Chapter 27
I offered to help cook tonight but Mac says he’s got it all under control and it’s my reward for being so brave at the retinal screening yesterday!
He’s so lovely. I can’t believe my luck really, and I’m sure Drew would approve.
He’d be happy for me. I know it. I just don’t know how Jenna would take it.
But then, there’s no need for her to know, is there? I don’t know where this is going. Mac might not feel the same way I do after all, and I can’t exactly ask him, can I? But sometimes I think I can see it in his eyes, so…
‘Can you believe it’s nearly April?’ Alison mused, as they leaned against the fence, arms folded, watching Jamie Fraser and Ellen MacKenzie grazing contentedly in the dusk.
She and Mac had eaten a delicious meal of slow-cooked beef casserole and had decided that, rather than sitting around watching television or talking, they’d burn off some of the calories by walking around Watersmeet and saying goodnight to the animals.
Mac had to shut the ducks and hens up anyway, and Alison said she’d like to go with him.
They’d put the Bennet Sisters and the Dickensian Ducks away for the night, made sure the ponies had water and hay and were healthy and happy, and had now arrived at the cattle pasture.
They’d left Carne in the garden, where he was having his usual mad half hour, galloping up and down and tiring himself out before bed.
Mrs Beddows had done one of her vanishing acts.
Mac suspected she was in someone else’s house, conning them out of food.
‘The clocks go forward tonight. Well, tomorrow morning. An hour less in bed,’ he said.
Alison kept her gaze firmly on the cattle, not wanting her expression to reveal that she’d had a sudden image of herself and Mac waking up together in his bed.
What, she wondered, was his bedroom like?
She’d seen it, of course, when he’d given her and Rosie a tour of Watersmeet, but she hadn’t really taken much notice.
She couldn’t even remember which bedroom was his.
Would she ever get the chance to find out?
She hid a smile as, in her mind, she heard Rosie’s voice saying, Blimey, Ali! What’s come over you? Good for you, I say. Now, how are you going to move things forward a bit?
But then there was also the thought of Jenna, and what she’d say. She pushed that image away. She didn’t want anything to spoil this perfect moment, as she and Mac stood in the gathering dusk on the shores of the Humber, watching these beautiful red beasts grazing.
They’d been moved from the winter fields back to their favourite pasture.
Mac’s friend Evan had told him that they liked to watch people passing by, and now that spring was upon them there’d soon be plenty of people wandering along the footpath by the river, gazing in admiration at the two noble Highlanders.
‘Egg production’s picked up, too,’ Mac said. ‘The ducks and the hens had a little gift for me this morning. I’ll be eating eggs for breakfast, dinner and tea at this rate.’
‘Your mum used to sell the eggs,’ she told him. ‘She used to put them outside and leave an honesty box there.’
‘An honesty box.’ She loved the way his eyes lit up when he smiled. ‘I think it’s fantastic that we live in a place where you can put eggs outside for sale and just leave an honesty box there, don’t you?’
Her own smile faded. ‘Except, I don’t live here. Not really. And I’ll be going home soon.’
It was hard to believe that in little over a month Project Alison would be over, and she’d be back in Hull. She couldn’t believe how fast time was flying by.
‘Will you miss it?’ he asked, turning away from her to focus on the Highlands.
‘I won’t miss the commute!’ She had to make a joke of it, because if she didn’t, she might just cry.
‘Fair enough.’
‘I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself really,’ she admitted. ‘I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life. I have no idea what’s next.’
‘What do they call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer,’ he joked.
‘That,’ she told him sternly, ‘wasn’t even funny the first time I heard it back in primary school.’
‘Aw, come on. It was a bit funny!’
Seeing his pleading expression made her laugh. ‘Okay. Maybe a teensy bit.’
‘I’ll take that. And if it’s any consolation, you’re not the only one at a crossroads.
I really haven’t got a clue what I’m going to do with myself.
You know, it seemed easy enough before – winter, hibernation, that sort of thing.
But now it’s spring and I feel as if I can’t hide away any longer.
It’s time to do something with my life, but what? ’
‘Would you be interested in buying and selling commercial property again?’ she asked, tentatively, not sure if his old profession held too many unhappy memories.
‘No,’ he said briefly. ‘I’ve moved on. That’s something Ian did, not Mac.’
‘You really do separate the two, don’t you?’ she said curiously. ‘Ian and Mac. Like they’re two different people.’
‘They are,’ he said firmly. ‘I left Ian behind in his old life. Now I need to figure out what kind of life Mac’s going to have.’
She wondered if it was because of the bullying that he wanted to leave Ian behind, though it seemed to her that life had been very cruel to him in many respects.
What with the kids at school assaulting him, and then his business partner and so-called best friend betraying him in the worst possible way with his then wife.
Even his children seemed to have abandoned him.
It didn’t seem fair that someone as lovely and kind-hearted and gentle as he was should have been so badly treated.
To think, she’d once believed he had a charmed life!
‘Well,’ she said, ‘what sort of thing would you like to do? Have you any ideas?’
‘Not really. I just know I’d like to make a difference, before it’s too late. Do something good, you know? Help someone, somehow.’
That was so typical of him. She’d never met anyone with such a pure soul.
‘I do know how you feel. I’ve been thinking for ages that I should be doing something more with my life than working in a petrol station.’
‘Do you regret leaving teaching then?’ he asked. ‘Because you said yourself you weren’t happy doing that any longer, and at least with the petrol station you have no responsibility.’
‘No, I’m not thinking about teaching.’ She sighed.
‘I wish I knew what I was thinking about. It’s just…
well, I know this may sound odd, but I keep thinking about Drew.
He was so young. Far too young to die. We had all these plans, and then it was all taken away from us.
And I think, I’m still here, and what am I doing with this extra life I’ve been given?
The trouble is, what can I do at my age? ’
‘I think we’re both very, very fortunate that we can afford to take our time to think about it,’ he said.
‘I know. Look at our Rosie. She’s got three jobs: cleaning at the pub and the caravan park and working in the chippy in Millensea.
Bless her, she works so hard and for very little financial reward.
But the thing is, she’s happy. Really happy.
And I think that’s the difference, isn’t it?
Take Jenna, for instance. She and her husband have both got good jobs with prospects, but are they happy? ’
She frowned as she realised that, actually, she didn’t think they were.
When was the last time she’d seen her daughter laughing or really enjoying herself?
When was the last time the two of them had gone out socialising together, or even on holiday?
What sort of life was that? What was the point of it all really?
‘And the twins,’ she continued sadly, ‘never get to see them. You know, they spend most of their time watching YouTube or glued to their tablets. I try to take them off them and they act as if I’m that horrible Miss Trunchbull from Matilda!
They don’t seem to have a proper relationship with Jenna and Joel at all. ’
‘I can hardly talk,’ Mac said sadly. ‘I have no relationship with Wyatt and Sarah. It’s funny, when Stella came round to see me, she was upset about her own kids.
Ned’s working in Wales and Crystal’s mostly up at Puffin Point, working with her dad.
Stella really misses them. It seems to be a common theme. ’
‘I guess there are a lot of parents in our position,’ she agreed. ‘When you think of all the divorced couples out there, and the weekend dads, and the frantic pace of modern life, and the lack of communication…’
The sun was setting. It was harder to see the cattle now. He took her hand, and they began to walk back towards the house.
‘We were lucky,’ he said. ‘Growing up in a place like this at a time when it was a much slower pace of life. No tablets, no internet, no social media. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think everything about those days was better than it is now.
It’s like I said before, it’s easy to look back at the past with rose-tinted glasses and stuff yourself on a big bucket of nostalgia, but there were bloody hard times for many people.
In some ways, life’s so much easier now. But…’
‘But there’s a lot of pressure on parents,’ she said.
‘And a real lack of communication between some parents and children. Not all, by any means. But some. I know with Hallie and Ada, when they’re not glued to the internet, they’re rushing off to parties at fun palaces, or going to dance class or gymnastics, even at the age of seven.
And Jenna and Joel are working so much, and now they’re probably paying for childcare…
’ Her voice trailed off as the guilt attacked her again.
‘I don’t know what’s going to happen when I get home,’ she admitted miserably.
‘With you and Jenna?’
‘With all of it. I feel bad for her if I don’t have the twins, because I know how stressed she must be, but I’ll feel tired and fed up if I have them too much, and – oh, I hate to say this, but resentful.
I don’t want to look after them all the time.
I suppose what I want is an impossible dream.
I want Jenna and Joel to wake up and realise that their daughters’ childhoods are slipping away, and they’re missing them.
I want them to ease back on the work and spend time with their children before it’s too late.
But how can they? Life just doesn’t work like that, does it? ’
But did Joel really have to go to so many conferences and training courses?
And did Jenna really have to prove herself so she could one day be a head teacher?
And anyway, she’d found time to flirt with a colleague, hadn’t she?
Time to arrange a night of passion with him while her husband was away.
Time to dupe her own mother into babysitting her children so she could get up to all sorts in secret.
She was going round in circles, and she knew it.
‘Modern life,’ she said with a sigh. ‘If only everyone could have the sort of childhood we had.’
Mac squeezed her hand. ‘Hmm. Well, the good bits of it, anyway.’
They wandered up the path towards the house, and Alison thought how lovely it looked in the gathering darkness with the kitchen light shining through the window and the outside lamp casting a warm and welcoming glow to guide them home.
Home. What am I thinking? Watersmeet isn’t my home!
‘Do you want to watch the next episode of Poirot?’ she asked, still thrilled that she’d found someone who shared her love of cosy detective stories.
They’d been treating themselves to an episode most evenings after tea and she looked forward to curling up on the sofa in his snug, with him beside her, all warm and cosy in the lamplight with the fire crackling in the grate and the thick curtains shutting them off from the world.
He didn’t reply, seeming deep in thought.
‘Mac?’
‘Sorry! What did you say?’
‘Penny for them.’
He grinned. ‘Not worth a penny. Just daydreaming. What were we talking about?’
‘Poirot,’ she said. ‘I was asking if you wanted to watch another episode before I go home?’
He hesitated and she felt a momentary disappointment.
Had he decided their evenings were getting too boring and cosy?
She’d wondered the same thing, recently, but couldn’t deny that she enjoyed just being here at Watersmeet with him.
It was enough. She didn’t need nights out and excitement.
She’d done all that years ago. But maybe it was all getting a bit samey for him, and she couldn’t blame him if it was.
‘We don’t have to,’ she said quickly. ‘If there’s something else you’d rather be doing? I mean, we could go over to the pub if you’d prefer?’
‘It’s not that. I love Poirot. I love watching it with you. I love our cosy evenings in the snug, don’t you?’
She smiled, relieved. ‘I really do. So, if it’s not that, what is it? Because there’s something on your mind, isn’t there?’
He drew her to a standstill just outside the kitchen door, and turned to face her, wrapping his arms around her waist. ‘I was just thinking,’ he said slowly, ‘and you can tell me to get lost and there’ll be no hard feelings, honestly there won’t, but I was just wondering…’
She eyed him curiously. ‘Just wondering what?’
He closed his eyes for a moment then said quickly, ‘If you’d maybe like not having to rush home after we’ve watched it? If you’d like, maybe, to stay the night?’
Alison’s stomach whooshed with nerves, and her pulse raced. She swallowed, feeling terrified and exhilarated and doubtful and excited all at once.
But looking at Mac, she could see he was experiencing the same sort of emotions, and that his pulse was probably racing, too, and that at this moment they truly were at a crossroads. Which road should they take? Was it too soon? Did they know each other well enough? Did it really matter?
She thought of Drew and felt a momentary sadness that he wasn’t here with her right now.
But Drew had gone, and life had gone on without him.
And she’d had to go on with it, just like the river, flowing endlessly to the sea.
Life was all about moving forward. She’d done way too much looking back, longing for the past. Maybe it was time to look to the future.
‘I think,’ she said, squeezing his trembling hands, ‘I’d like that very much.’