Chapter Nineteen
Rory
I bring Shai up to my room as soon as we arrive at the house. I’ll need to have a conversation with Tiernan, and it’s not likely to go well, but I don’t regret what I did. He has Dean, and Cil has Ollie. Can’t I at least have a toy to play with for a while?
“Do you want to smoke a bowl?” I ask, sitting on my bed, my forest-green bedding messy. My bong rests on the nightstand, and my backpack, with both Shai’s and my guns in it, is on the floor.
He points to the little silver platter by the lamp. “How often do you do this?”
“You want coke? I can get you a bump.”
“Nah, not my thing.” He collapses to the bed. “My dad is a cokehead. He’s always sniffing that shit up his nose.”
“The child-rapist dad?”
He shrugs. “Only one I have.”
Is he telling me this for a reason? Saying he doesn’t like coke?
Does that mean I’m supposed to like, stop?
Make sure I don’t do it around him? Would I stop if he wanted me to?
I mean, it’d be temporary, just until he fucks away his debt.
We’re already at twelve hundred dollars of the four thousand.
“Hey,” he says, interrupting my thoughts. “Your leg is bouncing like crazy.” Shai reaches over and puts his hand on it. “You were lost there for a minute.”
“My brain. It does that. Kinda runs away from me sometimes.”
“Why was it just now?” Shai asks.
Here’s the thing: I’ve always been the type to say whatever’s on my mind.
I’m not locked down tight like Tiernan, but I’m also not like Cil, who is so much better at understanding this emotional shit, so I’m stuck between wanting to spit it out because it’s not a big fucking deal and holding it in because in reality, I don’t know what motivated that thought.
I settle on, “I was trying to figure out what you meant.”
“About the coke? Nothing. It was just a question. I don’t do it, but I don’t have a problem with people who do. I don’t want you to give it to my mom, and I’ll probably not want to be around you if you’re high all the time. That’s not your issue, though.”
But it is my issue if I want to fuck him like crazy for however long we have. “I don’t do it a lot. Even less since Bunny. He doesn’t like it.”
Shai rolls onto his side. He’s a bit of a mess, his hair even wilder than usual.
“You know if you ever get serious about someone, this whole situation you have with Cillian and Ollie might be a problem, right? It’s not the way most relationships work.”
“If they can’t understand it, they’re not the one for me, just like Ollie wouldn’t have been the one for Cillian if he didn’t understand it.
” I pluck my box of weed from the drawer and decide to roll a joint instead of getting up to add water to the bong.
I lean against the headboard, Shai lying on his back now beside me, looking at the ceiling.
“I think it’s cool.”
I frown. Does he jump around subjects too? “What’s cool?”
“The thing with the three of you. And not just the sex, though the thought of that is hot, but like…the connection. I’m not a fan of Cillian, but I can see how much he loves you, how much Ollie does too. Most people don’t have that.”
He doesn’t. It doesn’t take a genius to see that. He deserves to have his own Cillian and Ollie, his own Ash, and Tiernan, and Dean.
“You understand us.”
“I see you,” he replies, those words making me feel…something. I can’t put my finger on what it is.
“You’re not like most people, pet.” I lick the end of the paper and finish rolling it.
“And you are?”
I laugh. “Fuck no, but it’s not often I meet someone who is like us…or me.”
I’m about to light the end of the joint when my cell buzzes.
Cillian: T’s back from Boston.
Fuck. Here we go.
Me: I’ll be right down.
“Here, you can have this.” I hand the weed to Shai. “I have to go talk to Tiernan. Don’t leave the room. Don’t get into my shit. You can play video games if you want, or shower. I’ll be back.”
He doesn’t respond, just eyes me in that intense way of his, until I get to the door. “Cherry?”
“What?”
“Don’t fuck this up, what you have here with your family, for me.”
My pulse does this weird thing, speeds up while also strangely stumbling.
“I could never fuck up what I have with them. That’s not how we work.
But thank you for caring.” He shouldn’t.
He’s not supposed to. He doesn’t know me well enough for that, and hell, knowing me should make him care about me even less, but not Shai, I see.
“You deserve this too,” I say, then leave the room, closing the door behind me.
When I get downstairs, Ollie and Cillian are on the couch, Tiernan in his chair.
“Where’s Dean?”
“We dropped him off at school. He had a test he can’t miss.”
Murder by night, back for a test the next day. Only Dean or Tiernan would care enough to do that. Cillian only went to make Ollie happy.
Before I can sit down, Tiernan says, “Let’s go talk, Rory.”
“Yes, Daddy.”
Tiernan’s already walking away.
“You want me to come help talk to him?” Cil asks, and he would—he would argue for me, even though he doesn’t like Shai, because it’s for me—but I shake my head.
“I’m good.”
In Tiernan’s office, I take the chair across from him.
“Why is there a stranger in our house, Rory?”
“There are strangers in our house every time we have a party,” I counter.
He can’t argue with that, so he says, “You know what I mean.”
“I want him,” I answer simply. That’s what it boils down to. I want to fuck him and keep him until I’m done with him.
“How do you want him?”
“I’m not sure. I just do. He’s fun, and I like the way he fucks.” There’s more to it than that. I’ve felt a weird connection to him from the start, felt like he gets me in ways most people don’t, not even Cillian.
“You like how a lot of people fuck.”
Why is he doing this? “This is different.”
“How?”
“I don’t fucking know, T. Jesus.”
He sighs. “I’m not trying to be a dick.”
“We all know it comes naturally to you.” Otherwise, why would he need to tell us that so often?
He bites back a small smile but doesn’t continue, waiting for me to say something, to tell him more. I rub a hand over my face in frustration, reach into my pocket, but my spinner isn’t there.
“You said I could come to you, so I’m coming to you. I want to keep my pet. It’s not like the shit with you and Dean or Cil and Ollie. It’s not forever. I…like to be with him.”
His eyes narrow, studying, looking deep the way only Tiernan can. “It’s okay for it to be more. With him or someone else.”
I roll my eyes. “It’s not. Let’s be real. We’re talking about me.” I wouldn’t even know how to do that.
His brows draw together. “What do you mean? You’re the first person in this house who would jump in front of a bullet for any of us, the first one to sacrifice yourself, your time.
If one of us needs something, you’re always the first to offer yourself up, no matter what it is. Why could you not be the same for him?”
“I do that shit because I can’t fucking keep still and I like chaos.”
“You do that shit because you love us.”
Yes. Them. I do love them. I’ll always love them. They keep me human. Romance isn’t the same. “It’s not like that, T. What the fuck? You’re like, in touch with your emotions now and shit.”
“It’s your fault,” he counters. “And Cillian’s. First him with Ollie, and now you and…whatever this is. Believe me, I’d love to go back to being a heartless asshole.”
Tiernan isn’t a heartless asshole. He never has been, and he never will be.
“I just want to play with him for a little while. We can trust him. I told you how he was raised. He’s not a nark, and he’s not the type who doesn’t get who we are and what we do.”
He massages his temples, then pinches the bridge of his nose.
“He’s your responsibility. He doesn’t know or see things he shouldn’t know or see.
If this goes wrong, it comes down on you, Ror.
” He’s not saying that because he wants to, but because he has to.
“And you know what happens if things go wrong?”
Of course I fucking know. “I’ll kill him myself if it comes to that.” The words taste more bitter than any I’ve ever spoken.
“Fine. Keep your pet, but he better stay on a motherfucking leash.”
I grin. “Leashes sound fun. We’re already going to try lingerie.”
His eyes bulge slightly, but then he shakes his head, smiling. “You keep things interesting for us, Rory. We need you. Don’t ever forget that.”
I nod, an unfamiliar lump in my throat, but try to play it off. “Am I free to go, Daddy?”
“Shut the fuck up and get out of here.”
“Thank God. The asshole is back.” I wink at him, light and happy and…excited.
When I get out into the hallway, Cillian is there, hands in his pockets, waiting. “Everything good?” he asks.
“Yeah. T wants him leashed but he can stay for now.”
“If he hurts you…”
“He won’t, Cil.” I shrug. “He gets me.”
He frowns. “Gets you how?”
“He just does.”
“Is he going to change things?”
“No,” I say, adamantly. “Never. It’s just fun, and even if it wasn’t, no one changes things. Just like Ollie didn’t change things.”
“He’s convinced you’ll fall in love with Shai.”
My sweet bunny. Of course he is. “I won’t.”
“I don’t like him, I don’t trust him, but I want you to have that…to be happy.”
“It’s not that,” I argue. I would know if it was that. One has to fucking understand that to feel it.
“Okay,” he says, but his tone feels off. “I’m not asking this to be a dick, but I have Ollie to think about. If things change, talk to us.”
“Things won’t change.”
“My second concern, then…I know you always keep it wrapped, but you’re also not usually trying to move people in. Are you two being safe? I can’t risk Ollie that way.”
“He hasn’t fucked me bare, and I haven’t fucked him at all.
We had a talk, and while he’s my pet, he won’t touch anyone else.
He says he’s negative, he hasn’t been with anyone but me in Ashford, and we’ll go get tested together.
” Does it make sense to do that? We don’t have a lot of fucks left, but I understand Cillian’s concern.
While I’ve never fucked Ollie, he has blown me, and I’ve blown him. “I would never risk Ollie.”
“I know. Fuck. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He bends over, hands on his thighs. “Why is this fucking with me? Me and Ollie were talking about it last night. I don’t get it.”
With a sigh, I relax against the wall beside him.
Even though what’s happening with Shai and me isn’t the same, I say, “Do you think it didn’t fuck with me when you and Ollie got together?
Because it did, more than I showed you. It’s always been us—me, you, T, and Ash—for so long, but even deeper than that, there’s been me and you. There’s no way to untangle us, Cil.”
We just are.
Not in love.
Not romantic.
But we are.
“Yeah, fuck. I know. I just didn’t expect it to hit me like this. Maybe if something about him didn’t piss me the fuck off…” He stands up straight again, chuckling.
“Oh, you mean the fact that first, he made friends with your boy, and now he’s fucking me? It makes sense. You think he’s taking what’s yours, but he’s not.”
He nudges me with his arm. “When did you get so smart?”
“It’s Ollie’s tutoring,” I tease, and we both laugh.
“Come on. Let’s go. I need Ollie.”
I nod, wondering if I’ll ever know what it’s like to need someone that way…or for someone else to need me that way.