Chapter 20 Ashton
ASHTON
When you finally realize each day that passes isn’t one more day,
but actually one day less,
you’ll never look at life the same way you did before.
—Ashton’s Secret Thoughts.
“Ashton . . .” Jamie follows me into the kitchen, my stomach threatening to violently revolt because, according to Kenzie, who insisted I call her Kenzie, anywhere between 15 to 20 percent of all the pregnant women in the world experience morning sickness throughout their second trimester too.
And lucky me, it looks like I’m falling right smack dab in the middle of that little statistic. Yay me. “Stop.”
The hum of Finn’s Audi pulling into the driveway outside doesn’t do anything to lessen the nausea, not after seeing the look in his eye at the hospital.
Or the way he refused to speak to us, keys in hand, as we all walked to the parking garage.
Finn’s not a quiet guy, but he’s never going to cause a scene at the hospital.
Not for himself and not for me. Here—at home—this isn’t going to be good.
I throw open the refrigerator and pull out a bottle of ginger ale. There’s no way the quick ride home calmed the brewing storm. “I don’t want to stop, Jamie. He’s about to walk in here. I want to fix this for him, and I don’t know how.”
Just as those words sink in, Dillan appears in the kitchen, carrying Kyrie.
“How was the—” She looks between Jamie and me and scrunches her nose. “Oh shit. What happened?”
Kyrie reaches for me, and I take her from Dillan and run my hand over the fine blonde hair covering her sweet-smelling head. “Hey, sweet girl.”
“Is the baby okay?” Dillan asks, looking suddenly concerned.
Jamie drops a kiss on the top of Kyrie’s head. “Everything is fine. The baby is fine. Ashton is fine.”
“Ashton is not fine,” I snap and scowl, knowing I was just reduced to talking about myself in the third person. “Finn isn’t fine. And neither are you, Jameson. None of this is fine, no matter how you spin it.”
“Oh shit,” Dillan whispers and grabs her purse from the counter just as Finn walks in through the garage door. “And that would be my cue to leave. We’ll talk tomorrow, Ash.”
Thank you, I mouth to her as she heads for the front door, and I spin around to watch Jamie and Finn square off against each other. They both stand, feet shoulder-width apart and arms crossed over their chests. Two brothers, both looking like they’re ready to fight each other.
This is ridiculous.
“This is my fault,” I murmur and shift Kyrie to my hip, then try to open the bottle of ginger ale with one hand.
“I doubt that,” Finn levels my way, his voice cold and angry, not at all the way he usually speaks to me as he takes the bottle from my hand, opens it, and hands it back. “This has got him written all over it, Ash.”
“Really, Finn—” I groan as my stomach churns, and I chug the soda. Bad move. Really bad move. I drop down onto a kitchen chair and snuggle Kyrie, hoping like hell this will pass.
“Ashton . . .” Jamie cups my cheek, recognition flaring in his eyes. This man knows what it looks like when I’m going to be sick. “You okay?”
“Like you care.” Finn rips Jamie away from me, stepping between us, like I need protecting from him. And oh shit, Jamie looks feral right now, like he might actually hurt Finn.
“You really don’t want to do that again, brother,” Jamie warns, his voice not at all hiding the threat behind those words.
This is so bad.
Finn’s face is a mix of disgust and disappointment, and both break my heart.
“Are you kidding me?” I level at the two of them, a little less scream-worthy and a little more oh my God, I’m going to be sick than I’d like it to sound as I stand, sliding between the grown men acting like little boys.
“Why don’t you go ahead and see who can pee a ring around me first, while you’re at it, guys? ”
“Ace . . .”
“Nope. Not gonna do it, Jameson,” I warn before he gets any crazy ideas. This is as much my mess as it is his. “I will absolutely not stand by and let the two of you fight over me.”
Jamie’s eyes soften, but Finn’s—
“How about one of you tell me what the hell is going on? Why were you at the hospital together? Why—”
Somewhere in the distance, my phone rings, but I ignore it, too busy trying to figure out how to stop these two idiots from beating the hell out of each other.
“Aren’t you supposed to be the smart one?” Jamie taunts.
“Compared to the one who can’t keep his dick in his pants? Yeah, I’d guess that makes me the smart one, asshole. And I’ve got a good goddamn idea of the answer, but I guess I thought my answer couldn’t possibly be right because if my brother and my best friend were fucking, I’d know, right?”
Jamie grabs Finn by the front of the shirt and throws him up against the wall, and my heart drops as I squeeze Kyrie closer. “I will fucking kill you if you ever talk about her like that again.”
The ringing starts again, and I swear to God I might just throw the damn phone at these two idiots at this rate.
“Stop it,” I manage to actually yell this time, moving closer but unwilling to put myself between them.
Not with Kyrie in my arms. Right now, they’re being stupid.
I can forgive stupid. But if either of them accidentally hurts my baby, I will fucking gut them both myself.
And Kyrie is as much my baby as the avocado-sized one I’m carrying.
“You could have had anyone . . . anyone. Why her?” Finn pushes, his cold stare frightening. “Anyone but her.”
“Are you in love with her?” Jamie fumes at his brother, their faces close enough, I’m surprised one hasn’t headbutted the other. “I asked you once. I’m not asking again, you stupid fuck.”
“Of course I love her,” Finn yells.
And that’s the thing. He does love me, and I love him, but we’ve never been in love. We’ve never looked at each other that way. Never.
I know to take his words for what they are.
What they mean.
But Jamie doesn’t.
To Finn, I’m family. I know because I feel the same way.
He’s my family. The only family I have. Finn is safety and inside jokes.
He’s my past. He’s my best friend. He’s a million memories and hopefully a million more to be made.
But Finn has never given me butterflies.
I’ve never looked at Finn and had a hard time catching my breath because I wanted him more than I wanted to breathe.
His touch has never given me goosebumps, and his words have never made me fantasize about a future with him. About a family. Our family.
Finn will never mean to me what Jamie does.
I love Finn.
But I’m in love with Jamie.
Maybe not the best time to come to that realization.
Jamie’s wild eyes rage, too out of control to hear the words his brother is clearly saying.
His face falls, and I know he’s thinking he just heard a declaration of love.
Romantic love. But he’s wrong. And as Finn finally shoves him off, I relax, positive my best friend is about to put his brother out of his misery.
“I’ve loved her since we were kids, you ass.
But I’m not in love with her. I’ve never been in love with her.
That was always you. You were just too stupid to do anything about it. ”
“Then what—” Jamie steps back, and so do I. Jamie’s not in love with me . . . is he? Am I really that blind? He doesn’t correct Finn, and my heart absolutely takes notice. But Jamie doesn’t soften at all. If anything, his anger seems to grow. “What the hell is your problem?”
“What the fuck, brother? How many times am I supposed to watch you hurt her?” Finn shakes his head, fury rolling off him in furious waves, and I have to fight back angry tears.
He went there.
“I was there the last time you broke her heart.” He thumps his own chest. “I picked up the pieces. Who do you think held her while she cried? Because it wasn’t you, brother.
You weren’t there. Tell me you aren’t stupid enough to think she was only crying for Evan.
Tell me you know you broke her when you walked away like a little bitch.
There were days she didn’t eat. Days she wouldn’t stop crying—”
“Finn,” I snap, selfishly angry he’s telling stories that aren’t his to tell.
But he was there too. It happened to him too.
We were all dealing with the grief and the trauma, and on top of that, he was dealing with me.
He was there, holding me together. And when he levels his hurt eyes on me, my heart aches for the part I played in the pain reflecting back at me.
“Ashton . . . I won’t let you go there again. I can’t. You wouldn’t eat. You barely slept. There were nights I was worried you’d hurt yourself.”
I blink back tears and hand Kyrie to Jamie, stepping between him and Finn.
“Finnegan . . .” I want so badly to wrap my arms around his waist and hug him.
But I can’t, not yet. “I lost my brother, and yes, I lost Jamie too, but it was Evan. He was the reason . . . It was Evan’s death that broke me.
Losing Jamie hurt, but he was still out there, living and breathing and existing in the world.
It wasn’t the same kind of pain.” I blow out an exasperated breath, trying to hold in the sob that’s right there, threatening to break the dam holding back my tears. “I’m so sorry I did that to you.”
“Ash—”