Chapter Eight
S am opened the door to the hospital and sucked in the fresh coastal air. She scanned the parking lot and spotted Julian backed into a space close to the door. He gave her a wave, then jumped out to meet her halfway. She’d didn’t have much relationship experience, but she had enough to know that the way Julian showed he cared was rare. They were both wading through uncharted territory, but sometime between when he showed up early this morning to change her burnt-out light bulb to when she opened the lunch he’d packed for her—complete with a caricature of her and Angel—she decided to come clean about her past. If she waited and told him when she was in any deeper, and he recognized that she wasn’t worth the trouble, her heart would break.
“Hey,” he said, leaning in to kiss her forehead. “How was your day?”
“Busy, but nothing near as difficult as yesterday. Just a lot of new patients and requests for music therapy. Tomorrow I’m off at the hospital, but I have five clients through the early intervention program I work for part-time. How was yours?” she asked as they walked toward the truck.
“Ransom busted our asses this morning during our workout. Says he’s getting soft because of all the baking Brynn and Jacob do, so the rest of us had to suffer with him.” He opened the truck door for her and kept his hands hovering around her waist as she climbed up. She buckled as he got behind the wheel. “I spoke with the mechanic about your car.”
She bit her bottom lip between her teeth. “Any idea how much it would be to replace the transmission?”
“Unfortunately, he confirmed what I suspected. About five grand.” Julian pulled out of the parking spot. “Your tires are also due for a replacement, and your brake pads need to be changed.” He put his directional on and drove out onto the main road.
She swallowed down the lump in her throat. The last thing she wanted was to seem ungrateful for all Julian had done, from taking her car to getting estimates on the cost, but she wanted to burst into tears.
“The repairs would far exceed the value of the car. Iron, the mechanic who’s also a former SEAL, said he could get about a thousand for your current vehicle, and then you can put it toward a new or used car. He’s having his guys drop off a rental at your place, might even be there already. You can use it until you decide.”
She could feel the heat tingling in her cheeks, prickling up to her ears. There was no money available in her savings to cover the rental cost. “Will he bill me for the rental, or do you need a credit card?” Please say credit card. Although, between some recent vet bills for Angel and repairs to her furnace, there might not be much credit left, either.
“I never would’ve reserved a rental if it was going to cost you, especially without speaking to you first. This one is an emergency loaner, and it’s nothing fancy, but it’s safe, and it will get you from point A to point B.”
“I don’t understand. Why would the mechanic let me borrow a rental free of charge?”
“Like I said, Iron is a former SEAL, and we’ve helped each other out a time or two in the past. He knows you are important to me, so by extension, he’s happy to help you as well.”
There was a flutter in her belly. He knows you are important to me. Warmth seeped through her chest, then was quickly doused with a shock of cold as her mind went to another boy who’d said kind words and then betrayed her trust. Sam glanced at Julian. His back was straight, eyes focused on the road ahead, nothing to indicate he was joking. She’d learned the hard way, though, that if things were too good, they probably weren’t real.
“Are you messing with me?” She cringed at the hollowness of her voice. Might as well tape a sign to her forehead that said “easy target.”
His head flinched back. “Messing with you? About what?”
“About the rental car and your friend letting me borrow it.” She folded her hands in her lap as her stomach churned. The sandwich, potato chips, and cookie Julian had packed her roiled in her belly. Julian was too good to be true. Never mind the rental car.
His mouth opened like he was going to speak, then he closed it. After a few moments, Julian puffed out his cheeks and released the air. “That would be a really shitty thing to joke about.”
“It’s just… It seems hard to believe someone would go out of their way to help a stranger. It’s not only the rental car. It’s you, too. You’ve given me more thought and kindness in the past twenty-four hours than I’ve had my whole life—and that’s after I treated you terribly at Brynn’s house. Did she mention what my father did? I wouldn’t blame her. I’d be pissed, too. So if this is some kind of joke in retaliation—”
“Sam, stop,” Julian demanded. “I’m trying not to take offense to the words coming out of your mouth by reminding myself that if you believe I’m being nice to trick you, you’ve been through some fucked-up shit.” He took a few long breaths before continuing. “I didn’t decide overnight that I wanted to be with you. Two months ago, when I woke up to an empty bed, the sense of loss I felt, like I’d let something precious slip out of my grasp, gutted me. For over sixty days, I thought of you, and when I heard your voice in the foyer of Ransom’s place, I knew if I didn’t try to talk to you, it would be the biggest mistake I ever made. I showed up with a sandwich and made you dinner because I wanted to. Because I like the person you are a hell of a lot.”
Sam’s gaze clouded. Part of her felt the conviction in Julian’s voice while the other more bruised part of her was remembering the boy who broke some of her spirit, not because she’d loved him, but because he’d concocted a cruel plan that lasted over a month and ended with her being publicly humiliated.
“If I tell you I’m going to be somewhere or do something, that’s what’s going to happen,” Julian continued. “I don’t know who your friends were in the past or what relationships you’ve had or who you’ve relied on, but baby, I’m telling you right now, if someone tries to deceive you at your expense for some kind of laugh, you haul ass out of there.”
“I learned that lesson the hard way. It makes you feel sick inside to be the object of a joke. When you know everyone is laughing at your stupidity, and you wish they could see how hard you were trying to hold it together. How much it hurt.” She was so engrossed in their conversation that she hadn’t realized they’d driven onto her street. He jerked over to the sidewalk and threw the car in park. One moment she was sitting in the passenger seat. The next, he unbuckled her seat belt and slid her over the bench. He angled his body, cupping her face.
“No one will disrespect you when you are with me and get away with it. My team and I might be rough around the edges, blunt, and not the best at sharing emotions, but I know we would never get off on hurting someone emotionally or physically. Sometimes on a mission, taking a life so others can be spared is necessary, but there’s no perverse pleasure in doing so. I can’t sit here and tell you I won’t fuck up and accidentally hurt your feelings or piss you off, but I expect you to call me out so I can fix it.”
“I’m sorry. I had no right to accuse you of anything. When we get to my house, do you have time to come inside and talk? There are some things I’d like to tell you sooner rather than later.”
He leaned in and kissed her forehead. “You don’t have to be sorry for anything. You were trying to protect yourself. I do the same, always thinking the worst of people, so I’m not disappointed or caught off guard. A form of self-preservation. With you, though, that need to uncover your darkest secrets to prove myself right, to find an excuse to push you away isn’t there. Being with you settles something inside of me. I’m more than ready to listen if you’re ready to share, but there’s no rush.”
“Julian.” This man was ruining her for all others. Making the defenses she’d built up crack. When he reached across her and drew the center seat belt over her lap, those walls fractured a bit more. She had to remind herself that he didn’t know about her past. Things might change, and she’d have to brace for the impact. Julian started to drive with one hand on the steering wheel, and the other slung around her shoulders.
Fred had a doctor’s appointment today, so Angel stayed home. She was typically very well-behaved, but it was nice for her to have the company of Fred, who peppered her with attention and snacks. When her house came into view, she drew in a quick breath. There were two cars parked in the driveway. One was a newer model four-door sedan, which might’ve been the rental car, but it was her mother’s rusted hatchback that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand straight up.
“You know who that car belongs to?” Julian’s posture had stiffened as he scanned the area.
“My mother. If she’s here, now’s not going to be the best time to talk. Will you drop me off? I’ll give you a call later.”
“I can feel the anxiety pulsing off you, so no, I’m not going to leave you in the driveway and go.”
Sam bit down hard on her lip, and the metallic tang of blood trickled into her mouth. She didn’t want Julian to meet her mother. Didn’t want him to know the type of people she came from. Her mother was slumped at the front door, slouched against the frame with her feet planted on the first stair. Plumes of smoke came from a cigarette hanging between her lips. If the pile of burned-out filters was any indication, she’d been waiting there for a while. Waiting made her especially nasty. She couldn’t tell from here, but it was a fair assessment by her posture, like she’d melted against the door and slid down, that she was high.
“I don’t want you to see this.” She couldn’t stop the shake that worked its way into her voice. “I don’t want you to see the dysfunction I come from.”
“Your mother is not a reflection of who you are. No one is. Let’s see what she needs so we can get on with our night.”
She cast a final pleading look at Julian as he parked the car and got out. He rounded the hood of the truck and opened her door. She warred between not wanting to move from her safe spot in Julian’s truck to be desperate to get this interaction over with.
“I’m right here with you. Whatever you need.” He leaned in close, and his low voice tickled the crook of her neck, and shivers shot down her spine. She’d almost forgotten about her mother’s intrusion until she heard her rough, cigarette-scorched snarl.
“About fucking time.” Her mother made no effort to move from her supine position. Julian gave her hand a gentle squeeze, despite the rigidity of his physique, and lifted her from the cab. His jaw was clenched, and his neck muscles were corded tight as he took in her mother. She had on torn capris that revealed heavily bruised legs. Her long, dark hair was tangled, as though she hadn’t brushed it or bathed in weeks. Her skin showed the telltale signs of hard living, from the pocked skin of her face that was swollen from too much alcohol to her bloodshot eyes that swam with hate when they landed on her.
“You’ve been holding out on me. Whining that you weren’t gonna pay for my rehab, yet you’ve got a brand-new goddamn car sitting in the driveway.” With a shaking hand, she took the cigarette out of her mouth and spit on the ground, not even noticing when she shifted, dragging her leg through the phlegm. “See, you’ve hooked yourself up with a good-looking man. You think a girl that’s as plain as you is going to hold his attention?” Her mother wrinkled her nose, then laughed. “Or maybe you’re just putting out for money. No better than a working girl.”
Julian growled and stepped in front of her. “You will not come to Sam’s house uninvited and disrespect her.”
Sam’s mom tossed her head back and cackled. “So you’ve got yourself a white knight. Does he know you’re trash? Does he know your father is in prison for terrorism? Does he know that boy took you to prom and slept with you just for a laugh? You’ve always thought you were goddamn better than me, but you were nothing. Shocked yet?” Her last statement was directed at Julian. Sam’s heart bottomed out into her stomach. This was not how she wanted him to learn about her darkest, most shameful secrets. Fury radiated off Julian’s body, but his expression had gone blank. She was going to be sick right there in the driveway.
“I’ll tell you what’s shocking.” There was a deadly ice to his tone that she’d never heard before. “What’s shocking is that Sam still refers to you as her mother, despite the vile shit you’re spewing about your kid. What’s shocking is that such a compassionate, beautiful, and talented woman—because that’s exactly who Sam is—was spawned from a life-form as deplorable as you. I won’t tell you again, so make sure you’re listening. You don’t get to come here and insult my woman. I will do my damnedest to convince her to file a restraining order, so if you step foot anywhere near here, your ass is getting hauled to jail. You’re going to get off her front steps, clear away your mess,” he said, gesturing to the cigarette butts, “and get the hell out of here.”
His woman? Some women might be defensive of his claim, but she’d never belonged with anyone before, and if he meant what he said, that meant he was hers, too. His words dissolved part of the knot that was twisting in her stomach. Her mother changed tactics and made her chin wobble. Turned on the waterworks. God, she was sick of this. Her mom showing up at random intervals and turning her life upside down was one of the reasons she kept herself isolated. After all Julian had heard about her screwed-up past, she couldn’t believe he was still standing in the driveway, let alone defending her. And how messed up was that? The man she’d seen for a handful of days had to shield her against her own mother.
“I’m sorry, baby,” she wailed. “It’s just been a tough day, and when you weren’t here when I needed you, I got upset. I need to borrow money.”
“It’s never just borrowing.” Her voice was quiet, but there was a strength that hadn’t been there before. One that came from Julian having her back. From believing in her. Even her mother, in her intoxicated state, looked shocked by her tone. “If I recovered every dollar I’ve ever given to you, I’d be rich. What about the money I gave you for rehab? The one that’s supposed to be a four-week program? And yet you’re here at my home, looking for more.” She hadn’t been shouting or even yelling, but Sam was breathing hard as she fought for some semblance of calm. Julian was still near her, but he was speaking to someone on his phone.
“It’s not like you can’t afford it. You work every damn day. I had an emergency. Had to use the cash for rehab to pay off a loan. It wasn’t enough, so I had to borrow from someone else. I’ve gotten myself into a bind, Sam. If I can’t pay it back by the end of the month, they’re going to kill me.” She tried to stand from the front steps and swayed on her feet.
“The end of the month?” Her mother always had some elaborate story about why she needed money and what would happen if she didn’t have it, but this was so far-fetched it just might be true. “Halloween is next weekend. It is the end of the month. You begged me for that rehab money despite me telling you how tight things were then, but you kept showing up until I caved, and now I can’t even make ends meet.”
“You owe me!” Her mother staggered down the first step. “I put a roof over your head and kept you clothed while your father was overseas. And when he finally came back to us, you fucked things up. Ratted out your own father. You’re the reason my life is garbage. You’re the reason your father couldn’t stand to be at home with all of your crying and whining. Never would’ve sold government secrets for money if you hadn’t needed so damn much—”
“So much?” Sam breathed as the pain tightened around her midsection. “Sometimes I wonder how I got by on so little. The only clothes I got were from the school nurse who had a daughter a few years older than me and gave me her hand-me-downs. On Fridays she’d give me snacks so I could make it through the weekend without school lunch, which was usually my only meal of the day. After six, we never had a Christmas, not once. When I asked why we didn’t celebrate like the other kids, you told me Santa Claus hated me.” She was gasping for air, tears streaming down her cheeks, on the verge of a full-blown panic attack, when the weight of Julian’s hand gripped her shoulder in support.
“Breathe, Starburst,” he said in a low voice for only her to hear. Her mother was stumbling down the driveway toward them, and once again, Julian tucked her behind him. “Go inside and take care of Angel, yeah? She’s barking her head off.”
“I don’t want to leave you here to deal with this. It’s not fair.” She was close to breaking and didn’t want her mother to see her sobbing more than she already had. Didn’t want to see her satisfied smile at her daughter’s pain.
“Life’s not fair, as evidenced by the shit hand you were dealt in the mother department. Don’t worry. I’ll be in soon. Please, go inside.”
When Sam stepped toward the door, her mother charged, but Julian was there to grab her upper arm, holding her in place.
“Let me go. You’re hurting me,” her mother screeched and thrashed.
“I gave you a chance to leave. That chance is gone now.” His voice was cold and remote.
“You don’t understand,” she cried, tearing at her hair with her free hand. “They’re going to kill me, and it will be your fault,” she screamed at Sam. “You’ll not only be responsible for putting your father in prison and destroying my life, but my blood will be on your hands, you ungrateful fucking brat.”
A siren flared in the distance, and her mother blanched. “Calling the cops on your own mother? Well, you’re dead to me. Dead!”
“I called the cops. The best place for you is in a cell, so you’re not dangerous to yourself or others.”
When the police officer approached, her mother went after him, trying to spit and scratch as he got close. As much as she hated her mother at the moment, a sick sensation churned in her belly. Her mother was past the point of return—something was broken inside her. Julian exchanged a few hushed words with the officer, still holding on to her mother’s arm. After a minute, the officer drew out his silver cuffs, put them on her mother, then put her in the back seat of the cruiser.
Julian turned toward her when they’d finally driven off, his arms outstretched. It took her a moment to realize he was waiting for her. By some miracle, Julian was still standing here, supporting her. Or maybe it wasn’t a miracle, but the strength of Julian’s character. A jolt struck her, dislodging some of the pain she’d carried for years, and in its place, a bloom of hope unfurled. She’d punished herself for years for her father’s actions and her mother’s callous attitude toward her, but Julian’s support lightened something within her. She ran forward and crashed into the barrier of his chest. His arms enfolded her, blocking out the world, creating a safe haven. Maybe it was the haven she needed to heal. To leave her past behind.