Chapter Twenty-Six
Maya
Maya spent most of the next day in bed with the hangover from hell, rewatching The L Word on her old laptop. It brought a little comfort to know her life was never going to reach that level of Tibette dramatics—almost throwing up every half hour was quick to negate that relief, however.
The following day, freshly showered and dressed in her favourite navy plaid shirt, she tidied the hoard of plates and cups she’d stashed in her room and then cleaned up downstairs. Her mum and Grandma were out doing the big food shop, so she made Grandpa a cup of tea before she had to leave to catch her bus.
She knocked at his door. The squabbling from the TV crackled through the speakers, and his kind eyes flicked to hers as she entered, crinkling at the edges.
“Hey, kid.”
“Hey, Grandpa.” She placed his tea on the table beside his bed. “How you doing?”
His wispy grey hair sprung out from all angles, reminding her of Albert Einstein without the moustache. His fingers moved over the trim of his green cardigan, drawing her eye to the pin there that they’d won for him at the seaside. “All the better for seeing you. No tea today?”
“No, I’m about to head out, actually. Just wanted to see if you wanted anything before I go. Mum and Grandma should be back soon, but if I don’t get this bus, the next one isn’t for an hour.”
He nodded, giving her a knowing look. “You goin’ to see her?”
“Yeah. I need to sort this out.” Maya sighed. He must have heard some of the commotion the other night, but how much did he know? “I’m sorry if I woke you up. I’d had a bit too much to drink and—”
He held up his hand. “Let me stop ya there. Your mother should’ve never let ya back here in the first place.”
Maya’s mouth fell open. What?
“I said not to let ya move back, but did they listen to me? No. They think I’ve lost me marbles.”
“Grandpa, what are you talking about? It was my decision, and I wanted to do it.”
He sighed. “I don’t want you to…miss out on your life ’cos of me.”
Maya’s chest tightened. “Grandpa. Don’t say that.” She took a seat in the armchair next to him.
“I’ve had my life. Yours is just startin’. You’re so sweet for wanting to help.” He shook his head. “But, goddammit, I was furious.”
“I wouldn’t change it.”
He looked at her then, dark eyes really searching. “What are ya scared of?”
She exhaled an uncertain breath and tried to cover it with laughter. That wasn’t exactly an easy question to answer. “Erm…well…everything.”
“You can’t spend your whole life being scared… It’s gonna happen anyway, kid. You don’t wanna miss it.”
Maya folded her hands in her lap, her mind starting to gear into overdrive. “I just never know if I’m making the right choices.”
“Well, let me tell ya a secret. No bugger does.” He grinned his toothy smile. “You think I’ve never made mistakes? Your grandma? Your mum? We make them all the time. It’s how you learn from ’em that matters.”
Maya smiled. “ Thanks, Grandpa.”
“Take my car,” he said, his head nodding like a bobble head.
“Grandpa, I can’t do that—”
“Take it!”
“It’s illegal. I haven’t passed my test yet.”
“Rubbish. In my day, me, Roger, and Loopy would steal our dads’ cars with less a fuss.”
She shook her head, a laugh forming in her throat. “It’s sweet of you to offer—though you haven’t seen me drive yet. I could easily wreck it.”
One side of Grandpa’s mouth crept up into a smile. “No, ya wouldn’t.”
“No.” She’d probably drive that car so carefully and slowly, it’d be quicker to take the bus anyway.
They both chuckled, then Grandpa flashed another lopsided grin at her. “Go on, then. What’re you waiting for, kid? Get outta here.”
* * *
Maya brushed down her jeans and shirt, hoping the combination of the bus smell and the orange-fingered passenger scoffing cheesy puffs hadn’t rubbed off on her. Nerves coiled tightly in her belly as she walked the path to Jamie’s accommodation.
Jamie should have free periods this morning, but now Maya was edging closer to her door, doubt crept in. She should’ve texted her first. Of course—she should’ve texted her first! She might not even want to see her. Her heart sank.
She pulled her phone from her pocket and fired off a message.
Can I speak to you please? Are you in?
She paced the entryway, browsing the ancient-looking sweets in the vending machine, then looked through the flyers left on top of the mailboxes. A scraggly looking dude wearing an equally tatty denim shirt greeted her as he lazily opened his post.
He sifted through the flyers with grubby fingers. “If I get one more piece of paper for Rosie’s, man, I’ll burn that place down.” He dumped them in the bin—overflowing with takeaway leaflets and more of the same Rosie’s flyers—and left through the doors, taking the cloud of weed stench with him.
I guess not everyone has an appreciation for Jerome the parrot.
Her phone vibrated with a reply from Jamie.
When?
Now? She messaged immediately.
The dots bounced, and she strolled down the hall towards Jamie’s door. Her heart was thumping hard against her ribcage, making the nerves coil tighter and tighter with each step.
Are you already here?
Before she could answer, Jamie’s door opened down the hall, and she poked her head out, mouth slack, blonde hair sticking up in all directions.
Maya’s heart squeezed. She’d missed her more than she’d admit to herself .
“Hey,” Maya said.
Jamie slumped against the door. The usual electric Jamie-energy was nowhere to be seen as her tired eyes combed over her. “What’re you doing here?” she asked, one hand still gripping the door handle.
“I want to talk to you.”
“You could’ve given me some warning.”
“I…did.”
Her eyebrow arched. “Hardly.”
Maya aimed her puppy eyes and smile in her direction. “Sorry.”
Jamie sighed, leaning back to make room for her. “And you used to say I was a stalker.”
She led the way through the living room, and Maya caught a glimpse of something made out of old socks. Must be some new project the Morley twins were working on.
Jamie’s bedroom was the messiest she’d ever seen it—which still made it tidier than her own. Her dirty clothes were piled up on the chair in the corner, books and sheets of paper were spread over the floor like she’d dropped them and forgotten to pick them up. Jamie scooped up some of the pieces with her foot as she walked by, then flipped the notebook closed on her bedside table.
A strained silence lay in the air between them. Maya hated it.
“What’s that the twins are making?” she asked.
“Something for their art project. Finally solved the mystery of my missing socks. ”
Maya wanted to make a joke about it, to tease her, but the mood made her swallow her comment.
Jamie sat on her bed with a sigh. When Maya hovered awkwardly, not knowing whether to join her, she patted the space beside her.
Maya fought the instinct to reach out and cup her face as she joined her on the bed. Jamie’s sunken blue eyes wandered the walls around them, holding so much sadness she wanted to clutch her close to her chest and not let go. She hadn’t even reached out to her to see if she was okay. She’d been spending too much time feeling sorry for herself.
Nice going, Maya.
“How are you?” she asked, afraid to hear the answer.
“Not great. How about you?”
“Yeah, not great.” She shifted on the bed. Had Leah told her what had happened? Where was she even supposed to start? Words never did come easily to her. How could she begin to unravel everything tangled in her brain?
She looked at Jamie again. The soft slope of her nose and her chin dimple. The heart-shaped curve of the mouth that was usually grinning or laughing at something—now downturned and sad. There was not a lot Maya hated more than seeing Jamie upset, but Maya being the reason for it was crushing.
“I’m sorry, Jamie,” she began, her voice sticking in her throat. “I’m sorry for the way I reacted. I was caught off guard, and my head was all over the place.” She looked away. Jamie’s gaze on her made it difficult to think. She picked at the skin of her thumb.
“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner,” Jamie said quietly. “It’s just…kind of impossible to talk about.” She shook her head. “I tried. I promise you, I did try to tell you. But as soon as I felt you looking at me, I couldn’t get the words out.”
Maya knew the feeling. Suddenly, she had an idea. Jamie flinched as she leaped off the bed and crossed the room to the light switch. In Maddie’s safe space, the darkness had been comforting, like she was sharing her feelings with the endless sky. They didn’t have a projector this time, but she hoped it would bring a similar sense of safety. She flipped the switch, and the room was cloaked in darkness.
She fumbled her way back to the bed, feeling half as confident in her theory and twice as stupid. The slivers of light poking either side of the blinds helped guide the way just enough for her not to trip and fall.
“Is my bed hair really that bad?” Jamie said as Maya rejoined her. In the darkness of the room, Maya could just make out her fuzzy silhouette, but none of her sad features.
“My friend does this,” she explained. “It makes it easier to talk about things when you can’t see people looking at you. I thought it might help.”
Jamie sighed. “I don’t know, Maya.”
“Do you want me to go first?” When Jamie didn’t reply, she sucked in a deep breath and let it go. “I’ve realised quite a lot about myself the last few days. You asked me at the beach why I used to drink, right?” She took another breath to steady herself and calm her thundering heart. “I said it was to forget, but maybe it was more about running away. I think I’ve been running away from a lot of things for a while. The future. The past. Well, even the present.”
She remembered Grandpa’s words in her head. You can’t spend ya whole life being scared.
“I think the reality is that I’m scared. That’s what it boils down to. I’m scared of letting down my family, of being a failure. I wanted to prove Mum wrong, for all of it to mean something. I was scared of everything changing. Of losing Carly. About my life after this. But most of all, I’m scared of my feelings for you.”
The words sucked up all the air in the room.
Jamie put her hand on Maya’s leg. She exhaled a shaky breath, touched by her gesture of comfort.
“What is it that scares you?” Jamie asked.
“There’s so much force in these feelings. I think I’m terrified to give somebody that power over me. ’Cos if I did, they’d have the power to break me. How could I let them do that?”
Maya’s eyes pricked, and she squeezed them shut. It was a constant battle, siphoning as much of herself as she could give away. She didn’t want to have to do that anymore.
She opened her eyes and tried to find Jamie’s in the darkness. “I don’t want to spend my whole life scared. I know there’s no guarantees of this working out or of you not breaking my heart, but if I don’t give us a chance, it’s going to break my heart anyway. There’s risk. There’s always going to be…but I don’t want to live with regret. I want to take a leap of faith. With you. If you want that.” She threaded her fingers through Jamie’s, brushing her thumb over her knuckles. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you. I think in some way I was just looking for any excuse to not make this work. Anything to push you away. To protect myself. So when I heard what happened, my brain just seized it and ran with it. I’m really sorry.”
Jamie squeezed her hand. “Thank you. Thanks for being so honest with me. I know it’s not always easy for you.” She blew out a breath, and it tickled Maya’s face. Maya wished she could see her expression, but she let herself be guided by her voice.
“Football was my life,” Jamie went on. “The team. My friends. All of it. We were unbeatable. The team was very competitive, as you know. Dad used that to his advantage.” She paused, and Maya’s heart jumped into her throat. “I was seeing a girl on the team, that’s true. I just didn’t think it was my dad’s idea to cover his own tracks. To think he did that under my nose, and to pit people against each other, makes me sick.” She swallowed. “I couldn’t believe it when it came out. It didn’t feel real. It was awful, but I didn’t think for one second that the team would all turn their backs on me. I hadn’t known anything about it. They were supposed to be my friends. But that’s people for you. They changed at the drop of a hat, making out like I was in on this sick scheme. It didn’t even make sense. What would I get out of something like that? But they just wanted to play whatever narrative suited them.”
Maya’s chest ached. She’d never heard Jamie sound so small, so defeated. It made her want to go back in time and make the Harriers pay for everything they’d done to her. Especially her dad. Jamie deserved to be treated better by the world. She had the biggest heart Maya had ever known.
She hated that Robyn had made her doubt that. She tried to quell the anger churning inside. Jamie wasn’t finished yet. She squeezed her hand.
“We used to get hate mail. Things thrown at the house. My teammates wouldn’t talk to me. How was what my dad did my fault?” Jamie broke into a sob, and Maya pulled her close, wrapping her arms around her. She rocked her as she cried on her chest. “I had to hide that entire summer,” Jamie said. “Do you know how embarrassing that is?”
“I’m so sorry,” Maya whispered into her hair, breathing in her scent. “I hate that you went through that.”
She held her while she cried, all the time her heart threatening to burst. How could they do that to her? How could her dad? She really wanted to ask the questions, but she didn’t want to push her. She understood how hard it was to open up. She combed her fingers through Jamie’s thick hair, holding her close in the safety of the darkness. When she’d stopped heaving, Maya brushed her wet cheeks with her fingers. She never wanted Jamie to feel this way ever again.
“How are things at home now?” she asked.
Jamie let out a humourless laugh. “Dad’s doing everything to portray the perfect husband, of course. Thinks he can buy us back with his money.”
Maya thought about Jamie’s newest-edition Nike trainers. How she’d always got the latest football boots.
“I don’t know if Mum will leave him, though,” she continued. “I want her to. They still argue all the time. Seems like moving house and running away doesn’t solve all your problems.”
“I’m sorry.” Maya didn’t know what to say to make it better. She supposed there wasn’t anything. So she just held her tighter. “Thank you for telling me.”
“I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. It’s just so embarrassing, then the longer I left it, the worse it became. And then I got scared because…what if you believed them too? I didn’t want to lose you. Not after everything else.”
Maya rocked her as another sob wracked her body. Then she kissed her head, her temple, her cheek. “I’m here. I’m sorry. I’m here, okay.”
They stayed like that for a while before lying down on her bed. Maya wrapped her arms and legs around Jamie like a cocoon and snuggled into her neck. Her cries and tears subsided eventually, leaving their hearts coming together in a steady rhythm. Maya could finally breathe.
It felt like they’d been lost to the darkness for hours. But they were safe there. A part of Maya never wanted to leave. Then she remembered what she’d brought with her.
“Hey,” she whispered, tracing her fingers down Jamie’s arm. “I made you something.”
“What is it?” she asked, a little groggily.
Maya fought the discomfort spreading up her neck. Maybe Jamie would think she was stupid. She pushed those thoughts away. She knew Jamie wouldn’t be like that. Being so vulnerable just didn’t come easily to her.
“I, uh, made you a CD. With all the songs that make me think of you.”
“You did what?” Jamie wriggled in her grip, moving into a sitting position. “Really? You made me a CD?”
“Yeah. My favourite of the eighties ones you showed me. And some others.” It’d been her mum’s idea initially. She’d said it was something they used to do when they were younger, and Maya thought it would be right up Jamie’s alley. Maya was glad the lights were off so Jamie couldn’t see her blushing face. She’d even added the song she did her striptease to as a bonus track.
“A CD? How retro of you. That is so adorable! I want to see it.”
Jamie’s hands searched for her face, and then she kissed her, missing her lips and grazing her nose. They laughed, finding and melting into each other’s mouths. What was intended as a soft kiss of appreciation quickly intensified.
It’d felt like years since she’d had Jamie’s lips on hers. She was starving for her taste .
Jamie’s fingers curled around her jaw as she kissed her deeper. Maya leaned into the sensation, warm gooey heat pooling in her stomach, and pulled her closer. She shifted her weight, flipping Jamie onto her side and slipping her tongue into her mouth.
“Fuck,” she cursed, kissing her harder, her hands touching her everywhere. She broke the kiss, brushing her lips over Jamie’s jawline so she could kiss her favourite place behind her ear. Jamie shuddered underneath her touch, and she sucked at the delicate skin, spurred on by the whimper leaving her throat.
“I missed you,” she said, sliding her hands under Jamie’s white cotton T-shirt, her fingertips circling the soft skin of her back. She dug in her nails, and Jamie groaned into her mouth.
“Can we turn the light on now?”