40. As It Was
CHAPTER FORTY
as it was
IMOGEN
“Still awake?” Roman asks, his eyes shut tight but just as sleepless as me.
“Yeah,” I murmur. “My head won’t stop spinning.”
“Yeah, neither will mine.”
I was asleep when he came up to my room after his talk with Logan, but we’ve both been awake and restless since. Sharing a bed with him on our last night feels both right and wrong at the same time. There isn’t a point of hiding anymore, but with things still unresolved…
“Logan told me that we should come clean with the department,” Roman says softly.
I lift my head, my brows pinched together.
“What, why? Is he planning to sell us out?”
“No, it’s just a hell of a lot worse if we get caught.” He pauses, shifting a little with a groan. “And based on what happened tonight, it’s more of a when than an if.”
I gnaw at my lip. There’s got to be a better way.
“We’ll be more careful.”
Roman stares at the ceiling.
“We can’t hide this anymore. You know that.”
My eyes feel heavy, like I’m grasping at sleep and can’t quite keep hold of it, but my mind is moving so fast I can barely pin down a thought.
“Maybe I’ll quit,” Roman whispers.
His voice is surprisingly calm, and perfectly accompanied by his steady breathing.
“What?”
“Once you’re in this for long enough, it all starts to swallow you up. I wasn’t fully present in my marriage because I was so obsessed with my work. I think it’s one of the reasons I felt so responsible for Christa’s death.” He tries to steady his voice, the topic having an obvious effect on him. “Besides, if I leave, the school can’t touch you. You’ll get to keep your spot.”
“That’s not your responsibility.”
“Maybe not,” Roman replies. “But we’ve got to do something, and what your brother said to me just stuck in my head all night: the truth will be a lot easier for everyone to swallow. I think we should schedule a meeting with Frankie when we get back.”
I look up at him, playing with the delicate gold chain around his neck as he smiles back at me.
“What would you do?” I ask. “If you quit.”
“I’ve always wanted to go to culinary school and open up a restaurant. It’s stupid, but it’s something I’ve been… mulling over in the background. There’s a school in Seattle. I’ve had their website bookmarked for a while. I keep staring at the apply now button, but I’ve been such a chickenshit.”
“You’re not.”
“Yeah?” He asks. “Then how come I couldn’t tell your brother the truth?”
I slowly run my fingers through the fine hair on his chest, and his cheeks grow pink.
“Because it’s terrifying to put your entire life on the line not knowing what’s waiting for you on the other side.”
“Are the two of you pulling from the same font of wisdom?” Roman laughs. “Because I’m pretty sure your brother said the same damn thing to me outside.”
I grin and press a soft kiss into his chest.
“Logan’s the wise one. I start sentences without realizing how I’m going to end them, then even I’m surprised by the shit that comes out of my mouth.”
He startles me with a sudden, loud laugh.
“That might be my favorite quality of yours.”
“I thought it was my boobs.”
“Fair enough, it’s your wisdom and your boobs.”
“I love you, cowboy.”
“I love you right back, darlin’.”
I lay my head back down on his chest with a sigh.
It’s quiet for a long time before I notice his breathing slow, each individual breath becoming much deeper, and when I look up, he’s already fast asleep.
“Asleep so quick? I really fucking envy you right now,” I whisper.
I already know I’ll probably be up all night, but I can’t just sit here alone with my thoughts. I need a glass of water, and maybe some fresh air will clear my head. Once a problem crashes into my life, it’s easy for it to become an obsession.
Quietly, I slide off the bed, throwing my robe on and heading out toward the kitchen. On the way, my attention is pulled to a soft light emanating from the living room, and I find Logan perched in a chair by the fireplace. He’s got a book in his lap, a lock of hair fallen into his face, and dark circles under his eyes.
“Hey, Ig.”
“Hey.”
“Can’t sleep?”
I shake my head.
“You?”
“Nope.”
He lifts the book and I chuckle. All I can make out are the words quantum physics .
“Are you trying to bore yourself to death?”
“More like into passing out.” He closes the book carefully and sets it aside. “I’m sorry I didn’t come to talk to you. I was…”
“I get it.” I make my way over and sit on the couch across from him. “Logan, I feel awful for lying to you.”
“I know you do,” he replies. “But you know why I was angry, don’t you?”
I nod.
“I guess both of us just didn’t know how you’d react.”
He takes a deep breath, running his fingers through his hair.
“Well, I’d be shocked, and I’d probably be a little?—”
“Pissed?”
“I don’t know,” he confesses with a hollow laugh. “But I was gonna say confused.”
“I didn’t want to lie to you. I promise I didn’t, but this all happened so fast and then before I knew it we were together, and then… I was in love.”
Logan smiles, and I see a little glimpse of my brother’s eternal optimism again. He’s exhausted, and close to the end of his rope with me, but he’s still in there.
“Roman told me.”
“I thought he was just some hot guy on an app at the start. I didn’t know he was your friend, or that we’d be working together, or any of that shit. You should really sign-post your friends and colleagues on social media.”
“Oh, yeah, this is my fault,” he snorts.
“Well, I have to blame someone other than myself,” I tease. “Otherwise I’d have to take accountability for once.”
I don’t really know what else to say that hasn’t probably been said between the two of them. Roman didn’t give me the full details of what they talked about, but I figured my brother would eventually want to have a heart to heart.
I guess this is it.
“Do you understand why I was so pissed off at first?” Logan asks.
“Tell me.”
He takes a breath, and I follow his gaze out the window. Small white flakes of snow tumble down from the sky, probably the perfect image to accompany the silence around us, only broken up by the crackling fireplace.
“Because I know how hard you fought to get here, Iggy. I know that you put the whole thing on the line for Roman— but I was angry, angry that the boundaries weren’t firmer, that neither of you put a stop to it back when you could have…”
“Logan—”
“Let me finish first.”
He’s right. That over-explaining thing I do won’t help the situation right now.
“Then he told me that he loves you, and how much you mean to him, and how fiercely he wants to protect you. I didn’t expect that, I thought you guys were just…”
“We tried to stay away from each other, but?—”
“You’re in love,” he whispers. “I get it.”
I nod, struggling to hold it together, but a tiny sob manages to escape my lips.
“We are. That’s why I’m so fucking scared of what’s going to happen next.”
Logan stands, moving to sit next to me on the couch.
“I can’t protect you from what’s going to happen when the department finds out. You know that, right?”
Just the thought of it makes me want to throw up. There’s nothing left standing between us and complete and total disgrace.
“I know,” I sniffle. “God, I fucked everything up.”
Logan shakes his head.
“You can’t help where your heart leads you.”
He’s not wrong, but it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have a backup plan, and that’s the thing that scares me the most. All of that work, all of those accomplishments I’ve racked up over the years… thrown away because I fell in love. Now there’s nothing to do but tell Frankie what I’ve done and face the consequences. I’ve never felt so helpless.
“Iggy, you know that no matter what goes down, I’ve always got your back, right?”
“I know,” I sniffle. “So what do you think is going to happen?”
“I don’t fully know,” he confesses. “But the school is pretty clear on its student-teacher fraternization policies. Roman will be suspended, he won’t be able to publish or teach, and you face expulsion.”
“Suspended? For how long?”
“I think that part’s up to Frankie’s discretion,” Logan whispers. “Along with what happens to you.”
I stare into the fire, trying to anchor myself and keep from spiraling any further.
“Iggy, even with all of this, do you still see a future with Roman? I mean a real future.”
I let out a long, haggard breath. I’ve definitely thought about it, but we've been so focused on keeping our secret that I haven’t let my mind wander that far into the future. Besides, if I let myself daydream too much I’ll start to get anxious; old anxieties begin to creep up.
All things do is end.
I know that, but…
“I want it to be real,” I whisper. “This is the first time I’ve really connected with someone in a long time.” I fiddle with a stray string on my robe. “It felt so natural to ease into having a boyfriend, instead of just having fun with someone I was fucking?—”
I stop myself, burying my face in my hands.
“God, you don’t need to be hearing this.”
“Hey, I’m a chill big brother!”
I’m a little shocked to find myself laughing, but more than a little relieved.
“That is such bullshit! You looked ready to tear Roman’s head off tonight.”
“I can’t deny I was thinking about it, but now I know why: you both have something you wanted to protect. I might have done the same thing in your shoes.”
“Do you moonlight as a therapist or something?” I chuckle.
Logan bumps me with his shoulder. Sometimes he really does know what to say.
“Nah, I just give really good advice, and then never listen to it when I need it.”
“Well, either way, thanks again for not punching Roman. Or me, now that I think of it.”
“What kind of a brute do you take me for?” He snorts.
“You looked really mad, and you’ve got that Flynn temper.”
“I do not have a temper.”
“Dude, you tried to fight a mascot on Coney Island once.”
“Okay, one: that was a drunk frat dude in a T-Rex costume, not a mascot, and two, he wouldn’t stop calling you four eyes!”
I snicker, wishing I had even a fraction of my brother’s confidence. Maybe if I did I wouldn’t have let things get so far out of control.
“Well, it’s way beyond late,” Logan sighs. “Me and my boring ass book are going to bed. You should too, missy.”
“Yeah, I’m just gonna grab some water first.”
Logan nods, heading for the stairs, but stopping in place only a few steps up.
“You know I love you, right Ig? No matter what, you’re still my dumbass little sister.”
I roll my eyes at him, waving him away.
“And you’re still my dumbass big brother.”
He smiles, heading the rest of the way up and leaving me alone with my thoughts.
“And I love you too,” I mutter to the empty room.
My whole life, my big brother has looked out for me, rescued me from stuff that even mom and dad couldn’t, but things are different now. He can’t save me from what’s about to happen back in Emerald Bay.