Chapter Five #2
Jack raised his hands. ‘Of course he does. Are you blind? Those two have been joined at the hip since school for a reason. They’ve been pussy-footing around it for years now, but everyone knows they’re meant for each other. You could even ask Peter and the miserable bastard would agree.’
Our heads swivelled to Peter, who grunted, and lifted his huge newspaper, blocking him from sight.
‘See? Peter’s a big softie really. And Ren’s been in love with her for years, even if he didn’t realise it. And I’d guess she is with him too.’
I gave a humourless laugh. ‘You’re wrong. So wrong.’
Liam’s voice was low. ‘I’ve just never heard you admit it. I suspected, obviously. But I’d figured you were just messing with her. Flirting.’
My stomach sank. This was my brother, and this was his low opinion of me. Some dickhead who’d mess with Lydia just for the fun of it.
But isn’t that what you did? A dark, gleeful voice echoes around my head.
Yes, I did. I deserve this. I deserve this feeling of worthless-ness.
Lean into it. Feel it. The voice chanted.
‘You did something.’ By some miracle, Liam’s perception decided to rear its head. ‘You made a mistake and now you don’t know what to do.’
‘Bingo. Would you like your prize? It’s a front-row ticket to my pathetic life.’
‘God, you’re dramatic.’ Jack’s lip twitched, but he had the sense not to laugh directly in my face.
‘Have you tried to fix it? Make it up to her?’
‘Liam, she won’t even speak to me. How am I supposed to make it up to her when she won’t stay in the same room?
She’s literally nicking the rota off Kat just to avoid me at Lily’s – tell me that’s not extreme.
And if we do accidentally bump into each other, she keeps me at arm’s length with that sunshine routine she saves for charity fundraisers on the high street. ’
‘Come on. You’ve got to think bigger. When I wanted Kat to move up here, I didn’t just say it – I renovated her house based on her designs and built her a studio in the garden for her business. It wasn’t about promises. It was about action. I gave her a reason to stay.’
I wanted to point out that, judging by the look on Kat’s face when she looked at Liam, she would have lived in a yurt if it meant being with him.
‘One word,’ Jack announced. ‘Grand gesture.’
‘That’s two words, genius.’
Liam nodded. ‘Grand gesture is the way forward.’
‘If I go with some big grand gesture right now, when she can barely look at me, she’ll destroy me. No. No way.’
Jack chewed his lips, and Liam was thinking so hard he looked constipated.
‘Fine. You’re probably right. But you need to find a way to get through to her.’
‘Pssst.’
The hissing sound had all of us looking around the room.
‘Psssssst.’
‘Are you hearing that?’
‘Oi!’ Sandra barked, coming out from behind the bar. ‘I was trying to be subtle, but you lot have thick skulls.’
Sandra wore her half-pinny to keep her smart trousers clean from spilt beer. Her short, quaffed blonde hair was in its usual style, and today, she wore a striped white-and-black jumper and a scowl on her face, as if we’d ruined her fun.
‘All right, Poirot.’ Liam’s voice was laced with humour. ‘What’s up?’
‘Ren.’ Sandra angled her head. ‘A word.’
She said the last word firmly, transporting me back to when I refused to eat my greens or when Lydia and I had stolen sips of port from the sideboard in their front room.
‘She – she wants to speak to me?’
‘She said your name, so I’d say yeah.’
‘Go on. I’ll watch the dog.’
Liam took Peggy’s lead and shooed me up from my seat.
I walked like a zombie over to Sandra, heavy-footed.
It wasn’t that we weren’t talking, per se.
Sandra had welcomed me back from my travels with a big hug, demanding she wanted to hear stories from my trip.
But we both were navigating around the Lydia-sized elephant in the room.
We were both ignoring it, probably out of respect for our past. Sandra had been like a surrogate mum for me after Mum died.
Sandra picked us up from football practice, cooked us tea and made sure that Dad had the ‘birds and the bees’ talk with us, only to repeat it for good measure, ignoring the hands over our ears in protest. She kept Dad’s head above water after losing Mum, the love of his life, to cancer.
She brought food and did the washing when Dad couldn’t get out of bed.
There was a real, deep history between our families that meant the rupture – the crack between Lydia and me – was more obvious. More painful.
Sandra shuffled into the little kitchen at the rear of the bar, where Liam helped prepare food for events now and then. It was a tight space, and being in such close quarters with a woman whose wrath I’d faced more than once was a little intimidating.
Why did I feel 12 years old again?
‘I’ve had enough,’ she announced and shoved a letter into my hand. ‘Here.’
I glanced down at the letter, my brows drawn together.
‘What is this?’
‘It’s a ticket to a hiking trip. They leave on Monday.’
‘A hiking trip?’ I racked my brain for the missing details. ‘What hiking trip?’
‘The one Lydia and her friends are going on on Monday. You’ll need to buy some supplies, but I’ve covered the cost of your ticket. You should have enough time to pack your stuff and drive to the Peaks on Monday.’
No. Surely Sandra isn’t serious.
‘Sandra, I can’t just join on to a hiking trip, without telling her. Lydia doesn’t want me there.’
Sandra raised a finger at me, her eyes flashing. My stomach dropped through the floorboards into the cellar below.
‘You. Will. Fix. This. Lawrence Hunter,’ she went pink.
‘You will fix whatever you broke. I’m sick of it.
We’re all sick of it. I don’t care if you’re friends or an item.
Yes, don’t act so surprised. I’m not a bleeding idiot.
I don’t care how or what you do, but you will make it up to her and bring back my daughter.
’ Her voice grew thick. ‘You will swear that you’ll make her happy, whether as a friend or more.
Because she needs you, you blithering idiot.
You need each other. She doesn’t want to admit it and I don’t want to either, but she missed you.
She misses you. And I don’t know all the details – I don’t want to, frankly, because I’m worried I’d kill my best friend’s son, and God knows I swore to Lily I’d look after you – but I know you messed something up.
So you’ll fix whatever you’ve broken. Swear it to me. ’
My throat was dry, my eyes stung.
‘Ren. Swear it to me.’
‘I swear.’
Sandra wiped the back of her hand across her face, plastering on a smile her daughter would be proud of, before gently patting my face.
‘Good. Thank you.’ She kissed my cheek before exiting the little kitchen, leaving me with no choice but to follow her wishes.
‘What was that about?’ Liam asked, as I sat back down, a little dazed.
‘Have you heard about this hike Lydia is going on?’
‘Kat mentioned it. Something about dodging a bullet.’ Liam huffed. ‘A big group of them are going – some of Lydia’s friends from the gym. Gen, Claire and – who was the other girl?’
‘Amy,’ I said. My bones felt all soft and weird. ‘And me.’
Liam coughed into his Coke Zero. ‘You’re going?’
Jack chuckled. ‘Well, that’s something.’
My eyes widened. ‘I – I can’t go, can I? I mean, we have Lily’s to run—’
‘Hey, we can sort something out if you want to go—’
‘No,’ I scoffed. ‘This is ridiculous. I can’t join her on some hiking trip like a stalker. I’m going to tell Sandra I can’t do it.’
I rose from my seat until Liam pulled me down in a sharp tug that reminded me of playing (losing) touch rugby with him when I was a kid. Liam’s eyes were wide, as if I was missing the point.
‘Sounds like one hell of a grand gesture, Ren,’ Liam said slowly.
‘Or a way of getting yourself chopped up into little pieces and buried in the woods,’ Jack grinned, shrugging. ‘But yeah. Let’s go with grand gesture.’
‘You’re serious? You think this is a good idea?’
Liam lifted an eyebrow. ‘Have you got anything better? Are you going to keep moping around for the rest of your life? Or are you going to try and win her back?’
For the first time since I came back to Everly Heath – and saw Lydia’s cold, distant expression – something stirred in my chest.
Win her back.
I repeated the words in my head, turning them over. Vignettes juddered to life, like an old cinema reel. Lydia on a trail, the sun turning her hair golden. A backpack strapped to her, that wide smile breaking across her face as she turned to find me behind her.
The feeling grew so much that I could finally put a name to it.
Hope.