Chapter Fourteen
Jolene
I try to fight the tears burning in my eyes as I watch Beau stand and leave, but it's impossible. A sob pulls from my lungs, but I muffle it with my hand. I will not fucking break right now. There are too many people around to see me crumble.
Closing my eyes, I count to ten before I pull myself together and look at my barn filled with the people I love staring at me, concern written all over their faces.
"Sorry, adrenaline dump, and I just realized how much being shot fucking hurts." I gingerly push myself up into a sitting position but am pleasantly surprised when the woozy feeling of blood loss is gone, which I’m sure I have the girls and one of their many concoctions or tinctures to thank for.
Kenina and Rieka give each other a look that clearly says I'm full of shit. They ignore me as they clean off their hands and pack up their bags, apparently done doctoring me for the night.
"You tell yourself whatever you need to feel better, child." Nana, never one to pull a punch, brushes my hair off my head.
"What the fuck happened tonight, Jo?" Thatcher pauses his pacing long enough to glare down at me.
Fuck, I'm sure this isn't easy on any of them, but especially Thatch.
He's always been my fiercest protector, and even though he understands why I do what I do, he's never been quite on board like Nana is.
He always wants to tag along to watch out for me, but I work better alone.
I'm like Pem when I'm on a mission, silent and stealthy but lethal as hell. Maybe I should bring her as back-up.
"I went to Ricky Carmichael's because Nana found out he's been abusing his girl. Shit went sideways, obviously”—I gesture at my injured torso—”but I got Calli and her son out, and she no longer has to worry about Ricky.
"Oh, and Nana. You went to visit Calli a few days ago to give your condolences in regard to her aunt’s passing. You saw the signs of abuse, and offered her and Hank a safe place to stay here at the farm. They've been here for a few days, so act surprised when you find out about the fire."
"You got it, kid." Nana pats my shoulder.
"So, wanna tell me how Beau knew to show up?" I try not to take my anger out on Thatcher, but I know the two of them were together tonight.
He runs his hand over his jaw, his teeth clenching.
"I think he saw your message come over on my phone.
I went inside to grab us beers, and when I came out, Beau was on edge.
I would've asked him what was wrong, but then I got distracted by a new message alert.
When I saw what you sent, I hastily made an excuse to end the night, but Beau agreed way too willingly.
I should've put two and two together, but I was more worried about getting the girls and getting to you.
I didn't think about Beau seeing the message and him coming to check on you.
I'm real sorry, Jo-Jo." The distress floods his face.
I instantly feel like a bitch for sassing him.
"Thatch, come here." I pat the dirty barn floor beside me.
Thatcher reluctantly makes his way across the barn and slides down the wall to sit beside me.
I lean my head on his shoulder and relax into him when he wraps his arm around me.
I might have been an only child, but it never felt that way with Thatcher around.
He's always been my ride-or-die and overbearing pseudo big brother.
Having him share the stress of this shitty night with me makes it bearable.
"I don't blame you, Thatch. It was only a matter of time before Beau found out or I told him. Whether I wanted to admit it or not, it had to happen if we want any shot at a real relationship. Fuck, if that's even possible."
"It won't be easy, but I warned him that if he pursued you, he needed to accept all of you. Can't say I'm too impressed with him tonight,” Thatcher grumbles, his whole body tensing.
I give him a light jab in the ribs, annoyed that he’s being so hard on Beau even though I’m more than my share of upset that he walked out on me earlier.
"Give him a break, Thatch. He watched his girlfriend feed her pigs a human leg tonight.
He's a fucking cop. I'm sure his brain jumped to the conclusion that a leg wasn't the only meal my girls enjoyed.
Fuck, him walking out is better than me walking out with him in cuffs. "
"Maybe he's on his way back with them." Nana's voice filters towards us.
Thatch and I glare at her but quickly join Rieka and Kenina in their laughter when Nana wiggles her brows at us suggestively.
Leave it to Nana to lighten the mood.
"How much did you tell him, Nana? And how long was I out?"
"I told him my story, your mother's, and how you came to be the woman you are today. You know me, darlin'. I didn't sugarcoat shit, so I'm sure that man of yours has a lot runnin’ through that gorgeous head of his right about now."
I suppose that makes my life easier in one aspect.
I never knew how to tell Beau about this side of me.
Coming right out and saying “hey, I'm a serial killer, but I swear I'm the good kind” didn't seem like the right way to go.
My biggest hangup was always how to make him listen to me.
I reckon Nana took care of that for me, though.
"So, my fiery friend, what are you going to do about your man?" Kenina cocks her brow at me.
"What do you think I should do? Lord knows y'all are far wiser than me."
Kenina and Rieka take several long moments staring at each other, not breaking each other’s eye contact. I learned pretty quickly that these two seem to be able to communicate without words, so I sit back and wait patiently.
"We cannot help you in this situation. We're sorry and are always here for you, but our insight has too much potential to sway things one way or another, and we'd hate to do that. Your relationship needs to unfold organically for it to be what it is truly meant to be."
I harumph as I roll my eyes. Damn Rieka and her logic.
"Fine, if you insist. I don't think we need to worry about Beau coming back tonight.
Nana, can you give the girls the teeth, please?
I'll take the tarp and garbage bags to my house, and burn them tomorrow.
Otherwise, I'm fucking exhausted and want to go to bed.
" I push myself to my feet, but don't struggle for long as Thatcher grabs my arm and helps me the rest of the way up.
He makes his way towards the garbage bags and tarp, but I pull him to a stop.
"Leave it. We may be related, but that’s not what you signed up for. I've got it."
We stare each other down, but Thatcher eventually relents with a nod.
I turn towards Rieka and Kenina. "Thank you for always being here at the drop of the hat when I need you. I appreciate you both so much."
"You will need to take it easy for a few days.
Replacing your blood magically will have you feeling a little off.
Make sure you aren't pushing it. As far as the wound, use the salve you normally do for cuts.
It will help heal the stitches faster. You should be able to take them out in a day or two. "
Rieka and Kenina give me a hug, and Pem rubs her whole body against me before following Thatcher out the door.
With just Nana and me left, I feel my badass facade start to slip.
"Come on, child. Let's get this cleaned up and get you home."
"Alright."
I stumble around the barn, but I can't afford to leave any trace of Ricky Carmichael behind. I check the pigs, unsurprised there’s no trace of their feast left. With the tarp and garbage bag loaded in the jeep, I wait for Nana to hop in, then head up to the B&B to drop her off.
I've never been more relieved than when I pull up in front of my house.
I park in the garbage and grab the tarp out from the back, then all but fall out of my jeep.
I'm completely fucking wrecked and barely able to make it into my house.
I drop the stuff in my hands onto the deck of my screened-in back porch, then add my tattered clothes to the pile. I'll burn it all tomorrow.
Stumbling through my house, I make it to the bathroom and crank the water.
I hardly recognize the woman staring back at me in the mirror.
Her hair is falling out of the braid it was in, and her skin is almost ashen looking.
But the most alarming feature is her eyes.
They look manic as they stare back at me.
Ripping my gaze from the mirror, I step into the shower and let the water wash over me.
It burns like hell over my wounds, but it's a welcome sting.
If I let the physical pain take over, maybe it will numb the emotional pain currently ravaging me.
I try not to let it take hold, but it's a battle I'm quickly losing.
A sob wracks my body as my legs give out. My heart feels like it's being ripped from my body as I remember the look in Beau's eyes right before he walked out of the door and possibly my life.
I try to bring myself under control, but the more I fight the tears, the harder they come until I can barely catch my breath.
It's been years since I've had a panic attack, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I realize that's exactly what is happening. I know there are ways to break out of the panic, but it's been so long, and I'm too far gone at this point, that I'm unable to grasp how to make this feeling stop.
My vision is starting to blur as little black dots swirl in and out of focus.
My lungs feel as if there's an elephant sitting on my chest, fighting to inflate but failing miserably.
I try to push myself to my knees, but my limbs won't cooperate.
All I can do is curl up on the shower floor and hope the panic eases soon.