Chapter 26
LEA
Iwas such a fucking idiot.
I mean, that was a given, but I was so stupid.
In my defense, though, I’d never been in love like this before.
The moment it struck me that that’s what I’d been feeling all along was after I’d sucked him off in the community center.
Right then, staring down at his flushed face, I’d known deep in my soul that I would do anything for this man, that I never wanted to be with anyone but him ever again.
That even a lifetime with him seemed like it wouldn’t be enough.
I wanted to take care of him in every way I could; he kept showing me his most precious, vulnerable parts, and I intended to protect those parts with every fiber of my being and give him my own for safe-keeping.
This love was entirely different from anything I’d experienced in my life, which wasn’t surprising considering how special Beau was. My love for him was soft and all-encompassing, as quiet and gentle as he was.
I knew I could trust him with anything. With everything.
From the start, things with him had been so uncomplicated—which really should have been my first clue.
It was like some vital part of me had recognized him on a soul-deep level; everything with him had been a desperate, long-lasting need rather than a quick fix.
The feelings I’d had for Lyle didn’t even compare—and to be frank, it would be disrespectful to Beau to even try.
And lord he was mesmerizing at those tutoring sessions.
Watching him take control of a classroom—even one with only eight young students—was sexy beyond belief.
I knew he had it in him, he just needed someone to give him a little push in the right direction.
He was so damn good with those kids, too.
And afterward, he would always talk about them with a smile on his face and an excitement that made me melt.
I could listen to him talk in that deep, sexy voice for hours.
Forever.
Yeah, forever sounded nice.
I admired him so much for leaving his comfort zone and doing something that scared him.
That first day, he’d been so afraid, standing up there all alone, that both his body and his voice had been trembling.
But did he run away? Did he make excuses and quit?
No. He stuck it out, he bulldozed right over his fear and kept on going. And now? Now he loved it.
It made me wonder why I was allowing myself to be ruled by my own fears.
If Beau could go up against his, then I could do the same with mine.
Despite being terrified to give him that final piece of myself, I knew if I kept holding back that nothing long-lasting could grow between us.
This thing we had now would slowly wither and die, until there was no choice but to separate.
He would get tired of me and my lack of commitment.
If I wanted to keep him—for good—I had to shed the final vestiges of my past.
Beau had been helping me let it go all along, though.
He didn’t have an unkind bone in his body, and I knew in my soul that he would never, ever deliberately hurt anyone.
More specifically, he wouldn’t hurt me. And knowing that…
well, knowing that scared the ever-loving shit out of me, but it also reassured me.
The past few weeks, we’d fallen into a scarily comfortable routine; I would bring him food from the bar, he would sometimes make me delicious baked goods, and we would often lie on the couch and try to watch TV.
We usually ended up having sex in one way or another, and instead of diminishing, my need for him had only grown more demanding.
I was insatiable when it came to Beau.
Sometimes we’d go down to the ocean for a swim, and on the weekends, if I wasn’t working, we’d walk around and find new places to eat at or sit on a bench and people watch. To me, it didn’t matter what we did; as long as I was with him, that was enough.
Beau was truly a good person down to his core, one of the most selfless people I’d ever met, and I wanted him to be mine.
Indelibly.
More than that, I wanted to be good for him.
I wanted to slough off the last of my misgivings and open my arms to the love I’d stupidly denied.
There was no way to truly erase the past, but Beau was teaching me that all I needed was someone who could cover the wounds for good.
Someone who’d never reopen them, someone who’d cherish my feelings and bring only happiness into my life. Someone I wanted to do the same for.
He was, without a shred of doubt, that someone.
The guilt at how I’d handled his almost-confession had been eating at me for weeks, and I’d tried to make up for my reluctance to accept his love in other ways.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about him and how he made me feel.
Everything about him was addicting, every part of him undeniably pure.
Who was I to make him feel like he wasn’t enough when he was more than enough?
I wanted him and everything he had to offer me, but I wasn’t able to recognize that his feelings perfectly mirrored mine.
Well, I was aware now, and I intended to let him know as soon as I got off work.
I’d left him a note this morning, but I was assuming, because he hadn’t texted or called, that he hadn’t found it yet.
That was fine. I would just tell him when I got there.
After work, I hummed the entire walk back to the apartment. It would be our apartment, soon enough. What a thought that was. It made me walk faster, and by the time I got through the door, my heart was racing with excited anticipation.
“Beau, darling, I have something to tell you!” I called out, slipping off my shoes and hanging up my keys. When I turned around, I froze.
“Whoa…what happened in here?” I said warily, eyeing the sudden garden my living room had become. It smelled divine, though.
And right in the middle of it all, looking as pretty as ever, was Beau.
He sat in the center of the couch, fingers twisting nervously together, and my heart cracked open.
With a small smile, I made my way over to him, cupped his face in my hands, said, “Hello, love,” and planted a soft kiss on his eager lips.
He made a small sound in the back of his throat and curled his fingers around my wrists, holding me tight.
I pulled away and stared down into his soft eyes, my chest feeling like it would burst with how full it was.
“I missed you,” I whispered, brushing my nose against his.
“I missed you, too,” he said, so much emotion in his voice that it set my pulse racing and made my nerve endings catch fire.
“Beau, babe, did you get all these flowers for me?”
There were so many different emotions in his expressive eyes that it was hard to parse them out, but I could clearly see the anxiety in them and I needed that to disappear.
“Yes,” he said. “You said no one had ever given you flowers before, and I—I wanted to do that for you. I may have gone a bit overboard.” His cheeks flushed with that last statement, so I sat down beside him, took his hands in mine, and looked around at the gorgeous array he’d set out. All for me.
My heart couldn’t take this.
I looked back at this beautiful man and said, “I love them so much. Thank you, Beau.” I lifted one of his hands to my lips and pressed a kiss onto his soft skin.
“Lea, I…” He swallowed hard, his thumbs brushing nervously against my hands over and over again. “There’s something I need to say to you, and I want you to let me say it. Please?”
Fuck, he was killing me. I held his hands firmly and said, “Of course. What is it, babe?”
His eyes bounced back and forth between mine, his face a deep scarlet.
His voice trembled as he said, “I need you to know that I love you, Lea.” I stopped breathing as a prickling sensation started at the top of my head and slowly rolled down my body.
“I love every part of you, and you—you will never feel the same, I know that, and I-I think I always knew that. I knew that and I still couldn’t help falling in love with you.
I just needed to tell you, at least this one time, because—”
I surged forward, taking his lips in a desperate kiss. My throat was too thick for words, and with one hand cradling the back of his head and the other pressing against his lower back, urging him closer, I poured every ounce of love and adoration and gratitude I felt into the kiss.
I was so undeserving of someone like him, but god, I loved him too much to ever let him go. When I drew back, we were both panting, and he was clutching at the sleeves of my shirt like he’d float away if he wasn’t holding on to me.
“Beau,” I rasped, rubbing my cheek against his.
Finally hearing those words from his lips was like being told I never had to worry about anything ever again.
Now it was my turn to make him feel that same soft security.
Pulling back so I could look into his eyes—eyes that were welling with tears—I brushed my fingers across the hair just above his ear and said, “I guess you didn’t find my note.”
His brows drew together, a tear sliding free and breaking my heart. I wiped it away, smiling softly at him. “What note?” he asked quietly.
“Come here,” I said, standing and pulling him with me.
“Lea—”
“Just let me show you something real quick,” I said, dragging him toward the bedroom. I’d stuck it on one of his monitors, but maybe it had fallen off?
When we got in the room, I let go of his hand and went over to the desk, looking for the small piece of pink paper.
“Lea, can you just—just tell me what you want? Should I l-leave now?”
He sounded so small and broken open, like it had taken everything in him to confess his love to me and he’d been left with nothing.
Fuck, I was an idiot.
I whipped around and wrapped my arms around him immediately, as if he would actually leave if I wasn’t holding him.
“No,” I said roughly, squeezing him tighter.
“Beau, I never want you to leave. Ever.” Pulling back, I cradled his face in my hands, looked into those sad brown eyes, and said softly, “I love you, Beau Hart. I’m sorry it took me so long to catch up. ”
Doubt festered like an open wound in those eyes. “Y-you love me?”
Keeping my eyes on his, I turned him around and backed him up until his legs hit the bed, slowly pressed him back onto the mattress, and crawled over him until I was straddling him.
I folded my arms above his head, rubbed my nose against his, and whispered, “Yes, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Beau set his hands gently on my back, eyes glistening with tears, and whispered, “You’re just saying that.”
My heart cracked open.
He didn’t believe me.
I kissed him, a featherlight press of my lips on his, and said, “Well, I am saying that—because it’s the truth. If you’ll let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life convincing you just how much I mean it.”
“Lea…”
Hope mingled with doubt in his voice, and I splayed my hands on either side of his face, making sure he was looking into my eyes so he could see the truth.
“Beau, I love you,” I said vehemently, needing him to believe it.
“I’m so sorry it took me this long to realize it, and I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry if you ever felt like you weren’t enough because you have become everything to me.
I want to be with you in every way a man can be with the man he loves.
I want to wake up every morning in your arms and fall asleep every night feeling your heart beat.
Forever. Because I love you. Please believe that. ”
Beau’s tears had spilled over halfway through my declaration, so I whispered, “Don’t cry, baby,” and kissed them away.
His arms tightened around me until I was flush against his chest, lying on top of him with my face beside his.
I peppered his cheek with more kisses. “Don’t cry.
” I ran my fingers through his hair, then stroked them back and forth across his fuzz.
“You—you really love me?” he blubbered, holding onto me like he was afraid I’d disappear if he let go.
“I really, really, really love you, babe,” I said softly. “I really, really do.”
He choked out a laugh and turned his face until our noses were touching and our eyes were locked together. “I feel like I’m dreaming. That makes me so happy. You make me so happy, Lea.”
“That’s all I want for you. To be happy.” I captured his lips and poured every ounce of love I could into the kiss, wanting to reassure him of how much I meant every word. I drew away and asked, “Will you be my boyfriend, Beau? I promise I’ll make you even happier.”
His breath hitched and his eyes welled with new tears. “Oh, god, yes—”
“What the fuck?” said a deep voice behind us.
I jolted in Beau’s arms as he gasped. “Shea,” he said in a small voice.
My entire body tensed up.
Shit.
“What the hell is going on?” Before I could even turn around, Shea grabbed me my arm and pulled me off Beau.
“Whoa!” I cried as he fisted the material of my shirt, his eyes filled with an angry disbelief. “Shea, it’s not—”
“Don’t touch him!” Beau cried, shoving his brother so hard that Shea’s anger shifted into shock and he let go of me, stumbling back.
Beau quickly positioned himself in front of me with his arms out.
Protecting me.
“Don’t you touch him, Shea, he didn’t do anything.” Beau turned and rested his hand on my arm, his eyes filled with concern. “Are you okay?”
I caught Shea’s bewildered expression over the top of Beau’s head and said, “Yeah, I’m fine, babe.”
Beau followed my gaze and turned around, pressing his body back against mine. “Leave him alone,” he said fiercely. “He didn’t do anything wrong, so just leave him alone!”
“I thought he was…” Shea trailed off, confused and shocked. “What—” He ran his hands through his hair, tugged at the strands, then let his arms fall to his sides. “What the hell is going on?” He looked between me and Beau, shaking his head.
And Beau—dear, sweet Beau—proclaimed, “I’m gay. And—and I’m in love with Lea. And he loves me back, and—”
And oh, I wanted to kiss him for his courage.
Shea looked as if he was being strangled. “What? When did this happen? Why wouldn’t you tell me something like that? Beau, I…”
I set my hands on Beau’s shoulders, and he immediately covered them with his own. “I think I should leave and let you guys talk.”
“No, you don’t—” Beau started to say.
“Beau, he’s right,” Shea sighed. “You and I need to talk.”
“I’ll be in the living room,” I said quietly, placing a kiss on top of Beau’s head and walking out of the room, shutting the door behind me and hoping Shea didn’t hate me now.