Chapter Fourteen #2
I don't know if I pass out or if the panic fog is finally lifting, but when my eyes open, I’m still lying on the shower floor as freezing-cold water pelts my face.
My body is trembling, which could be an after-effect from my panic attack or a result from the ice-cold water raining down on me.
Either way, I need to get off this floor.
A groan spills from my lips as I push to my knees. I fucking hurt everywhere, and lying here in the cold has definitely not helped my aches and pains from the night's adventures.
Finally finding my footing, I shut off the water and stumble out of the shower. I snag the towel off the rack and wrap it around my body, but it does nothing to warm me.
Back in my room, I snag the extra blankets I use in the winter from my closet then fall face first into my bed, thankful I'm not one of those weird people who make their bed every morning. I wrap myself up like a burrito before giving into my body's demands for sleep.
Unfortunately, my sleep is anything but restful. I wake several times before dawn as my dreams make me relive the night I ended my father's life. But instead of me ending my dear old dad's life, I watch him slowly torture then kill my mom for fighting back.
It's on the third—or is it the fourth?—cycle of interrupted sleep that I'm awakened by Nana standing over me, looking troubled.
"The dreams are back?" Her brows show her worry, but all I can do is nod to confirm her concerns.
"I'll be right back."
True to her word, Nana hustles back in with a mug of tea and a bottle that must have come from the apothecary.
I drink both down, relieved when I feel the pull of a peaceful sleep at last.
"So, I see we're choosin’ to be a stubborn ass still?"
Nana's drawl has my back straightening as I wipe the sweat from my brow.
I'm out in the fields, helping harvest this year’s crop of cucumbers. The crop exploded, which will be great for Mama to use to make her homemade pickles.
"Oh, and what is it I'm being stubborn about now?"
"Do you really want a list? I'll gladly give it to ya. One, ridin’ Rogue all over the farm the day after you were shot."
"I had to go burn the evidence," I protest.
Nana acts like I didn't say a thing. "Two, you are choosin’ to completely ignore the panic attacks and nightmares you've had the last few days when you know the girls have remedies for both. Three, you haven't even gone to see Beau yet, which is by far your biggest mistake."
"Oh, yeah? How do ya figure?" My hands fist at my sides as I glare at Nana.
"Well, maybe because the man you're in love with has the best damn moral compass this side of the Mason-Dixon line, and he just saw the woman he's been datin’ feed a human leg to her pigs.
Mind you, he's a smart man, so I'm sure he's deduced there was a helluva lot more than a leg being fed to them. "
"I know that, Nana!" I scream. "I know all of that, but I will not change who I am for any man, even one as good as Beau Calhoun. So if he wants me, he can come get me."
"Who said anythin’ about changin’ ya?" Nana grumps, crossing her arms in annoyance—whether with me or the idea of someone wanting me to change, I have no clue.
"How could I be with Beau without changing? Even if he didn't want me to change, the best thing I can do for the both of us is let him decide what he wants on his own. Lord knows it would make his life easier and safer if he doesn't tie himself to me.
“Not only could he lose his job, but he could get into so much fucking trouble.
And then who would be left to fight if both of us are locked up or, even worse, dead?
If he wants me, I'm all in. But he's gonna have to make that decision for himself.
I've already asked a hell of a lot of him by having him keep our secrets.
I ain't gonna force his hand for more if that's not what he truly wants in his heart. "
Nana studies me with her weathered face but eyes so full of life and knowledge that I never know what to expect her to say next. I'm trying to decipher what she's feeling when a small frown pulls at her lips.
"I understand, child, but that doesn't mean I like any of this.
For the first time in what feels like forever, one of the DuVall women has a chance at one of the good ones.
I'd hate to see you let that man slip through your fingers because you were too scared to fight, afraid of breakin’ worse down the line if you take the chance today. "
"Beau loving me doesn’t scare me, Nana. I'm afraid of setting his world on fire because I love him ."
"Eh, toma-yto, toma-hto." She shrugs and heads back towards the house.
I throw my hands up in the air then kick the dirt for good measure. I love the old coot, but she drives me batty as hell sometimes.
How in the world does she think me pushing Beau right now could do any good? She told him our story and why I do what I do. What more is there for me to say to him than what has been said?
And what's she going on about being afraid?
I've never been afraid to fight a day in my life.
Hell, that's how I became who I am today.
I fought my pa and ended his life at an age when I should've been worried about what boy I wanted to kiss.
I fought the debilitating anxiety and panic attacks that plagued me for years after while I waited for someone to find out what I did—no, what we did—to his body.
I fought the feeling of helplessness when I went to that first defense class with Sammie and learned I could handle myself.
I've been fighting my whole fucking life, so why the hell does Nana think I'd be afraid to fight for Beau?
Probably because he has the power to ruin you like no other man has in a long time. Scratch that, no other person.
Sure, I trust Beau with my life, but do I really trust him with my heart? Lord knows he fractured it when he walked out of my barn the other night. Who the hell knows what would happen if he walked out of my life for good.
I suppose Nana is right and I am afraid because I'm sure as shit not ready to find out the answer anytime soon. Instead, I'll bury my head in the sand and hope like hell that Beau doesn't take much longer to decide what the future holds for us.
Another thing Nana was right about are the damn panic attacks and nightmares. I don't think my body can handle another panic attack or a restless night of sleep.
Looks like I'm going to have to take a trip to town to see my favorite ladies. At least I know there's something I can control, and right now, I'll take any little bit I can get.