for his forgiveness—which I probably wouldn’t get.
The doubt followed not too far behind the guilt. Doubt in myself, in my judgment. And then horror. Horror that I’d let myself kiss Beau so enthusiastically, not giving a shit about anything but what we were doing in that moment.
I went on a vomit-inducing roller coaster of emotions.
I was so, so stupid. Was only thinking with my dick. And on top of it all, I felt like I’d taken advantage of Beau. Sweet, innocent Beau, who had admitted that he was gay only moments before I laid him out on the bed and swallowed him down like a cock-hungry fiend.
I had to apologize and tell him that would never happen again. I would speak to him when I got home later tonight. We’d get through this week, keep up the ridiculous pretense that we were dating, keep our hands to ourselves, and then have separate rooms again. Separate lives. No more cuddles.
Fuck, no more cuddles.
It didn’t matter that I was a bit obsessed with my quiet, sexy roommate.
It didn’t matter that even just the thought of him getting physical with another man made me want to throw every decanter on the top shelf against the wall.
What mattered was stopping this before it got out of hand.
It was still fixable at this point. Beau had been in a vulnerable state, and I needed to apologize for taking advantage of that.
Yes. There. A plan. Good.
Why did I hate the ever-loving shit out of it?
“You look like you’re trying to do mental math. There’s a calculator by the register,” Monroe pointed out, coming up behind me like a sneaky snake.
I looked up from the glass I’d been polishing for a while now and narrowed my eyes at him. “Your tacos gave me indigestion, that’s why I look like this.”
“Uh huh. I need you to sign a couple things whenever you’re done cleaning that glass,” he said. “And a few people wanted to put up some flyers on the board, but I wanted to run them by you before we put ‘em up there.”
Probably just some more job listings and gig workers. Although once we’d gotten a flyer for a one-man burlesque show that someone was running out of their basement. As curious as I’d been, Monroe had talked me out of going on the suspicion that the guy was possibly a serial killer.
I’d told Monroe he was a serial boner killer.
“Well, lucky for you I’m all done with this glass. Show me those flyers, mon capitaine.”
Monroe shook his head. “You’re still doin’ that French crap? Why the hell do you like it so much?”
“Because it’s a sexy, filthy language, my good man. You should try it.”
“You took one semester in college.” He sighed and led the way to his office while I smiled at his back.
I loved my cranky friend.
When I’d first met Monroe, I remembered thinking that if I hadn’t been with Lyle, I would have loved to ask Monroe out.
He was gorgeous and grumpy and incredibly sweet under that mean shell, and it was so much fun trying to poke holes to let a little sunlight shine through.
But Monroe only had eyes for one man back then, and that man was not moi.
Soon enough, Monroe and I were bonding over broken hearts. Out of all our friends, I felt like he was the only one who could truly understand how I’d felt when things had ended with Lyle because he’d also lost a love of his own.
“All right, so the first couple are just local music instructors, but we had a new one come in from the youth center. A ‘help needed’ kind of thing, they’re looking for a coding tutor slash general software guru for kids who are into that sort of thing.
” He shook his head as he handed me the flyer.
“Not sure why any kid would be interested in that stuff so young. I sure as hell wasn’t thinking about computer codes when I was fifteen. Or now, for that matter.”
I took the flyer, a spark of excitement flaring through me.
This would be perfect for Beau. It would help get him out more, connect with people who liked the same things he did, help him get involved in the community so he felt like he belonged.
Maybe help him gain a little more confidence in himself, too.
He was incredibly competent, and maybe if he was able to succeed doing something like this, he’d be able to see that in himself.
“Can I take this, actually?” I asked Monroe. His amber eyes flashed to mine, brows scrunched in confusion, so I added, “I think Beau would be interested.”
He raised one black brow at that. “I mean, sure. Whatever. What about the other ones? Good to put them up?”
“Yeah. Go ahead.” I waved airily.
“’Kay. By the way, Shea called and said he couldn’t get ahold of you. I got ahold of you just fine. Anything you wanna talk about?”
I sighed and propped my hip against his desk.
“Not really. It’s not a big deal. Maybe a tiny bit.
Okay, fine, I made Beau uncomfortable when he first got here by jerking off in my room but in my defense, I didn’t know he could hear me.
He kind of wanted to leave after that, told Shea that, but it’s fine now, Beau and I talked it out and we’re good. ”
Sort of.
That whole ordeal had brought to light a hard-hitting truth I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge in a long time. How sex in my life had gotten to the point where it was my biggest hobby, the only thing I really wanted to do during my downtime.
How I was only pushing myself farther and farther from the life I used to want and the person I used to be.
I used it as an escape from reality, from myself, which wasn’t healthy.
Monroe looked at me for a moment, took a breath, and said, “Yeah. He told me about that. Beau wanting to leave, I mean. Didn’t know about the why of it all, but I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Well, he had me there. “Yeah, I’m not very proud of myself. I think I need to…cool it a bit.”
He nodded. “Whatever you decide, I’m here for you, but…” He shrugged. “Is this it? You pretend you’re happy with how your life is now, but I’ve seen you truly happy, and this ain’t it.”
It felt like there was a giant ball in my throat. My eyes started to well with tears, so I squeezed them shut and listened to Monroe as he continued hitting me with more truths.
“I remember the Lea that was carefree and wild and not afraid of anything. Especially not giving your heart away. Not everyone is a Lyle, and one day you’ll find someone who could love you with all his heart, and you’ll be too scared to let him have yours.
I don’t want you to miss out on something like that.
That kind of happiness. I think we all want that for you.
So…just want to make sure you’re choosing the life you deserve.
One that will make you truly happy. I don’t want you to have regrets. Not like me.”
Oh, my poor baby Monroe. He still carried all that pain around, and thought he deserved to keep suffering for what had happened so long ago. I knew there was nothing I could do or say that would make him feel better—we’d all tried, over the years. He had to figure out how to heal on his own.
His words ended up draining me of any fight I had left, and a weary sadness settled over me. I was tired, lonely, and sick of myself and who I’d become. I didn’t want to have regrets, either. Regrets that would eat away at me, day after day.
They already were.
I carefully folded the flyer and then tucked it into my pocket. I met Monroe’s soft but penetrating gaze and cleared my throat. “So you’re all just sitting around discussing my happiness? Or lack thereof?” The sarcastic tone fell flat since my voice was so wobbly.
Monroe smiled and rolled his eyes. “No. We’re all sitting around discussing how much we love you.
And talking about our own shitty love lives—or lack thereof.
You know we’re not gossiping, Lea. I’m sure you’ve got a few opinions of your own about each and every one of us.
Actually, I know you do, because you share them frequently.
And loudly. We’re basically brothers at this point, and it’s our job to to tell each other the truth, whether it’s pretty or not. ”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “All right. Ugh. I’ll call him back. And…thanks, Munny. I love you.”
I quickly signed the documents he’d pulled out, then left Monroe in the office and tried to shake off the anxiety his words had dredged up.
I was a mess. And all I wanted right now, more than anything, was to be a mess in Beau’s arms.