38
Anthony
The Love Still Held Me Near – City and Colour
O ne Hour and 45 minutes
That’s how long I have been sitting in my truck across the street from Ashlynn’s house. I have been trying to work up the courage to get out and go knock on her door, but every time I go to grab the handle, I stop myself. Heath’s car has been here almost as long as I have been sitting in my truck, but it really doesn’t look like much movement in the house. Thankfully, he doesn’t know my truck, since I look like a creep just sitting here.
Two Hours and 20 minutes
After sitting here for two hours, I think I'm finally ready to get up and go tell Ashlynn everything I need to say to her. I pull up my notes app on my phone to look over everything I typed up that I want to say, to make sure I don’t miss anything or leave anything out. As I am looking over everything and adding a couple more notes, I nearly have a heart attack from the knock on my window, when I look up and see that it’s Heath. I roll my window down. “Hey, Heath,” I say with an awkward wave.
“Anthony, how long are you planning on staying out here?”
Blowing out a breath, I say, “Honestly, I have been working up the courage for the last few hours to get out. How did you even know it was me?”
Heath lets out a small laugh “Only the North Carolina license plate gave you away and also, I’ve been watching you out her window to see when you would come knock on the door.”
I lean my head back and look at Heath. “I guess that would be a dead giveaway for me. Do you think she’ll want to see me, or should I just leave?”
I sound pathetic asking this, but I don’t care. I am desperate to see her and get her back. I am done being without her. I haven’t seen her since that day at the police station.
Heath finally answers me, “She is out of town. She’s in Vancouver with Neha visiting their friend Cora for a week.” I feel deflated.
I go to start up my truck to leave with my head down again, when Heath invites me in. “Come on in, man. I have some coffee going. I am over here because we are expecting the first shipment of books to be delivered. You can help me bring them in.”
I shake my head at Heath, “I don’t think I should go in her house with her gone, I don’t feel right doing that.”
Heath taps his fist lightly on my door frame. “I assure you that she probably won’t care and if it makes you feel better, I won’t say anything. I’ll let you tell her once you see her again.”
I am a little thrown off with how nice Heath is toward me, but then I remember what Neha told me on New Year’s Day while we were sitting on my ramp, that Ashlynn won’t talk to her or Heath about what happened. Before I change my mind, I jump out and follow Heath inside.
The moment I step over the threshold of the front door, the memory of carrying her over my shoulder after the club is the first thing that comes to mind–her laugh of happiness and telling me she could walk herself. I smile, thinking about it. I then look over at the couch and think about the night I stayed after flying back during the tour, how we fell asleep, and she just molded to me, like she was meant to fit against me, like we are each other’s missing puzzle piece. I follow Heath into the kitchen where the coffee just finished brewing.
“So, how many boxes of books are being delivered?” I ask just to make small talk, something I hate doing most in this world.
“We are going to be getting I think five altogether. Once she gets back, she will have to sign them all, add in a custom bookmark, pack, and send them all out. Then, we’re off to start the tour.”
I take a sip of the coffee, just nod my head.
There is awkward silence between us as I sit at the counter and Heath stands on the other side, both of us just drinking our coffees. Heath breaks the silence. “What are you doing here, Anthony?”
I go to take a drink of my coffee, but it’s empty. Setting the cup down, I look directly at Heath. “I miss her. I want her back. I want us back. I just…want her.”
Heath places his hands flat on the counter and looks up at the ceiling, “You know that night I took her to the hotel. I was the one there with her, while she cried herself to sleep for the first few nights after, soaking my shirts with her tears. I was the one she kept asking ‘WHY.’ She didn’t even want to come to her own house for a while after because you guys made it into your home for the short time you were here.”
I am floored by what he just told me; I assumed this whole time it was Neha who was with Ashlynn. I didn’t even think about Heath being the one with her. For some unknown reason, I decide to tell Heath everything. Why him over my closest friends, I don’t know, but I own up to everything. For the next hour and a half, I tell him from where my guilt started which was at the hospital and to be honest, it hasn’t gone away.
I try to hold myself together while I get it all out. I do okay for the most part. However, when I tell him about how mean I was to her, my voice catches every time. “Heath, I thought it was all for the best, honestly. I was scared because of what happened. I have never been in a situation like that before. Obviously, I know I didn’t handle it the best. I told her she was a distraction, and that she was an idiot for believing everything I told her the last months we were together. I had my mind made up that I needed to do it and leave.”
Heath has since moved to sit down at the kitchen table and is quiet. A little too quiet for comfort; I wait for him to say something–anything really. Heath has been looking down at the table and tapping his fingers since I finished talking. I continue with the one admission I haven’t said yet. “Heath, I instantly regretted it. I literally ran out of my room after her, but she was already gone. I thought about going to the lobby to see if she was there, but I had been drinking and was not in the right state of mind. I turned and went back in and finished my bottle of rum.”
Heath finally looks up at me and lets out a heavy sigh. “You are a fucking asshole.”
I nod my head at him. “That’s fair, I deserve that and whatever else you want to say to me.”
I stand up from the chair I have been sitting on and start to pace around the kitchen. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off me after telling him all of this. “So, what is your plan then?” Heath asks me.
I look over at him. Shrugging my shoulders, I say, “I don’t really have one. I mean, I typed up notes about everything I wanted to say to her, but after telling you what happened, they are not enough. All I know, Heath, is that I don’t want to be without her again. I was without her for four years and yeah, I moved on and lived my life. I became a household name in BMX, but I always still had an empty feeling–a feeling that only she was able to take away and did when I had her back–and I was the one that ruined us. She was never a distraction or an idiot. Everything I said to her before that night, I meant every damn word and I want to tell her that. I want to tell her my tricks only got better with her there. I want to tell her that I am so fucking cheesy with her because I am unbelievably in love with her, still after all these years.”
After I finish, I look over at Heath and his eyes are wide but nods his head. This must be entertainment for him, watching me spout off all of this in what feels like one single breath. It’s all true, though!
We have been back to awkward silence since I finished talking. I think maybe now would be a good time to leave, so I start to tell Heath bye when he interrupts me. “You know she has asked about you. After she saw you at the police station, that night she decided she wanted to come back home and asked me if I thought you were okay.” I sit down in the nearest chair because I want to know where this is going. Heath continues, “I told her that I don’t know if you were okay. I do know it looked like you were carrying a lot of guilt with you. I could just see it, that’s why I didn’t go cuss you out right there or fucking punch your face! That’s why I am talking to you now.”
Heath is a really good person, I think to myself after he tells me this. “I would have punched me in the face, if I were in your shoes. Thanks for not doing it, though!”
We both just start laughing.
I’ve been at Ashlynn’s house talking to Heath for over two hours, the same amount of time it took me the courage to get out of my truck. Since I am on a roll of filling him in on everything, I continue with my drinking and what I remember of New Year’s Eve and the subsequent blacking out. He is quiet the whole time. I don’t feel any judgment coming from him. “How long are you stepping away from riding? I watched the Instagram reels. I also told Ashlynn to watch it, because I think it answered her question about how you were doing,” Heath tells me.
I make a huff sound. “Yeah, I needed to step away and get myself straight. I stopped drinking and have been riding nonstop every day. I actually have been staying down in Colorado Springs. You are the only one who knows that. I don’t want Ashlynn to know. I’ve been here since that first weekend in January when I decided to leave Greenville.”
Heath looks over, “How has no one seen you at the parks?”
I smirk over at him. “That’s the beauty of knowing people. I have an old buddy from my skatepark days, whose dad owns a house on a big chunk of land in black forest, which also has a warehouse that he turned into an indoor park for us when it snows. So, I am under all radar because I am inside.”
“Nice,” Heath says.
It’s getting late and I need to get back on the interstate to head back home for the night. Heath can tell I am getting ready to head out, when he asks me, “Have you tried to reach out to her in any way?”
I nod my head once, “Yeah, I have texted her a few times, but they all show as unread. She asked me not to contact her, but I can’t do that. Our pull is too strong, Heath. Even when she is not with me, I feel her.”
He nods in understanding as I speak. When I reach the front door, I find boxes stacked on the porch, both of us having forgotten about the delivery. I quickly help bring them inside. Heath tells me to place them in the room Ashlynn uses to write in. Once I step into it, I see a framed picture of us from Seattle that Nash took. It’s a candid one, where I have her wrapped up in my arms, both of us smiling wide. That gives me hope. Once Heath turns to get another box, I quickly write down a note on a post it and stick it on the table next to the frame, leaving it where I know she will see it.
Before finally getting out of the house, Heath asks, “So, when are you getting back to riding?”
I look at him with a serious look and say, “NOW! I’m going to go back to Greenville and get back to my team and competitions. I will show her that I am back to me and that she means more to me than anything.”
Shrugging his shoulders, he says, “How do you plan on doing that?”
Walking backwards toward my truck, I say, “I have an idea–just watch the next few competitions and you’ll see.”
Before I get into my truck, I ask Heath one more question, probably one I should have started with. “Hey Heath, how is she doing?”
He blows his breath out and I can see it float away in the cold winter night. “She’s doing really good, actually. Been working with a therapist and she is walking to places on her own again.”
All I say to him is, “Good!”
With that, I turn and jump into my truck. After I get into my truck to head back to Colorado Springs to pack up and get back on the scene. I pull up Ashlynn’s text chain and send her two additional texts. These will be the last, because next time, I will be talking to her face to face. I may not know exactly when that will be or how long it will take, but if I have to wait, I will.
After I finished, I even lied to myself by saying just a few texts. Here I am three texts later, spilling my feelings out on the screen. I don’t know when or if she will see them, but they are there for her.