Chapter 27
BEAU
“How could you treat him like that? He’s your best friend,” I said in disbelief.
Shea shook his head. “Exactly. He’s my best friend. I left you with him thinking he’d look after you while I was gone and—”
Anger surged in me, stronger than anything I’d felt in a long time, and I shouted, “I don’t need you to look after me, or for your friends to look after me!
I’ve been on my own since I was thirteen and I haven’t needed you to protect me for a long, long time.
Stop treating me like a child. You had your chance to be my brother—you had your chance to protect me, and it’s over now. So just—just stop. Please.”
The words spilled from some bitter, angry part of me that had kept a firm hold on all my resentments of the past. My hands trembled, so I curled them into fists and dug my nails into my palms.
“Beau, I didn’t want to leave you,” he rasped.
I looked at Shea then—really took him in.
He looked tired and defeated, and I wasn’t sure it was all because of what he’d just discovered.
There were dark circles under his eyes, like he hadn’t slept properly in weeks, and his clothes were wrinkled and unkempt, his hair too long and looking like it hadn’t seen a brush in a while.
“I didn’t want to leave you with her,” he whispered, sinking to the floor and burying his face in his upraised thighs. Panic and regret for my harsh words dropped me down beside him and I laid my hand against his back.
“Shea, it’s okay, I’m sorry, I was just—I just got—I don’t want you to be mad at Lea because he didn’t do anything wrong.
No one did. I know it’s—it’s probably…a big surprise,” I said.
“And I felt like I couldn’t tell you the truth about me because Mom was always there, and if she found out—if she knew I was everything she hated, then—I just couldn’t bear it if she hated me, too. You left and she was all I had.”
Shea raised his head, his face streaked with tears, and his next words were like a knife to my heart.
“I wanted to kill myself,” he said in a thin, flat voice.
“That’s why I left. I had to leave. If I stayed there for one more second I would have done something so much worse than just move across the country.
” The anguish in his eyes was deep and real, and I felt like my entire world was crumbling around me.
“What…?” I breathed. A deeply uncomfortable icy sensation slid down my spine.
Shea straightened his legs out and took my face in his hands, pressing his forehead to mine. “I’m so sorry, Beau. I didn’t want to leave you, but I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.”
My heart was being torn to pieces, an awful helplessness filling me. In a few short words, he’d destroyed any hard feelings I still harbored. They fell around us like ashes, the now-harmless fallout of secrets that never should have been kept.
Shea had been in so much pain back then that he’d wanted to die…
and I’d never known. For twelve years I’d resented him for the decisions he’d made.
God, I was a fool. I wished I could go back and just hold him.
Tell him I would forgive him for anything, that it was okay to leave, because more than anything, I just wanted him to be happy.
I felt as tired as Shea looked now. My hands were still shaking as I placed them on his shoulders, needing to be physically connected to him in some way. Needing to reassure myself that he was right here, that he hadn’t done what he’d been wanting to do all those years ago.
“Of course I forgive you, Shea. Of course I do. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know, I didn’t… Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve…” But what would I have done? What would I have been able to do for him? I was only thirteen.
“Seems like we were both keeping secrets,” he said with a weak smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “I didn’t want you to worry.” He pulled away and met my gaze. “I didn’t want you to even think about something like that. To put it in your head.”
“But you’re my brother…and—and I love you. Worrying is just a part of loving someone.”
Shea let out a long breath. “I just feel like I’ve let you down over and over again, and I thought bringing you here would help us move past everything.
That we could be close again, like we used to be.
That maybe all those years we were apart wouldn’t matter, or I could make up for all that lost time somehow. I’ve missed you for so, so long, and—”
I threw my arms around him and hugged him hard. “We can be close again. I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere, okay? I love you, Shea.”
Shea held me to him and rasped, “I love you so much, Beau bear. So much.”
I hadn’t heard that nickname in such a long, long time. My breath hitched and I squeezed him tighter.
We were quiet for a long moment, just holding each other, and even though my heart was in pieces at his gut-wrenching admission, I knew I could put those pieces back together. He was okay. He was right here. But…
“Do you still feel like you want to do that?” I asked a little hesitantly.
Shea drew away and clutched at my upper arms. “No,” he said emphatically.
“I haven’t had those kinds of thoughts since I left Kansas.
Lea and all the guys know what I was going through.
They really helped me a lot back then. I really can’t imagine my life without them, honestly.
But you don’t have to worry, I’m okay now. ”
I sighed, tension releasing from my body. “Good. That’s good. I—”
“Hey, why is all your stuff in here? When the hell did you move into Lea’s room?” he grumbled, his eyes fastened to my computer monitors.
“Um…I’m not really sure, honestly. A while ago.”
“Jesus. What the fuck happened while I was gone?”
And my overprotective brother was back.
I was feeling a little overprotective myself—but of Lea. “I fell in love with Lea, that’s what happened.”
His eyes were hard on mine, his jaw clenched, and then he cursed and rubbed his hands over his face. “Tell me he didn’t start this. That he didn’t come on to you first. Lea doesn’t believe in love, Beau. Well, he hasn’t for a long time.”
Offended on Lea’s behalf, I snapped, “That isn’t true at all, you jerk.
And what would it matter if he did make the first move?
Which he didn’t, by the way. I did. We’re both adults, Shea.
We make our own damn choices, and I’m sorry if you don’t like them, but you’re just gonna have to deal with it.
I love him and I won’t ever let you treat him like you did just now again. Ever. Do you understand me?”
Shea’s eyebrows were raised high as he stared at me in disbelief. “Holy shit,” he huffed, a small smile on his lips. “You really do love him.”
“Yeah, I do, so go apologize to him. He didn’t deserve that. I love you, but god, I’m mad at how you handled that.”
Shea had the decency to look ashamed. “You have to understand, I’ve known Lea for over twelve years and he doesn’t—” He shook his head. “Fuck. He really loves you?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yeah. He’s really special, Shea.”
Shea sighed. “I know he is.” He stood up and held his hand out to me. “I guess I’ve got no choice but to be happy for you guys. But it’s fucking weird.” He mumbled the last part to himself.
I let him pull me up and said, “No, you don’t have a choice. Please go apologize.”
He reached out and ruffled my hair, and I batted his hand away, making him laugh.
I was glad to hear him laugh.
Before he could open the door, I stopped him with a hand on his forearm. “Hold on, are you okay? All of this notwithstanding. You look tired. And a little sad. Did something happen?”
Shea paused, then glanced away. “No, I’m just…it was a long trip and I’m glad to be back. The bed on the boat wasn’t very comfortable.”
“How did it go?”
He shook his head. “It was fine.” He pulled his arm from my grip and walking out the door.
What the fuck happened while he was gone was right, because it was clear that something had happened.
I started to smile, but it fell away when I realized the reason he looked so haggard was not a good one. Had someone done something to him? Did I need to find them and confront them?
Ugh. Who was the overprotective brother now?