Chapter 21
LEA
“Fuck, baby.” I panted against Beau’s lips, aftershocks still rippling through me. “Holy fuck.” His arms slid from my waist and his entire body went slack beneath mine, and I stilled.
Every bit of pleasure that had just been pumping through me drained as quickly as the blood from my face when I realized something was wrong.
“Beau…?” I put my hands beside his head and pushed myself up. My heart jolted in my chest at the sight of him; his eyes were closed, his lips parted, and he wasn’t moving. What the fuck? What the fuck?
“Beau!” I cried, pressing my shaking fingers against the pulse at his throat. I could feel it, strong and steady, and his chest was moving…what the fuck happened?
“Hey, Beau—baby, wake up,” I said, voice trembling as I tried to shake him awake.
He moaned, his eyelashes fluttered, and then his hands came up to grip my waist. Relief flooded me when he opened his eyes and met my gaze.
I cupped his cheeks in my hands. “Hey. Hey, sweetheart, what happened? Are you okay? Did I hurt you? Do you have some kind of condition?”
“Lea?” he rasped. “What’s wrong?”
“What’s—I don’t know, you just passed out or something!” I cried, heading straight into freakout mode now. My heart would not slow down one bit, and I could feel the adrenaline and anxiety pumping through my veins as potently as eighty-proof alcohol.
“Hey,” he whispered, voice deep and husky as he pulled his hands from my back and wrapped them around my wrists. “I’m okay. You didn’t hurt me. I think I, um…fainted.” His flush deepened.
I kissed him hard. “You scared me,” I whispered. “Beau, you really scared me.”
And then, to my horror, a prickling sensation started in my nose, growing stronger and stronger as my throat constricted. My vision blurred as the tears broke free, and I buried my face in Beau’s neck.
“Lea,” he murmured, gently stroking the nape of my neck.
I trembled uncontrollably, and I knew this was just a physiological reaction from the adrenaline dump, but fuck. This sucked. I never cried.
“It’s okay,” he said into my hair, holding my nape as he slowly rubbed up and down my back, and god, nothing had ever felt that good before. Ever. “You’re okay. I’m right here.”
The tears kept coming, small sobs shaking my shoulders and pathetic, muffled sounds following every inhale.
I didn’t know why I was crying. We’d just had the most amazing sex, he’d fainted, but had come to almost right away. Yeah, seeing him like that scared me. But why the hell was I this broken up about it? He was fine.
But to have Beau hold me like this, murmuring soft words to me…I never wanted to move. I felt so damn safe in his arms.
When the tears stopped and I wasn’t shaking anymore, I raised my head and looked at Beau. His brown eyes, soft and kind, stared into mine.
“So…” I started, swallowing thickly. “You got so overstimulated that you fainted?” I asked him, a weak, playful smile on my lips.
Beau’s delectable cheeks darkened with his blush. “I guess,” he said.
My smile widened. “Beau…that’s kind of hot,” I murmured, nudging my nose into his.
“Yeah?” he whispered.
“Oh, yeah.” I kissed him gently. Slowly. “You made me come so hard, babe,” I told him, dropping tiny little kisses all over his face. “I hope it was good for you, too.”
“It was incredible,” he said quickly. “I had no idea sex would be so—so—”
“So much fun?” I finished for him.
He seemed relieved at the help. “Yeah. You’re amazing, Lea,” he whispered, staring into my eyes with so much sincerity that my breathing faltered and my heart skipped a beat.
I didn’t do this. I didn’t sleep with someone, lie in bed with them, kiss them like I’d never get enough.
I sure as hell didn’t fucking cry on them.
But Beau wasn’t like anyone else. And I didn’t want to treat him like anyone else, either. He deserved so much better than me, but I would give him my best while we were doing this.
Whatever ‘this’ was.
“So are you,” I said, meaning it. But there was something else in Beau’s eyes, something that sparked a panic inside me that began to build the longer I looked at him.
“Lea, I lo—”
“Are you hungry? I’m starving now,” I interrupted, a burst of panic taking over.
I couldn’t let him say it. I couldn’t hear it.
I jumped off Beau, his soft cock slipping from me, and practically ran to the dresser.
“We should get cleaned up and eat something,” I suggested in a light tone, my heart pounding.
My hands trembled as I rummaged through my underwear drawer, and I was so damn tired of having zero control over my body tonight.
“Oh…yeah. Of course,” Beau said softly, and the disappointment in his voice sliced into me like a newly sharpened blade.
Fuck.
I couldn’t bear for him to feel bad. Not after what we’d just done. He should be basking in the afterglow, and here I was, ruining the mood again.
I grabbed a pair of silk shorts and quickly wiped myself with a hand towel.
I’d take a shower soon, but this would do for now.
I pulled on the shorts and turned around to find him sitting on the edge of the mattress, elbows on his thighs, head down as he wrung his hands.
He’d taken off the condom and pulled his boxers back on, and I felt like the biggest piece of shit.
Again.
I crossed the space between us, knelt between his legs, and took his hands in mine. “Hey,” I said softly, pressing a kiss to his palm. “I really need your help.”
Confusion overtook the disappointment, and he asked, “With what?”
“You fucked me so hard,” I said, inching closer on my knees. “That I’ve got no energy left to clean myself.” I tilted my head up and licked along his bottom lip. “Will you help me?”
Beau’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, his hands tightening on mine. “I would do anything for you.”
And just like that, I wanted to cry again.
“I was hoping you’d say that,” I said hoarsely, my throat feeling way too tight. My smile wobbled a little, as unsteady as I felt, and Beau pulled his hand from mine and swept his fingers along the side of my head.
“Thank you. For being with me,” he whispered. “I don’t even know why you would want to—”
I slapped my palm over his mouth so fast that his eyes went wide in surprise. Anger shot through me at his words. I wanted to go find everyone in his past that had ever made him doubt himself and slice them into ribbons.
“No,” I said vehemently. “I’ll tell you why I would be with you, Beau.
You’re the most kindhearted person I’ve ever met.
You’re sweet and genuine and so damn perfect that I want to wrap my arms around you and never let anyone ever hurt you.
I have never met anyone as good as you. You tell me I’m good all the time.
That I’m beautiful. But you’re the one who’s good and beautiful.
You’re the one who deserves those words.
Not me. I’m not like you, Beau. I’m not always nice.
I’m selfish. I’m being selfish right now, because you shouldn’t be doing this with me, but I don’t want you doing it with anyone else.
I can’t stand the thought of another man touching you, so if I have to be selfish, then—”
Beau shoved my hand away and slanted his mouth over mine, his fingers sifting through the hair on the back of my head, his tongue slipping past my lips.
I groaned and tangled my tongue with his, and as the kiss gentled, he nipped at my lips and drew back.
It felt like a soft, pink cloud had settled over my entire body.
When I opened my eyes, Beau was gazing down at me with a tenderness that squeezed at my heart.
“You’re not selfish,” he said softly. “How can you be selfish when you’ve given me so many good feelings?
You make me feel like I’m worth something.
Like I matter. You keep making me feel all these things, Lea, and I just—I wish you could see what I see,” he said, voice rough with emotion.
“Because I see you. And I never want to look anywhere else.”
“Beau…” I whispered, caught in his soft eyes, in the love that was shining in them. I was actually speechless. Frozen in this moment, locked in the delicate newness of something that was starting to eclipse all the pain of the past.
It all felt like nothing in the face of Beau’s words.
I jumped when Judy’s voice came through the door as she pounded on it, my forehead bumping into Beau’s nose. “Fuck,” I muttered. “Sorry, are you okay?”
His nose was scrunched in the most endearing way as he rubbed it with his fingers. “Yeah,” he said.
“Hey! Where’s the remote, Lea? Don’t even pretend to be asleep because I just heard you two talking!” Judy yelled through the door.
I closed my eyes and sighed. “I guess she’s home. I’ll be right back,” I said to Beau, kissing his cheek as I stood up. I grabbed my robe from the hook on the back of the door and pulled it on as Judy started pounding again. “I’m coming!” I shouted. “Fuck!”
With a glance back at Beau to make sure he wouldn’t be visible to Judy when I opened the door—he’d gotten under the covers and was beet red—I slipped out of the room.
“Judy,” I said, suddenly exhausted. She had her hands on her hips like a disappointed mother. “You seriously couldn’t find the remote yourself? What do you need to be watching TV for, it’s almost midnight.”
Judy followed me down the hall, her bare toes nipping at my heels and making me stumble. “I’m a night owl,” she said. “And just a suggestion, you should consider putting a TV in your guest room.”
“It’s not a guest room because I don’t have guests,” I told her.
As annoying as my sister was, I loved her. She just made it really, really hard sometimes to find that love, especially when she showed up out of the blue to stay for a week.
On the other hand, I had her unannounced arrival to thank for everything that was happening with Beau. If we hadn’t agreed to pretend to be dating, we wouldn’t have been forced to share a room, to spend more time together. He probably wouldn’t have come out to me, or kissed me…
Damn. The thought of that not happening actually made me feel sick.
“Did you check under the cushions? Did you even look before you bothered me?” I grouched, pulling the couch cushions out to hunt for the remote.
“I did, actually. You need to clean more often. That’s all I’m gonna say.”
“Says the woman whose car still has French fries on the floor from the early two thousands,” I muttered.
“Oh, I also want to say that I’m over the moon about you two.” Judy grabbed my arm and said, “Riley and I were talking about you two.”
Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
A coldness washed through me. What the fuck had they talked about? I hadn’t spoke to Riley or Monroe about Beau yet. What had Judy said? What had she told him? Had he told Monroe yet? Or Shea? No, Shea barely got reception out there.
This was bad. This was beyond bad. Jesus fucking Christ, I forgot all about my friends and how they might react to this. Had been so wrapped up in Beau that Judy hanging out with Riley didn’t even ping on my radar of things I should potentially panic about.
“Um…what did you and Riley talk about, exactly?” I tried to sound casual, just kept hunting for the remote in the couch without seeing a damn thing.
“Oh, this and that. Just how lovely Beau is. How perfect he is for you. I’m really, really happy for you, Lea. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile like you do with Beau.” The sincerity in her tone made my chest feel tight.
“Yeah,” I managed to say. “He is perfect. And I am happy.” I was beginning to realize that was the truth. It terrified me and comforted me all at once.
“Oh look! How’d it get down there?” Judy asked, plucking the remote from where it was wedged under the arm of the sofa.
An image of me lying on top of Beau right here a few hours ago flashed through my mind.
How, indeed.
“You need anything else?” I asked, putting the cushions back.
“Yeah. I need you to actually spend some time with me, you jerk.” Judy plopped down onto the couch and pouted at me.
I rolled my eyes, but I knew she was feeling a little rejected. “Fine. Let’s go mini golfing tomorrow. Then you can come down to the beach with us.”
Judy lit up. “Oh, that sounds perfect.”
“Night, Judes.”
She gave me a distracted wave as she flipped through the channels.
I rubbed my hand down my face and made my way back to the bedroom, tired as hell and wanting to cuddle up against Beau.
When I opened the door, Beau was still under the covers, turned on his side facing me. His eyes were closed, but he couldn’t have fallen asleep that quickly, right? I was only gone for about five minutes.
“Beau?” I called softy. He didn’t stir.
Oh my god. He was asleep. Warmth spilled from my chest and spread through my body as I slipped off my robe, turned out the light, and slid under the covers. Fuck it. We could shower in the morning.
Definitely together.
“Lea,” Beau murmured when I pressed back against him and wrapped his arm around my chest, lacing my fingers through his. He nestled closer to me, nuzzling his face into the back of my neck.
It would be way too easy to get used to this. Maybe I already had.
Oh well.