17. Cas
Chapter seventeen
Cas
W ell, then. This is not at all going according to plan. After coming to terms with the idea that I will not be killing Will anytime soon, I need to go in search of an immediate outlet for my base urges before I get sloppy. That’s what I carved out my night to do. Sigh. What a mess.
I’ve seen him before at the farmer’s market and he’s never been subtle. He loves to flirt and has all but asked me out. So when I saw him by chance, sans wife, I took a chance. I know a sure thing when I come across it.
It takes time, and it takes effort, but not so much that the reward becomes overshadowed. One long shower later, I’m curled up in a nice clean outfit, including a shirt I stole from Will. As in, he likely doesn’t know I took it when I saw him, but it smells just like him and I need something to keep me from going berserk.
After spending as much time with Will as I have, I’ve come to the realization we should not work. We are too similar. He likes to top. I like to top. Yet, when I’m with him, I find myself bending to his will and I actually love it. He wants me all to himself. I want him all to myself. Instead of our neurosis overcoming us, we rev each other up and feed off it. And then, there’s the part of him I glimpsed long ago but readily dismissed. He’s too much like me already, but I need to know exactly how much. I’m hoping Cas can get the truth out of him.
Purple Puppy: I’ve missed you, baby.
Purple Puppy: And I need you.
Purple Puppy: When can soon be right now?
Orchid Mantis: When I feel like it’s going to be a good decision on my part.
Purple Puppy: As opposed to?
Orchid Mantis: Reckless. Maybe dangerous.
Purple Puppy: You make me seem so scary.
Oh, if only he knew.
Purple Puppy: I don’t scare you, do I?
Orchid Mantis: No. Until now, we’ve been very compatible. What I need is reassurance that’s going to extend to when we meet in person.
Purple Puppy: Okay. And what do I need to do to do that?
Orchid Mantis: Give me real honesty. Tell me everything you think I need to know and then some.
Purple Puppy: I’m not typing this out.
I’m about to call him on his shit when the phone rings in my hand. He really is more careful than I give him credit for sometimes.
“Hey,” he says when I answer. Surprisingly, he sounds normal, but I’ve also never spoken to him this early in the day. “If this is about who’s going to bottom, I swear I will if that’s what it takes.”
“No.” I laugh. “This is more… I need you to give me a preview of what’s going to happen.”
“Baby.” His voice unexpectedly softens, and that does something entirely new to me. “I won’t do anything you don’t want. I can’t make promises, but I will always promise that much.”
“And what will you do to me, consensually?”
“Ideally?”
“Sure.”
“Everything you don’t want me to do.”
And fuck, that makes my hair stand on end.
Will takes a deep breath and I’m starting to think the conversation alone is getting him going.
“And you still expect me to trust you.” I try to sound irritated but hearing him even remotely aroused always has the same effect on me.
“Yes.” His voice goes back to light and friendly. “You remember what you told me?”
I chuckle at an argument he’s made before and I give him the same answer. “I’ve told you a lot.”
“Let me put it this way. I will fuck you bloody if that’s what I want. Is that messed up? Probably. I don’t deny it, but I also don’t fight it. I know what I want and what I want more than anything is knowing that you’re letting me do it.”
Good to know he’s got some limits. Maybe even more than I can say for myself. Thinking of this must keep me quiet for too long because he fills the silence.
“Cas, I mean it. I’m probably always going to want to hurt you, but I would never do anything without saying so first. You got that, baby?”
“Yeah.” I take a deep breath of pleasure at the very thought, recalling the last time I saw him. I’ve experienced enough to know he likes it rough, but that’s not really the problem. Hell, I like killing guys, so I’m in no position to judge. What I need to know is that he can match what I’ve mastered: self-control.
The last time I saw him, I spent the night at his house after our date. Admittedly, being alone with him and in a situation I potentially can’t control always puts me on edge. It’s a stupid move on my part. And I can’t stop making those. Even if my decision-making ability has deteriorated, it’s not as much of a problem as my self-control waning. Because when I had him alone in his bed, as nervous and vulnerable as he got me, I didn’t feel that way once I swung a leg over him and straddled his lap. He gobbled up my kisses so greedily he either didn’t notice or didn’t care when I wrapped my hands around his neck, brushing my thumbs near his Adam’s apple. It would’ve been so easy for me.
Remembering is enough to get me hard, only I can’t say for sure anymore what excites me most—which is why I attempted to get one urge out of my system for now. I can always kill someone else. It won’t be as good as killing Will, but it will satisfy me temporarily. I cannot enjoy sex with someone else. This has been a tried-and-true fact long before Will and I even met. Keeping him around solely for that reason seems to make more and more sense every day, but in the back of my mind, the promise I made to myself keeps resurfacing. I can kill him still. Just not yet. Not yet.
Soon.