Chapter Thirty-Three
Rory
Shai is quiet in the passenger seat as a million thoughts run through my head.
How the fuck do I fix this for him? Because I have to.
I know Shai. He can’t live without his mom.
He’ll blame himself. He already does, though none of this is his fault.
He blames himself because he was with me, and I’m never ever going to let him feel guilty about being where he belongs.
He’s shifting around in the seat—anxious? Scared? Angry at me? Regretting me? All these questions and more twist and turn in my head, making it hard to concentrate on any of them.
I’m going to kill Jagger.
Will I lose Shai?
What if I can’t save Kat?
Will I lose Shai?
If Shai saw what I wanted to do with Jagger, will that finally be what makes him walk away? Because I wouldn’t blame him if he did. He would be better off, but I could never let him go. I’m not that good of a man.
“I don’t know how many people he has with him,” Shai says as I try to fight my fingers from drumming against the steering wheel, try to stop the twitch in my leg and my rapidly spinning thoughts to focus on him.
“I’ll take care of it.”
“How can you take care of it if you don’t know what you’re walking into?”
“Because losing your mom isn’t an option for you, and you being hurt isn’t an option for me, so I’ll fucking fix it. I don’t care what I have to do.”
Now his leg’s bouncing up and down like mine. “What if you get hurt?”
“I won’t.”
“You can’t promise that,” Shai argues.
“Then I get hurt. I promise I’ll make sure you and Kat are okay.
” It’s strange when I get like this. It’s like I can’t really feel anything but my love for him.
I’ve always been like this with the crew—even when everything else shuts off inside me, that love is always there—but now it’s there for Shai too…
and it’s more, bigger, that thing Tiernan feels for Dean and Cillian for Ollie.
His silence tells me I said something wrong, though I can’t figure out what. I love him. I’ll protect him. That’s what you do when someone is yours.
“You’re not sacrificing yourself for us.”
“I don’t plan to die. I don’t want to die. Then I would have to haunt you.”
“This isn’t funny, baby.” His voice is so soft…scared. Why is he afraid of me?
“What did I do?” I ask. “I’m going to fix this.”
“It’s not your job, and you didn’t do anything.”
“You’re scared of me.” I feel it. I sense it.
The long pause tells me I’m right, that somehow I’ve gotten it all wrong again and that shit in my head is too fucked up for anyone to understand.
“I’m not afraid of you. I could never be afraid of you. I’m afraid for you. Can’t you see that you getting hurt isn’t an option for me either? That as much as I want to save her, I can’t do that if it means losing you?”
No, I can’t see that. Not really. “I’ll be fine.”
“I’m not willing to risk you,” he says, a finality to his voice he didn’t have a moment ago. “This could be a trap. We don’t know what we’re walking into. We can’t do this alone. I would die if you got hurt, Cherry. Can’t you see that?”
I don’t answer, just shake my head. He doesn’t understand. I have to do this for him, have to take care of Shai the way no one else has, have to put him first because he’s spent his whole life being last.
“You’re mine to take care of,” I say.
“You’re mine to take care of too,” he answers. “You come first, and this…we can’t do this alone,” he says again, but I’m stuck in the first part of what he said.
You come first. Just like he comes first for me.
“Go home, baby. We need to go home.”
“You don’t understand.”
“I do,” he says softly. “I know they might not be willing to help. I know I’m not family to them the same way I am to you.”
“You’re my fucking family, which makes you theirs,” I argue. And he’s Ollie’s friend—the others’ as well, but the two of them have a special bond—and he’s Cil’s friend too, even if my best friend hasn’t let himself see it yet.
“Then if we’re all a family, we do this together.”
“You’re mine to protect,” I snap.
“Doing this, we’re protecting each other.
” He places his hand on my leg, and somehow, the simple touch slows the rapid pace of my heart, settles the blood rushing through my ears, quiets the questions echoing in my head.
As much as I want to do this, as much as I want to be the one to save Kat for Shai, as much as the bloodlust for Jagger’s death is now a constant thrum beneath my skin…
I know he’s right. I put him more at risk if it’s just us, and I’ll hurt him if I die…
because he loves me. I can’t live with myself if I hurt him.
My every instinct is on high alert, every part of me telling me to go, defend, protect, kill, but I want to be good for him, for us. I want to do the right thing.
“Okay,” I say softly. “Let’s go home.”
Shai’s hand doesn’t leave my thigh as we’re driving. He’s scared for his mom but unwavering in trying to comfort me. I thread our fingers together; give him the same reassurance he’s giving me.
It feels like there’s a ticking time bomb in the car with us, Shai’s other hand gripping his phone. Every few seconds his eyes are drawn to it as I hurry us back to the house. The moment we’re inside, Cillian takes one look at us and shoves to his feet. “What’s wrong?”
“My mom…” Shai’s voice breaks.
Tiernan and Dean’s attention snaps to us, and Ollie’s already walking toward Shai. Aislin is here as well, but luckily Zuri isn’t with her, so I can speak freely.
“His father has her,” I answer for him. “We don’t know where.
He’s supposed to let us know soon, and then he wants to take Shai with him.
That’s not happening. I’m sure he’s in planning mode.
He must not know who I am, but there’s no doubt he can tell something is up by the way I responded when he threatened Shai. ”
“Does your mom know about us?” Tiernan asks.
“Not that I know of,” Shai says. “I didn’t tell her anything.
It wouldn’t be hard for her to have figured out, though.
” Ollie stands beside him now, arm threaded through Shai’s, offering him comfort.
The buzz beneath my skin is too strong, and I hate that I don’t know if I can do that right now for him.
“I’m killing the motherfucker,” I say. “The only reason I’m here is because Shai stopped me from going on my own.
I know you have a lot of shit on your plate, T.
I know you take responsibility for all of us and weigh pros and cons and all that shit, but I’m relieving you of your responsibility to me.
I’m going whether you think it’s a good idea or not, whether I go alone or not, and if I die, then that’s on me. You have no burden to bear.”
“No,” Shai says. “Fuck that, you’re not—”
“I’m going with him,” Cillian cuts him off, startling me. Cillian’s fucking loyal to Tiernan. It takes a lot for him to question his cousin. The fact that he would go against Tiernan’s wishes, if that’s what T decides… “Cil…”
“Shut the fuck up, Rory. I’m going and you know it.” And then Cillian turns his intense gaze on Shai, watches him as Shai stands there, arm threaded with Ollie’s. “Shai is ours. We’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again—we protect what’s ours.”
Yes, we do.
“Am I that big of an asshole that you’d think I would deny you this?” Tiernan asks.
“No,” I answer. “It wouldn’t be because you’re an asshole; it would be because you love us.” This isn’t like walking into a fight we’ve scoped out for weeks or months. This is going in blind, which is always dangerous.
Tiernan rolls his eyes, but there’s a small smile on his lips. “You didn’t have to say the words.” But they’re true. We all know they are. “We’ll do this. As a family. The way it’s supposed to be.” And that easily, Tiernan’s word is law.
“I’ll help any way I can,” Ash says.
Dean focuses on my guy. “Tell us everything we need to know about your father.”