Chapter Nine
J ulian was trying to lock down the rage choking him. He clenched his trembling hands into fists. Sam had taken Angel outside on her leash, which was giving him a few precious minutes to rid himself of the pounding in his ears. He was a SEAL—having immense self-control was not only ingrained in every fiber of his being, but essential to survival. He had the ability to block out all emotion before an op, but standing in Sam’s driveway as her mother berated her was too much. Maybe it was because of the way his own mother left her two children. The way his maternal grandmother was always telling them it was their fault she’d left.
More likely, though, it was his growing feelings for Sam. For the peace that washed over him when she was close. The fulfillment he got from simply taking care of her, like packing her a lunch for work. Her appreciation was palpable, and it made him want to spoil her. The sliding glass door behind him opened, and Sam walked Angel into the house and unclipped her leash. Angel ran up to him, standing up on her hind legs, hopping up and down for attention. He gave in and picked her up and, like she had the first time, the dog wiggled up to bathe his face in kisses. After a few moments of indulging the dog, he handed her off to Sam.
“I’m going to pour you a glass of water, then if you’re feeling up to it still, we can sit and talk. Okay?” He smoothed his hand down the side of her head, memorizing the silk of her hair against his skin.
“Thanks. I’m sorry. I should’ve offered you something first.” Her gaze dropped to the floor.
“No, you shouldn’t have.” He gently tilted her chin up, so they were eye to eye. “Let me take care of you.”
“You seem to be the one giving all the care in this relationship.”
“You give me more than you know.” He couldn’t seem to tear his gaze from the fluttering pulse at the base of her neck. Wanted to taste the delicate skin there, with the knowledge that he made her heart race just as she did to him. “Your smile, knowing you’re all right settles a part of me that has been restless my whole life.” He leaned in and kissed her forehead before turning to the small kitchen. After taking a glass from the cabinets, he pulled open the fridge, and his idea of making her dinner here died. There was nothing but a gallon jug of water, a couple of condiments, and single container of yogurt. He cursed her mother under his breath. Sam was literally surviving on scraps in hopes her mother could get clean in rehab. Money that she’d squandered so fast she was already back looking for more.
He poured a glass of water and returned the jug to the paltry refrigerator, then took out his phone. If he asked her about ordering in, she’d protest, but there was no way in hell he was leaving her until she’d eaten dinner and had some leftovers in her refrigerator. He clicked on the delivery app and placed an order with a hibachi restaurant that was consistently great, getting a bit of everything because he wasn’t sure what she liked. With that done, he went back to the living room and passed her the water. There was a pang in his heart when an all-too-familiar appreciation flooded her eyes. Now that he’d seen who had raised her, he understood the excessive gratitude better.
Once she was done drinking, he took the glass from her and placed it on the coffee table. The delicate skin beneath those beautiful warm eyes was shadowed and her face was still far too pale. He draped the throw blanket over her and Angel, who was quietly sleeping on her chest, and lifted them both onto his lap. Peace settled through him. The weight of her, soft and warm, in his lap was soothing. He’d dispatched many who meant harm to innocents and send his country to hell. Had seen some of the most grotesque results of war and the remnants of the acts of pure evil. With Sam in his arms, though, he was reminded of what he was fighting for. He indulged himself, nuzzling the soft strands of hair and breathing in her scent.
“Are you smelling me again?” Despite everything that had gone down when they arrived at her house, he heard the smile in her voice. So damn resilient.
“Yep. Get used to it. You smell like raspberries and white chocolate, and I’m a sucker sweets.”
“I’m kind of shocked you’re still sitting here after the things you heard.”
“And you heard what I said back to her. You are compassionate, talented, and gorgeous. After being raised by her, you’re a fucking miracle. She was spouting off some deplorable things, Sam, but the only thing I’m concerned about right now is you. If you’re okay.”
She looked up at him, eyes glazed with tears. “You’re going to destroy me,” she murmured.
“I won’t ask you to trust me. I’ll keep showing you until you know without a doubt in your soul that I care about you. This is new for me, too, and aside from Brynn and Ransom, I don’t have a lot of good examples of strong relationships. I come from a broken home, too. My dad was in the Army and on one of his deployments, my mom left. She sold anything of value and walked out the front door after telling us that we were the worst mistakes of her life. Not to expect her back. Addy was crushed. I was…numb.”
“Oh, God, Julian.” She cupped his face, smoothing her thumbs over his cheeks. “You could never be a mistake. Or your sister. I don’t know why some people are the way they are, but your mother, mine, they’re both sick inside. They have some want or need that can never be filled. That hollowness infects them, and they can only think of the things they don’t have as opposed to opening their eyes to see all they do have.”
“I never thought of it that way. Growing up at least. My mom’s mother was still in the picture, although she was nearly as bad at being a grandmother as her daughter was at being a mom. She always said I was the reason her daughter left. That I was selfish and my mother would rather die than come home to face the fact that I’d amount to nothing.”
Sam scoffed. “And nothing could be further from the truth. You’re a hero. The best of the best. You change lives, make things safe for an entire country. That’s far from nothing.”
“Your mom said that, too. That you’re the reason. I know we talked about that before, when we first met. We’ve both been told terrible, unhealthy things. And there’s no doubt in my mind everything that came out of your mother’s mouth was a lie. She doesn’t have to have power over you, Sam. I’m going to be here. We’re creating something healthy. Something strong between us. No one can touch that—especially the people who did us wrong.”
“Some of it is false, yes. Some of it’s not. My father enlisted when I was six, and my mother was a mess after that. Any time something went wrong, I was the reason. The furnace goes, I’m the reason. Dad taking off with his Army buddies instead of coming home when he had leave, that was me, too. I was the reason. My dad seemed happy with serving at first, and maybe it was a relief not to have to care for a child. Something changed, though. He started seeming more bitter, more unhinged when he came home from deployments. Hated his officers for telling him what to do. Was unhappy with the country. Felt like everything was a conspiracy.” She paused to take a few breaths, and he didn’t rush her to continue. “When I was fifteen, a group from the FBI and Army Counterintelligence unit showed up at our house looking for him. They told us he’d deserted his post and had been providing known terrorists with information on several teams including Special Forces. People died, Julian—men and women like you—because he had no sense of honor. There was always a detail officer parked out front of our house in case he showed up. He eventually did, on my birthday, and snuck past the officer staked outside. I called the police and my mom has hated me ever since for taking him away from her. Knowing he was responsible for dozens of deaths didn’t make a lick of difference to her. All those families that lost someone…it kills me inside.”
“The responsibility for those deaths is not yours to bear. You had to make a difficult decision when you were just a kid, and the fact that you did it despite what your mother thought? Strong as hell.” He dropped his forehead to the top of her head. “Your father might’ve been the cause for those deaths, but you were the reason more were prevented. When your mom says you’re the reason, that’s what she should be referring to. Lives you saved by being the strong one and doing what she couldn’t. That’s not to diminish the way you feel, because that’s a hell of a thing to have eating away at you. No matter how much you despise the people you come from, you are not them. No amount of self-reproach will bring those service members back, and Starburst, you are not the one who should harbor the guilt.”
The tears streaming freely down her face were as precious to him as they were abhorrent. Precious because her tears were tangible proof of her trust in him. Precious because she’d let down her walls for him, and the woman behind them was everything he imagined her to be and more. She’d had to have known there would be terrible consequences to the relationship with her mother and to her own life when she turned in her father, but she’d done it anyway. Courageous. Selfless. Those tears also made acid burn in his gut because of the pain behind them. He never wanted this woman, who was quickly becoming the center of his world, to hurt. Some might say it was fast, and they’d be right, but they didn’t know him or his circumstances. He’d seen it when his teammate fell for Brynn—hard, fast, and honest. It was how they lived and breathed, and it seemed to carry over to their love lives as well.
“You’re the reason, too.” She sniffled. “The reason I’ve gone to bed with a smile on my face the past couple of nights. The reason I feel excited and hopeful about a relationship for the first time ever, despite everything going on around me. The reason I have renewed faith in humanity.”
Her words touched him. He’d never been the reason for anything good. Anything more than someone to place blame on. Sam’s reasons meant something to him, though.
“I never thought I could have a relationship. Never thought I could trust enough. I know things are new between us, but I also know you’re the reason for the shift in me. When you’re in my arms, I have a sense of peace that I’ve never known before. You’re the reason for that, too. The reason I’m falling. And fair warning, Starburst, I’m falling fast. I’m not a man to play games or change my mind once it’s made up.”
Her breath caught and she stilled in his arms. “Julian.” Her voice was breathless, sending a bolt of heat between his hips. His cock stirred and throbbed, keeping time with the blood pulsing through his veins. He needed to lock down his desires. She’d been through too much today. Needed to eat and rest. She wasn’t going to be able to do that with his erection pressing into the back of her jeans.
The doorbell rang, startling them both.
“I should’ve told you that I ordered delivery. Be right back.” He shifted her off his lap, immediately feeling the loss of her comfortable warmth. Angel was at his heels, ready to investigate the visitor at the door. He swung it open and grabbed the takeout bag that was sitting on the stairs. The Grubhub driver was already backing onto the street. After he locked up, he stopped in the kitchen to get plates and forks. The dog bounced and circled as he entered the living room, her keen sense of smell alerting the tiny thing to the food within.
“How many people are you planning on feeding?” Her eyes were wide as she took in the sizable bag. Maybe he had gone a bit overboard, but he didn’t want to leave without Sam having leftovers for later.
“I wasn’t sure what you liked, so I got a little bit of everything.” He sat down on the couch and started unloading things from the takeout bag.
“I’ve never had a bad meal from this place. I got teriyaki chicken and salmon, miso soup, salad, vegetable tempura, crab Rangoon, fried rice, and noodles. This is one of our go-to takeout spots when we return home from a mission.”
“Julian,” she said, shaking her head incredulously. “You can’t keep buying me food. You’re going to go broke.”
“When you spend a lot of time on ops overseas, you appreciate good food after days of MREs and protein bars. The guys and I have spent many nights torturing ourselves talking about what we were going to eat first when we got stateside. I’m a big guy, so when I tell you I can eat, I can eat. I wanted you to have a fighting chance of getting some, too.” Once again his namesake popped into mind. Never had he teased or been playful with a woman, and if he took one to bed, he made sure she knew he wouldn’t be there in the morning.
His life had been so damn serious, so monochromatic before Sam wiggled into his heart with a song and swept his world in her soft, gilded colors. “Besides, feeding you is my pleasure,” he added. Julian passed her a plate and began filling one of his own so she wouldn’t feel shy. The faster he got some nutrients into her, the better. Then he was going to see about getting her into bed for a long, uninterrupted sleep. Though the chance of her mother coming back to retaliate was unlikely, he was apprehensive about leaving. For all he knew she was still in a holding cell at the Virginia Beach police station, but he didn’t want to take that chance. She would never ask him to stay. She was far too independent for that, but if he slept on the couch, maybe she could close her eyes a bit more easily. They ate in comfortable silence, and when Sam refilled her plate, he was happy that he’d ordered so much. She didn’t seem to be picky about anything, but was that her palate or a testament to how often she went without?
Once they were finished their meals, he packaged up the food and put it in the refrigerator, making sure she stayed put on the couch. She protested, telling him it was ridiculous for her to sit on her butt while he did the cleanup. He didn’t mind, though, not one bit. How many times had her mother cooked her dinner? The question bothered him far more than it should. At least he and Addy had each other to lean on in those long first months after his mother had left. They had to learn by trial and error how to take care of themselves, including working the stove and the oven. One thing they’d done to lighten the mood was to have funerals for their scorched and smoking culinary creations, lining them up in the snowy banks outside their small cabin with makeshift gravestones.
Now Addy was off on a remote expedition in Paraguay, documenting the threats to the isolated indigenous people like deforestation and tourists introducing new illnesses. He’d kept every scholarly journal that his sister had contributed to. Even the higher education textbooks she’d had a hand in developing.
When he went back into the living room, he paused. Sam had fallen asleep in a seated position. Angel was curled on her lap and thumped her tail when he appeared. He’d wanted to talk to Sam about another thing her mother had mentioned. The boy who’d allegedly slept with her as some sort of prank. He hoped like hell it wasn’t true. If it was, he planned to locate the man and let him know exactly how despicable he found his actions. Now, though, he was going to focus on giving Sam what she needed. He gathered her up in his arms and carried her into the bedroom with Angel trailing behind. After slipping off her shoes and tucking her under the covers, he got into bed behind her and pulled her close, so her back was against his chest.
For someone who craved the freedom to wander, he was as content as he’d ever been with Sam in his arms.