30. Chapter 30
30
“Oh,” was all she could say.
Pieces of her heart broke off, weakening her, but Taeja tried not to let it show. She went almost all her life waiting for her father to love her. Who was she to expect love from a man?
Oh, just a person who explained her hurt before.
Even if he didn’t love her back, he could’ve said it in a better way.
Damn, her chest was starting to hurt now.
Zain’s lips were moving, but she couldn’t hear what he was saying. She couldn’t see him clearly through her teary vision.
Zain didn’t love her.
She loved this man with a passion, and he didn’t feel the same.
He was still talking as she stood and started walking away. His hand grabbed her wrist, and she yanked it free. Her chest was so tight, it was a struggle to breathe.
Damon. She needed Damon.
She heard Zain yelling again, but she didn’t stop to figure out if he was talking to her. None of his words could hurt more than the ones he just said.
I don’t love you.
She angrily wiped the back of her hand across her eyes as she walked across the road, her heart pounding in her ear. And the music from the DJ. And the chatter of people.
She pushed her way through the crowd, tears blurring her vision. She didn’t know where she was going anymore, she just knew she wanted as much distance as possible between herself and Zain.
She’d heard a lot of hurtful things in her lifetime…
You’re a whore like your mother.
You’re stupid.
You’re not as pretty as you think you are.
But this? This took the whole cake.
“Tae!” Rough hands grabbed her arm. “Yu good?”
She blinked up at the person.
“You good?” he repeated, bringing his brows together.
She opened her mouth, but no words came out. A lump was stuck in her throat. Her throat was dry as sandpaper.
I don’t love you.
Why would Zain want to hurt her this way?
A loud sob tore from her throat. Her legs gave out and Wayne held her steady.
“Mi cya badda wid foreign people,” Wayne muttered before dragging her through the crowd.
‘Where are we going?’ she wanted to ask, but the words refused to take form.
I don’t love you.
Those words kept replaying over and over, morphing into a rusty knife and stabbing her bleeding heart.
I. Don’t. Love. You.
Did all the time they spent together mean nothing? Did their opening up to each other mean nothing? Did decorating their new house mean nothing? All the laughs, all the smiles, all the jokes, and all the times she surrendered herself to him in ways she’d never done to anyone before?
It all meant nothing?
“Aunty, see yu pickney ya,” Wayne said, placing her before Cassedi. “Mi ketch her a walk. If mi neva grab her in time, she wuda drop ina the gully.”
Cassedi held Taeja’s shaking shoulders. “Baby girl, what happened?”
“I want Damon,” Taeja forced out.
“I’ll see if we can find him. Talk to me first, please. What happened? ”
“Mi want Damon!” Taeja screamed, ignoring Wayne’s scowl.
Cassedi’s eyes widened, but she nodded. “Let’s go find him,” she said, rubbing Taeja’s back as she led them through the crowd.
Taeja tried and failed to bite back more tears as she followed behind her mother. They found Damon in under a minute. He stood beside the soup pot, chatting and laughing with some old women while helping them to serve the soup.
“Damon!” Cassedi called out.
Damon looked up. His brows furrowed before anger and concern flared in his eyes as he rushed over. He pulled Taeja from Cassedi’s hold. Taeja wrapped her arms around him, laying her head on his chest as the dam burst.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” Damon asked, and Taeja hiccupped a jumbled mess out. “Let’s go somewhere quieter,” he suggested, and she nodded weakly.
“Unu can go ina mi bus.” Wayne gave Damon his key. “It park a street mouth.”
Damon nodded and took the key. “Thanks.”
“Yeah, man,” Wayne said, walking away with Cassedi. “Aunty, mi nuh get nuh soup yet!”
Taeja blocked out the surrounding noise, numb as they left the gathering. Damon kept asking her what was wrong, but she couldn’t find the words to answer him yet.
I don’t love you.
Were four words supposed to hurt this way?
Taeja grabbed a handful of her shirt as they sat in the vehicle. She rubbed her chest, but the stinging pain wouldn’t leave. Damon pulled her onto his lap. She didn’t hesitate to bury her face in the crook of his neck while he wrapped his arms around her waist.
“Did something happen at the house?” he asked, trying to mask the anger in his tone.
She sniffled and nodded.
“Really?” Damon asked, shocked. “Where was Zain?” he asked, and she tensed. There was more anger in his tone when he said, “Zain did something to you?”
Taeja didn’t respond, but that was enough of an answer for Damon.
“Stay here. I’m going to—”
“No.” Taeja held him tighter. “Don’t fight your brother for me.”
“I’ll fight anyone for you. Especially Zain. You’re our girl. He’s not supposed to hurt you.”
Her lips trembled, and she closed her eyes tightly. Tears pushed past her eyelids, rushing down her cheeks. “He didn’t hurt me how you’re thinking.”
“What did he do?”
“He said he doesn’t love me,” she whispered, realizing how silly she must’ve sounded. “Sorry. I’m being stupid.” She pulled away to dry her face with her hands. “Him nafi love mi if him doh want to.”
Damon was speechless as he watched her, then he burst out laughing.
Taeja glared. “I’m heartbroken and you’re laughing?!”
Her tone sobered him up, but a glint remained in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
Taeja hissed her teeth and crawled off him. She crossed her arms and looked through the tinted window, seeing nothing except the silhouettes of trees and shrubs. “No, it’s fine. Laugh. You probably don’t love me, eith—”
“Taeja,” Damon interrupted, all traces of joking gone. “I love you with everything I have in me, so don’t go there.”
She sighed, wiping away a tear that rolled down her cheek. “I’m sorry. It’s just that I… thought we had a good thing going, and I wanted to make him feel better. I’ve always loved him, but I was scared to tell him because of how he acts most times, and this just…”
Damon sighed and widened his arms. “Come here.”
Taeja scooted into his hold, laying her head on his shoulder. He kissed atop her head, but her heart didn’t somersault like it usually would. She wasn’t even feeling those sweet tingles. Her entire being was thrown off.
“Zain’s complicated,” Damon said. “Growing up, he wasn’t used to hearing certain words of affection or praise, so he’s not very good with words. He shows it in his actions. Does he make you feel loved?”
“He does, but—”
“No buts. Yes or no?”
She sighed. “Yes.”
“Then hang on to that. You know he’s been grumpy since he got here. Maybe he took it out on you.”
“How’s that fair?”
“I never said it was.” Damon pulled away. “I’m going to see if I can find him, and you two are going to sit in here and talk, okay?”
“Mi nuh waa talk to him. If him come in here, me a mek Wayne beat him fimi.”
“That’s your anger talking,” Damon said. “None of us have ever gone to bed angry before and we’re not starting now. Please talk to him. For me?”
Taeja sighed, slightly amused by Damon’s attempt at puppy eyes. “You’re lucky I kinda like you.”
Damon scoffed. “Wow. You get angry at my brother, and I downgrade from love to kinda like you ? Women.” As Taeja laughed, Damon smiled. He reached over and wiped the tears drying beneath her eyes. Holding her cheek, he said, “You’re too pretty to cry over a man.”
She chuckled, laying her hand on his and smiling. “But you’re a man.”
“I know, but it’s still true.”
She kissed him, and he cradled her face, kissing her back. Her heart raced in the way it always did whenever she was around him. It was more intense this time like her feelings were putting in overtime to rid the ache in her chest. After how Zain crushed then stomped on her heart earlier, she was thankful she still could feel.
Damon pulled back. “I’ll go get him. No fighting. I can’t control Zain, and I don’t want him to get arrested if things get ugly.”
Taeja nodded, watching as he left.
Even if Zain didn’t love her, Damon did. She’d just have to be okay with that. No matter how it wouldn’t feel right to be with one of them and not the next…
Hearing the door pull, she looked over, meeting the eyes of Zain. They looked cold, angry, sad — a wild mix of emotions that left a foul taste in her mouth. He entered the vehicle, shut the door, and stared ahead of himself. The space felt so small suddenly.
They sat in silence for minutes. As much as she hated the stifling tension, Taeja refused to speak first.
He hurt her. This was his mess to fix.
After a few more nerve-wracking seconds passed, Zain cleared his throat. “ Taeja.”
She didn’t answer.
“I don’t love you,” Zain said, and pain sliced through her chest.
Taeja blinked away another onslaught of tears. “You didn’t have to say that again,” she said, her voice sounding weaker than she felt.
“That’s not what I meant to say,” Zain rushed out, then sighed. “What I mean to say is that I don’t love you because I’ve never loved anyone before, so I don’t know what love is. And you scare me, Taeja, because you make me feel… all these things, and I don’t know what they are.
“You know my good sides, and my bad sides, and you’ve never looked at me any differently. I’ve never had that from a woman before, and you fucking scare me. You’ve scared me since the first day I met you. And I think since then I’ve been addicted to you. You’re like a drug I can’t stay away from. Because of your voice. And your laughs. Your smile. And the way you always have an answer to everything I say. It all does something to me.
“I know how to kill, fix bikes, and I make a mean chicken taco, but you want love, and I… don’t know how to do that, but I want to love you. I’d rip my heart out and give it to you. Maybe you could better understand these things it feels because fuck . Everything you make me feel is nothing I’ve ever experienced before, and I’ve been through a lot.
“I know my words probably won’t mean much because I hurt you, and now I can’t even look at you. And all of this probably won’t make sense to you either, but I need to get these words out because you’re the only one who ever makes me talk this much. So, if you still want me, I’m yours. I’ve been yours. And I want to learn how to love you.”