Chapter 25
Mac was quite glad to discover that Tricia wasn’t at home that evening. He liked her very much, but he needed to talk to Evan, and it was going to be awkward enough without having Evan’s wife bobbing in and out with cups of tea – as lovely as she was.
‘Tricia’s relieved you’re here tonight,’ Evan told him as he led him into the living room.
‘She’s going to one of them make-up parties at her friend’s down the road.
I don’t know why she does it, you know. She’ll go there and spend a small fortune on eye stuff and lipsticks and whatever it is they wear, then she’ll come home and put it all in a drawer and it’ll never see the light of day.
You should see how much of it she throws away. ’
‘I expect it’s more of a social thing,’ Mac suggested.
‘It would be cheaper to go to the pub with her friends,’ he said with a grunt. ‘Anyway,’ he added, brightening, ‘she hasn’t cooked for us because I told her we’d get a takeaway. We never have takeaways and I’ve been fancying a Chinese for bloody months. What do you say?’
Mac smiled. ‘Sounds good to me.’
It was almost an hour before the takeaway was finally delivered, and Mac and Evan sat on the sofa, trays on their laps, tucking into various dishes and agreeing that this was probably the tastiest meal they’d ever eaten in their lives.
‘Don’t ever tell Tricia I said that,’ Evan warned.
‘I won’t. I won’t say anything to Alison either. She’s cooked me a few meals recently and I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings.’
‘Terrible cook?’
‘No. Actually, she’s come on in leaps and bounds. We both have. But it’s all healthy stuff, and there’s something irresistible about a mixed curry with rice, isn’t there? And these little spring rolls. And those prawn crackers.’
‘Forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest,’ Evan agreed. ‘Best to limit it to the occasional treat, though.’ He took a bite of a spring roll and chewed thoughtfully. ‘You’ve mentioned her a few times now – this Alison. Getting serious, is it?’
‘She’s just a friend,’ Mac said, his cheeks burning.
‘Hmm. Tell your face that.’ Evan grinned. ‘There’s no shame in it, you know. I’d be delighted for you. Just what you need, if you ask me.’
Mac swallowed a piece of curried chicken and took a gulp of water – not because the curry was hot but because his face was. This was what he’d come here for, wasn’t it? To talk things over with Evan. Get his perspective on a situation that Mac felt was running away with him.
‘Thing is,’ he said uncertainly, ‘it’s kind of moved on from friendship.’
Evan beamed at him. ‘Excellent! I’m so pleased for you.’
‘It’s complicated though, isn’t it?’ Mac asked desperately. ‘I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing.’
‘Whyever not? You clearly like the woman. You’ve certainly spent enough time with her recently.
The two of you must be cordon bleu chefs by now!
’ He narrowed his eyes. ‘When you say “things have moved on from friendship”, what exactly do you mean?’ He threw up his hands, almost knocking the tray off his lap.
‘No gory details, please! I’m an old man. My heart couldn’t stand it.’
Mac laughed. ‘Nothing like that. But… Well, I tend to walk her home after she’s been at mine, and – well – we kiss outside the caravan.’
‘Kiss outside the caravan?’ Evan roared with laughter. ‘Sounds like a teenage romance movie.’
‘I know. Pathetic, isn’t it?’
‘No, no! That’s not what I meant.’ Evan looked deeply apologetic. ‘I’m sorry. I really wasn’t making fun of you. It’s quite sweet. It just sounded so funny, that’s all. The way you put it. So, it’s just a kiss?’
‘Every evening I see her,’ Mac admitted.
‘Do you really like her then?’
Mac prodded a prawn with his fork. ‘I really do,’ he said at last. ‘To be honest, I always did. She was my childhood sweetheart.’ He gave Evan a wry look. ‘She just didn’t know it. I was mad about her when we were at primary school, but she never showed any interest in me whatsoever.’
‘Well, she’s showing interest in you now.’
‘Yes, but, she’s a widow. I have to be careful.’
‘How long has she been a widow, did you say?’
‘Nine years.’
Evan waved a hand dismissively. ‘Nine years! Well, she’s hardly rushing into anything then, is she?’
‘I know, but it’s still delicate, isn’t it? She loved him. A lot. And I know she still misses him.’
‘Well, of course she does. He was her husband. You’ll have to learn to accept that, Mac, if you’re to have a future with her.’
‘I do accept it, of course I do. It’s not just that, though. Alison’s not the problem, is she? It’s me. I’m the bloody problem.’
Evan sighed. ‘I don’t see why.’
‘Really? After everything that’s happened?’
Evan leaned back in the sofa and helped himself to a large piece of curried beef, which he chewed thoughtfully as he contemplated the issue.
‘Well,’ he said finally, ‘I’m not an expert on these matters, of course, but haven’t you been taught to live in the present? Forget about the past. Don’t worry about the future. Concentrate only on today. Isn’t that what Doug always said to you?’
‘He did.’
‘And what would Doug be telling you to do now?’
Mac thought about it. ‘I think… I think he’d be telling me to go for it,’ he admitted at last. ‘I think he’d be saying that I’ve worked hard to put my life straight, and that I’ve paid the price for what I did in the past. I think he’d tell me to grab a chance of happiness while I can, because you’re a long time dead. ’
Evan nodded. ‘Well, there you go then.’
‘What if I let her down though? If things go wrong between us… Look, Evan, right now I’m doing okay.
I’m settling in at Watersmeet. I’m happy looking after the animals.
All right, I still haven’t figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I feel calm and stable and happy.
If it wasn’t for the people I’ve lost along the way, and all the hurt I’ve caused, I’d say life’s pretty good.
But if Alison and I go any further – if we get really involved – I’m making myself vulnerable again. ’
‘Go on,’ Evan said, listening intently. ‘In what way?’
‘If I let myself fall in love with her and then we row or break up… would I be able to stay this balanced and steady? Or would I end up back where I started? How do I take the risk?’
‘I suppose,’ Evan said thoughtfully, ‘you have to decide if the risk is worth taking. There’s nothing else for it.
You either choose to remain as you are and potentially miss out on something wonderful, or you go for it, knowing that it makes you vulnerable, but it could also be the best thing that ever happened to you. ’
‘Which do I choose?’ Mac asked, feeling anguished. ‘What do I do?’
‘Only you can decide that,’ Evan said. ‘I think, the way you and Alison are going, feelings are only going to grow and deepen anyway. Maybe you’re at the point where it’s either let her go now to save the potential pain, or go all in: decide this is what you want and that you’re going to do everything in your power to make it work. ’
As Mac rubbed his forehead worriedly, Evan asked gently, ‘Is it what you want? Is she worth the gamble?’
They stared at each other and Evan sighed. ‘The risk. Is she worth the risk? I’m going to make us a cup of tea while you think it over.’
Mac pushed his food around on the plate, mulling over the conversation.
Alison was wonderful, and he was waking up happy for the first time in years.
He’d been terrified, kissing her for the first time, but she’d been so warm and welcoming, and clearly glad that he’d done it.
In the days that had followed it had become something they did – a kiss outside the caravan before they said goodnight.
Half the time it was Alison who initiated it, and he’d got the distinct impression recently that she’d be happy to go further.
And he wanted to. Oh, a part of him longed to. But the fear…
‘Is she worth the gamble?’ Evan had asked.
The truth was, Mac wasn’t sure anything was. He had way too much to lose.