Chapter Sixty
Chapter
Sixty
Beulah
Loud music woke me up.
When I opened my eyes, the cream-colored fluffy rug was under my cheek. I’d fallen asleep on the floor last night. Stretching, my body felt stiff and abused. Not from the hardwood floor—I’d slept on worse. My aches and pains were from the drain all my crying had caused.
Sitting up, I winced from a sharp pain in my left hip. Maybe the hard floor got a few slugs into me after all.
I sat up in the dark room and a blanket pooled in my lap. Someone had covered me up and turned off the lights last night.
Looking up at the ceiling, I wondered if he was home. What was he doing today? When would we talk?
The floor vibrated with noise from the other room, and it felt like someone was jumping.
I stood up and ran my hand over my hair. Picking up the blanket, I folded it and left it on the edge of the bed.
I couldn’t stay at Fiona’s forever, hiding from Stone. And he couldn’t ignore me forever. He had to speak to me sooner or later because I needed answers. And I felt lost without him.
Someone yelled, drawing my attention to the noise in the living room. I poked my head out to see what was happening. I also needed to thank Fiona for letting me stay, then I planned to head upstairs to get ready. Geraldine would be expecting me. A flutter of hope came at the thought of her. Would she explain this to me? Or would she feel like it was Stone’s story to tell?
I opened the door and followed the sound around the corner. In the living area, I found a blonde who was built exactly like Fiona. Her hair was in a ponytail on top of her head. She was wearing a sports bra and tiny spandex shorts as she danced in front of what appeared to be a video game on the large-screen television.
“Turn it down! I swear to God, I am going to throw that shit out!” Fiona’s furious voice could be heard loud and clear over the music.
The blonde didn’t even acknowledge her. She kept on dancing. Apparently, I had slept through her dance-off for some time because she was sweating and her cheeks were flushed. She glanced over at me, smiled, and returned to playing the game.
“Why can’t you run like normal people?” Fiona continued shouting as she walked into the room scowling. She looked past the dancing female at me. “Sorry about this.” She waved her hand at the blonde. “She’s a fucking fruitcake!”
I walked closer to Fiona so I could thank her and leave, but as I reached her, the blonde cut off the game.
“Done! Now stop bitching. That’s more fun than running. Running is boring as hell,” the woman said, then wiped her sweaty forehead with a towel.
“Running doesn’t wake up the fucking building at six in the morning,” Fiona shot back.
She shrugged. “I have no time the rest of the day.” She reminded me of Barbie. When she turned her attention to me, she smiled. “It’s nice to meet you, Beulah. I’m Chantel. Sorry if I woke you.”
“You woke up Satan himself with that crap. Of course, you woke her,” Fiona grumbled. She turned and gave me an apologetic smile. “Would you like coffee?”
“No, I need to get ready for work. But thank you for last night and for letting me stay here. I really appreciate it.”
Fiona reached into her back pocket, pulled out a letter, and handed it to me. “Stone dropped this off.”
I looked at the envelope, and my hand trembled as I took it. He wasn’t upstairs. He’d left me a note. I felt sick again, and I wanted to run from the letter. I didn’t want to open it, terrified of what it said. Nothing good could come of this. I knew if I went back to the bedroom and curled up on the floor, it wouldn’t make the letter cease to exist.
“When did he leave it with you?” I asked, my voice sounded shaky.
“Early, about five.”
I nodded and stood there staring at the envelope. I had to open it but doing that in front of two people I hardly knew made me feel even more vulnerable. Then again, opening it alone might be worse. I needed Stone here. I had learned to depend on him. Even though he was the one hurting me, I still wanted him to be there to help me deal with whatever the truth was.
“You can read it in the kitchen,” Fiona said softly.
“That bastard better not be ending shit in a letter. That’s fucking low. I don’t care who he is, that won’t stand.” Chantel sounded outraged.
I decided to open it and face whatever his message was with them here. If I had an audience maybe I wouldn’t fold up or shatter. I would hold it together for appearance’s sake. Before Stone, I had learned to be strong and trust myself. That girl was still inside me.
Sliding the letter out, I hoped they didn’t notice the way my hands were shaking. He had folded it three times. I took my time unfolding it because I knew I’d be forced to read his words once I had it open. Words that could destroy me. Words that I would never recover from. Words he should have said to me last night and not in a letter he left with Fiona this morning.
His handwriting was neat and small. I stared hard as it all blurred together, blinking several times until I could focus and read.
Beulah,
Spend the day with Heidi today. Geraldine has a friend visiting from Maine. She will be there for the next three days. You won’t be needed while Geraldine has company.
I will be in Manhattan. Not sure when I will return. The apartment is yours to use.
Stone
That was all he wrote. There was nothing more—no answers, no promises, and no, I love you. He wasn’t trying to keep me. Explain things to me. He wasn’t fighting like Jasper had fought when we ended. Stone was simply disappearing and, at the same time, leaving me behind.
I didn’t read his words again. Instead, I folded the letter back the way it had been, slid it into the envelope, and held it in my hand tightly. This was my answer. He was giving me space and time to move on. He didn’t want to make me leave, but he was paving the road for me to leave.
“Are you okay?” Fiona’s voice snapped my attention back to the here and now. I’d forgotten they were there.
I forced a tight smile. “I’m not sure I ever will be,” I replied honestly.
“Did that piece of shit break up with you in a letter?” Chantel sounded furious.
My lips started to quiver, but I pressed them together to stop that immediately. “No.”
“Do you need to stay here?” Fiona asked.
“No, but thank you. I have to figure out what my next steps are. He’s giving me time to do that.”
“He did break up with you!” Chantel was beyond angry.
Breaking up with me would have been easier than this. At least there would have been interaction. There would have been tears. Maybe there would have been yelling. But this? This letter held no emotion. It was a cold, empty…the end.
Heidi’s smile was the first bit of warmth I’d felt since Jasper had shown up at Stone’s. My chest wasn’t as hollow with her beside me. She had been chatting happily about the baby blankets she was learning to crochet and how they would make them and send them to the “babies that were cold.” A nurse who had been working in the activities room at the time told me about a homeless shelter for abused pregnant women. The blankets were for the women and their small children who lived at the shelter.
Another reason I loved this place is that they not only took care of Heidi but also gave her important things to do. She loved crochet, and doing something helpful meant so much to her.
“I’m so proud of my new washcloths.” She’d given me four since my arrival—all her favorites that she’d saved for me.
“Keep them safe. I won’t be making more until after Christmas. I need to make these babies blankets.” She was suddenly very serious, and my heart squeezed.
“The blankets are incredibly important and needed. I know those mothers are very thankful for the blankets you make,” I assured her.
She nodded her head empathically. “Those babies don’t have a home. Their mommas need things. I wish I could make them clothes.” She looked so sad suddenly. She had no idea she’d been an unwanted baby once upon a time. Portia had wanted for nothing and gave her baby away not checking to see if she needed anything. She had just forgotten about her. Feeling hatred for Portia would have overcome me if I hadn’t known Heidi had been loved fiercely by the mother she had been given to.
“May takes too long of naps,” Heidi grumbled, suddenly changing the subject.
“May was sick last week. She needs the extra rest,” I reminded her.
Heidi shrugged, and then her smile returned quickly. “When you come tomorrow, are you bringing cookies?”
I surprised her today and told her I would be back tomorrow. She spent five minutes jumping up and down, clapping her hands. Watching her do that helped ease my despair. She reminded me that I couldn’t fall apart. Heidi was always my source of joy. She would never fully understand that. More than once, she had saved me from my sorrow. Losing our mother had been the hardest point in my life, but having Heidi helped me make it through each day after.
Facing life without Stone was a different kind of pain but just as powerful. Heidi would save me again, as evidenced by our time together today. I leaned over and pulled her into my arms tightly to hug her. It was the only way I could express how much I loved her. She squeezed me back enthusiastically.
“I love you.” I fought back the tears in my eyes.
“I love you most.” She pulled back and beamed her bright smile at me. Enjoying the fact she’d got to say it this time.
“Remember when Momma made us the pancakes with the candy?” she asked.
Momma would make us pancakes with sprinkles for special occasions. I enjoyed the happiness that memories of Mom brought to her face. “And she would put whipped cream on top if we had been extra good,” I added.
Heidi’s eyes widened as if she had forgotten. I wondered how much she had forgotten. I needed to talk about Momma with her more. The little things like pancakes with sprinkles and whipped cream. The moments Momma would want her to remember.
“Yes,” she said in awe. “And one time we had choc-co-late.” She had a hard time with the last word.
“Yes, chocolate syrup. We had both made all A’s on our report cards. It was a very good day.”
“I want candy pancakes with choc-co-late and whipped cream.” Heidi looked wistful.
I wanted them, too, from Momma’s kitchen while she stood there singing at the stove. It was a wonderful scene to remember, but we would have to settle for the memory.
“I will see what I can do.” I’d make us pancakes exactly how we had them.
“Make some for May too. She’s never had them. I told her ‘bout them.”
I always made enough for May, but Heidi needed to remind me. She never wanted May left out. I didn’t have a friend like that. Knowing Heidi had such a dear friend made it easier to leave her here. When we turned eighteen, Momma told me that Heidi would need her own life one day, and I would need mine. She stressed to me that I couldn’t look after her forever. She wanted me to chase my dreams.
I didn’t know what those dreams were. Dreaming of a different life seemed so foreign now. I wish she was here to talk to or hold me.
“Let’s swing!” Heidi said, jumping up from our seat at the craft table.
“Let’s.” I stood to follow her outside to the large yard, which was set up for outdoor activities.
On our way to the door, May walked into the craft room, and Heidi ran to hug her as if she hadn’t seen her in weeks instead of a few hours. May smiled shyly at me, and they held hands as we continued outside. This world was easy and safe. Heidi and May were happy here and didn’t experience anything ugly from the outside world. That reassurance helped me sleep at night.
We were almost to the swings when I noticed Jasper waiting by the tree nearby. The facility had security, where you checked in with an ID and a code. Jasper joined me on a previous visit. I had cleared his name through the office for visiting Heidi, but I didn’t think to change that until now.
He didn’t belong here. He could have found me somewhere else if he had wanted to talk to me. Not here in front of my sister.
“There’s your friend!” May said, pointing at him.
“That’s her boyfriend.” Heidi giggled as they both watched Jasper.
I hadn’t explained or brought up Jasper since I left Portia’s home. It wasn’t something Heidi would understand.
“You two head to the swings. I will be right there.” They whispered and giggled more as they ran to the swings. In their minds, I wanted to be alone with my boyfriend.
The long strides I took walking toward him were purposeful. My expression was fierce. He needed to understand this wasn’t acceptable. I didn’t need this right now. He’d done enough. Why wasn’t he in Manhattan, where he was supposed to be?
“I’m not here to see or upset Heidi,” were the first words out of his mouth when I reached him.
“Why are you here?” I asked even though I just wanted him to leave.
He shifted on his feet. “I was worried about you and needed to make sure you were okay. I know what you’re going through is all my fault.”
He sounded sincere, but I didn’t care. “My personal issues are not things I plan to discuss here. Heidi is right over there swinging, and this is my time with her. You don’t belong here.”
He sighed and put his hands in his front jean pockets. “I’m sorry. I just needed to see you…Make sure you were okay. I can’t go back to Stone’s, and I know you’re still staying there. After what I showed you last night, I thought you would leave, but he must have been convincing.” The tone in his voice was almost acidic. That didn’t sit well with me.
“Please leave,” I said. “I need to get back to Heidi.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t tell you to hurt you. But I know Stone. I know his darkness and what he’s capable of…What he will eventually do to you. I was worried about you.”
Maybe his sudden appearance and words were honest. There could be more I didn’t know about Stone, but that didn’t matter now. Stone left me.
“Goodbye, Jasper.” I turned to walk away.
“I’m always there if you need me,” he said. I didn’t turn around. There was a small part of me that felt something for Jasper. It wasn’t love, but we had a connection once. I had believed in a fairytale back then. Jasper had been someone else to me—he had been a hero. I never saw his flaws. I’d been too blinded by his shine to see the tarnish. I had to remember that we all tarnished eventually—Stone included.
Heidi was clapping happily when I rejoined them. “May did a cartwheel.” Her elation was welcome and blinding. “She’s been trying for weeks. Practice, practice, Ms. Tracey had said. It worked.” The pure joy for her friend’s accomplishment reminded me that there was a perfect untarnished soul after all—Heidi’s.
Later that evening, after spending all day with Heidi, I walked into Stone’s empty apartment. I was torn about what to do. Stay or go? There was a slim chance the studio apartment I had found was still available. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to call and check. Stone wasn’t here and hadn’t given me any reason to think he wanted me to be here when he got back. I thought about staying until he returned to face him. I wondered if he would talk to me and maybe even fight for us after he had time to think.
The other option would be that I pack up and move to prevent my heart from breaking further. If Geraldine wanted me to continue working for her, I would. Geraldine would be a constant reminder of Stone, and that would be painful. But over time, I should heal enough to survive him.
There was a good chance Geraldine would want me to leave. She adored Stone. If she had to choose between us, she would choose him, and I expected that. I wanted her to—she was his family.
I switched on the light and let the loneliness of the empty apartment sink into me. My happiest moments had happened here. Our laughter had echoed through the halls, and so had my cries of pleasure. Stone was everything I could have ever wanted in a man. It was painful to think that as quickly as I found love, it had ended. My relationships were cursed. Having my heart broken would never happen again because I’d never get close to another man.
I hadn’t eaten anything but half of a turkey sandwich for lunch. Going into Stone’s kitchen seemed wrong now. I didn’t feel welcomed, much less that I could eat his food. My appetite had left when Stone shut me out.
I walked down the hall and into the room he’d given me to use. To get my mind off things, I went about my evening routine of undressing, bathing, and then going to bed. I lay there staring at the ceiling, making plans for the next day. After visiting Heidi tomorrow, I decided to it was best that I go to the apartments I had found and see if they still had an availability. Living in Stone’s apartment without him here would be too painful. The ache in my chest grew unbearable as the silence surrounded me.
When I finally closed my eyes, the doorbell rang through the apartment, causing me to almost fall out of bed from the unexpected sound. Untangling myself from the covers, I finally got my feet on the floor and went to see who was at the door. I had gone to bed early, but it still seemed too late for visitors. I couldn’t care less that I was wearing my pink threadbare pajamas. I doubted I would open the door anyway.
The peephole was taller than me, and I had to stand on my toes to see who was there.
Shay stood outside with a box in one hand and a bag in the other. There was someone behind her, but I couldn’t see who. Stepping back, I unbolted the door and opened it.
“I was about to start beating on the door. What took you so long?” She said as she brushed past me and walked inside.
“Are you good with this?” Chantel watched Shay sashay in but stayed at the door. The worried frown on her forehead didn’t cause a wrinkle. Either she had amazing skin, or she had already started Botox injections.
“Doesn’t matter if she is or isn’t. I’m not leaving. I have donuts, some fancy ass macarons, and a bag full of tiny sandwiches that rich bitches eat with their tea. We’re eating all this shit, drinking Stone’s whiskey, and talking about the bastards in this world.”
I turned back to Shay, and she held up the items in her hand. “Might as well accept this. It’s happening,” she told me.
I still wasn’t hungry, but this was a good distraction. I wouldn’t be alone, and the apartment wouldn’t echo of silence.
“Come on in,” I said to Chantel as I stepped back so she could enter.
“Chantel won’t eat the food. Does Stone have carrots and water?” Shay’s tone was sarcastic, so I didn’t respond. Instead, I caught Chantel rolling her eyes.
“I’ll take some vodka if he has that.”
“And her skinny ass will be drunk after one shot,” Shay added. “Now, when is the dumb bastard coming back?”
I didn’t have to ask who the dumb bastard was. However, I didn’t like the title bastard attached to Stone’s name. I didn’t correct her because I realized it was just how Shay spoke.
“He didn’t say. But I’m not staying around to find out.” There, I told someone. My leaving was real now and not just in my thoughts.
“Damn,” Chantel said.
Shay dropped the bag in her hand and then opened the box to pull out a donut. She held it in front of my mouth. “Open,” she commanded. For fear she’d shove it on my face if I didn’t, I opened my mouth, and she inserted it. “Now eat.”
She walked toward the living area after picking up the bag of sandwiches. “Chantel, get the alcohol,” Shay called out.
“What do you drink?” Chantel asked me.
I shook my head and took the donut out of my mouth. “I don’t want to drink.”
“I don’t care! You are drinking,” Shay replied loudly.
Chantel shrugged. “You might as well pick your poison, or she will.”
I honestly didn’t know what I wanted to drink. I wasn’t hungry. The donut in my hand didn’t interest me.
“I don’t know.” My reluctance to drink was making this harder than it had to be.
Chantel gave me a brief nod. “I’ll pick it. Sit and eat.”
I watched as she perused Stone’s bar. I couldn’t help but worry about them using his things, but they seemed at home here. Letting them inside might have been a mistake. Stone didn’t want me here, much less other people. I didn’t think it was possible to get Shay to leave, though. She was determined. The best thing I could do was drink and eat, fulfilling her request quickly so she’d leave.
Taking a bite of the donut, I followed Shay into the other room.