Chapter 3 #3
It felt impossible to deny my feelings for him.
To pretend I wasn’t hurt. That I didn’t still care.
My emotions were at war within me, but I couldn’t give in to any of them.
Not if I didn’t want to completely fall to pieces.
I tried to burrow my feelings away, but it felt a little like trying to squeeze them into a box that was far too small.
The lid wouldn’t fit on properly, and the contents simply spilled out.
Somehow, I managed to calm myself enough, and when I opened my eyes, I had some hope my expression didn’t display the turmoil that raged inside. I looked down at his hand, which still lightly gripped my arm, and he quickly let go as though he suddenly regretted touching me.
“Look,” he stuttered. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
I let out a humorless laugh. “You pulled me into the bushes to apologize for breaking my heart?”
“You’re not the only one whose heart was broken last night.”
“I find that hard to believe. You chose to abandon our relationship the moment things got slightly difficult.”
“Slightly difficult?” Anger flashed in his eyes, briefly overwhelming the other emotions I’d seen swirling there. “Things between us are more than slightly difficult. And I had no choice.”
“Well, I seem to remember it differently. I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t do anything other than have the wrong family. And you were given a choice. I watched you decide, and you chose to cast me aside.”
I’d been hurt and confused by our breakup, and the pain still radiated deep in my chest, but right now, my anguish and desire for answers was quashed by my overwhelming sense of anger.
“Is this some kind of game you like to play? You reel girls in, make them fall for you, only to turn around and ditch them when you discover being with them might be more complicated than you anticipated?”
“I wasn’t playing any game.”
“You could have fooled me.” I was breathing quickly, and my heart was racing.
I hated this boy so much in this moment.
I hated him for making me fall for him. I hated him for making me believe things could be different.
But mostly, I hated him because, as he stared at me with those deep green eyes, I still wanted him.
It was so messed up.
“Look, just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean I don’t still have feelings for you,” Noah said. “That I’m not going to spend every second of this torturous year thinking about you.” His eyes dipped to look at my lips, and I forgot how to breathe.
The space between us suddenly felt smaller as though we had unconsciously stepped closer together.
We were too close now, and the air between us felt electric, like every breath I took was charged with furious desire.
How could you hate someone—despise them to the depths of your soul—and still want nothing more than to kiss them?
Noah seemed just as torn. He was scowling darkly at me, but there was a hunger in his gaze that struck me low in my stomach.
“If you want me that badly, then what’s stopping you?”
“You don’t understand.”
“Then talk to me,” I pleaded. “Explain it to me, please.”
I paused for a moment, pushing my anger and frustration down just beneath the surface.
Although it still bubbled there, I wanted to offer him a chance to give me the answers I needed.
The answers I deserved. But he wasn’t looking me in the eyes, and he had the same hopeless expression he’d worn last night right before he turned his back on me.
“I have explained, Isobel,” he whispered. “We just can’t be together. It’s impossible.”
My heart sank. I’d thought it was already at rock bottom, but apparently it could still plummet further. He wasn’t even going to try to help me understand? He was refusing, just like he’d refused to fight for us last night.
“Okay then, why don’t I explain it to you, Noah,” I started. “I thought you were different. But I can see now you’re just like the rest of the rich assholes that go to this school—the ones you despise so much because all they see when they look at you is your last name.
“I would never judge someone based on the actions of their family. And I would never abandon someone I cared about because someone else asked me to. I might not know the intricate details of what happened between our families, but I sure as hell know I’m not to blame.
And no matter what happened, it will never change the fact that you didn’t care enough about me to see beyond it. ”
“Isobel…” His voice implored me. It was filled with anguish. “If I could be with you, I would.”
“You can’t say that to me.”
“I know.”
“You made it very clear we don’t have a future, Noah.”
“I know.”
He was still standing so close, and he was looking at me like he wanted to be closer still. He couldn’t tell me we’d never be together and still look at me that way. It wasn’t fair. I needed to leave before I forgot the words coming out of his mouth didn’t match the raw emotion in his eyes.
“Maybe you’re right. There’s no way we can be together.
Not after this.” I shoved him back and quickly escaped the bushes before he could cloud my mind any further with his proximity.
A cool breeze seemed to drive his scent from my nostrils as I stepped onto the path, and I was able to think more clearly again.
Screw this garden party. Screw waiting around to see if Matthew might show up. And screw Noah Hastings. I started walking away from the cottage in the direction of the dormitories. I hadn’t been given the answers I was looking for, but I might have just taken a big step toward finding that closure.