CHAPTER FORTY-ONE #2
Thom felt his eyes drift to Ilain and Ethenn.
The clouds had obscured the sun once more.
A dull gray shadow hung over the terrae.
What would Ilain encourage him to do? She was wiser than people gave her credit for—wiser than most women he’d met.
And he had no doubt she’d steer him in the right direction.
In his prolonged consideration, Evylin tapped a finger on the front of her saddle. “Thom,” she said with something like pity in her tone.
He turned to her, unsure what she had to pity him for.
Evylin’s warm brown gaze held his. “You know a life with Ilain isn’t possible, don’t you?”
Thom’s stomach dropped. “Evylin, that’s not—”
“I know you’ve grown close,” she said, misinterpreting his denial. “And while I’m sure you share a mutual respect for one another, it wouldn’t work between you two.”
Muttering a curse under his breath, Thom pinched the bridge of his nose. “Evie, you don’t understand.”
“I do. I swear.”
“No.” He gave her a bland glare. “You don’t.”
Evylin quirked an eyebrow, clearly disbelieving of his claim.
“It isn’t like that,” Thom said. “Ilain and I aren’t—our flirtations are not real. Neither of us has feelings for one another.”
However, Thom realized that wasn’t altogether true. He did feel something for Ilain. An admiration, a regard, a like-mindedness. They were strikingly similar, and she made him feel understood in a way few others did. It wasn’t love—it was, as Evylin herself had said, respect.
Evylin scoffed. “Is that so?”
“Yes.”
“Then why, pray tell, were you holding hands the other day?” Despite Thom rolling his eyes, Evylin kept going. “And why is it,” she demanded, “that you two are always together?”
“We all agreed not to leave anyone alone,” he reminded her. “While you and Ethenn are out having a splendid Warrior time, someone has to stick around to protect the woman.”
“Pshaw. Ilain can protect herself.”
“Then why do we have our rules?”
Evylin smirked. “To protect you, of course. You’re carrying the Relics. That makes you our most prized commodity.”
“Exactly,” Thom said, latching onto her argument. “We can’t be alone. That doesn’t mean I want to spend all my time with Ilain. I just do because I have to.”
Evylin eyed him. “So you wouldn’t be upset if she were to, say . . .” She paused, clearly pretending to search for an example. “Be with Ethenn?”
Thom scrubbed a hand over his face. He glanced at the pair more than a hundred feet ahead now.
Ethenn adjusted awkwardly in his saddle while Ilain continued to talk.
For the first time, he worried that the highlady had taken his budding friendship the wrong way.
What if Ilain thought he was gaining feelings?
Thom ground his teeth. “Did she put you up to this?” he asked.
“No,” Evylin said too quickly.
Thom swore again. “Does she think I have feelings for her?”
Evylin dipped her chin, studying him. “Don’t you?”
“I’ve already told you no.”
“Then why were you and Ethenn fighting over her yesterday?”
“Evylin, let it go.”
“I don’t want to see you hurt, Thom,” Evylin said, ignoring his dismissal.
Thom couldn’t help his caustic laugh. “Ilain Calder can’t hurt me.”
“Thom—” She reached over and touched his arm comfortingly. His skin burned with guilt under her fingers. “You don’t have to be ashamed of feeling something for her. She’s a beautiful, wonderful woman. You’ve gotten close, and it makes sense.”
“Evie, stop.”
“If you truly don’t care,” she pressed, “if you have no feelings for her, then why wouldn’t you tell Ethenn the truth? Why would his jealousies bother you?”
Heat crept along Thom’s neck like a leather strap, choking him. “Just stop,” he said weakly.
“Because you do feel something for her,” Evylin surmised. “Because despite knowing you have no future, you want it anyway.”
Thom hated how true her words were, no matter the misplaced recipient of his affection.
It felt cruel, having Evylin reveal his fate to him.
For the reality was that his love would perpetually be unrequited.
His future was that of broken isolation.
All because he couldn’t overcome his resentment and failings.
He jerked back on the reins, bringing his horse to a disgruntled stop. He glared at Evylin, daring her to test him. “I don’t have feelings for Ilain,” he said vehemently.
“Then why are you and Ethenn fighting?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“Yes!” Evylin tossed her arms to the side, her horse sidestepping in agitation.
“Fine.” Thom leaned forward until their faces were only a few inches apart. Evylin’s expression pinched as he let his gaze soften, locking with hers. “It’s because he knows how I feel about you.”
A gasp whooshed out of Evylin.
Foolishly, Thom set his hand on hers, where it rested on her thigh. “Damn the consequences, Evylin,” he whispered. “I love you.”
Instantly, Evylin jerked away. “What?” she spat.
Thom felt his expression harden once more. He sat upright, reaping the consequences he expected. “Don’t look at me like that,” he said harshly. “You knew. You had to know.”
“I didn’t,” Evylin insisted. “I—”
Thom saw it then, the moisture gathering in her eyes. She really hadn’t known.
He scoffed, turning away. “Don’t worry,” he said bitterly. “I’m aware that you don’t return my feelings.”
“He’s your brother,” she breathed.
A dagger plunged into Thom’s stomach. “I know.”
“Why—?” She let the question fall, unasked but still in the air between them.
Thom met her gaze again, forlorn in his deficiency. “Because you’re everything I wanted,” he admitted. “And once more, Jonn took what should have been mine.”
Evylin drew back in contempt.
A self-mocking laugh slipped out of Thom.
Yes, she would view him with scorn, as she should.
“Do you think I congratulate myself for feeling this way?” he demanded.
“Do you think I want to feel this way? I’ve spent my life in his shadow.
For once, I’d like to have something—someone—of my own.
I wish I didn’t feel these things, but I do. I love you. I want to be with you.”
“Thom, stop.”
“It’s too late for that.”
It was true. It was far too late. He’d admitted his frailty and exposed his misdeeds. Now, it was up to her to absolve or condemn him.
“I didn’t dare say anything,” Thom prompted his horse to take a step forward, but she sidled hers away, “to him or to you. Not when I thought it wouldn’t make any difference.”
“And why would it make a difference now?” she asked coldly.
“Because you left him,” Thom said, the words a quiet plea. Then he hardened himself once again. “Or I thought you did.”
Evylin slumped, her gaze diverting.
“You did,” Thom realized. “You left him?”
She confirmed it with her silence.
Thom let out a huff. “Then you’ve rejected us both.”
Evylin sat there, eyes downcast and demeanor morose.
Cautiously, Thom reached out. He brushed back some of the wisps that framed her face. She tensed under his touch. “Whatever the case,” he whispered, “I’m glad you know now. And even if you don’t want me, I will always want you.”
Evylin pulled back sharply, her eyes alight with something like fury. “I could never be with you,” she said, the words stinging like the slash of a sword. “Don’t you understand that? Every time I look at you, I see him.”
Thom flinched, the admission of the comparison was everything he feared.
“Every time you smile,” she continued, “I see his smile. Every time you laugh, it’s his laugh I hear. Any time you touched me or tried to kiss me—it wouldn’t be you I’d think of. It would always be him.”
Cold desolation seared in Thom’s veins as her last words hissed out. “You could only ever be a shade of him to me.”
Thom clenched his jaw so tight it felt as if it might break. His chest filled with pressure; his eyes welled with emotion. Air struggled to fit into his lungs. But this wasn’t heartbreak he felt. It was rage.
“All my life,” he managed to eke out, “that’s all I’ve ever been: a shade of my brother. Stronger, more sincere, and far more determined, but still not good enough.”
Evylin glared at him, unsympathetic to his plight.
Thom’s lips twisted into a snide grin. Her repudiation, her scorn—that was always his fate. He shook his head at the irony. “He could never love you like I could,” he said accusingly. “He doesn’t have the capacity for it.”
Evylin lifted her chin. “I don’t want your love.”
“No one does,” he said, then pulled on the reins. “Don’t concern yourself, Evie. I won’t bother you with my feelings again.”
Leaving her behind, Thom spurred his horse into a canter. He joined Ethenn and Ilain, their conversation stalling with his added presence.
Ethenn eyed him with disdain. “Have a nice chat?” he asked.
Thom’s brows pinched together. Was that accusation in Ethenn’s voice? Perhaps seeing Thom and Evylin draw back had reignited his anger from the day before. “Quite,” he said flatly.
Ilain eyed him warily but returned to her previous conversation. “They say that the ancient Mages sent delegates south on the Veridus Sea,” she said to Ethenn. “Some believe they took the missing literature with them, but there’s no evidence to support that theory.”
“Do you believe it anyway?” Ethenn asked.
Slowly, Evylin approached. Thom blocked out the conversation. His mind reeled over and over, furious with himself and with Evylin. Why had she goaded him? Why couldn’t he stand down? He should have let it go. He should have lied, feigning an interest in Ilain.
Thom’s fingers tightened on the reins. What have I done? Evylin would surely tell Deckard of his indiscretion. Then he’d truly be condemned in his brother’s eyes.
A hollow pit opened in Thom’s stomach. He glanced at Evylin out of the corner of his eye. She rode straight-backed, ignoring him. It was clear. His rash tongue had caused the loss of both his brother and his closest friend.
Now, he truly was a loveless wretch, destined to spend eternity alone.
What have I done?