39. Tell it to My Heart
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
tell it to my heart
ROMAN
The trek back to the cabin feels like the longest journey of my life, but I have to keep reminding myself that this was always going to happen; we were always going to have to have this conversation one way or another. I just wish it didn’t go down the way it did. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look in his eyes.
The lights are on inside, Imogen shivering underneath my borrowed suit jacket as we trudge up the steps, neither of us saying a word even after we’re inside.
My eyes fall on Abi at the kitchen table, looking up at us from her phone.
“Welcome back.”
I shove my hands into my pockets, giving her a nod as she flashes us a pained smile. Logan is at the counter grabbing glasses from the cabinet as I’m rooted to the floor, trying to analyze his body language. He’s got a clenched jaw, his lips pressed tightly together as he reaches for the whiskey, pulling the cap off with a soft pop.
Normally, that would all combine to be a bad sign, but he’s also changed into that stupid pumpkin sweater, his unruly hair sticking out from his hood. If he really wanted to kick my ass, he wouldn’t do it in a goofy sweater.
Right?
“Imogen?” Abi asks, standing up from the table. “Why don’t we head upstairs? We can watch a movie or something.”
“No, it’s fine,” Logan murmurs, pouring two generous glasses of whiskey before sliding one in my direction. “You two can stay, Roman and I’ll talk outside.”
Imogen gnaws at her lip before letting out a somewhat frustrated sigh. I can see the anger building in her as she strides toward the stairs and heads into her room, shutting the door loudly behind her.
I try to lighten the mood a little, gesturing at his outfit.
“You wore my favorite sweater.”
Logan’s face doesn’t move, and his eyes don’t even light up in acknowledgement. He only hands me one of the glasses before walking to the back porch in silence, not even bothering to hold the door for me. I catch it just before it slams shut and step out just in time to find him easing himself onto one of the couches with a groan. For a moment I consider having the whole conversation right in the doorway, ready to leave at a moment's notice, but when he finally looks up at me I know I can’t. It’s best if I face this like a damn man.
I take a seat beside him, leaving enough space that neither of us will feel boxed in. The two of us stare out at the snow-covered landscape as the very last dregs of sunlight vanish beneath the horizon.
“So, you’re Henry.” He shakes his head, chuckling to himself as he sips his drink. “And I am so fucking stupid.”
“No, you’re not.” I shift my body to face him. “And just to be clear, I didn’t know she was your sister when we met. It was two weeks before the semester started. Hell, I didn’t even know she was a student.”
“How?”
“How what?”
“How did you meet, genius?”
“Oh, that… you remember the app Frankie told me about? The kink— the dating… one.”
Logan takes in a haggard breath.
“Okay yeah, fine. So you didn’t know at the start, that’s fair. But you still lied to me, man.” His fingers clench around his glass. “You both made shit up to my face and didn’t even?—”
“Think about your feelings? I did. Believe me, we both did. It’s why we didn’t tell you. This relationship?—”
“Roman, you know the power dynamics at play here. There’s only one way this can end for the both of you, and I don’t want to have to watch my baby sister shut everyone out again when she inevitably loses the thing she’s worked so fucking hard for!”
“Look, Logan. I’m sorry that we lied to you, but we didn’t know how you’d take this, and I didn’t want to risk Imogen’s spot in the program.”
“You already have, man. You have to know that. You’ve both risked everything she’s worked for just by seeing each other, and you made it worse every goddamn day you kept it hidden! You had a chance to set boundaries, and you didn’t. You had a chance to put her future first, and you didn’t. I know you don’t give a shit about your job anymore, but don’t you care about her?”
“Of course I care about her. I tried to set boundaries—” Logan scoffs and I glare at him, staring him down before he has a chance to cut in. “We both did, at the start. We tried to be professional, Logan, I promise you, but I don’t think we even could have stopped this even if we wanted.”
My dad used to tell me that people come into your life for a reason, to open up new pathways you didn’t know existed. Now I can’t imagine my life without Imogen in it, and I don’t want to go back to the man I was without her.
“She’s worked so hard to get here, Roman. She almost flunked out of school, but she turned it all around so that she could follow in our dad’s footsteps. This puts all of that, her entire career, at risk.”
Laying the truth bare is terrifying, because I know there are holes in my reasoning. Yes, I could have put my foot down. I could have avoided that damn dinner party, or left her to fend for herself when I found her that night, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. It felt like my dad was right. Imogen was in my life for a reason, and I wanted to chase that for as long as I could.
“We didn’t set out to ruin anything. It wasn’t some big goddamn plot to betray you and keep secrets.” I pause, trying to choose my words carefully. “It was about both of us finding something that was missing in our lives. That’s all. And I know you’d love me to take it all back and say I’ll never see her again, but that’s not gonna happen.”
Logan snorts into his drink.
“Jesus, next you’re gonna tell me you’re in love with her.”
“Yeah.” I stare at him, stone faced. “I am.”
The anger in his eyes softens into mild confusion.
“Woah, wait. You’re serious?”
“As a goddamn heart attack. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time, and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her at EBU. Look, it’s like I said: we might have fucked up, but I’m not going back.”
Logan shifts in his seat, his eyes darting around as he processes what I’ve said.
“She knows you love her?”
“If there’s one thing I learned from Christa, it’s to say it as often as possible. I’m excited to wake up and see her every day. I love cooking with her, I love listening to her talk, I even love doing mundane shit like watching TV with her.” I clear my throat, sipping my drink for some courage as Logan relaxes a little more into the couch. “She’s helping me find the pieces of myself I thought I’d lost forever, and I hope I’m doing the same for her.”
“It’s funny,” he murmurs. “Thinking back to when she first mentioned she was seeing someone, I remember her whole face lighting up. I don’t think I’ve seen that softer side of her since before dad died, I just had no idea you were the reason.”
“My best friend doesn’t even remember my full name, huh?” I tease.
Logan laughs, shrugging his shoulders.
“I’ve spent my whole life being one of the smartest guys in the room, but I gotta admit, your stupid fucking middle name really slipped past my radar, yeah.”
“You’re getting old, kiddo.”
“Nah, you guys hid it pretty well.” He swirls his drink in his glass, a small, almost proud smile causing his lip to twitch. “I’m actually kind of impressed.”
“Yeah, well it doesn’t really matter. It was bound to blow up sometime.”
The guilt is like a frigid hand on my shoulder, reminding me that we don’t have much time left; that everything is about to come crashing down.
“I think what makes me the angriest is that I can’t protect her from what’s going to happen when the school finds out,” Logan murmurs, staring off into the night.
“That’s my fault.”
I had the chance to put in for her transfer so many times, and I just didn’t, and now we’ll be at the mercy of the department. What they decide to do to us is completely out of our control. All we can do is minimize the damage.
“So you’re going to tell them, right?” He asks, none of his previous venom coating the words.
“Do we even have a choice at this point?”
“Not really. If someone else catches you two… like a student?”
Logan lets out a breath, shaking his head.
It’s the band-aid neither of us could manage to rip off. We knew the consequences, but as long as it remained a secret, I could push my fears a little further every day. After a while, I let myself get lost in her, and in the forbidden nature of it all.
It felt so good, but we could only hide for so long.
“I’ll email Frankie in the morning.”
Logan nods, sinking a little deeper into his seat, his expression sorrowful as he sips at his drink. I didn’t think I could feel any guiltier, but now he looks like a puppy someone left by the side of the road.
“Logan, I’m really sorry we lied to you.”
“No.” He sighs. “That’s not why I’m– I feel like a dick. I didn’t know you were in love, I thought you guys were just… you know, boning.”
“We wanted to tell you.”
“No, you didn’t,” Logan laughs. “You both wanted to see how far you could push this without getting caught.”
“Logan—”
“No, that’s… I get it. Once you’re in love, it’s hard to stop it from sinking its hooks into your brain. Makes you crazy. Makes you do wild shit, stuff that makes no sense.”
Suddenly he looks a little anxious, like he’s opened up too much, scratching the crystal glass with his fingernail.
“I really do love her,” I assure him.
“No, man, I know. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be out here right now.”
I chuckle.
“Yeah, I’m freezing my balls off.”
Logan snickers and reaches over, clinking his glass against mine.
“Thanks for telling me the truth.”
I don’t feel much better about all of this, but I know what I have to do. I’m going to protect her, and I’ll worry about myself later.
“I’m just sorry it took so long.”