Chapter 34
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
LUKE
I t fucking killed me the minute Deidre walked out of my apartment. I should never have let her go—especially when she told me that she loves me. I was a fucking idiot. That should have been enough for me to go after her, and now with a wounded ego, I remain actionless and alone.
For the entire past week, I’ve barely slept or eaten.
I haven’t been able to focus on work and keep rearranging things in the new apartment.
There have been so many times I’ve wanted to call her, text her, spontaneously drive over to see her, and say that I’m sorry.
I’m not sure how to say it, let alone know if she’ll give me the chance to talk.
I didn’t mean that I wanted all or nothing—not now.
Not having Dei in my life is worse than only getting her in secret.
I miss the sound of her voice, the smell of her body, her laugh, the way she says my name, how she feels, and everything in between.
Everything I achieve with work is pointless without her.
When I’m not moving shit around the large apartment, I’m working out or involved with the firm.
Trying to distract myself from the pain inside and the lack of Deidre from my life isn’t easy.
Anytime I try to masturbate, I have trouble.
Food has been unappealing. Sleep comes in bouts—a few hours at a time.
The weeks drag by, and I continue to be a pussy, afraid to ask Dei for forgiveness. I need her, even just half the time, rather than nothing at all. I know I need to do something, and soon, but I don’t know what to do, let alone how to do it, in a grand enough way for her to forgive me.
A knock coming from the front door catches my attention.
“Hey, Dad,” I greet dejectedly.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I lie.
“Luke.”
I don’t comment as I close the door behind him and make my way to the kitchen to grab us drinks. I’m not surprised he’s here. I’ve known that he’s been wanting to come down to see the buildings we’ve purchased.
“Did you and Deidre have a fight?”
“No.”
Dad chuckles. “Definitely a fight.”
I hand him a beer. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Have you talked to anyone about it?”
“No.”
“Spill it.”
“It was my fault,” I state. “It was over something stupid.”
“What did you do?”
I look at him for a few seconds. “I was jealous of something stupid. Something I knew could happen since she’s always told me how her business runs.”
Dad’s face is calm and stoic while his eyes seem to never veer from mine. “You said that you’re relationship can’t be public, right?”
“Yeah,” I groan.
“Why? Why can’t she date publicly?”
“I don’t know.”
“It might be something out of her control,” he says.
“How would it be out of her control?” I snap
“Easy, Luke.”
“I’m sorry,” I say on a low, steady breath out.
“I know this is hard for you. It’s probably hard for her, too.”
I nod.
“Do you love her?”
“Yeah,” I chuckle nervously, running my fingers through my hair. “I told her the night we fought.”
“Does she love you?”
“She said it before she walked out the door.”
“Why did you let her leave?”
“I shouldn’t have and I’m not sure why I haven’t gone after her yet,” I admit. “I feel like a fool. I thought I wanted all or nothing, but the nothing part fucking sucks. I wouldn’t even know where to start. It’s worse not having her than only getting a part of her.”
“Start by telling her what you just told me,” Dad suggests.
I stare at him.
“Was the fight over you two not being able to be public about your relationship?”
“Kind of,” I admit.
“If she loves you, like you say she does, I’m sure she’ll want to talk,” he states. “At least let her explain why she can’t have a relationship. Maybe it’s a temporary challenge.”
“What would make her unable to date? She said it has nothing to do with Alana or Mike.”
“Maybe her business,” Dad suggests.
“What do you mean?”
He gestures to the air. “We’re in Hollywood.”
“No,” I correct. “We’re in Pacific Palisades.”
“You know what I mean.”
I don’t know what he means. I don’t ask, not interested in continuing this topic.
“Her business is a dating app, right?”
“Yeah, kind of,” I reply.
“Kind of?”
“It’s more like…like a booty call app,” I state.
“Huh,” Dad lets out before taking a sip of his beer. “So, what was the real reason why you two fought?”
I let out a large sigh, knowing that he’ll keep beating around the bush until I talk.
“I was with Mike and the guys for New Year’s while she was in New York for a business thing.
We spoke just after it hit midnight her time, but only for a few minutes.
When I saw some guy on television with her in Time Square kissing her, and her kissing him back, I lost it. ”
“So you talked on the phone once you saw the kiss?” Dad speculates.
“No. I went home to the old apartment and went to bed. She never called, and I didn’t call her, not wanting to pick a fight over the phone. At like three in the morning, she showed up.”
“And you confronted her then about kissing another guy and your lack of a public relationship,” he concludes.
“Yeah.”
“She flew back to see you…right after that guy kissed her?”
“I said I was a fool.”
“Yeah,” Dad chuckles. “No shit.”
My head lowers.
“Hey.”
I don’t move.
“Luke. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“You’re right, though. I know that shit happens sometimes for her…when she’s at events for work.”
“What stuff?”
“Having to act around the men Victoria sets her up with,” I share. “I know she doesn’t like it. She even told me that he caught her off guard that night.”
“Well…there’s only one thing you can do.”
“What’s that? Beg for forgiveness? I already know that.”
“Yes,” he confirms. “But you’re going to have to pull out all of the stops to make sure she’s back in your life.”
“What do you mean?”
“Valentine’s Day,” Dad says in a sing-songy tone, like I should know better, as he tilts his head to the side.