Taeja

31. Chapter 31

31

He inhaled a quiet breath after his last word, waiting with bated breath for Taeja to say something. Anything.

Fuck. Did he really say all that? He probably sounded stupid. He should’ve thought before speaking, but that was hard to do after Damon punched him in the face and dragged him here to apologize.

His heart quickened, realizing he didn’t say the most important thing. “I’m sor—” He paused when he saw movement in the corner of his eyes.

Taeja scooted closer to him — not too close, but not too far. Just like she always did. “That’s love, Zain,” was all she said. She didn’t sound angry or sad. She sounded… normal. Like the Taeja he was used to.

And that worried him.

Why wasn’t she crying? Screaming?

Still unable to look at her, he remained focused on the seat before himself.

Love.

She said he loved her.

People fell in and out of love too easily. That wasn’t what he felt for her.

The things he felt for her were like the scars all over his body — deeply ingrained and unremovable. It was something that came unexpectedly, but he couldn’t imagine life before or without it.

“Zain,” Taeja said.

“Yeah?” he answered, his voice hushed .

“Why won’t you look at me?”

“I can’t stand to see you crying, knowing that I caused it,” he said, a coldness settling inside him.

Taeja moved again. This time, onto his lap. She held his face and made him look at her.

Beautiful. A Goddess. That was what this woman was.

“I’m not crying anymore,” Taeja said. “And I didn’t know that you feel all these things for me.”

“I want to show you, but I don’t know how—”

“You know how,” she interrupted. “You show it through acts of service, but you have a little physicality in you, which is ironic.”

“How?”

“Because you don’t really like people touching you, yet you like it when I’m all up in your space, even when I’m wary about it. See how quickly you grabbed my ass and pulled me closer when I sat on you?”

“I didn’t know that was love. But it’s not how you want me to love you.”

“Zain, nuh badda wid the foolishness. I want you to love me in any way you can. And it’s fine if you can’t always say it, because now I’m completely sure that you do love me. Just don’t tell me again that you don’t love me. Those words hurt a lot coming from you.”

He sighed, gently rubbing her ass between his fingers. “I’m sorry. I… love you,” he forced out, and Taeja laughed. His brows crinkled. “What?”

“You sounded awkward saying it.”

“I want you to get used to me saying it.”

“You looked constipated saying it, Zain. Mago laugh every time you say it.”

“But I want you to—”

She kissed him silent. When she pulled away, he leaned forward, not wanting to break the kiss yet. Taeja smiled against his lips as their kiss prolonged. She was still smiling when he finally allowed her to pull away.

“Just show me. You don’t have to tell me. Your love language is different. I’m starting to get that now.”

He nodded. “Okay. ”

She smiled, laying her head on his chest. She sighed as she snuggled against him.

He kissed atop her head, squeezing her ass before gently caressing it. “Are you still in pain?”

“Yes. Nuh ask fi fuck mi.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

“Mi nuh believe yu. You’re hard, and I don’t know if it’s because you’re horny or if it’s because you’re still angry.”

He tensed. He thought she was too focused on him trying to express himself and wouldn’t see past the wall he threw up.

Realizing he took too long to answer, Taeja leaned off him. Her brows furrowed as she looked at him. “What’s making you angry?”

He sighed. “Can you lay back down on me?”

She nodded and complied, holding him tighter than before. He sighed, resting his chin atop her head. Zain loved how small and soft her body was against his.

“I don’t know where to start,” he said.

“The beginning.”

Zain nodded, his anger rising as he took a trip down memory lane.

“Stark, The Federation thanks you for your years of service. You served Squad Four well, even when you pitched in while being inactive, but it is time to pass the torch on. Squad Four will now report to Sergeant Rice. Hudson and O’Donoghue, meet Eugene Farland. He is your new squad mate.”

What?!

Zain’s nostrils flared. “What did you say?”

Byfield raised a brow. “Don’t forget your place, Stark.”

“You don’t forget yours,” Zain bit back, not caring about respecting a superior anymore. “I don’t care if you placed me on inactive. You can’t give my squad to someone else. You’ve never done that before.”

Kennedy sighed. “Look at it as a rebranding, Stark. Squad Four is our most decorated. We can’t dismantle it like we did the others. ”

“But you can give it to a new sergeant and this—” Zain glanced at Farland and scowled. “No.”

“No?” Rice laughed. “I am the new sergeant, whether you like it or not.”

Zain scoffed, not gracing Rice with an answer as he looked at Byfield. “You stood by and watched two of my men get killed.”

“One was a traitor,” Byfield replied.

“He was still mine.” Zain clenched his fists at his side. “I’m not gonna let you put Hudson and O’Donoghue through this again.”

“You don’t get a say in this, Stark,” Byfield hissed, his jaw ticking. “Rice is the new sergeant. We invited you here as a formality.”

Zain snapped his eyes to Kennedy, who pursed his lips. “Squad Four is nothing without me. Remember that.” Zain turned and left.

He was angry beyond words. How dare they give away his squad? In all his years, he never saw them do that to anyone else. Whenever a squad broke the oath, The Federation always kept the remaining soldiers on the payroll but never deployed them. Why were they changing the rules?

Zain’s feet took him outside faster than he knew it. He began retracing his steps to the car when Twenty and Jollof caught up to him.

“Byfield hate yu,” Twenty said.

“True,” Jollof agreed. “No one else ever has the balls to stand up to him like that.”

As they stopped beside Zain’s car, Twenty said, “Thanks for sticking up for us, Stork.”

“What did I tell you about that fucking nickname?” Zain hissed.

Twenty shrugged. “It’s that or Scar. You decide.”

Zain glared. Twenty and Jollof knew they were the only ones he allowed to call him by silly nicknames, and they took advantage of it every chance they got.

Jollof elbowed Twenty. “Shut up! I’m not about to do a hundred pushups if you make him mad.”

Twenty sighed. “I hope Kennedy comes to his senses and tells Byfield to call this off.”

“They have a mission for you?” Zain asked.

Jollof nodded slowly, looking around before lowering her voice. “Rice said it’s called Plan Nightingale. We’re going to the East, but it’s not a solo squad mission. They’re sending multiple squads from the platoon.”

“Multiple?” Zain’s eyes widened as Jollof nodded. “The Federation almost caused a war the last time they deployed multiple squads.”

Twenty sighed. “Cya tek this fuckery at all. They should’ve discharged us.”

Zain’s jaw ticked. “Byfield won’t let you go because he knows it’s what I want.”

“Mi been a tell unu from day one seh Byfield a battyman.”

Jollof laughed and punched Twenty. “Stop it.”

“I’m not lying, though.”

Zain sighed, nostalgic as he watched them. Laughter was the only thing that got them through all the gruesome missions they’d been through.

Though they were trained for it, killing was never easy. It left a permanent bloodstain on hands, minds, and souls.

Especially now that Marco and Sea weren’t alive. Especially Sea. She was the comedian of Squad Four. Laughing didn’t come as easily anymore since she passed.

Zain adjusted the dog tag around his neck. “Did he say when?”

Twenty shook his head. “Dem goodly gon tek forever cause dem nuh waa we tell yu nun.”

Jollof scoffed. “Like that’ll happen. I don’t care what they said, I only answer to Sergeant Stark. I’d rather kill myself before serving this country again.”

“Let’s start a suicide pact,” Twenty suggested, and Jollof chuckled.

Zain glared. “Shut the fuck up,” he hissed, and they sobered up. “No one’s dying, and no one’s going anywhere. Leave.”

Twenty and Jollof saluted Zain, then they complied with his order.

By the time he was done speaking, Taeja’s hand was in his hair. Her fingers gently caressed his scalp. “Did you figure something out?” she asked, and he nodded. “Can I ask?”

“I know you’re going to ask, even if I say no.”

Chuckling, Taeja pulled back to playfully glare at him. “Zain, mi cya stand yu. ”

“That’s why you’re sitting on me.”

“Stop being sexual. I’m sore.”

“I’m not being sexual.”

“ Sure . Back to my question, please.”

“You’re not gonna like what I have to say,” he said, watching as she grew serious. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about it, but I was still trying to find a way around this.”

“I don’t like how this sounds…”

Zain’s throat dried. He held the back of her head and made her lay down on him again. “One reason I’ve been angry is because I’ve been telling Byfield not to let my men go. He should retire Squad Four or find recruits to replace them, but he’s against it. The other day I went to Kennedy and asked him for an alternative.”

“Wait,” Taeja interrupted. “Kennedy’s the boss of your boss, right?”

“Byfield isn’t my fucking boss,” Zain snapped, sighing after Taeja’s eyes widened. “Sorry. Yeah, if that’s how you wanna put it.”

“It’s fine… Continue.”

“Even though Lieutenant Kennedy is the one who ordered the torture, he’s easier going. He just likes punishing soldiers when they break the oath. If it was up to him, Squad Four would’ve been dismantled, and we would’ve been killed. But it’s up to a Senior Sergeant to dismantle a squad, which Byfield doesn’t wanna do. I… spoke to Kennedy and offered a proposition. I’ll rejoin the army for PNG, and if we make it out alive, my men and I will get discharged.”

Taeja sat up and looked at him. “ If you make it out alive?” she asked, and Zain nodded as a chill ran through his body. “You really love them, don’t you?”

“I don’t love them,” Zain said. “They’re my people. They’ve never been out in the field without me. I need to get them out of this and get them a good life.”

“What about you, Zain? What about Damon? What about me? Don’t you deserve to live a good life for us, too?”

“Yeah,” he said. “But Twenty and Jollof need me, too. They were my family when I felt like I had no one. I have to do this for them, just like I would for you and my brother.”

Taeja lay on his chest. She sniffled before wetness seeped into Zain’s shirt, making him stiffen. “I don’t want you to die…”

He sighed, placing a long kiss on her forehead. “I don’t plan on dying. But I swore an oath to protect my people. Twenty and Jollof went through hell under my watch, and it’s my duty to ensure they never go through it again. Especially now.”

“H-huh?” she asked, hiccupping.

“Dijonae is pregnant.”

“What?” she asked, snapping up to look at him. Tears streamed down her face, and he wanted to reach over and wipe them away, but she needed this.

Zain nodded. “She wanted to surprise Twenty when she started showing, but he told her he’s getting deployed. Something bad’s gonna happen, we can all feel it, and Twenty doesn’t want his child to grow up without a father. He told Dijonae to get an abortion.”

Taeja gasped. “This is so messed up. Mi hate this. Why yu join the stupid Federation, Zain?!” she yelled, punching his chest.

Zain grabbed her hands by the wrists, trapping them before her. “I was young and searching for somewhere I felt like I belonged.”

“You belong with me.”

“If I met you sooner.”

“You’d be in prison.”

Zain’s eyes narrowed as he released her hands. “Did you have to say that?”

“What? I’m not lying.”

“I know,” he said, brushing away a strand of hair that loosened from her braid and hung above her forehead. “I leave next month, and I need you to be strong for yourself and my brother. Especially him.”

“You’re not telling him?”

“No,” Zain said. “I know that look. Don’t start.”

Taeja shook her head. “You can’t ask me to do this. I can keep quiet about Liza, but not this. Suppose you…” She started sobbing.

“I don’t plan on dying. I have to live so I can give you the love you deserve,” Zain said, trying to comfort her, but it wasn’t working. His jaw clenched as he pulled her to his chest, holding her close as she sobbed and begged him not to leave. He awkwardly patted her back until she calmed down minutes later. “I’m doing this for my people, Taeja,” he said, trying not to cringe at how soft he sounded. “Just like I’d do anything for you and Damon. You have to understand. They won’t have anyone, but you’ll have each other—”

“Mi nuh care. Tell him, Zain. Or I will.”

Zain pursed his lips, deciding it was best not to argue with her when she made up her mind. He directed the conversation elsewhere. “Let’s go inside.”

She shook her head. “I’m not ready. I want to hold you like it’s the last time.”

“Stop talking like that.”

“When you stop talking like yaa plan fi dead leff mi.”

“Did you not hear me say I want to live for you?”

“Should’ve started with that, cause right now pay bad feeling a tek mi.”

He sighed, shuffling into a more comfortable position. Rubbing her small, round ass, he looked at the roof. They remained quiet for a while, and Zain used the time to think.

Zain didn’t want to put Taeja in a sticky position, but he didn’t want his brother stressing over him to the point he stopped eating again. After Zain came off tour, their mother told him Damon would always struggle to eat whenever he got deployed. Things would be worse this time around.

But he also wanted Twenty and Jollof to be far away from The Federation as soon as possible. He’d do anything to get them free. Dijonae shouldn’t have to get an abortion because Owen thought it best she save herself from the struggle of raising a child on her own. Nwabisa was the baby of the squad. He wanted her to experience all life had to offer.

Sighing, he closed his eyes. He couldn’t stand his thoughts anymore. They always plagued him whenever he was left with them for too long. He needed a distraction.

“Taeja?” Zain said.

“Yes?”

He smiled. Taeja had a beautiful, soothing voice. He could listen to her talk all day and not get bored or annoyed.

“Why did you tell me you love me?” Zain asked .

She leaned off his chest to look at him. Her brows pulled together. “Huh?”

“Why did you tell me you love me?”

“Because I do,” she said. “And I was trying to make you feel better.”

His brows furrowed. Was that supposed to work?

Zain… loved… that Taeja loved him, but his anger was always blinding. He would’ve preferred if she made him fuck her.

He cleared his throat as she laid back down on him. “I don’t know how to say this without hurting you.”

“Then don’t say it.”

“I have to, so if this happens again, you’ll know how to actually… help me.”

“Okay. I’m listening.”

“Words don’t mean much to me, so don’t tell me you love me when I’m angry. Just let me fuck you. Hard. Like I did today.”

“Zain, I love having sex with you, but yu hood too big. Mi can barely tek dat pon a good day. The pain’s nice in the moment, but I can’t do that every time. But… I hear you. No I love yous.” She sounded sad on the last bit, and he sighed.

Of course, he’d be stupid and still hurt her when he was only trying to work on their relationship.

“Zain. You’re getting hard again,” Taeja said.

“Sorry. Get off me.”

“No.” Taeja shuffled around. “Why does anger get you horny?”

“The Federation made me this way.”

“Mi nuh waa laugh. Wa yu just say?”

Zain scoffed. “It’s not like you’re taking it. The thing with killing people is that no one ever talks about the remorse you feel after it, even when you kill someone for a good reason. I play God when I decide who lives and who dies every time they deploy me, and it always leaves anger inside me. Sex helped me. Foreign women love men with accents—”

“I don’t think you have an accent.”

“Because you’re from Florida. I sound normal to you.”

“True… Continue.”

He tightened his grip on her ass. “Those women made me do whatever I want to them. The Federation still owns me, but the power I have during sex makes me feel like I still have control over my life.”

“Now your dick gets hard every time you’re angry?”

“Yeah…”

“Do you want a blowjob?”

His dick stirred in response. As enticing as it was, he couldn’t allow himself to give in. Zain realized that Taeja loved pleasing people; she’d burn herself to give anyone warmth. He didn’t want her to do that for him. If anyone should burn, it should be him.

“No.” Zain loosened his grip on her ass. “Let’s just… talk. If you want to. Damon will throw a fit if we leave too soon.”

She laughed. A sweet laugh. That laugh he found himself attracted to since the day at the pool.

“True,” Taeja said. “But he’s probably busy with Cassedi’s friends. Everyone loves him. I hope I don’t have to fight for him when we leave on Thursday.”

Zain chuckled. “That’s Damon for you. People gravitate toward him.”

“I think that’s one thing I admire most about him.”

“I hate it.” Zain scowled, remembering when they were younger, and Damon insisted on making friends everywhere they went.

“You hate everything.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“I never said you hate me.”

He furrowed his brows. “But you’re everything to me.”

“Zain,” she laughed, giving his body a slight squeeze before pulling away. “I have another question. Is this hers?” She hesitantly reached for the dog tag around Zain’s neck and trailed her thumb over it.

“Yeah. Sea didn’t have family or anyone to collect her belongings.” He freed it from Taeja’s hold and tucked it inside his shirt.

She looked at him for a few seconds before laying on him again. “What else is making you angry?”

“My ex.”

“The one with the terrible interior design skills?” she asked, and he nodded. “ Why?”

“I put my hands on her. Once.”

Taeja shot up, her eyes wide. “Yu beat woman?!”

He looked away as shame settled in him. “I didn’t want to hurt her. But she kept nagging me when I came off tour and she hit me first, then I snapped. I could hear her crying for me to stop, but I wasn’t in control of myself. It felt like I was back in that room with the army, finally getting my chance to do them like how they did me. If Damon didn’t come when he did, I probably would’ve killed her.” He sighed. “She was in the hospital for two months, but she didn’t press charges.”

“Why does that make you angry?”

“Because I saw her the other day… with Damon. I feel like she’ll try to ruin what we have because she doesn’t know how to let go.”

Taeja hummed, laying back down on his chest. “Me will beat her this time if she try step to yu.”

“Taeja.”

“I’m joking… I can’t fight.”

“You don’t have to fight for us. We’re yours. I’ll show you a picture of her. Let me know if she ever comes to you.”

“What will you do?”

He kissed her forehead and rubbed her back. “Don’t worry about it.”

She nodded. “Okay, now off her. Do you believe in God?”

Zain chuckled, amused by how she was trying to distract him. “Short answer? Something like that.”

“Wa—”

“Let me finish,” he said. “I don’t believe only in the Christian deity.”

“Which deity do you believe in?”

“I’ve been all around the world. I’ve been exposed to a lot of cultures, and all of them have a practice that I believe in, and some that I disagree with. It’s restrictive saying I believe in only one religion. So, long answer, I do believe that there are higher powers.”

“I’ve never thought about it like that before.”

“Not many people do. ”

“Which one do you have the most faith in?”

He was about to answer, but closed his mouth when the door opened. Damon stuck his head inside.

Taeja leaned off him to look at Damon. “Yago live long.”

Damon raised his brow at them. “Did you talk your issues out?” Damon asked, and Zain nodded. “Good. Because if not, I wouldn’t stay in the room with either of you.”

“Where’d you sleep?” Taeja asked.

“The sofa.” Damon shrugged, then looked at Zain. “Are you done with her?”

Zain tightened his grip on Taeja. “Why do you want her?”

“ She is right here and can speak for herself.” Taeja crawled off Zain’s lap and sat beside him. “Why yu want me?”

“They’re playing Ludo and Sister Pansy’s daughter keeps winning. You said you’re good at it, so I need you to come kill her ego,” Damon said.

Taeja smirked, then it morphed into a frown. She looked between the two of them like she was conflicted.

“You can go,” Zain said.

“Are you sure?” Taeja asked, her frown deepening.

Zain nodded.

“Okay,” she said, her eyes flickering from his lips to his eyes. She opened her mouth to say something, but Zain kissed her before she could.

Her lips tasted salty. It tugged at Zain’s heart.

Taeja pulled away first, her eyes dazed as she stared at him. He smirked, and she blushed and looked at Damon. Damon helped her to exit the bus, and they walked away while holding hands.

When they disappeared, Zain decided he’d go for a run to clear his mind. He exited the bus and shut the door behind him, looking down at the key in his hands. He looked up, then smirked.

Just the person he wanted to see.