Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
Adam
At first, I was stunned. Terrified of the wailing, wiggling creature in my arms—even though I knew all about how babies worked, at least from treating them. But I didn’t know squat about caring for them.
Let’s be real. I didn’t know much about caring for anybody.
“It’s okay, Arn.” The dog was pacing the hallway, worried about Ani no doubt, probably as upset as the rest of us by Rosie’s screaming. “Everything’s okay.” I wasn’t really sure if my weak attempt to calm him down was actually directed at him. It might have been more for my sake.
I only knew that I couldn’t go on taking the easy way out, avoiding anything that might cause pain. Trying to control my ER, and every aspect of my life, to avoid being hurt.
Because if I kept on avoiding feeling anything, others would move in. With yoga mats and cooking skills, maybe.
One look at the purplish, screaming, toothless bundle in my arms, and my armor cracked.
Not a pretty sight to most, but to me she was, in all her earsplitting glory.
A fierce surge of protectiveness came over me for both of the amazing females in my life.
All the feelings I’d tried so hard to dam up came flooding through.
I, I thought fiercely, was the one who should be here. Not Dylan, not anyone else. Imperfect, closed off, grumpy me. I only hoped I could seize the moment to be the person they needed me to be.
“Hello,” I said softly, my voice cracking as I backed myself slowly into the recliner. “Um, hi.”
And then, a miracle. The baby suddenly hit the mute button. Her face was still a purply red, but she seemed thoughtful, like she was weighing her options. Like, further potential hours of crying weren’t necessarily out of her wheelhouse if I made one wrong move.
I’d handled countless people on the brink of death, ones whose hearts had stopped, whose windpipes were blocked, whose lungs were full of fluid, who were hemorrhaging to death. I was given the gift of calm in dangerous, terrifying, life-threatening situations.
Yet this tiny, deceptively cute terror in pink footie jammies petrified me beyond words.
“I’m Adam.”
She was a warm little bread loaf in my arms, smelling of baby shampoo and lotion, and her arms and hands seemed to move in slow motion as she extended her fingers, stuffing a bunch of them randomly into her mouth.
I stared at dark blue eyes, the dark mass of hair, the tiny little lips now making sucking noises.
For the past two years, I’d stayed away from Liv’s and my friends as they’d begun having kids. I’d watched from afar as young couples strolled their children and held hands, balancing all kinds of diaper bags and strollers and paraphernalia while I kept my distance, at first a jealous watch.
And then I avoided it entirely. All of it. Everyone. I’d slammed the door on all my feelings. If I couldn’t have Liv and the life she and I planned, I didn’t want any of it.
“It’s all good, baby. Everything’s going to be just great.”
Arnold looked up at me with soulful eyes.
“I’m okay, you’re okay, we’re all okay,” I chanted sing-song like a wild man, sneaking a hand down to rub his head.
Do dogs roll their eyes? He was certainly wondering why I’d brought him here.
I didn’t have the heart to tell him that it was just him and me from now on, buds for life.
Rosie miraculously hadn’t started crying again, but I was afraid to move a muscle.
I carefully reached for the TV remote. “Okay, Rosebud, what will it be? Arn? Basketball? Hockey? Definitely not the news. Then no one would calm down.” I found us all a good basketball game and settled in.
I eyeballed the baby out of the corner of my eye.
She was still sucking on her fingers and definitely not crying.
Maybe she felt safe in a bigger set of arms, I didn’t know.
Maybe my deep voice was more soothing. Maybe I was a novelty.
Maybe it was the squeak-squeak-squeak of expensive basketball shoes on the court.
Or maybe her gut had somehow magically calmed down.
I figured that if I could only keep her quiet for an hour, Ani would get some rest. And when she got up, I was going to make sure that she got all the help she needed. That meant I was going to be here too, if she’d let me.
Ani
I woke on my own with the sinking feeling that I’d slept way too long.
Longer than I had since I’d left my normal life behind, which seemed like a lifetime ago.
I had another strange feeling too—being rested.
Bright sunshine streamed through the window, indicating that it was actually after dawn, a novel sight.
Then it all came back to me. The helpless exhaustion, Adam at my door, me handing over the baby and heading for bed.
I covered my head with the pillow. Did I really do that? It felt desperate. And incompetent. And the baby—where was the baby?
Before I could catastrophize too much, I threw on my robe and ran to the family room, where I was stopped in my tracks by an amazing scene—Adam fast asleep in the recliner, the baby’s bassinet at his side.
Rosalie was sleeping on her back, swaddled carefully in her Packers blanket, her hands up near her head. Out like a light.
Adam wore scrub pants and a black Journey T-shirt, his bare feet sticking out over the footrest, his hair mussed, his muscled arms crossed over his nice chest. The Packers throw was askew across his long body.
I would be lying if I said my gaze didn’t linger on him in this messy, chaotic state—and it made my heart squeeze.
Scattered baby bottles, water glasses, and plates were everywhere. Along with the TV remote and Adam’s eyeglasses, meaning he must have taken out his contacts. The floor and table lamps were all on, despite the strong morning sun flowing through the windows.
Arnie was fast asleep in a sunbeam. Passed out flat on his back with his big paws in the air, silly dog.
Adam had given me not an hour but an entire night of sleep, while sacrificing his own, a precious gift. And maybe—I hoped, I hoped—he’d done it for the baby as well.
I grabbed his phone and took photos of the two of them sleeping—well, okay, three, because I included Arnie too.
I wanted to remember this forever. Had Adam rocked her to sleep?
Had an intimate, one-on-one, middle-of-the-night conversation?
Or had he held her at arm’s length and done only what was necessary and no more?
No, somehow, I knew he hadn’t done that.
I tried to rein in the feeling that this was what I wanted, what I’d always wanted. This messy life right here in front of me.
I understood that I was a dreamer, sometimes a wild dreamer who got wrapped up in schemes, and most sane people did not follow along. But maybe he would. Maybe I wouldn’t be too much for him.
And maybe we were just what he needed too.
As I was tucking the covers around the still sleeping baby, Adam stirred. “Hey,” he said in a groggy tone.
“Hey,” I said back.
“How are you feeling this morning?” he asked as he stretched his arms over his head. Which was also pretty hot.
“Better,” I said, “thanks to you.” I thought about what I needed to say. “I can’t thank you enough.” I paused. “It was unfair of me to do what I did.” Which was basically dump the baby in his arms and flee.
He pushed the footrest of the recliner down and sat up. “I disagree. You reached a limit. You accepted some help before you reached the end of your rope.”
I sat down on the arm of his chair. Our shoulders touched, but I didn’t move away. Neither did he. “This situation was my fault,” I said in a low voice. “I waited too long to make a decision on Dylan.”
“Can I ask why?” He looked a little sheepish. Like the answer mattered. It occurred to me that he might be jealous. That might have made me laugh if my situation hadn’t been so dire.
“He’s a good clinician, so I wasn’t worried about that.
But we went our separate ways all that time ago for good reasons.
I didn’t want him back in my life.” I was proud to say that I was restrained.
I didn’t say anything like, “You think I’m prone to wild schemes…
.” And I even left my suspicions that Dylan wanted something other than a temporary job out of our discussion.
“You didn’t want him back in your life,” he repeated, like he was digesting that. “Good,” he said definitively. Then he changed the subject. “This is an exhausting job, Ani. I get it.” His hair was sticking up on the right side. I reached over and smoothed it down.
He grabbed my hand and held it next to his cheek.
I melted.
I had so many questions. Did he start to fall in love with Rosie as I had, right from the start? Or was he ready to take off this morning and go back to the way we were?
“Can we talk?” he asked.
“Of course. Let me make some coffee—”
He took hold of my hand and tugged me to him.
I sort of slid-fell into his lap. I’m not going to lie, it felt really nice there.
I fit just right, and I had a bird’s-eye view of that rugged stubble that I had to restrain myself from running my fingers over.
While I imagined kissing his neck. And did other things.
“The coffee can wait a minute,” he said. “I have something I need to say.”
“Sure.” My heart was bounding in my chest. Somehow, I knew that this was going to be good.
I could tell by the way he was looking at me.
His eyes were like warm caramel drizzle.
His beautiful lips were turned up in the slightest smile.
And he put his arm on my back in a gentle, loving way that kicked up all the turmoil inside of me a few more notches.
“Ani, I didn’t come here out of guilt.” His voice was soft so as to not wake the baby, and a little gravelly from sleep. “I’m here because I can’t stop thinking about you. I miss being with you, talking with you, hearing what you have to say. I love spending time with you.”
A tear wound its way down my cheek. He wiped it away.
“I owe you an explanation. I never mentioned it. I thought it sounded…soft. Like an excuse. But now I realize I should have told you a long time ago that Liv and I tried for a long time to get pregnant. All she wanted was to be a mom. Every month when she found out it hadn’t happened, she’d break down and cry.
And then she got sick, so not only were we not going to create a life between us, but we also learned that she was going to lose hers.
” He paused, as if the sadness was still too raw to continue.
“I would never want to be resentful, or sad, or take any of those emotions out on a baby. I’m still—figuring things out. ”
He rubbed his hand up and down my arm in a gentle way. “I’m sorry I stayed away. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I’m finally seeing a therapist who’s helping me find my way. But you’re my light at the end of the tunnel. You and Rosebud. I want to be with you both.”
That was all I needed to hear. “Adam, I’m so glad you’re here. I want to be with you too.” I lowered my head and kissed him. At last.
His lips were warm and soft and wonderful, and as soon as we made contact, my breath caught from the sudden jolt of attraction between us.
Warmth spread through me, and my heart started fluttering like a trapped bird in my chest before we even kissed.
Our first kiss was light, tender, and brief.
But then Adam gazed up at me and gave me a soft, at-last look that shone in his eyes, that I felt clear down to my toes.
Then he reached up his hand, threaded it through my hair, and pulled me flush against him.
The next kiss was serious. Slow, lingering, lips parted. Less gentle, more feral. But tender too. He tasted wonderful and smelled a little bit like formula but, hey, that was just life. I curled my hands around his shoulders as he slowly began dragging a row of kisses down my neck. Ah, heaven.
I shuddered and made a noise from deep in my throat that made him smile against my skin as he wrapped his arms tighter around me and worked his way back to my mouth. I loved how powerful he was yet how gentle and tender too.
I thought back to the past summer, to that night in Turks and Caicos. How desperate we’d been, yet somehow how in sync, connected. I felt that same vibe between us—it was easy to be playful and fun and spontaneous and just…myself. But then, it had always been like that with him.
The dog stirred but kept sleeping. The baby sighed. A bird twittered outside the window. And then I heard nothing. I got lost in the heat and fire of his gaze and the depth of his kisses that became deeper, hungrier, and possessive. In that moment, I’d never wanted anything more than I wanted him.
Somehow, I managed to get up from the chair. I took his hand and tugged on it until he got up too and led him down the hall to the bedroom, making a quick ask of the sugar plum fairies to keep dancing in Rosie’s head for just a little while longer.
“I guess Arnie’s babysitting,” Adam said with a chuckle as, halfway down the hall, he reached down and picked me up, slinging me over his shoulder, caveman style. I squealed a little, but quickly put my hands over my mouth.
“What’s his rate?” I asked as we entered the bedroom.
“Free room and board for life,” he said. I must have looked puzzled, because he added, “We can talk about that later.”
It didn’t really compute. He deposited me on the bed and helped me tug off my sweatshirt, which I tossed…somewhere. He peeled off his shirt with a fluid motion, joined me on the bed, and then began nuzzling my neck.
“Wait,” I said while I could still think, “did you say for life?”
“Mmm hmm,” is what I heard. Which did sound like an affirmative answer.
“But the McClellans are home,” I said.
He stopped kissing me and rose up on an elbow. “Yeah, um, it’s complicated. I had to make a game-day decision—basically between me or One of a Kind Pets.”
“No! They wouldn’t. You didn’t.” He turned a little red, and I couldn’t resist capitalizing on that. “You’re—you’re a softie. A big, giant softie. It doesn’t seem like you would be, but you are. Your heart is complete mush. Pudding. Applesauce. Purée.”
He rolled over on top of me to shut me up. “I’d love to talk about this more, but we probably have, like, ten minutes before the crying starts again. Besides, I don’t think now’s a good time to talk about soft things.”
I laughed, quietly, of course, as I slid my arms around his neck. I had no nagging doubts, no feelings that I was swallowing down because they were too messy to bring up. I just loved him, silently praying that this wasn’t all a dream, and that he could love me back just as much.
And then the world dissolved as he kissed me until nothing existed but the two of us together.