CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Gizmo
Twenty Years Ago
I t feels like there’s a rock in the pit of my stomach.
No. More like those atomic sour candies that we all dare each other over to see how long we can keep them in our mouths before spitting them out. That’s what it feels like. A hundred of those burning a hole in my stomach.
I struggle to breathe. Why does my chest hurt so bad?
“Jase,” Nathaniel murmurs as he stands next to me and shakes his head. A warning for me to be quiet.
But I don’t look at my brother. I don’t respond. Our dad is standing in the middle of the room. His hands are on his hips, and he has a weird expression on his face like when the lawnmower broke, and he wasn’t sure if he should fix it or take it to the dump.
And the two of us are standing side by side, barely breathing as if the slightest movement will make him turn his attention toward us.
“It’s not that easy, Maggie,” he says to our mom. Her eyes are glassy and red from crying. “I have a new wife and a new family. I can’t just... take both of them.”
She says something I can’t hear. It’s a whisper that has Nathaniel jolting and me looking around to see what I missed.
“Per the court order, we each get one,” my dad says.
Mom’s eyes flicker over to us and then back to him almost as if she didn’t see us. She nods slowly, her voice unemotional and empty when she speaks. “It has said that for the last three years, and yet I’ve had both, so don’t give me any of that play by the rules shit now.”
“This is inconvenient at best,” he says so softly it’s barely audible. No doubt he didn’t want us to hear it.
He never wants us to hear it anymore. Not since he got his new wife and had his two new kids and a life Nathaniel and I wish we had.
“You’re not separating us,” I say, stomping my feet for emphasis and throwing Nathaniel’s warning that we’re supposed to be quiet out the window. “You can’t take me and leave him here. You don’t know...” how bad it gets here . The last five words scream in my head but never make a sound in the room.
I can’t say that in front of Mom.
I can’t let her know how bad she gets when she doesn’t even know it herself.
But he knows, doesn’t he? He lived here so how can he not know?
“I don’t know what?” Dad asks, squatting down and turning his attention on me for the first time since the initial stuttered hug and ruffle of my hair. “That you’re a handful? That you act out in school constantly? I get the calls from the office too, Jase. Believe me.”
“But you never take the call, do you?” I ask. “When’s the last time you picked me up?”
“I’m busy working to help provide all of this for you. I can’t just leave work at a moment’s notice because you can’t control yourself.”
“Control myself?” I ask through eyes blurring with tears. Nathaniel tugs on my arm, a silent plea for me to let it go.
“Yes. Do you think I can have you at my house when you act out like this? I don’t want you rubbing off on my kids.”
“We are your kids,” I say.
His Adam’s apple bobs. “You know what I mean.”
Yes . You mean you don’t want us as your kids anymore. “You don’t want us. It’s why you left,” I whisper. Begging. Pleading. Hating.
I hate that he left us so why do I still want him to pick me up from school?
His ice-blue eyes meet my gaze. I wish I understood what they were telling me. But before I can get a grasp on it, he looks at Nathaniel. “Grab your stuff. We need to get going.”
I don’t know who gasps louder—me or Nathaniel—but it’s the only sound in the room other than my heart pounding in my ears.
My brother doesn’t look at me as he bends over and loops his duffle bag through his hand.
And to think we both packed, thinking we would both be going to live with him.
“Nathaniel,” I whisper.
He still doesn’t look.
“Nate?”
Our dad steps in between us and brusquely takes the bag from Nathaniel before putting his hand on my brother’s back and pushing him toward the front door.
“See you in a few weeks, Jase,” my dad says without looking over his shoulder.
“Nate!” I shout.
My brother glances over his shoulder and meets my eyes.
Why aren’t you speaking up? Why aren’t you fighting for me? I’m your brother.
Why is Dad leaving me here? With my crazy mom?
Why isn’t Nate trying to get me to go with him?
“I get the calls from the office too, Jase. Believe me. I can’t just leave work at a moment’s notice because you can’t control yourself.”
I can control myself. I can.
“I’m sorry, Jasey.” My mom wraps her arm around my shoulder and pulls me against her.
I won’t cry.
I will not cry.
“I tried to help you. To get him to take you, not because I don’t love you, but because I do.” She presses a kiss to the side of my head and my body goes numb. “I’m not doing good. I try to but I can’t control it.”
I hate you.
The thought runs loops in my head, but I’m not sure who I’m talking to: My dad for choosing my brother over me. Nathaniel, the only person who knows what goes on in this house. Or the ugly disease that’s stealing, tormenting, and changing my mom’s mind slowly.
Day by day.
Minute by minute.
The person who I know loves me but who I’m now tasked with taking care of. Alone .
“It’s okay, Momma.” I wrap my arms around her waist and hold on. “I’m here. I’m not going to leave you.” My voice breaks. “I’ll always take care of you.”
She didn’t leave me.
She at least loves me.
But by the time the hug is over, by the time I walk to my small bedroom and shove my duffle bag that was full of hopes back under the bed, she’s already gone.
Maggie Gizmodo is sitting on the edge of the couch. She rocks as her fingers rub back and forth absently at the worn corner of the blanket she always keeps close.
Her mind has retreated to the safety of wherever it goes when she can’t handle the life all around her.
When it becomes sick.
And when I feel most alone.