Chapter Six
S am drew a breath in through her nose and released it out through her mouth. The cab of Julian’s truck carried his fresh scent, and she wanted to curl up on the leather bench and sleep. Julian had shown up at the exact moment she was raw and vulnerable, and she wasn’t sure if she was embarrassed or thankful for his support. The day had been heartbreaking. She’d played some of her patient’s favorite pop songs as the child slipped away, surrounded by her family.
When people thought of hospice, they typically thought of elderly adults who’d lived a full life, but that wasn’t her world. The hospice wing she worked on was for children. She never gave too much thought to sick kids until this job began. Certainly had no idea how many families were impacted by childhood disease and illness. Sure, she’d heard the occasional tragic story about pediatric cancer or congenital heart defects on the news, which was heartbreaking. Still, she’d been too far removed from the situation. Now, she worked with families whose children were fighting courageous battles almost daily. She loved that she could give them an escape, even though brief, from their failing health. Loved that she could provide families with some peace.
Every time they lost a patient, though, part of her soul splintered. She couldn’t fathom losing a precious child, and her heart bled for the parents and caretakers. For all of the experiences the child would never have. For the siblings, who’d lost an integral piece of their family, along with their parents’ attention, which was focused on the sick child, and they were now swamped in grief. She held back another wave of tears that threatened to choke her.
When she walked out of the hospital today, she’d been prepared to pick up Angel at Fred Bower’s house—her elderly neighbor who watched her dog during the day—go home, and have a good cry. Julian had been outside, though, and the moment she saw him, she broke. Her reaction was startling. She was a private person, but something about Julian’s presence made her dissolve into tears. She let her emotions show only in the safe space of her home. She wasn’t going to spend time analyzing what that meant, only that she felt safe with Julian. She stole a glance at him from across the truck cab.
God, he was beautiful. Those dusky golden waves hanging around his face. His sharp cheekbones and the ridge of his jaw were covered by a trimmed beard—one that her fingers ached to stroke. The heater of Julian’s truck was blasting, wrapping her up in a cozy warmth that was beginning to chase the chill of anxiety away from her clammy skin. They sat in silence as she racked her brain for ways to afford new transportation. The reason her bank accounts were empty could be blamed on nothing but herself.
Her mother had called her the other night. She’d told Sam she wanted to get clean. Wanted to enter rehab, but her insurance wouldn’t cover the total cost. Sam had fallen for this song and dance before, but the hope of someday having a positive relationship with her mother always outweighed the more likely ending that her mother would take the cash and run. God, was she stupid. Shouldn’t she know by now that her mother wouldn’t change? Still, she’d written a check to her mother, draining her savings. That lack of savings was why she was currently freaking out about paying for a tow, a mechanic to look at her car, and potentially finding a new one.
She cleared her throat and turned to Julian. “I need to make a quick call to let my neighbor know I’m going to be late picking up Angel.”
His head jerked back. “Who’s Angel?” he asked, glancing over at her. The array of colors in his hazel eyes was dizzying; ripples of sage and burnished gold spread out from his pupils and morphed into currents of silver and blue on the outer banks of his irises. “Sam?”
“Angel. She’s my whole world.” Just thinking of the brave little dog made her smile. Sam had been so lonesome before the animal had joined her life. Now she couldn’t imagine having a day without the nails of her three legs clicking along the floor or grinning at how her tongue hung out of her mouth.
“A child?” Julian’s gaze flicked to her once more, expression unreadable, as he turned onto a side street.
“Dog.”
A small smile formed on Julian’s lips. “My sister and I always wanted a dog growing up. Our neighbor had a sled team of eight huskies, and he always yelled at us for going over and slipping them snacks. Said we were making them soft around the middle. They loved seeing us coming with scraps from our house, though. Something about their butt-wiggling anticipation always made the day better.”
“That’s how I feel about Angel. No matter what happens during the day, she’s always there waiting for me to get home. She dances on her hind legs when she sees me and curls right on my pillow at night.”
She moved around the contents of her purse until her hand hit the hard surface of her cell phone. The number came up under her recent calls, and she clicked the screen to redial.
“Hello, who is this?” The weathered voice spoke to the man’s age and too many cigars.
“Hey, Fred. It’s Sam. I’m having some car trouble, and a friend picked me up. Do you mind watching Angel for another couple of hours?” If she thought Fred would be bothered, she would’ve had Julian take her right home. She suspected the dog was as good for him as she was for her.
“I never mind, honey. We’re just having a beer on the back porch.” The sound of a metal can being crushed and the top popped on another made her shake her head. When Fred sat on his back porch, he rarely drank one beer. In fact, when she introduced herself, he told her not to come back again without a six-pack.
“Are you telling me Angel is going to be intoxicated when I come to pick her up?” she teased.
“Well, I’m enjoying the beer. She’s having a big ol’ bone.” Sam chuckled, feeling better just hearing about Angel. “Who’s this friend that picked you up? The girl you found in the woods?”
“No, not Brynn. It’s actually one of her fiancé’s friends.”
“Does he have a name? I’m assuming it’s a man. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but it wouldn’t be right for an engaged man to have a female friend. Don’t like the idea of you going off with some strange man.”
“His name’s Julian Desmond. He’s not a stranger.”
“Julian, huh?” he scoffed. “Well, you be careful. Men are a bunch of pigs these days, and you’re a pretty little thing.”
“I’ll be okay.” His concern warmed her. He was the closest thing to a father figure she’d had in a long time. “See you in a couple of hours.”
When she hung up the phone and glanced at Julian, his jaw was clenched. “How well do you know this neighbor of yours?” The irritation in his voice was audible, but she didn’t quite understand why he was upset.
“Funny, he was just asking me the same about you.”
Julian studied her for a moment, then looked back at the road. The rest of the drive was completed in silence. The only noise was the hum of the heater and classic rock pumping through the speakers. Sam recognized the apartment building as they approached. Lights were on in the lobby and some of the units, giving the structure a warm glow. Julian parked and was around to her side of the truck before she could open the door. He took her hand as she slid out, keeping their fingers linked as they crossed to the entrance.
After taking the elevator to the fifth floor, Julian unlocked his apartment door, holding it open. She stepped inside, and the scent of something wonderful, like melted cheese and smoked paprika, hit her nose. Her stomach growled, and Julian chuckled. She liked hearing the sound of his laughter, even if it was elicited by what sounded like a greedy gut goblin growling in her belly.
After the lunch Julian had brought her at work, it was a wonder she was hungry at all. The sandwich had been such a nice treat. She rarely splurged to buy herself lunch, either going without or bringing a yogurt. Funds were truly tight right now when they shouldn’t be. She’d never get rich being a music therapist, but she was a hard worker, sometimes taking clients six days a week. It was her guilt that was pulling her down into a pit of financial ruin.
“What smells so good in here?” She breathed in the scents coming from the kitchen and slipped off her shoes before moving any farther into his space.
“Thought you could use some comfort food after the day you’ve had. I make a mean mac and cheese.”
Her heart flip-flopped. Julian was going out of his way for her, from promising to call a tow truck to bringing her favorite sandwich and coffee to work. Now he was making her dinner. He grabbed two bottles out of the fridge, the glass clanking together as he pulled them out with one hand. Julian popped the tops off and handed her one. She wasn’t sure if he’d made a special trip for her preferred beer, but she had a feeling he didn’t keep Blue Moon stocked in his fridge—not that she did, either. It was another one of those special treats that she didn’t allow herself often.
“Why don’t you get comfortable on the couch, and I’ll bring our food in?” He turned back to the cabinet and began taking down dishes.
“Do you need help with anything?” she choked out. His sculpted back and broad shoulders made her throat dry.
“Nope. I’m good. Be right in.”
She wandered into the living room. The first night she’d been to his place, they were too wrapped up in each other for her to take stock of her surroundings. He had a comfy gray sectional positioned over a cream-colored carpet. To the left of the couch was a trio of canvases on the wall between two windows. Deep purple and fuchsia clouds positioned against a fathomless blanket of black, littered with stars. “Your nebula paintings are beautiful.”
Julian paused at the threshold and studied her. “The guys gave me shit for hanging that, mostly because they had no clue what it was.”
She shrugged. “I grew up watching Star Wars.” Pain wedged in her throat. Her dad had liked the movies, so she’d taken an interest. Now, it felt wrong to have enjoyed something he did. “It’s cool to think of all there is beyond Earth. That there might be inhabitants of other planets we know nothing about. Plus, I’m pretty sure I secretly wished I’d be abducted by aliens. It was a much happier option than enduring my childhood.” She went and sat on the left side of the couch, and Julian crossed the carpeted space with two heaping bowls.
“Addy and I would sit on our front porch and look at the stars and the aurora borealis. We liked to make up new planets and talk about what kind of life-forms would live there. What their cultures would be like. I think we also secretly hoped a spaceship would fly over our house and beam us up.” He set down the bowls on the coffee table before taking a throw blanket from the adjacent recliner and positioning it around her. A hard lump wedged in her throat. Being taken care of by Julian felt good. Too good. He handed her one of the bowls, and she balked at the contents.
“This isn’t Kraft,” she stated as heat crept up her cheeks.
Another deep chuckle resonated from Julian. Oh, yeah, she could get used to that sound.
“No, Starburst. This is my own recipe, and I left it in the oven so it would be warm when we got back. Anytime Addy visits, she begs me to make it. When we were little, she’d want it for her birthday dinner every year. My vegetable lasagna is a close second.”
“It looks amazing. I’ve never had macaroni and cheese that wasn’t from a box. My mom wasn’t into cooking.” Sam left out the part that she was usually passed out drunk or high and didn’t feed her daughter at all.
She took the first bite and couldn’t hold back the moan that escaped from her lips. Perfect creamy cheese sauce clung to every tender noodle and buttery crumb topping. She closed her eyes, memorizing the taste. “This is the best thing I’ve ever eaten. Holy crap, Julian, you could open a restaurant and serve just this and make a killing.”
Julian sat a bit taller. “Glad you like it, and there’s more for seconds and thirds if you’d like.”
She did end up having seconds, and her stomach was full to capacity by the time Julian collected their bowls and brought them into the kitchen. When he returned to the living room, he sat close and pulled her onto his lap.
“You and your sister sound close.” She rested the side of her head on his chest, and the steady rhythm of his heart thumped against her cheek. It wasn’t a good idea, seeking comfort from Julian. Things could never work between them. She was the daughter of a United States traitor.
“She’s been the most constant influence in my life. We’re fraternal twins, but she got the big brains. I tease her about being a nerd, but damn, is she smart. She’s an anthropologist. The work takes her to some of the most remote places in the world to study indigenous cultures. Worry like hell about her, but she’s resourceful.” The love in his voice was audible. She was glad he had that connection growing up. Brynn had mentioned Julian didn’t have the best childhood, either. Maybe that was something else they had in common—not that he’d be able to relate or even comprehend what her father had done.
“I guess talking about galaxies and their potential cultures really stuck.” She snuggled closer, loving how the soft material of his shirt brushed her skin and how his fresh scent wrapped around her. She really shouldn’t, but the day had been so awful, she wanted to take what Julian was offering.
“Yeah, she wants to learn everything there is to know about the people on Earth. Says the more we know, the more we can understand each other, and the more we can share our environment in peace.”
“She does sound smart,” she said quietly.
“She is. You’re going to love her, and she’ll love you.”
Sam turned over Julian’s words. She’d probably never meet Addy, but it was sweet for him to think there would be some sort of long-term friendship between them. He held her on his lap for a while, and she soaked in the comfort of his solid body supporting her weight. He was holding her snugly against him, one arm around her waist and one beneath her knees, cradling her. The tender way he embraced her made it seem like he didn’t want to let go. Every so often, he drew in a long breath with his nose buried in her hair, and let out an appreciative sigh.
“Want to talk about work today?” he gently probed.
The warmth emanating from his body was so soothing, like being tucked into a cozy nest. “Her name was Kiley.” Her voice nearly broke.
Julian tensed beneath her, then relaxed but held her more tightly. He seemed to instinctually know what she needed. “Only seven years old. Loved Taylor Swift, the color purple, and unicorns. She was waiting on a heart transplant that never came, and eventually, so much time had passed that her body was too weak for any kind of surgery. She died today. A stuffed unicorn in her arms, surrounded by her parents and brother, listening to me sing her favorite song: ‘Cardigan.’”
“Fuck, baby,” he whispered, his voice anguished and laced with empathy.
“I’ve experienced the same heartbreaking scene many times, but it never gets easier. I never forget any of them.” A tear spilled over her cheek for Kiley, for the others before her. When she sang to them in their final moments, a part of her soul wound into the words, and when they passed, they took that piece of her with them. Julian leaned in, brushing his lips over her skin, kissing the tear from her face. Julian had no idea how much love and warmth was locked up inside him. Brynn had told her about her fiancé’s friend—the one who took the longest to win over. She couldn’t believe she’d been talking about Julian.
He had demons in his past. Maybe someday he’d trust her enough to share them. If she could give him an ounce of the comfort he’d shown her, she’d be grateful.
“When I first saw you on stage at the bar, I thought you looked like a pretty little angel perched up on that stool, singing away the problems of the world.” His warm breath tickled her ear, and goose bumps broke out over her arms. “I have no doubt that you ease the transition for those kids. Bring some peace and reprieve to their families. What you do is important, Sam. It’s something that many people would be uncomfortable doing. Hell, I’ve witnessed my share of death, but I honestly don’t know if I could handle the emotional torment of seeing a parent’s final moments with their child. The grief and pain you’re surrounded with is its own kind of trauma. Do you see anyone? Talk to a therapist after a loss?”
“I’m not opposed to therapists or therapy. I know the hospital has someone on staff for employees to access. It’s just not something I’ve done before.” She angled her body and placed her hand against his cheek. Smooth skin fell under her fingertips while the coarse hair of his beard rested against her palm. “This.” Their eyes were locked as a torrent of emotion passed between them. “You holding me, letting me feel the sorrow and loss, listening to me talk about Kiley is the best medicine.”
“Except for my sister, Addy, I’ve never wanted an emotional connection with a woman. Never felt like I could handle the uncertainty of handing a piece of myself over to another only to watch them shatter it. With you, though, I want to try. You’re a good person, Sam. Honest. Kind. Selfless—”
“You don’t know that. There are things you don’t know about me. Things I’m not ready to share. I don’t want you forming an image about the person I am because I’ll never live up to it.”
“I’ve seen enough. The night we went to the diner, the waitress didn’t come over for a good ten minutes. You could tell the poor woman was stressed, and instead of being annoyed with the wait, you gave her kind words. You saved my brother’s woman, and in doing so, you saved him, too. I could keep going, but I can tell whatever happened in your past isn’t going to allow you to believe my words. When you’re ready, I want you to hand that shit over to me so we can work through it together.”
She closed her eyes, desperately wanting to believe Julian’s words. He held her there for several more minutes while she soaked in the strength of his embrace.
“As much as I want to keep you longer, I should take you to pick up Angel. Let me pack up the mac and cheese, and then we’ll head out.”
“Thank you for everything you did for me today. I’ve never felt more cared for than I do now.” No truer words had ever been spoken. After her dad enlisted, her mom shut down. If she was sick, no one would take her temperature or fuss over her with chicken noodle soup. She was on her own. At least then, she’d had a couple neighborhood friends. Once her father was arrested and incarcerated, rumors began flying about her family. No one wanted to be friends with her then. She was relentlessly picked on by kids and adults alike.
When she looked up, Julian had a frown on his face. “Hate that for you, Starburst. I don’t know how it’s possible that you haven’t been packaged up in love your whole life. You’re not alone anymore, though. You have Brynn and the guys, and you have me. I don’t know if I can be in a relationship and not fuck things up because I’ve never been in one before, but I’m going to try like hell not to. And if things don’t work out between us, you’ll still have my team to look out for you. Those friendships have nothing to do with me and you.”
“You want to be in a relationship with me?” The day had been so full of ups and downs, her mind was spinning. Julian didn’t know what he was getting into, and it wasn’t fair to begin anything before he knew who she really was.
“Yeah, Sam. I do.”
“I can’t start something with you before you know about my past. It wouldn’t be right.”
“See. That’s what I mean. You don’t have it in you to be deceitful. You can tell me when you’re ready, but I’ll take my chances.” He kissed her on the temple, then stood with her in his arms and set her back on the couch. Julian went back into the kitchen, and she walked to the front of the apartment, and slipped on her heeled boots. They were getting worn around the soles but were too comfortable to get rid of.
“Ready?” Julian came around the corner with a casserole dish in one hand and his keys in the other.
“Yes, but you shouldn’t give me your mac and cheese. A lot of hard work went into that.”
“I made it for you. Besides, I like the idea of you coming home after a long day and eating something I cooked. You can freeze half and put the other half in the fridge, so it keeps.”
She went up on her tippy toes and kissed him, dragging her tongue across the seam of his lips. She swallowed the deep groan that reverberated through him, the vibration shaking something loose inside her. His tongue met hers as he leaned in to deepen the kiss, and one arm went around her waist, hauling her close. The key ring in his hand jingled against her back as he continued to devour her. By the time he pulled back, they were both breathing hard. Then he kissed her nose, cheeks, and eyelids, making the air bottle up in her lungs.
He stared down at her, hunger visible in his eyes. Then he stepped around her and opened the front door. “Out, woman, or all my good intentions will be shot to hell.”
He gave her bottom a playful swat as she walked by, and she giggled. Julian was right. Those moments they spent together that first night between their bouts of lovemaking were easy, fun. She wanted more of that. So much she was afraid to wish for it. She’d done her best to become a person she could be proud of, but she still had so many reservations about where she came from. She hadn’t been enough reason for her father to stay out of trouble. Hadn’t been enough of a reason for her mother to keep clean. If she couldn’t make her own parents love and care for her, she had little hope that whatever infatuation Julian had with her would last.
Still, she was soaking up his affection while it was available to her, for however long.