33. 33
33
Honey
I wished I could stay like this forever; sprawled across my bed with Stefanie London’s The Dachshund Wears Prada in my hands, the sounds of birds and insects and the smell of fruit trees wafting through the open window. Duke snored loudly on the rug next to my bed, without a care in the world. His paws pointed skyward and his big floppy ears were around his head. Every now and then a squeak would come from him, causing me to gag on a stench so vile I was surprised Granny’s orchard didn’t shrivel. It was a dog’s life.
I’d been locked away in my bedroom since late last night, when I realised that bottomless mugs of tea given to me by Ellie-May and Granny weren’t doing anything to soothe my frayed nerves. I’d taken myself upstairs and burrowed under the blankets with a book. Multiple books, actually, because every time I closed my eyes, I was haunted by the rodeo. All I wanted was to be sucked into the rustling pages and black ink, surrounded by a world made of letters and punctuation. I wanted to be the current female main character I was reading, Isla Thompson. The only problems she had was taking care of a snooty dachshund and resisting her feelings towards the dog’s wealthy and very eligible owner against a Manhattan background.
An orange monarch butterfly landed on the windowsill and I watched until it fluttered off into nature again. I wanted the freedom of its wings, the ability to just fly from a life which had become messy and start afresh somewhere else. Maybe I would go to Manhattan, and live a life like Isla. I didn’t want a swanky Theo Garrison though. And I could hardly breathe in Brisbane, so I would suffocate in New York City. I wanted the cowboy who’d come to check on me when what felt like the entire world was against me. I wanted to be here, in Gumtree Valley, living the life I’d once had with Colton.
I pinched my eyes shut harder until stars and swirls danced across blackness. I could still hear Chris Stapleton’s “Broken Halos” playing around Colton and me. Every time I thought of it, I felt like I was floating away on a cloud all over again. But then I would remember the blur of Colton being yanked away and the frightening rage across Beau’s features. The sound of them punching one another were horrible earworms. Crunching and wet. Going round and round. I still didn’t know what had happened after Sarge had barged through the crowd. The local Facebook group was banning any posts or comments made about it.
All morning I’d hummed and hawed about going next door. The way I saw it, there could be two outcomes to my unannounced visit. The better being we could all sit down like adults and make amends. Or it could result in the Hayes brothers punching on all over again. Plus, I was too frightened to have Clyde open the door to me and tell me that both of his sons had beaten each other to death. I doubted it. I never thought I’d witness such an aggressive side from Beau either though. Colton? He didn’t become such a good bull rider without a bit of hot blood.
I suppose it was best that I steer clear of Double Q Ranch. I’d done enough damage, even if Colton swore their problems started long before I became a part of it. I had to leave them to repair their broken relationship themselves. Did that settle the fear of Colton being seriously injured? Absolutely not. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep myself away.
There was the soft shuffling of Granny’s footsteps on the worn floorboards before she appeared in the doorway. ‘You have a visitor.’
I hated myself for the way my heart sunk when I reached the kitchen. Because the cowboy holding a bunch of wildflowers clutched in his large hand wasn’t Colton. It was Beau. Beau, with a severely beaten face. I moved towards him slowly, unable to keep my jaw closed as I looked at his swollen eye, his grazed cheeks and split lip. His knuckles were busted, once open wounds now scabbing over.
‘I’m going to go and check those fruit trees.’ Granny planted her hat on her head by the front door, not before giving Beau a look of warning. I swear the rugged and punched-up cowboy shrunk under the old woman’s gaze. ‘Come on, Duke, let’s leave them to sort their problems in peace.’
The door clicked shut after Duke’s wagging tail, leaving the two of us in stony silence. I opened my mouth and clamped it shut. There was so much I wanted to say. Words and phrases whirred around in my head and I tried desperately to clutch at one of them and just spit something out.
‘Do you want a cup of tea?’ I blurted. I was nervous like the man in front of me was a stranger, like I’d forgotten that we’d dated, had sex and almost been engaged. So much had happened in the past couple of months that Beau did kind of feel like a stranger.
He gave a small smile, before flinching, and I assumed it was because of his injuries. ‘I don’t drink tea.’
I closed my eyes, feeling tears burn at the back of them. ‘Right, right. I knew that. Honestly, I did. I just—’
‘Got any beer?’
I scrambled for the fridge, rummaging through the shelves fully well knowing Granny was going to kill me for taking a bottle from what she thought was a secret stash. But these were desperate times. I twisted the cap off and extended it out to Beau, who took a swig like a man who had been stranded in the desert. It was strangely comforting knowing he was struggling with this just as much as I was.
‘Oh, uh, these are for you.’
The bunch of wildflowers were thrust toward me and I took them with a timid smile. When our fingers brushed, there was no spark. The stems were warm and droopy from Beau’s tight grasp. A single tear dribbled down my cheek. I couldn’t really explain the sadness that filled me. It wasn’t like I’d lost a relationship full of love. I still didn’t know if I’d ever really loved Beau. I’d still loved Colton when we broke up. I’d pined for him for weeks and months. With Beau and I, it was like a switch had been flipped off. Easy. Painless.
I placed the vase on the island counter, now full of water and nourishing the flowers. Beau was leaning against the bench opposite, nursing his beer already half empty.
‘Colton is fine, by the way.’ His voice was strained. I didn’t doubt that just the mention of his brother would be taxing. ‘I figured at the sight of me you’d be wondering how he fared.’
‘I’m sorry.’ I swallowed thickly. The heaviness I felt in my gut wasn’t heartache. It was just raw and painful guilt. ‘You should hate my guts, and I wouldn’t blame you. I got between you and Colton, knowing someone’s heart was going to get broken.’
Beau was quiet. The fridge hummed. Until he sucked in a breath, let it out. ‘If I didn’t think I couldn’t control my jealousy, I wouldn’t have pursued things with you, Honey.’ He gave a small smile and it took a little bit of my guilt away. A little bit . ‘I guess we’re both a bit at fault.’
‘We probably should have called it quits a long time ago, huh?’ I stared into the flowers; a mixture of purple, yellow, orange and white.
Beau’s boots moved across the floorboards. He was walking towards me like he did with a skittish horse he was gentling. His warmth radiated onto my skin when he stopped next to me, but it didn’t make me want to curl into him. ‘Maybe it was a blessing and a curse having Colton come home. It made us realise things we were too scared to admit.’
Another tear fell down my cheek, splashing onto the blue tiles. ‘I really am sorry, Beau.’
‘Hell, Honey. I know you’re not the type of girl to do all this on purpose.’ He braced his arms on the bench, thick, tanned and strong. But not a single spot of tattoo ink. ‘Part of me wishes you were. It would make it easy to hate you, but you’re not like that and that’s why I’m scared you’re going to have a hold on me for a long time, Honey McBride.’
I sniffled. ‘I was happy with you, until …’
‘Until you weren’t.’
I swallowed with a nod. I wish I could tell him I’d made a mistake. That I really had chosen him over Colton. That I didn’t want to give up on us. We could start afresh. Surely Colton wouldn’t be around much longer. But I knew, and so did he, that there was too much water under the bridge. We could forgive, but we couldn’t forget. And that big storm cloud of jealousy and doubt would just block any rays of sunshine we tried to create.
‘Can you wait here a sec? There’s something I need to give you.’
Beau’s curious gaze followed me up the staircase and when I returned, his eyes narrowed in on the small box in my hands with a sharp breath. I gestured for his hand, placing the delicate box in a palm which was roughened by the work he’d done since he could walk.
‘I never deserved this ring, even when you thought I did.’ I smiled gently. ‘Give it to a girl who is good enough for you, Beau Hayes.’
He only nodded silently, his strong arms dragging me to be cuddled against his chest. I wrapped my arms around his waist hesitantly, my nose in his chest as I breathed the smell of aftershave, hay and horses. I would miss sitting on the yard rails watching him work a young horse and I would miss opening the front door to him when we’d been ordered by Granny to sample her new jams. That V8 LandCruiser would no longer set Duke off on a barking rampage and the passenger seat would one day have another girl riding alongside him. Gone were the nights of being cuddled into his strong body and waking up early to make him a morning coffee. No more kisses on the cheeks and ‘see you tonight’ s. No more random lunch dates when he was on a supply run in town.
I didn’t know what type of girl would be the one to heal the wounds I’d left on Beau’s heart. What I did know was that she would be the luckiest girl in the world.