18. Will
Chapter eighteen
Will
I ’ve been spoiled lately between an amazing night with Bailey on Sunday, followed by a sleepover with Jess on Monday. I’ve spoken to Cas every night since then and I’m dying for the moment he decides to take a leap of faith with me. Since I’ve got work early in the morning, I attempt to go to sleep early, but it’s not happening when I keep thinking of Cas.
Nothing good is ever on TV this late. I grab my phone instead, and the local forum for our small town has shared another article about another missing person, Jason Wilton. Not a local, but more than likely a second-homer who liked coming up for leaf peeping. I’ve seen him at the farmer’s market before. Total closet case and obviously looking for a May-December romance. Comes with his wife, who either doesn’t know or doesn’t care that he stares at just about every young guy he crosses paths with while shopping. Probably skipped town with the first man he found who wanted a silver-haired Daddy. The guy wasn’t terrible looking, so I doubt he had much of an issue.
I’m still staring at the photograph attached to the article when my phone vibrates in my hand. I’ve got an in-app message and I’m pleasantly surprised that Cas is awake still, too.
Orchid Mantis: Remember how I said soon?
Orchid Mantis: Soon is right now.
Purple Puppy: Please believe that in no way do I want to refuse, but is there any way I can get you to wait a little over twelve hours?
Orchid Mantis: You don’t have anything going on after work?
Purple Puppy: I do.
Purple Puppy: A date.
Orchid Mantis: With who?
Purple Puppy: Not going to tell you that.
And I add a smiley so he can see I’m only teasing.
Purple Puppy: He’s a nice guy. He won’t mind if I reschedule.
Orchid Mantis: Cancel.
Well, that wakes my cock right the fuck up. I press my palm into the swelling bulge at the front of my boxers and watch the texting dots reappear.
Orchid Mantis: Will you do that? Tell him you’re never going out with him again because there’s someone else.
Purple Puppy: Yes. Of course, I would.
Orchid Mantis: Then do it.
Purple Puppy: Consider it done, baby.
I click off the screen and set my phone down on the mattress and roll over to sleep.
The next morning at the farmer’s market is wicked cold. All the leaves changing into reds, oranges, and browns are proof enough that we don’t have many mornings left at the market before we’re done for the season. I head over to Bailey’s stand as soon as I can, mostly because I know we need to talk. It’s not the ideal time or place, but I don’t want to wait until the last minute. He lights up when he sees me, but I struggle to return his enthusiasm. As soon as we’re done unloading, I pull him off to the side and around his truck so we’re not in the direct line of sight of anyone.
“I need to talk to you.” I can’t find the willpower to drop his hands, so I keep holding onto him while he gazes adoringly at me. Ugh. So sweet. So much so I almost don’t think I can go through with this.
“What’s up?” Bailey chirps.
“I need to cancel tonight.”
“Okay.” He shrugs it off and his smile has yet to falter. “Something come up?”
“Yeah, you could say that.” Between deep breaths and reprimanding myself, I manage to get the rest out. “Listen, Bailey, I like you. I really like you. Like I’ve had a crush on you since we met last year, but…”
“But…” And the shine is fading. Oh, my fucking heart.
“There’s this guy I’ve been talking to for a while now and… I think he wants to go all in. And if he does, I want it too.”
Bailey’s eyes turn down as he considers this, but otherwise his expression remains neutral. “You love him?”
“Yeah, I think maybe I do.”
“How about me?”
I can only shrug. “I don’t know. I could see it happening with us too, but this guy… I’ve wanted something with him for a while now. Maybe it works out with me and him, maybe it doesn’t. I’m not going to string you along in the meantime.”
“So, it’s not like… me and my…” He doesn’t bother to finish, but I don’t give him the chance.
I move my hands to cup his face instead, bringing his lips to mine. My heart races in my chest whenever Bailey’s involved, but Cas… I need to know if what I feel with Cas extends to the real world.
When I break our kiss, I keep my face close so I can stare into his eyes while stroking his cheeks. “No, baby. Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I’m not going to hurt you that way.”
Bailey grins ever so slightly before I let him go.
I take a few steps away, then turn back with one last question for him. “If I fuck things up with this guy, would you ever give me a second chance?”
“Don’t fuck it up.” And he smiles a Bailey smile this time before turning to continue working.
I walk back to the farm stand, where Jess is already setting up the first display. My stomach sinks so far, it could be below my knees. I want to believe I didn’t just make the biggest mistake of my life by walking away from a guy that I still want so very badly, and only because I want Cas. But what if Cas really is Jess? Are my emotions going to shift immediately? Because I do care about Jess, but I can see myself getting bored quickly and only hurting him in the long run.
“Hey, what are you doing tonight after the market ends?” Jess doesn’t even look away from the jars he’s stacking.
“I’m… I’ll be seeing someone tonight.”
“You’re fucking Bailey, aren’t you?”
“No. Well, I have, but no. It’s not Bailey.”
“Don’t lie to me.” And his voice gets extra prickly.
“I’m not. I… uh, actually, I just told him that we couldn’t go out again. Until I know where I stand. And I should probably say the same to you. I think that guy I met online is going to want more.”
“I want more,” Jess says with extra emphasis.
“I know.” Fuck, this is the worst conversation to have at the start of a shift. “That’s my point exactly. I need to want it, too. And until I meet this other guy and we figure things out, I’m not going to know what I want.”
“Because you want him.”
“Yeah,” I say with a sigh. “I have for a long time. I know you want us to have something, Jess, and sometimes I do, too. I’m always going to care about you and we’re always going to be friends. I just… I need to know where things are headed with this other guy first. Otherwise, I won’t be able to make any decisions.”
“Wow. You almost sound like a responsible adult.”
“Only almost?” I tease.
Jess resumes his task and doesn’t look at me when he huffs to himself. “Get back to work.”
The day passes quickly while we work, so I only have time to stop and think once most of the hustle and bustle of shoppers winds down. After everything’s packed up, I’ve got my phone out while I wait for Jess to be ready to leave. May as well message Cas and let him know I’m done so we can figure out the when and where.
Once I open the app, I see that he messaged me. What the fuck? I don’t remember getting any notifications. When I check the timestamp, I realize he messaged me early this morning. I must have passed out with the app open, so the messages went through and I never got a notification badge.
Orchid Mantis: You don’t really have to. Saying you would is enough.
Orchid Mantis: And I’m actually busy tonight so we’ll have to reschedule. I’ll be seeing you real soon.
Purple Puppy: Too late.
And I tack on a displeased and sassy emoji because that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now.
Purple Puppy: I’m starting to think all you really want is to fuck with me, dude.
Purple Puppy: I’m sure you don’t give a damn, but I’ve had a crush on this other guy longer than I’ve even known you. And I dropped him like a hot potato, maybe even hurt his feelings in the process. Just for a chance to be with you.
Purple Puppy: And I know I’m ranting now, but too bad. You asked me to do something. I did it. Now it’s time for you to put up or shut up. I cut off the only other people who have given a damn about me. Either we are giving this a try, or I’ll fuck right off and stop wasting your time.
With a huff, I close the app and shove my phone back in my pocket. This guy. He gets under my skin too easily. Enough for me to roll over and show my belly, if that’s what’ll appease him. It’s not me. But I can’t figure out how to pull back now. I’m in too deep and I’m willing to do too much just to have him.
By the time I’m home, I’m less pissy once I remove my shoes and walk to the living room so I can collapse on the couch. Let’s see if Cas has decided to beg for my forgiveness. I doubt it. He’s got me by the balls and he knows it. Fucker.
Once the app loads, I click on my messages and… our conversation is gone. Weird. Some kind of glitch? Maybe I left the screen open again and accidentally cleared out my messages. I’ve deleted whole apps before when I forgot to turn on the screen lock before pocketing my phone.
No reason to fret. All the usernames get randomly generated for each and every conversation. Meaning there is likely more than one Orchid Mantis floating around in the app at any given time. However, the developers were not entirely irresponsible in terms of anonymity. Every user also gets a numbered user ID upon joining, and that’s listed on your profile for safety reasons—like in case you need to block someone or report a user or something. And I happen to have Cas’s memorized in case of this exact instance. I enter his number in the friend search and…
User not found.
Well, obviously, I typed too quickly. I punch the number in the search bar again and…
User not found.
Okay, maybe it’s time to panic a little. Cas and I never messaged outside the app at his insistence. I have no other way of getting a hold of him. Time to take this up a notch on the creeper level. Dig around for my tablet. Download the app. Register under a different email. Brand spanking new user ID. Good luck with blocking me now, asshole. We’re too close to the finish line for you to walk away on me like this. Surely, he got pissed off after my tirade and blocked me. Once I apologize, all will be well.
After I enter his user number in the search, I’m already crafting the perfect apology while the little spinning wheel takes its time to load and…
User not found.
I can’t believe it. I can’t believe after all that he’d cut and run. No. That’s not how this works.
Now, everyone reacts to rejection differently. Some people want to devour a pint of ice cream and a comfort movie while in their pajamas. Or a shoulder to cry on, who will lend an ear to their woes. I am the type who decides the night is young, and I have plenty of rage to release once I find someone to spite fuck. So, I’ll go and do just that.