Chapter Twenty-Five
Maya
The burn at the back of her throat felt good. But it wasn’t enough. The relentless voices in her head continued to chatter and tease. She downed her drink and flagged the bartender for another. She needed her fallback escape route, to not feel everything for a while. Nothing else was working.
The Globe’s sparse clientele minded their own business. It was only two in the afternoon, but the quiet chatter from the couple in the corner and the two middle-aged men at the end of the bar was comforting. Quiet indie music played through the speakers, and every few minutes came the smashing of pool balls ricocheting.
The world continued ticking over, no matter what happened. Maya found a strange bit of comfort in that. Things couldn’t be broken forever. Even when it felt like they would be.
But she didn’t want to think about Jamie. Or her dad. Whatever fucked-up stuff had happened last year. She didn’t want to think at all.
Her eyes caught on the balder of the two men at the end of the bar. His patchy stubble needed some TLC and his mate’s wasn’t much better. He shook his head at something on his phone, holding it up for his friend to see. Their voices raised; whatever was on the screen was obviously fuelling a negative reaction.
Everyone in the pub at two in the afternoon is probably harbouring their own problems.
Maya paid and sipped her double vodka coke. The fuzzy warmness of the alcohol enveloped her now, and she relaxed into her seat. Yes, she was missing her university lecture. Yes, she’d been avoiding Jamie’s texts—and Hannah’s for that matter—but she didn’t know where to start. Hannah would be mad at Maya for not confiding in her, but she felt pathetic. They’d lost their first game to the Harriers, and it was her fault. She didn’t want to think about anything anymore; she wasn’t equipped to deal with any of it.
That’s what drinking is for, though, right?
She smiled to herself and took another sip, letting out a satisfied breath that caught the attention of the two men at the end of the bar.
“Didn’t think I’d see you here.”
The soft voice from behind her made Maya’s insides shrivel. Surely her imagination was playing a cruel trick on her, but she turned and looked into Carly’s blue eyes.
Carly took a seat next to her, eyed her drink, and gave her a heart-stopping smile. Maya’s gaze dropped down her simple black skater dress and generous cleavage before returning to her face.
Great. Just what I need.
She scanned the bar and let out a sigh of relief when she realised Luke wasn’t with her. That would have been the last nail in her coffin.
“Where’s Luke?” she asked anyway.
You’ve not seen her in months, and that’s the first thing you ask? She giggled, surprised at the sound leaving her mouth.
“How many have you had?” Carly laughed, nudging her, and the feeling tugged at her memories. All the nights they’d spent in their bedrooms. All the times they’d gossiped and joked and blurred the lines. All the feelings she’d had for her. She always showed up at the worst times.
“Just a couple.” She tucked her head into her shirt to avoid smelling Carly’s perfume. She didn’t want to remember those times. She just wanted to forget. Why wouldn’t people leave her alone?
Carly ordered a drink and turned to her, her gaze warming Maya’s cheeks. “You want to sit together and catch up?”
Maya swirled her ice cubes. “Not really.”
“Has something happened?”
“No.”
The bartender brought Carly’s vodka lime soda over, and she thanked him. She bumped Maya with her elbow. “Come on. Have a drink with me.” When Maya didn’t answer, she placed her hand over hers. “Please.”
Maya wanted to blame the alcohol for accepting her invitation. Or maybe it was boredom. Sitting at the bar drinking her sorrows away hadn’t been the relief she’d hoped. The ghosts of the last week still haunted her.
Who even was Jamie Mellor?
They sat at a corner table, away from the speaker. Maya started tearing up a beer mat. Neither of them spoke, but she felt Carly’s eyes on her.
“Why are you here, Carly? You always hated the Globe.”
Carly stiffened a little before righting herself. “Luke likes it. But we don’t need to talk about him.” She reached across the table, brushing her fingers against Maya’s. Maya gripped her glass tighter. “I want to talk about you. ”
“What about me?”
Carly paused, waiting until Maya looked at her before continuing, “I miss you.”
Maya’s default reaction was to scoff, but instead, her stomach tingled. Carly’s eyes held hers, and she smiled. She seemed genuine. Then Carly sighed, shifting herself around the table so they were now sitting side by side.
“I do miss you, Maya.” Their knees brushed together. “We used to be really close.”
Is it the alcohol…or is Carly flirting with me?
Maya swallowed. “A lot has changed since then.”
“Talk to me about it.”
“You don’t want to know.”
“Try me.”
The heat from her thigh pressed against Maya’s, combined with the fuzzy buzz from the vodka, made it hard to think straight. Carly’s kind blue eyes were sucking her in. She was struggling to think of reasons not to talk.
So, with a sigh, she told her about Jamie. Not everything, just the bare details. Carly listened intently, asking questions, touching her arm, giving Maya the attention she’d craved for all those years.
It fed her ego. They drank more. The rest of the Globe faded at the edges. She felt like they’d jumped backwards in a time machine, or fallen into an old fantasy of hers.
“We’ve always had a special connection, don’t you think?” Carly murmured .
Maya finished her drink and pushed the glass away. The multicoloured flags decorating the ceiling blurred into a watercolour mess as she tried to focus on anything other than Carly’s hand on her thigh. She’d accepted that she and Carly were never going to happen. The thought of that changing was seriously fucking with her head. It was impossible. So what was going on? Had Carly really missed her?
“I don’t know, Carly.”
Carly leaned back, her gaze flicking over her. “Because of her?”
Jamie’s face appeared behind Maya’s eyelids. Her cheeky grin and her soft blonde hair. All her fierceness and playfulness. How easily she could switch between different emotions. Her kindness and her silly dancing. The way she’d look at Maya like she was the only thing worth seeing. A warm feeling swelled inside her before she quickly squashed it. She didn’t know how to feel about any of this. Jamie hurt her. She wanted to push it all away. Drink it into something more tangible. But even the alcohol couldn’t help. And now Carly was making it worse.
“I don’t know,” she said.
Would sleeping with Carly make her feel better? Casual sex used to be her go-to, and the alcohol wasn’t working. But could anything be just casual with Carly? Did Maya even want that?
Carly’s phone lit up on the table, and she rushed to darken it .
“Who was that?” Maya asked.
“Just Luke.” Carly squeezed her thigh, and hot pulses swam between her legs.
Fuck. Is she actually into me?
That was all Maya had dreamed about. She looked at her soft pink mouth, and the corners of Carly’s lips pulled upwards. She’d have done anything to close the distance between them once. But something held her back. It felt wrong. Even with the copious amount of alcohol in her system.
Jamie. All she could see was her… Then Carly faded back in. Those curious eyes watching intently. Was she planning on cheating on Luke? That didn’t seem like her. Was she into women, too?
“What would Luke think about your hand on my thigh?” Maya asked.
She wrinkled her nose. “He wouldn’t mind.”
Okay. That pissed her off. “Why not?”
Her face lost a little bit of its composure. “He…doesn’t mind.”
Maya straightened up a little. “What are you saying, Carly?”
Carly chewed her lip, and Maya tried her best to not get distracted. She focused instead on the burning in her chest. What is her angle here?
Carly’s fingers traced circles on Maya’s jeans. “We…well. Luke…erm…” Her fingers stilled, and she exhaled. “You’ve always shown an interest in me, and Luke and I are open to…exploring. ”
What?
Maya’s jaw nearly fell off its hinges. Did she really say that, or have I drunk so much I’ve passed out and started hallucinating?
She gathered her composure. “As in…”
“A threesome,” she said with a playful shrug.
“Oh, wow.” She shook her head, the words slotting themselves together to form a picture. “Fucking hell.”
“So…what do you think?”
Maya laughed and drew her hand away. “To your boyfriend having a fantasy about fucking two women, and you thinking I’m the perfect candidate, having been in love with you for so long? You’re unbelievable, Carly. Wow.”
She stood up, her chair scraping the wooden floor. That wasn’t how she’d imagined she’d tell Carly about her feelings, but it was all out there now. She knew on some level she should rein in her voice, too, but everything bubbled up at once, spewing over like vomit.
“I can’t fucking believe you. You never gave a shit about me, did you? You’ve made me the idiot. Again.”
“Maya, wait.” Carly’s mouth opened and closed, but nothing else came out.
“I can’t believe I almost fell for it. Again. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Maya shook her head. “All this time, you knew. You knew, and I just followed you around like a little puppy. You don’t care about me. You never did. You just call me when you need a pick-me-up, or to please your basketball-bro boyfriend. If things are already stale in the bedroom, well, good luck with that.” Maya had never seen Carly so taken aback, but she wasn’t about to hang around and listen to her bullshit anymore. “Leave me alone, Carly. I’m done with you.”
The Globe had got a lot busier without Maya noticing, and she drew the eye of the crowd as she stormed out of the door and onto the street outside. She didn’t know where she was going, but she knew what she needed.
More alcohol.
* * *
Maya opened her eyes, everything a dark blur. A sharp scent of vomit tugged at her stomach, and she gagged, rocking forward.
Where am I?
“Hey, Maya. It’s okay,” a voice spoke softly to her right. “You’re nearly home.”
She turned to the sound and squinted her eyes. The humming and motion told her she was in a car, but the voice confused her. The figure leaned back, and a flash of light rolled across her face.
She took in her straight nose and kind brown eyes. “Leah?”
“Yeah, it’s me.” Leah put a hand on her shoulder. The smell of sick wafted up Maya’s nostrils again, and she groaned, noticing that she was covered in—she assumed—her own vomit.
“What…happened?” She blinked, trying to dislodge this sensation and make some sense. Why is Leah here? Who’s driving?
“It’s alright. You’re safe now. Look, you’re home.” The car stopped, and Maya dizzily looked outside. What time is it?
She racked her brain but couldn’t remember anything.
“Thanks, mate,” Leah addressed the driver, leaning forward. “I’ll just be a minute while I get her inside.” Then she turned to Maya. “Come on.”
She staggered to the house with Leah’s support, head spinning and protesting with each movement. What’s going on?
The door opened before they reached it. Her mum’s face fell when she saw Maya, and she clambered down the steps in her white dressing gown, hair ruffled by sleep.
“Jesus, Maya. Look at the state of you. What happened?”
The last thing she needed was a Mum lecture. She couldn’t stop herself from rolling her eyes. “Don’t start, Mum. You…lemon.”
Her mum inspected her dirty outfit and let out a sigh. “Thank you for bringing her home, Leah.”
Since when were they on a first-name basis? Maya would ask, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.
“No problem.” Leah rubbed Maya’s shoulder. “I’ll see you at uni. ”
“Can’t wait.”
After she’d gone, Maya wished she’d thanked her, but all she wanted to do was close her eyes, lie down, and pretend none of this was happening. The taxi pulled away, and her mum helped her inside.
The door closed behind them. The warm light from the lamp partially illuminated the living room. Everything else was in darkness. Had her mum been waiting up? She kicked off her shoes while her mum watched.
Her mum sighed. “Are you alright?”
“I’m great.”
“No, you’re not.” Her gaze held hers, piercing through the walls.
Maya’s eyes pricked, and she wished the tears away. She was supposed to have her shit together. She was supposed to be the one helping. She didn’t want to cry in front of anyone. Especially not her mum.
“Oh, Maya, love. What’s wrong?” Her mum pulled her into her, and she collapsed, breathing in her flowery perfume. She sobbed into the soft cotton of her dressing gown while her mum rubbed her back.
She pulled away. “Sorry, I’m getting stuff all over you.”
“It’s okay. Nothing a bit of Grandma’s Vanish won’t fix. Or one of the Witch Club’s concoctions.”
They both laughed, but Maya’s smile quickly faded. Everything ached. Her head. Her stomach. Her chest. It all felt such a mess.
The emotions surged up, and she let out another sob .
“Oh, come on, love. Let’s get you upstairs.”
Her mum guided her into the bathroom, taking off her dirty clothes and helping her into the shower. She sat on the tiles while the water fell over her. Her mum washed her hair, the scent of strawberry shampoo replacing the stench of booze and sick.
Her mum let her cry for a while as all her feelings fought for centre stage. Hurt. Embarrassment. Guilt. Regret.
She was hurt that Jamie hadn’t confided in her. Confused about the revelations about her dad and former coach. Was there more Jamie wasn’t saying? Had Maya judged her too quickly? Did Jamie even like her at all? She was embarrassed at letting her team down. Getting a red card and losing to their arch rivals was the worst game of her life. She felt guilt and shame about her behaviour. Regret about pushing her friends away. Anger at Carly. Sadness at it all.
Sadness won out, drowning the others with its weight.
After her mum had washed the last of the suds out of her hair, she wrapped a towel around her and helped her to her bedroom to put on clean pyjamas. Maya sunk into bed, feeling clean but heavy.
Her mum sat next to her. “I’ve been thinking a lot about things lately.” She softly brushed Maya’s drying hair from her face. “I know we don’t speak about your dad. That probably wasn’t fair of me, but…I loved him very much. ”
Maya’s breath caught in her throat. Her mum rarely mentioned her dad at all. They’d had a holiday romance when they were travelling, and Maya was the byproduct. She’d only seen grainy pictures of them together. She’d inherited his Spanish complexion and dark eyes, but she’d never really thought of him in any other way.
“We’d been dating for a while. Casual,” she continued. “But we’d spoken about travelling into Portugal together. And I was young. I would’ve followed him anywhere.” She gave Maya a small smile. “So when I woke to find he’d packed his bags and left without me, I was heartbroken. No note. Nothing.”
“Did you have his number?”
“No. Things were different in those days. We didn’t have social media or anything. He was just gone.”
Jesus. That takes ghosting to a whole new level.
“I’m sorry, Mum.”
“It’s okay. He gave me the best thing.”
Don’t say me.
“…You.”
Maya cringed. “That’s so cliché.”
“It’s true.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
Her mum pressed her lips together and exhaled. “Well. After what happened with your dad…I didn’t want a relationship. I’d just got you. I didn’t want to let anyone jeopardise that. I couldn’t risk it.” Her voice softened, and in the darkness of Maya’s bedroom, her mum almost felt like a different person. As though Maya had fallen into an alternate universe when she’d stumbled out of the Globe. “I shut myself off and threw myself into work,” her mum went on. “It was safer that way. More manageable. I thought I was doing what was best. For us. But playing it safe only takes you so far. If you never risk anything, you’re not really living.”
Her words tangled themselves around Maya’s intestines and squeezed.
“You don’t have to tell me what happened,” she continued. “But putting yourself out there in the first place is brave.”
Maya swallowed. “It doesn’t feel it.” It made her feel cowardly, like packing all her stuff into a polka-dot bundle and running far away. Twice she’d let someone close enough to hurt her. Carly wasn’t Jamie—not at all. But the result had been the same. She didn’t want to keep feeling like this.
“Did she hurt you?” her mum asked.
The tightness in Maya’s chest intensified. Her mum definitely knew about Jamie. “Yeah. I think I hurt her too, though.”
“Sometimes we hurt the people we love. We can’t help it. It doesn’t mean we’re bad people, just that we’re human.” She tapped her fingers on the duvet. “But being vulnerable is beautiful. Opening yourself up even when you’ve been hurt shows just how big your heart is. Don’t hide those parts of yourself away.”
Maya shook her head, not quite wanting to hear what her mum was saying .
“Do you remember Adrian? And Scott?”
She nodded. They’d been some of Mum’s boyfriends. She remembered Adrian always trying to talk to her about football, even though he didn’t really understand it or know any of the recent players. She didn’t know why either of them had stopped coming over; she’d never really given it much thought. “Why did you break up?”
Her mum gave her a sad smile. “I got too scared. Whenever they got close, I just…pushed them away. It was easier. Less risky.”
Maya understood that.
“But it was harder too. Living with the ‘what if’, with regret. I’ve no idea what could have happened if I’d just taken a leap of faith. But I was scared. I don’t want that for you too.”
Maya’s eyes prickled again. She and her mum were a lot more alike than she’d thought. Grandma was right. That news felt foreign to her. She didn’t know what to do with all this information.
“I’m sorry for pushing you away too, Maya.” Her mum sniffed, her voice wobbling. “I know that I’ve done that. Relied too much on my parents to pick up the slack.”
Her mum had been younger than her when she was pregnant, and being a single parent couldn’t have been easy. Their relationship wasn’t perfect, but Maya reached for her hand, a new wave of understanding dawning on her. “I’m sorry too, Mum.”
They spoke a little more. Maya told her about her feelings for Jamie, and the breakdown of her friendship with Carly. Then, when she couldn’t fight off her yawns any longer, they agreed it was time to go to bed.
“Mum?”
Her mum turned, a dark silhouette at the door.
Maya smiled at her. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, love. Now get some rest. Or you’ll have an even nastier hangover in the morning.”
She closed the door, and Maya was enveloped in darkness. All she could think about was Jamie. She knew what she needed to do. Time for a leap of faith.
She just needed some sleep first.