Chapter 10
Chapter
Ten
August 19 th
6:18 P.M.
“So?”
“So, what?” Connor asked Cooper as his twin dropped down onto the couch beside him.
The last thing he was in the mood for right now was some sort of lecture from one of his brothers.
Or all of them.
Since every single one of them was lounging around his living room looking at him expectantly.
What did they want him to say?
That he’d messed up with Becca to the point where she had literally moved on and planned to spend the rest of her life with another man?
He knew that already.
Talking about it wasn't going to change anything.
At least talking about it with these guys wasn't going to change anything.
The person he needed to talk things through with was currently being driven out to Cade’s cabin by Cade. Becca was the only one who could give him the answers he needed. Who was the man she’d been engaged to? Had he passed away or had one of them ended things? If one of them had ended things, was it her or him? Had she truly loved this person the way she used to love him? How long after they’d broken up had she met this man? How long had he been out of her life?
All of those questions raced around his head along with a hundred others, tormenting him, mocking him, driving him crazy.
Had he lost any chance with her?
Was it already too late?
Everything that he’d told Becca all those years ago was still true. She was his, she owned every part of his body, heart, and soul. There was no other woman for him, he wasn't interested in anyone else. Never had been. She was the other half of him, no one else would ever fit him like she did.
But he couldn’t force her to forgive him and want to be with him again.
Which meant he might have to accept the possibility that it was over.
Truly over.
Not the kind of in-between purgatory that, to him, their relationship had been languishing in these past twelve years. Part of him had always known he was going to go back to her at some point. All he had to do was manage his guilt and shame before he could face her again.
“You don’t have anything to say?” Cole asked. “Because you all had plenty to say a couple of weeks ago when my relationship with Susanna was just getting started.”
“That was different,” Connor protested.
“Why? Because I acted like the world’s worst jerk for three years with a bunch of completely unfounded accusations that I kept throwing at her because I wouldn't let go of the damage my ex caused?” Cole asked. “We all know that when it comes to jerkiness you're the one who treated their partner way worse than I ever did.”
Even though he knew that, accepted it, Connor still flinched at the words.
“We know you left her, Connor,” Jake reminded him. “We all know what went down, you never lied about it, never hid it from us.”
That was true.
His worst actions and words had never been ones he kept to himself.
After driving around for hours that night before realizing he could absolutely support the woman he loved and raise her rapist’s baby with her if that was what she chose to do, he’d returned to their apartment to find her gone. When calling her family confirmed Becca was with them but that she refused to have any contact with him, he’d gone right to his own family.
At the time, they’d been spread throughout the world. He’d been the only one to go to college, the others had all jumped right into military careers, which is what he’d done after losing Becca. But despite the physical distances between them, every one of his brothers and his baby sister had all been there for him. They’d called him out, expressed their disappointment, and told him that he had to go and fix things.
Advice he’d ignored.
And now it was too late.
“She told me the baby was mine,” he admitted. Saying those words out loud made them feel so much more real. He’d had a son, a little boy he never got to hold, never got to tell that he loved. Knowing Becca had been without him when she lost their child was a pain that lodged in his chest and he was pretty sure he could never dislodge.
Didn't deserve to dislodge it.
What he deserved was to suffer the same pain Becca must have suffered in those moments when she realized she was losing her baby for the rest of eternity.
“She lost it,” he added. The pain in his chest was too much, and he lifted a hand and pressed it above his heart as though that could ease it. But it couldn’t. Nothing could.
“I’m sorry, Connor,” Cooper said gently, reaching out to clasp his shoulder and squeezing it.
“That sucks, man,” Jax said. “I’m sorry you both lost your baby.”
“A boy,” he said softly. “A son. I walked away from her because I didn't think I could handle raising her rapist’s baby. I walked away for nothing. I walked away from the woman I love and our child.”
“That’s not true,” Jake told him.
“Pretty sure it is.”
“You walked away because you never took a breath that whole four months. You kept everything in, refused to allow yourself a single feeling or emotion because you were so focused on Becca,” Jake said.
“She’d been raped. She had physical injuries and her foot amputated because the doctors couldn’t save it. Of course my focus was on her, she needed me. Was I supposed to prioritize myself over her?” What was he supposed to do? Leave her alone and go and have his own little pity party?
“No, that’s not what you were supposed to do,” Jake said in a voice that sounded exactly like Cade’s would have. Both Cade and Jake were a lot alike, both gruff, both intimidating, both told it like it was without holding back. “You were supposed to make sure you were taking care of yourself so you could keep taking care of Becca. You loved her, we all know that, she knew that. You were there for her one hundred percent. She needed you and you didn't shy away from giving her whatever she needed. But you didn't do the same for yourself. You bottled everything up when you could have spoken to me, Jax, Cade, Cooper, or Cole. Could have spoken to Cassandra. Could have let out the emotions that were eating you alive.”
It was easy to say in hindsight that he could have—should have—done exactly that. But, in that moment, all he’d been able to think about was Becca. He hadn't just come a distant second or even last, he hadn't even been in contention, nothing had. Just her.
“He’s right,” Cooper agreed. “You weren't taking care of yourself, and that was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. You realized you were wrong and went back.”
“Too late. I went back too late.”
“Is it really too late?” Jax asked. “I saw how she was while she was here. She kept sneaking glances over at you like she needed to check you were still there.”
“Looked at you like she wanted to glue herself to your side,” Cole added.
“Wishful thinking there, bro,” Connor said, sure both were wrong. He’d asked Becca if she could give him another chance and she hadn't said she could or would. It was hard not to believe that what happened on the plane, her letting him comfort her, was anything but a fluke.
“I don’t think so,” Jax contradicted.
A weary sigh heaved its way out of his chest, and Connor let his head dip until it rested in his hands. It had taken everything left in him not to demand to be the one to drive Becca out to the cabin and spend that last little bit of time with her. But she hadn't asked him to, and she seemed comfortable with Susanna and Willow, so when the two women had offered to go along for the drive he hadn't spoken up.
Neither had Becca.
“Look, she told me she’d been engaged, okay? I think it’s pretty clear that she’s moved on, and honestly, I don’t deserve a second chance anyway.” It sucked saying that, but it was absolutely the truth.
“Did I deserve a chance with Susanna after how badly I treated her?” Cole asked. If there was one thing you could say about the Charleston brothers, it was that none of them shied away from admitting when they’d done the wrong thing.
“What Cole is saying is that love isn’t always logical,” Cooper said. “I fell for Willow quicker than I could ever have believed you could develop feelings for another person. But when it’s right, it’s right, and whatever obstacles get in the way, no matter how big and seemingly insurmountable they are, you can find a way over them, or through them.”
Normally he would agree with that.
But the obstacles he’d placed between himself and Becca were so big that he didn't believe there was space to squeeze anywhere around them, over them, beneath them, or even through them.
August 20 th
8:54 A.M.
It was beautiful out there.
Becca knew she’d made the right choice in agreeing to stay at Cade’s cabin.
It would have been so easy to keep her distance from the entire Charleston Holloway family, to insist that while she agreed she might be in danger and needed protection, someone else could do it.
There wasn't a doubt in her mind that if she had insisted she wanted nothing to do with any of them, they would have set her up with someone else from Prey to play bodyguard. No one in the family would ever seek to control her or force her to do something she wasn't comfortable with.
But that was the thing.
She was comfortable with the family.
For most of her life, she’d thought that one day they would be her family.
It had always seemed like a foregone conclusion because she’d loved Connor, and he’d loved her back. Why wouldn't they wind up happily living out the rest of their lives side by side? There was no way she could have guessed what the future held for her.
Despite the … uneasiness … between her and Connor, as soon as she saw his brothers, it felt like no time had passed. They’d all slipped back so easily into the relationships they’d had back then. They were like more siblings, they made her life better, and she truly wished she hadn't cut them out of her life along with Connor.
Maybe at first, she’d needed the distance, but once the pain of betrayal had dulled she could have reached out and re-established contact. It wouldn't have been fair to Connor though. It would have been asking his own family to choose between the two of them, and she would never have done anything to take away his support system. He loved his family, and he’d needed them because even in the darkest days of her pain, she’d known that her rape had affected him, too. She’d had a support system, and he’d had his own. Back then, it had been best to keep them separate, but now …
Now she wasn't sure.
Now she didn't want to let any of those men go again. She wanted their friendship back and she already liked Willow, Susanna, and little Essie’s nanny, Gabriella. They were all women she could see herself being friends with, and they loved the Charleston Holloway family as much as she did.
Would it be fair to keep in contact with Connor’s family regardless of what happened between the two of them?
Did she even know what she wanted to happen?
Scooping up her cup of coffee, Becca stood and headed out the kitchen door to the wraparound porch. Immediately, warm air wrapped around her like a soothing blanket. It was the perfect temperature, not too hot, but cozily warm. Later this afternoon she might rethink that once the temperature heated up, but for now, it was lovely out.
A gentle breeze sent her loose hair fluttering around her face as she headed for a huge porch swing and cuddled into it. She tucked her legs up beneath her and looked out into the trees surrounding the cabin, birds chattered, and she’d spotted a deer while eating breakfast. Butterflies and dragonflies danced about, and she could see bees buzzing around the flowers that dotted the landscape, turning it into a colorful living painting.
Tears blurred her eyes.
Here she was, sitting safe and sound in an adorable little cabin, in the middle of a picture-perfect landscape, knowing that people she trusted were monitoring the security systems in case anyone found out where she was staying.
All while her best friend in the whole world was out there somewhere hurting.
Where was Isabella?
Had she been hurt physically?
Raped?
What were the plans of the men who had taken her?
Were they going to traffic her to someone who would keep her prisoner and abuse her until they eventually killed her?
Of course, they were.
Becca didn't make a move to stop the tears that tumbled free, rolling down her cheeks.
There would be no point in abducting Izzy if they were going to let her go. They weren't. They’d taken her to traffic her, there was no other plausible reason.
And Isabella would fight them.
Her best friend was a four foot eleven tornado of energy. She was strong, loyal, and determined. Nothing fazed her, she would give anything a try once, and she was fearless.
Fighting the people who took her sounded like it would be a good thing, but in the end, it wouldn't be.
It would only make her captors more determined to break her.
A broken Izzy sounded like an abomination. It went against nature. But that was what would happen. Those men would destroy her, and even if Prey Security were able to find her and rescue her—and she wasn't kidding herself, she knew that was unlikely—Izzy would never be the same again.
That wasn't right.
It wasn't fair.
The only reason the village had been attacked in the first place was because these people Connor and his family were hunting had come after her. If either of them should have been taken it should have been her, not Isabella.
How could she be sitting there worrying about her love life, trying to decide what her answer to Connor’s question would be, when her best friend, who had stood beside her through everything, was out there suffering an unimaginable traumatic ordeal?
What was wrong with her?
Priorities, Becca.
Get them straight.
Did it really matter what her future held, whether Connor would be part of it or not, and if he was in what way, when Izzy was out there suffering?
No, it didn't.
Yet it seemed almost impossible to tear her thoughts away from the man who had always been destined to be hers. Connor hovered constantly at the back of her mind like he’d been there all along, only she couldn’t remember the last time before he showed up in Cambodia that she’d consciously thought of him.
Mostly she’d just shoved him out of her mind because thinking about him was too painful. But these last few days he’d taken up permanent residence inside her head. He’d filled her dreams, and she felt an ache in her chest that had nothing to do with the bruised ribs because he wasn't there with her.
Crazy.
If Izzy could see her all hung up on Connor, her best friend would freak out. Isabella had been such a rock for her throughout everything, and she’d hated Connor for hurting her.
Only … that wasn't quite true. Izzy hadn't really hated anyone, and the only reason she’d been angry with Connor was because Becca herself was. One thing she knew for certain about her best friend was that if she wanted to give Connor another chance, Izzy would be her biggest cheerleader.
Because in the end, that’s what friends did. They supported you, guided you, offered their opinion, and did their best to ensure you didn't make mistakes, but whatever you did, they were there for you. Isabella was the very best friend in the entire world, and she would have supported whatever decision Becca made.
“I’ll find you, Izzy. I swear I’ll keep on those guys at Prey, make sure they don’t give up, anything I have to do, whatever it takes, I promise you, Iz, I won't give up. Not ever. Not for anything,” she vowed.
It didn't matter what the odds were because there was one thing she knew for certain.
Nothing on this earth would have made Isabella give up on her.
Nothing.
If their positions had been reversed, Izzy would do everything in her power to try to find her, even though it was obviously well outside her skillset as a nurse.
She owed her friend the same.
Over the years, Izzy had put into practice the dedication of her friendship. She’d been the support system Becca needed, and when—because her sanity depended on her believing there was hope even if it was only a teeny tiny amount—Izzy came home, she’d do the same.
For now, she was going to have to find a way to deal with being safe while her friend wasn't. There was nothing practical she could do for Isabella except keep checking in with Prey to see if they had updates and offer any information they might need that she might have.
Alone out there all she had was time.
Time to heal and recover.
Time to process what had almost happened in Cambodia.
Time to think about her future and what came next.
And time to think about the man who had stolen her heart the first time she ever met him, long before she even understood what it meant to fall in love and what part he was going to play, if any, in whatever her future looked like.