Chapter 17 #2
Maybe I’d been so bad at it that he was just trying to let me down lightly.
“Did I d-do something wrong?” My voice was just a rough whisper as I stared down at the floor. I couldn’t look him in the eye right now.
“Oh, Beau. No, not at all, you didn’t do anything wrong, babe.”
I wished he wouldn’t use endearments right now. It was only shoving the knife deeper.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lea slide forward to the edge of the chair.
“Beau. Can you look at me? Please?” When I shook my head, he sighed.
“I just—you didn’t do anything wrong, I promise.
You were great. It was great. It just has to be a one time thing.
I don’t—I can’t—fuck,” he muttered. He stood up and started pacing.
“You’re great, Beau. You’re a lovely person, and I had fun, I did, but I don’t do—I’m just not the kind of person you need right now. Okay?”
God those words stung. The truth I’d been denying for a while now was like a slap in the face.
I was great, apparently. Just not great enough for Lea. I’d known that. All along, I’d known that, but I let myself keep the hope that maybe…maybe I was wrong.
Didn’t he know he was exactly the person I needed? But instead of saying that, I just nodded. “Yeah. All right.”
Lea made a frustrated sound in the back of his throat and stopped in front of me. “Beau. Please look at me.”
I tried to shove every bit of sadness this conversation had sewn across my soul down deep somewhere and looked up at Lea. His brows were drawn tightly together, and he was searching my face, my eyes, for something.
I gave him nothing. “I get it, Lea,” I said, thankful my voice was steady. “It’s fine. We’re good. Like you said, I was just…I got caught up in the moment.”
He tugged his lower lip between his teeth as his eyes pierced mine, still searching. I felt as na?ve and foolish as he probably thought I was. Lea didn’t do romantic entanglements, and I wasn’t sure why I thought I’d be any different.
Not thought. Hoped.
Well, now I knew better than to hope for something with someone who didn’t want anything. Especially not with me.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “If you want me to sleep on the couch, I will.”
I shook my head. “Judy will be suspicious.”
And then what Judy had said the first day she got here popped into my head. She’d mentioned someone named Lyle. Was he the reason Lea didn’t want to get more than physical with his lovers?
I jumped when he raised his voice. “Oh, fuck this stupid fucking ruse, I don’t care what my family might do anymore, I care about y—”
“Who’s Lyle?” I asked, and Lea’s entire face went from aggravated to shuttered in an instant. But I saw the flash of surprise and pain before he closed himself off to me.
Yeah. He’d been hurt. Well, fuck Lyle for hurting someone as amazing as Lea.
“Where’d you hear that name?” he asked, an edge to his tone now.
“Judy.”
He turned sideways, like he was about to go marching out the door, but stopped.
“Well Judy shouldn’t be talking about things that aren’t her business.
I’ll sleep on the couch. I don’t care what Judy or the rest of my family thinks, I’m not gonna put you through this anymore.
I never should have done it in the first place.
I’ve already been the most selfish prick ever when it comes to you, and it’s time I put you first.” Lea started yanking open drawers and agitatedly grabbing clothes out of them.
I hated seeing him like this. I knew he was hurting.
Despite everything that had just happened, despite the boundaries he’d just enforced, I got up off the bed, walked to Lea, and wrapped my arms around him from behind, resting my head between his shoulder blades. He stilled, then let out a shaky exhale
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, nuzzling my cheek against his back. “Whatever he did, I know you didn’t deserve it. You’re good, Lea. You’re a beautiful person.”
I heard his breath catch, and then he tentatively wrapped his fingers around my wrists.
“Beau,” he said quietly. Just the way he said my name had me tightening my hold and stepping closer.
Lea groaned and said, “Why do you have to be so damn sweet all the time? You’re making it really hard for me to push you away. ”
My heart beat faster, and I felt like I’d been rewarded for my boldness. Rewarded with honesty that, for whatever reason, Lea was keeping wrapped up tight.
Because he’d been hurt.
I wanted—so, so badly—to show him that he didn’t need to be afraid. That I would never hurt him, not ever, for any reason.
Lea’s thumbs brushed back and forth across my skin, sending delightful tingles of awareness dancing up my arms. But then he stopped, sighed, and pulled my arms from around him. He stepped away and turned toward me. My heart sank. He looked resigned to what he’d said earlier, and that crushed me.
He reached out his hand and cupped my cheek, stroking his thumb along my cheekbone as his expression became sad, almost regretful.
“You will find someone as lovely as yourself one day, Beau. I have no doubt.” Then he let his hand fall and stepped away, grabbing the clothes he’d pulled out and giving me one last look before leaving the room.
“Wait,” I whispered, after the door was shut.
No.
Wait.
I didn’t want anyone else.
I wanted to go after him, but Lea didn’t want that. He didn’t want me, and I had to respect that. I had been thoroughly rejected.
Why had I thought I’d ever be good enough for someone like Lea? I was just me, and he was…so much more.
I looked around the room, at the nightstand riddled with seashells he must’ve picked up on the beach, at the mismatched pillows, at the neat row of shoes underneath his bed.
I didn’t want to sleep in his bed without him. It felt wrong.
After a shower where I sat on the floor and cried, I changed into clean boxers and slid beneath the covers.
Ten minutes passed before I got up to open one of the windows because I couldn’t stand the quiet and the hum of the air conditioner wasn’t enough to silence my morose thoughts that bounced around in an endless echo of despair.
I fell asleep clutching Lea’s pillow, wishing it was him.