Take My Heart (The Haydon Falls #3)

Chapter 1

Kate

As I walk down the aisle, I glance at my soon-to-be husband standing at the altar. Growing up, I imagined myself marrying a man like him. Tall, with blond hair and blue eyes. A man who dresses well and has a successful career and comes from a prominent family. Cam’s everything I ever wanted.

So why are my palms sweating?

Why is my heart racing?

Why do I feel like I’m about to throw up?

My father gives my arm a gentle squeeze as we reach the altar. I look up at him and see the pride in his eyes. He’s proud of me for choosing Cam, a guy who will give me everything I could ever want or need. A guy who comes from a wealthy, well-connected family.

I watch as my father walks back to his seat.

I can’t disappoint him, or my mom. I can’t disappoint my friends or Cam’s family.

They’re all counting on me to do this, and why wouldn’t I?

Cam will give me a great life. Weekends sailing on Lake Michigan.

Summers in Lake Geneva. Cam will achieve his dream of becoming a senator while I raise the three children we’re hoping to have.

We’ve planned our entire future and today it officially begins.

‘Welcome to this joyous occasion,’ the minister says, gazing out at the church and our 500 guests. ‘A day in which we celebrate the union of Katelyn Rose Millstone to Camden James Cartwright.’

My chest muscles seize up. I feel like I can’t breathe. My heart’s beating faster with each second that passes. I’m feeling faint, black spots clouding my vision.

‘Kate,’ Cam whispers.

I glance over at Cam and see him mouthing the words ‘calm down’.

His words don’t help. I can’t calm down.

I’m about to get married. And it’s not what I want.

I don’t love Cam the way I should. I’ve felt this way for months now but told myself it’s normal, that it’s just cold feet.

Everyone’s nervous before their wedding.

I convinced myself I just needed to get over it.

But I’m not over it. If anything, I feel even more certain I don’t love Cam.

He checks all my boxes, my family and friends think he’s perfect for me, but I know in my heart he’s not the one.

The minister’s been talking for several minutes now, giving his speech about love and marriage.

I’ve zoned out for most of it, but I pay attention when I hear him say love means being able to be yourself.

I don’t feel like myself with Cam. I feel like a version of myself that’s been molded into what he wants.

Part of that is my fault. I let myself become what he wanted instead of just being me.

Now I’m at the point where I’m not even sure who I am anymore.

‘And now for your vows,’ the minister says.

‘Camden, we will begin with you,’ the minister says.

I can’t do this. I can’t marry someone I don’t love.

‘Camden,’ the minister says, ‘do you take—’

‘Stop,’ I blurt out.

Cam and the minister look at me.

‘Did you say stop?’ Cam asks.

‘Yes.’ I swallow, my heart pounding so hard I feel it pulsing in my head. ‘I can’t do this.’

‘Do what?’ Cam whispers.

‘Marry you,’ I say, my voice shaking. ‘I’m sorry, Cam. I just can’t.’

‘Give us just a moment,’ the minister says to the guests, smiling as if nothing’s wrong.

But everything’s wrong. Nothing about this feels right. I know that now more than ever. It’s like I’ve been living in the dark and a light’s been turned on and I can finally see that this is a huge mistake.

‘You’re just nervous,’ Cam says. He glances at the guests, then back at me, his jaw tightening and that crease forming between his eyes, the one that appears when he’s angry.

‘It’s not nerves,’ I tell him, keeping my voice down. ‘This isn’t right. It doesn’t feel like it should. It feels wrong.’

Cam puts his hand on my shoulder, but not in a loving way. He’s gripping it, letting me feel his anger. ‘Just take a breath and get it together.’

I stare into his eyes. ‘You’re not listening to me. I don’t want to do this. I can’t. ’

‘What’s going on?’ Jill whispers as she comes up beside me.

‘Nothing,’ Cam says, his eyes remaining on mine. ‘Stay out of this.’

Jill grasps my arm. ‘What’s wrong? Are you sick? You don’t look good.’

‘I’m not sick.’ I glance away from Cam and look at my sister. ‘I just can’t do this.’

‘Can’t do what ? Get married?’ she asks, looking at me like I’m crazy.

I knew she wouldn’t understand. No one in my family would, which is why I haven’t talked to them about how I’ve been feeling.

They think Cam is perfect and will make the perfect husband.

If I told them I didn’t love him, they’d tell me I’ll learn to love him.

But it shouldn’t be that way. I shouldn’t have to learn to love my husband.

I should love him now. I should want to marry him.

Harry, Cam’s brother and best man, walks up to the minister. ‘What’s going on?’

‘Kate’s not feeling well,’ Cam says, glaring at me like he wants me to just shut up and continue the ceremony.

He thinks I’m acting like a child. Sometimes I think he sees me that way, like I’m a child.

He hates when I try to be playful or fun.

Cam’s very serious and expects me to be too, but sometimes I just want to let loose.

‘Are we all just going to stand here or what?’ Harry asks.

‘I have to go.’ I race past Cam to the side of the church.

‘Kate!’ Cam shouts as he runs after me, down the narrow hallway that leads to the rooms where we waited before the ceremony .

‘Cam, I’m sorry,’ I say, turning back to him. ‘I know you’re angry, but I can’t do something that doesn’t feel right.’

‘What the hell are you talking about? You got everything you wanted! The ring, the dress, the big wedding.’ He points to where we just came from. ‘We are going back there right now and getting married. We’ll just tell people you felt faint and needed a minute.’

I shake my head. ‘You’re not listening to me.

’ I step up to him. ‘I don’t want to do this.

I thought I did because that’s what everyone told me.

They convinced me it was the right thing to do.

But it’s not.’ I gaze into his eyes. ‘You don’t really love me, Cam.

You love the idea of me, of how I’ll look next to you when you’re a senator someday.

You love that I’ll take good care of your children, keep a nice house, and make you look good.

You didn’t fall in love with me. You fell in love with what I can do for you. ’

‘You’re wrong.’ He grips my arm. ‘I asked you to marry me because I love you.’

‘Cam.’ I give him a weak smile. ‘You don’t even know me. Not the real me. If you did, you wouldn’t want this. You wouldn’t want to marry me.’

‘Kate!’ My dad appears, racing down the hall with my mom and sister right behind him. ‘Jill said you’re sick.’

‘I’m not sick,’ I say, glancing at my sister, annoyed she didn’t tell him the truth. It’s because she doesn’t believe it. It doesn’t make sense to her. She married a man she didn’t love and is fine with it, or pretends to be. He’s rich and gives her the life she wants, which to her is enough.

‘She says she doesn’t want to get married,’ Cam says, folding his arms over his chest and looking at me like I’m a spoiled child.

‘Honey, it’s just nerves,’ my mom says, getting in front of me, her eyes darting around my face like she’s checking that my makeup hasn’t smeared. She’s more worried about how I look than how I feel. I’m used to that, but it still hurts.

‘What are we going to do?’ Jill asks. ‘Everyone’s waiting.’

‘Just take some deep breaths,’ my dad says to me, demonstrating by taking a deep inhale and motioning me to follow along.

‘That’s not going to help,’ I say. ‘This isn’t cold feet. It’s me not wanting to get married.’

‘Can you give us a minute?’ Cam says to my parents.

‘Of course.’ My mom steps back next to my father and Jill.

Cam takes my arm and leads me to the room where I waited with my bridesmaids before the ceremony.

‘Cam, I’m not changing my mind,’ I say as he shuts the door.

‘You’re acting like a child,’ he says in a scolding tone. He puts his hands on my shoulders and leans down to me, his eyes locked on mine. ‘You are going to get yourself together and go back out there like an adult and do what you committed to do.’

‘I’m allowed to change my mind,’ I say.

‘Not on our wedding day! If you wanted to back out, you had two years to do it. It’s too fucking late now!’

‘It’s not too late,’ I say, pushing his hands off me.

‘I tried to feel differently. I tried to love you like I should, but I couldn’t.

’ I sigh. ‘Cam, I don’t know who I am anymore.

I don’t even remember what it’s like to be me.

Ever since we started dating back in college, I’ve changed to become what I thought you wanted.

I didn’t realize until just a few weeks ago that I’m losing myself, and that if I stay with you, I’ll lose myself for good. ’

‘What the hell are you talking about? You’re about to have a life most other girls could only dream of. You’re seriously going to give that up?’

‘If it means being able to be myself again and not live my life as someone else, then yes.’

‘Be yourself. What the fuck does that even mean?’

I pause to think of an example. ‘Remember that time I was dancing in the kitchen when you were making dinner?’

‘Yeah, you knocked over the wine glass and stained my shirt,’ he says, sounding annoyed. ‘That was a $200 shirt.’

‘It was an accident. I was just trying to have fun. Be playful.’

‘You were being careless. And look what happened. You broke a glass and ruined my shirt, not to mention you could’ve been hurt by the knife I was using to cut the chicken.’

‘Cam, this is what I’m saying. That girl who was dancing was me. The real me, not the one you fell in love with.’

He shakes his head. ‘This is fucking ridiculous. We’ve got 500 people waiting. You need to get back out there and finish the ceremony.’