34. 34
34
Honey
7 YEARS EARLIER…
I sat at the kitchen table, my chin in my hand. Bridal and wedding magazines were sprawled all over. In the centre was the mood board I’d created, sporting the magazine cut-outs.
A country wedding.
Colton waiting for me next to Riley beneath an arch made of native flowers. Ellie-May walking to them first in a silk lavender dress. The old-fashioned and stiff family members would probably gasp and whisper at the piercings and tattoos that my best friend would display with pride. Not that I would care what anyone was thinking or saying. Because then I would arrive after being led to the alter on Misty, the train of my dress draped across her rump and my trusty mare repping a custom-made bridle with her name on it. Clyde would help me down, whisper something about how proud he was to have me part of the family, and then I would grip his arm as he walked me down to his son. Colton would be standing there in his best hat, wearing a dress shirt, tie, moleskins and polished boots. He would smile at me, battling tears. I would give his hands a comforting squeeze once I arrived in front of him. The celebrant would clear her throat.
Then, we would be married.
‘Don’t rush into setting everything in stone just yet,’ said my granny from the kitchen, carefully pulling out a rack of now sterile jars from the oven. ‘You’re only young. Plenty of time!’
‘I know.’ I shuffled around a wad of cut-outs before pinning them in place. ‘But I don’t want to wait too long for the wedding. Colton is leaving tomorrow and he’ll be too busy to talk about wedding plans.’
Granny gave a grunt. ‘He’s the one who proposed to you. It shouldn’t matter what’s going on in his life to plan the rest of your lives together.’
‘Granny …’
‘You know I love Colton, Honey.’ Granny made her way to the table, resting a tea towel holding hand on one hip. ‘But I worry about this big step when the both of you are still so young. Colton, as much as he loves you, is too worried about his new and exciting career. Your lives are going to change. As it should, you’re both young with the world at your feet. What are you going to do when he’s gone? Plan the wedding until he eventually comes back?’
‘I’ve been looking into those uni courses,’ I said distractedly, pinning a bride’s hairdo of curls decorated with flowers into place. ‘Colton and I have talked about this. We’ll talk every day and he’ll be back home for Christmas, which is when we’re planning to have the wedding. Then we’re going to have a conversation about what we want to do. I might change my mind and decide to go back to the US with him if his riding’s still going well. But that’s ages away.’
I hoped Granny couldn’t see the doubt on my face. I’d been having the same worrying thoughts as her. If she did, she didn’t show it and gave a tight-lipped frown before returning to her jar sterilising. I rested back into my chair, surveying the additions to the mood board, annoyed that the conversation I’d just had with Granny had dimmed the sparkle of it all. As much as I wanted to be Colton’s wife, I couldn’t help but feel we’d put the cart before the horse. Once you were married, you were settled. Committed. But Colton was only hoping his two-year contract would be extended. Why wasn’t he worried about coming back home to me, to our future? We would be twenty-one by the time he got back and we had plans to buy our own place in Gumtree Valley. I wanted kids by the time I was twenty-five. Would he still be happy with those plans if his contract was extended? I didn’t want to live in the US. I didn’t want to raise our children on a rodeo circuit. I craved the stable home for them. The one I never knew until I was six.
My phone pinged with a message amongst the clutter and I dug for a short time before smiling at a text from Colton.
Meet me at the usual spot.
There wasn’t his usual string of love emoji to follow it. Then again, he had been busy training at the rodeo grounds and packing for his big flight tomorrow. I felt special that he was still thinking of doing nice things with me with so much on his plate.
‘I’m going out on Misty, Granny!’
She hadn’t been able to utter a response before I was out the door and racing to the tack shed. With Misty saddled, I sent her cantering in the direction of the big gum tree that sat in the furthest corner dividing Double Q Ranch and Appleyard Farm. A sense of sadness washed over me as we moved across the paddocks. For two whole years there wouldn’t be any twilight rides with Colton. No secret rendezvous at View Point, my heart thumping wildly with the fear of someone seeing us in the back of his ute. I was scared of how much I was going to miss him and the insecure part of me worried if another girl would take him from me. But the ring on my finger meant he’d picked me forever. This was Colton. The boy who’d been in my life for thirteen years. I trusted him more than anyone. I had to remember that.
Colton was already beneath the shade of the tree by the time I steadied Misty to a halt by the fence. The young horse he’d ridden shuffled nervously from where it was tied to a low-lying branch. I grinned at Colton as I climbed through the fence Misty was now tied to and threw myself into his arms. I hugged him tightly, being grateful for every last minute we spent together, and leant for a kiss only to be pushed back gently. Automatically, my stomach twisted and a cold wash crashed over me.
‘Wanna sit down?’
For the first time since I’d known him, it was hard to decipher the vibes coming from Colton. He’d been acting fine yesterday. In fact, he’d been walking on cloud nine since I accepted his proposal. A couple weeks later, he got the news of his contract to the US. It was a wonder he wasn’t swinging around the streetlights in town and clicking his spurs together. Now, he was sitting away from me like I was an electric fence.
It was terrifying.
‘Is … everything okay?’ When he didn’t reply, drawing a stick in the bare dirt, my worry intensified. ‘Colton, if you’re nervous about going to the States, you have no reason to be ashamed. It’s a huge deal, and if it were me—’
‘It’s not that. I’m excited about it,’ he said mildly.
‘Oh.’ My brain rattled. ‘Is it about your dad? You know he supports you. He’s just sad that you’re leaving.’
‘It’s not that either.’
I sighed now, exasperated. ‘Is it the wedding? Because I’m only brainstorming. I haven’t actually booked anything in but—’
‘I think we should break up.’
Time slowed to a grinding halt. Was I breathing? There was a whooshing in my ears, reminding me of a character I’d watched get tossed around in the ocean during a movie. I felt stunned. Blind-sided. Like a horse had charged up behind me and flattened me into the ground. Maybe my heart would hurt less if a horse had trampled it.
‘W-What? Why?’ I managed to gasp out. My chest was aching. Breathing was painful.
How did I breathe again? Out, in, in, out . Nope, that’s crying.
Colton wouldn’t look at me. ‘I’m moving away for two years. You don’t want to come with me. How can I have a wife I’ll never see?’
‘You’re the one who proposed knowing how I felt about moving to the US!’
I was becoming angry now. I felt like a cow who’d been ushered to the back paddocks so the kids couldn’t see daddy “take her to the neighbour’s.” How could he do this? The night before he left? With no warning. He’d only told me last night he loved the idea of using native flowers for our wedding with three kissy face emoji. Why didn’t he tell me he was having doubts? We’d been together since we were fourteen. We always worked things out. Unless this time, he didn’t want to …
Colton shot to his feet. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have.’
I wheezed for breath, tears streaming freely down my face, but I forced myself to rise next to him on trembling legs. ‘Why now? Why do you only have this … this … epiphany? After you’ve been allowing me to plan our wedding for months! The night before you go!’
Colton whirled to face me and I was slightly relieved to see he was becoming upset. It told me that a part of him didn’t want this. ‘I dunno! I guess the more I thought about it …’ He closed his eyes. ‘I felt like I’ve been faking the past couple of weeks.’
I staggered. ‘Faking?’
He grimaced. ‘I just kept thinking about how we want different lives. I thought we could make it work but the more I thought, the more I realised. You don’t want to move, Honey, and that’s okay. But I don’t want to stay and that needs to be okay too.’
‘It’s only two years,’ I whimpered.
Colton eyed me gently. ‘And if it turns into more? I want to make the most of everything I get over there, Honey.’
‘So I’m not enough.’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘Your actions say differently,’ I spat. ‘You’re not even giving it a chance! Who knows, I might want to come over!’
Colton looked at me like I’d grown a second head. ‘You honestly mean that? Or are you just saying that so we stay together, get married and then you decide you don’t want to move to the US and I’m stuck here?’
‘Well, I’m sorry if being stuck here with me is so horrible!’
‘Why do I have to sacrifice my dreams for yours?’ Colton’s jaw was clenched now. He never got angry at me.
‘Why do I have to live the life you want?’ I shouted back.
‘This is for the best, Honey.’ Colton’s voice was meant to come out strong but I heard the weakness underneath.
Something desperate possessed me as I chased after him as he made his way back to his horse. I grabbed a fistful of his shirt, dragging him back towards me. ‘No, Colton. Please, you’re all I have.’ He turned to face me, tears pooling his own eyes. ‘Please, please, please don’t do this.’
‘I know I’m all you have.’ Tears were falling down his face now too, his voice rough. I’d never seen Colton cry. That had to mean something. ‘Use this to find something more.’
I felt numb, unsure whether to fight or collapse as he pried my hands off him. By the time I decided to fight, he was already swung up onto his horse.
‘I’m sorry, baby. This is for the best, I promise.’
I could do nothing but curl into myself amongst the dry grass, my heart feeling like it’d been clawed from my chest, listening to Colton’s horse gallop away.