7. Cas
Chapter seven
Cas
I guess it’s like they say: where there’s a will, there’s a way. And so far, Will has been getting his way—though if it’s more through sheer willpower or unmatched willingness, I’m still not sure. My initial impression of him isn’t unfounded. Will’s proven to be somewhat needy and eager, yet I also had him pegged for anxious and bashful. Now, I’m not so sure anymore. I’m starting to doubt. Not only my instincts about him, but all of this. And a large part of that is… I know who Will is.
When he sends over his photo initially, I don’t take the time to study it closely. Which is also why I make sure to save it so quickly, so I can go back and catalog every minute detail for any clues. The picture showcases quite a few distinct tattoos, enough to make his body unique. I intend to study his ink in the morning and see which can be identified.
Before I can even head to bed, it clicks—Will. I know someone named Will, also tattooed.
After opening my camera roll, I scrutinize the tattoos specifically. The largest one, on his chest, stands out right away: two anatomical hearts sewn together to make the heart shape we more easily recognize. I’ve never seen Will shirtless, so on to the next. Some text in different areas that I can’t make out entirely—not helpful. A 3D snake weaving in and out of the skin around his collarbone—a fairly generic piece and therefore equally unhelpful at this point. What looks like two writhing snakes coiling around each other to form a heart shape with their heads and tails runs the length of his forearm—interesting, but I likely won’t know for sure until I see him in person again. Also, I’m somewhat in denial still and desperately trying to convince myself that I’m wrong this time when I rarely am. Then, there it is, right at front and center—The Lovers. Two embracing skeletons framed within the tarot card tattooed on the back of his hand.
Extremely fucking distinct, and one I’ve seen up close. One I recognize.
At the very least, I’ll see him soon and I’ll be able to know for certain. In the meantime, I’ll keep telling myself maybe I’m wrong and there’s two guys milling around our small town with the exact same tattoo on their hand. Or maybe this Will is… Will, the guy I know.
Sunday morning comes, I’m at the farmer’s market and so is Will. No surprise there. Perverse as it may seem, part of me almost hopes they are the same guy. I have been interested in this Will for a long time. At the same time, any connection to me also means I absolutely need to back off immediately. And I don’t want that. At all.
I steal glances all day, and the more I look at him, the more I can believe it. The hand tattoo, that’s hard to ignore. Then the afternoon warms while the chilly morning air of late summer in New England recedes. Layers are essential during this time of year. Will’s preoccupied and I happen to look over at the right moment. He pushes up the sleeves of his black hoodie, exposing both forearms and—the entwined snakes. I can’t even pretend they’re two different guys now. Fuck. It’s enough to get my eye to twitch, that’s how hard I’m working not to lose my shit in public.
Needless to say, this may not work out now. I don’t know about killing someone I know. Not that I really give a damn, but picking someone who can be traced back to me at all is not a smart move on my part. And that gets me pissed off, because I don’t like changing plans and I don’t like wasting my time and I absolutely do not like when I can’t have what I want. And I already want him.
When my phone dings late Monday morning, I glare at my screen above me while lying down in bed. I’m still slightly annoyed that he never attempted to call me. Again, not that I really give a damn if he does or not. It’s more about making sure all the pieces are moving in the right direction at the proper pace, and him losing interest factors into my moves. Then again, maybe for the best. Maybe Will can make the decision for me. I don’t really like that possibility, either, but at least then it will be out of my hands. Temptation won’t get the better of me.
Purple Puppy: Sorry I never called you. I really wanted to, but my friend stayed over.
And he tacks on the sad begging eyes.
Orchid Mantis: Is this the smart best friend?
Purple Puppy: Mhmm
Purple Puppy: We… kinda sorta had sex…
Orchid Mantis: How does one kinda sorta have sex?
Purple Puppy: Very carefully.
And that gets a chuckle out of me. Smartass.
Purple Puppy: It wasn’t exactly planned, and it’s never happened before.
Purple Puppy: I dunno where we stand.
My brow raises at his word choice: we. As in us? Not likely, no. More like him and his friend. Hmm. Not sure I like that any better.
Purple Puppy: I don’t think this is going anywhere, but telling you still felt the most responsible and I’m attempting responsibility these days.
Mother fucker. He’s really going there with me. Well, fuck. For the best, I guess.
Purple Puppy: Are you mad?
Orchid Mantis: Not particularly.
Purple Puppy: And what if I said thinking about you was what got me all riled up in the first place?
I smile to myself. Still on the hook. Too bad I can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thing. Uncertainty is something I don’t experience often. I keep waiting for him to make his moves and decide for me. Changing courses still may be for the best, but I’m not sure if I can.
Orchid Mantis: In that case, not at all.
Purple Puppy: I think my cock didn’t like a change in routine and missed you.
He ends his sentence with a frowning emoji.
Orchid Mantis: Just how long have you been jerking off when we talk?
Purple Puppy: Hey, I’m a gentleman.
Purple Puppy: I waited until after we hung up.
Purple Puppy: Except for last time, but I would’ve stopped if you didn’t get into it. Which you did.
He’s got me there. Dammit.
Orchid Mantis: Call me tonight.
Purple Puppy: Oh, yeah? Not in the doghouse?
Orchid Mantis: Call me tonight and find out.
And with that, I power my phone off. It’s good for him to suffer a little. It’ll keep him on his toes.
It works. I go about my day as usual, doing all the mundane responsibilities all people must endure—work, laundry, dishes, paying bills—but nothing particularly important or thrilling. I keep busy and don’t miss my phone. When I’m in bed that evening and powering my phone back on, it rings almost instantly. Yet again, I find myself torn between being pleased to see he’s retained such interest and dreading what’s coming. I still haven’t made up my mind, and that’s not like me at all.
“Hey,” I sigh.
“Someone’s been busy today.” Will’s voice already sounds so thick and drippy. It’s hard for me to forget how sweet he is.
“I had a lot to do.” My eyebrows scrunch and even now, on the phone, I’m not sure what I should do about him. “Had a lot to think about, too.”
“Such as?”
I take a deep breath. Really, I care most about what I want. And I want him. He’s supposed to be the one. I also care about myself. Until now, what I want and what’s in my best interest has never conflicted so much.
“I think maybe you should try harder with that guy you like. Or even your friend. Anyone but me.”
Will quiets and takes a long pause before he says, “Why?”
“I’m starting to doubt if this will be good for either of us.”
“I pissed you off, didn’t I?” he concludes.
“No.”
“You never ignore me all day.” He stays level, but that forcefulness creeps back into his voice. And I’m already enjoying it too much. “Even when you said you didn’t mind, I couldn’t really believe you.”
“I really don’t.” And I honestly don’t. He can spend his final days sticking his dick into whoever and whatever he wants.
“Clearly, you do.”
“No,” I say again. I can hear him gearing up to say more and with a sudden rush, something I shouldn’t confess spills out. “It’s… I know you.”
“Sure. You know me so well,” he scoffs.
“I mean, I recognize you from the picture you sent me,” I clarify. “I know who you are, Will.”
“Well, this is awkward.” He pauses enough to release a long sigh. “Let me guess. You don’t want me to figure out who you are, too.”
“Not really, no.”
“Is this like a being in the closet sort of thing?”
“No,” I admit. “It’s more like… I don’t think I can keep moving forward now.”
“Have we met? Do you know me well?”
“I’m not telling you that.”
“Do you like me? In person?”
“I’m not telling you that, either.”
Will takes a deep sigh. “Okay. Sounds like bullshit, but okay.”
“It’s not.”
“It is. You said you’d be okay with us never telling each other who we are. And I agreed. Still do. It’s not my fault you found out who I am. You’re not obligated to tell me who you are, you know?”
“I know,” I quietly agree with him.
“So, what you really should’ve said is, ‘Will, I’m scared shitless you’re going to realize who I am’ because that’s the real issue here.”
Well, he’s right. Only not for the reasons he thinks, whatever those may be.
“I’m not going to try to find out who you are and how we know each other.” He’s trying to sound comforting, and I appreciate the genuine effort.
“You can’t promise me that. If we keep this up, you’ll recognize me. I can’t have that happening.”
“Okay.” Nothing on his end but acceptance and another sigh. “Do me a favor?”
“Sure.”
“Don’t tell me goodbye. Tell me goodnight instead.”
I smile to myself. “Goodnight, Will.”
“Night.”
Then I hang up before anything else can tempt me into changing my mind.