Chapter 30
They had a leisurely breakfast of omelette made with cheese, spinach, and a few mushrooms that hadn’t gone into the beef casserole.
They sat at the kitchen table, sipping coffee and smiling at each other, as if they’d discovered something amazing and it was their secret – something no one else would ever know or understand.
Afterwards they took Carne for his morning walk, strolling up Weltringham Road towards the sea, arm in arm.
Alison realised there was no longer any question over whether they were just friends, or even whether they were casually ‘seeing each other’.
Things had moved way beyond that, and she knew Mac shared her feelings without either of them having to say a word.
It was as if, she thought, it was meant to be.
Like there was something inevitable about it all.
She would never understand how she’d barely noticed him when they were at school together.
But then, if she had, she might never have married Drew, and she could never regret that.
She would never stop loving her husband or being grateful for the years they’d spent together.
She felt so fortunate that she’d been given the opportunity to share her life with not one, but two amazing, kind, gentle men. All women should be so lucky.
She thought about Jenna and wondered what her relationship with Joel was really like, and why her daughter would risk losing everything she had for the sake of a meaningless fling.
But she didn’t want to dwell on sad things or worrying things right now. It was Sunday morning, and spring was in the air, and she wanted to savour every moment of this beautiful day.
They reached the church and stopped a moment to lean on the metal gate and gaze at the sad, empty building.
‘Our Rosie was in the Brownies there,’ she told Mac. ‘For a short while anyway, until she got kicked out.’
His eyebrows shot up in surprise. ‘She got kicked out of the Brownies? Never! No one ever gets kicked out of the Brownies!’
‘Rosie did. I’ll tell you about it one day. And I remember seeing you in your Cub’s uniform. Aw, you did look cute in your little green cap.’
He nudged her indignantly. ‘I was a very good Cub. There was certainly no question of me getting kicked out of there!’
‘I used to like going to that church,’ she admitted wistfully. ‘It wasn’t like Niall’s church in Millensea, or the one at Weltringham. They’re much bigger and grander, obviously, and far older. But there was something warm and cosy and friendly about this little place. Don’t you think?’
‘I do. Though Mum stopped going after Dad left. We never went to Sunday services after that.’
He’d never spoken about his dad to her before, and she wanted to ask him so much but didn’t want to spoil things between them. If he wanted to tell her, he would. When he was ready.
‘Did she lose her faith?’ she asked instead.
‘I don’t think my mam and dad ever had any faith, but Mam liked to hedge her bets, so we’d go to church maybe three or four times a year.
She never missed the Easter and Christmas services though.
Aw, it’s such a shame it had to close. Look at it now. So sad.’
‘I don’t think it was so much that she lost her faith,’ Mac said. ‘I think she was ashamed. Ashamed that Dad had left her. Us. She didn’t want to face people. That’s when she really turned to animals. She said they didn’t judge her.’
‘I don’t think anyone would have judged her,’ Alison said, shocked.
‘Maybe not.’ He shrugged. ‘That’s how it felt to her, though. The disgrace. Divorce wasn’t common in those days, and to be an abandoned wife was something shameful. She thought people would blame her. Say she’d done something wrong.’
Alison nodded. ‘I understand that.’
‘She didn’t do anything wrong,’ he told her quickly. ‘It was him. He wasn’t cut out for family life.’
‘Did he—I mean, was there someone else?’
‘I don’t think so.’ He turned, checking on Carne who was busy sniffing the hedgerows, his little tail wagging furiously.
‘I only saw him once after he left. When I was at university. He came to see me. I don’t even know how he knew I was there.
I never mentioned I’d seen him to Mum, and she never said anything, so… ’
‘What did he want?’
‘To tell me he was sorry for abandoning me.’ Mac gave a short laugh. ‘I told him not to worry. I was perfectly happy without him.’
‘And were you?’ she asked gently.
‘Not really.’ He gave her a knowing smile.
‘Well, not when I was younger anyway. I always wondered, you know. Why? What had I done wrong? But by the time he got in touch I’d realised it wasn’t my fault, and I was way past caring.
He never sent Mum anything towards my keep, you know, and when I brought that up, he said, “Well, why should I? She had way more money than I ever did.”
‘I told him I didn’t think that was the point, and that surely he’d wanted to contribute to his own child’s upbringing?
And he laughed and said, “You’ve got a lot to learn, lad.
” I always swore I’d never be like him, you know,’ he added.
‘I promised myself I’d be the best father in the world, and that my kids would always know how much I loved them, and that I’d always be there for them.
Boy, was I ever fooling myself.’ He shook his head.
‘Come on. Carne’s getting a bit antsy now. ’
She took his arm, and they continued walking. Just past the church was a five-barred gate – the entrance to a footpath that led to the fields behind the church and, beyond that, the wetlands. It was overgrown with bushes and trees, and long grass made the footpath barely visible.
Mac pulled her to a halt and nodded. ‘Look at that.’ He scooped Carne up in his arms as Alison turned to look and saw a life-size statue of a deer facing them.
‘Oh, wow,’ she breathed. ‘How have I never noticed that before? How long has it been there?’
He grinned. ‘No eye-deer.’ Then, as she nudged him, his smile turned to a frown. ‘Er, you do realise it’s not a statue, don’t you?’
She laughed. ‘Don’t be daft. Of course it’s a statue. No way would a real deer stand so still and stare at us like that. It would be long gone.’
Carne yapped furiously and the ‘statue’ turned its head and cantered away, disappearing into the undergrowth.
Alison’s mouth fell open in shock and Mac lifted her chin, laughing. ‘Told you.’
‘Oh my God,’ she said. ‘This place is absolutely perfect.’
‘It is,’ he said, as they continued their walk. ‘I’d forgotten, and I don’t know how I’d forgotten. I can’t imagine living anywhere else but here now. I just wish…’
He didn’t finish the sentence.
‘You just wish what?’ Alison urged.
‘I just wish Wyatt and Sarah could see it. I wish I’d brought them here when they were little.
I wish they’d got to see more of their grandma.
I wish they could see Watersmeet and meet Jacob Armitage and Heatherstone, and Ellen MacKenzie and Jamie Fraser, and Mrs Beddows and the Dickensian Ducks and the Bennet Sisters.
Yes, and even this annoying little swine,’ he added, rolling his eyes as Carne tugged on the lead.
‘More than anything,’ he said, ‘I wish they’d come to see me, and believe me when I tell them that I love them so much, and I’m so sorry we lost touch, and I’d do anything to change what happened.’
‘Well,’ Alison said slowly, ‘have you tried to tell them that?’
‘No,’ he admitted. ‘I gave up years ago.’
‘But why? Why don’t you try again?’
‘After all this time? What if they put the phone down? What if they don’t want to know me? What if they hate me and they tell me so? One thing believing they do. Quite another hearing it from their own mouths.’
‘You know,’ she said, ‘you told me that I lived too much in the past, and you were right. But if you ask me, your problem is that you won’t look to the future.’
He swapped the lead to his other hand. ‘I don’t know what you mean.’
‘Yes, you do. You say you only think about today because that’s all we’ve got.
And you’re right. Today is all we’ve got.
But our today is shaped by what we did yesterday, and our tomorrow is shaped by what we do today.
If you want your future to be a good one, you have to lay the foundations in the present.
You have to start fixing things now, Mac, because one day, your today is going to be your last, and if you haven’t done everything you can to put this right it’s going to be full of regret. ’
He said nothing, and his stride lengthened as if he was trying to walk away from her. But Alison wasn’t giving up and she kept pace with him. They headed rapidly down the road, the sea growing ever closer, and Carne’s ears pricked up with excitement, his nose sniffing the salty air in anticipation.
As they finally reached the beach, Mac unclipped the lead, and Carne raced off along the sand, yapping joyfully at the rolling waves.
Mac dug his hands in his jacket pockets and turned to Alison.
‘When I – when I was going through a hard time, and my marriage had ended, and things were… Well, they were really bad. Back then, my mother used to write to me. Proper letters, written with her fountain pen on thick, unlined paper. She always found me. I moved around a lot, but she tracked me down. I didn’t reply, but she never stopped writing.
And one day, three years ago, I picked up the phone and I called her, and we talked and talked. ’
She waited, her heart aching as she heard the grief in his voice.
‘She never said a single word about all the letters I hadn’t answered. She was just glad to hear from me. After that, I called her every week.’
His eyes gleamed with unshed tears. ‘She never gave up on me, Alison. Why did I give up on my kids? Why am I such a coward?’
She moved to him and put her arms around his waist, resting her head on his chest. ‘You’re not a coward,’ she told him. ‘You’ve just had a lot to deal with, and maybe you made mistakes. But now you know that, and you want to put it right.’
‘They might not be as forgiving as Mum was,’ he murmured into her hair.
‘No, they might not,’ she agreed. ‘But you’ll never know unless you try, will you?’
He rested his chin on her head, holding her close, sheltering her from the sudden gusts that blew in from the North Sea.
He made her feel safe, protected, cared for.
She knew he could do the same for his children if they’d give him another chance, but he had to give them a chance first. He had to try, or he’d never know.
‘I’ll write to them,’ he said at last. ‘You’re absolutely right.
It’s time I started to put plans in place for the future.
I need to talk to Gavin about something, sort things out with Stella.
Most of all, though, I want my children back in my life so badly, and I have to make the first move.
I can’t guarantee they’ll want anything to do with me.
They might even hate me. But I’ll try. I won’t give up on them. Not again.’
‘I’m so proud of you,’ Alison whispered.
She wasn’t sure he heard her, what with the wind rushing round their ears, and the pounding of the waves, and Carne’s happy barking. But she thought maybe he could feel it as she stood there with him, holding him tight, silently sending him all the love and support she knew he deserved.