Chapter 5 #2
Feeling like I shouldn’t be listening in, I go back to the living room to watch the game.
Sports usually take my mind off shit, but for some reason I can’t stop thinking about Kate.
It sounds like her mom still wants Kate to marry that guy, even if he doesn’t make her happy.
I’m glad my family’s not like that. My parents have always told me to do what I want.
They never pressured my brothers and me to take over the orchard, or even work there.
Mom pressures me to find a girl to settle down with, but that’s only because she wants grandkids.
But now that Nick’s engaged and Sawyer’s living with Gina, Mom hasn’t been on my case about finding a girl.
I’m not even sure I want a girl. Where would I find one in a town this size?
I know everyone here, and out of all the girls my age, I don’t see myself marrying any of them.
I’ve dated some of them and it didn’t work out.
Now I’m dating girls younger than me, like Talia, and finding we have nothing in common.
About ten minutes later, Kate appears next to me.
‘Thanks for letting me use it.’ She hands me my phone.
‘Anytime.’
She heads back to her room.
‘Where are you going?’
She turns back. ‘I thought I’d take a nap.’
‘You said you weren’t tired.’
‘I’m not, but it’s better than .?.?.’ She looks down.
‘Better than what?’
‘Nothing. Forget it.’ She continues to her room.
‘Kate,’ I call out.
She appears from the hall. ‘Yeah?’
‘You want to talk about it?’
‘About what?’
‘About what happened today. If you don’t, you’ll just keep thinking about it. You’ll try to sleep, but your mind won’t let you. ’
She walks over to me. ‘How do you know that?’
‘Because it happens to me. I’ve got a lot of shit going on and sometimes I think about it so much I can’t sleep. Drives me fucking crazy.’
She smiles a little. ‘Me too.’
I point to the couch. ‘Have a seat.’ I pick up my beer. ‘You want one?’
‘No, I’m good.’ She sits on the couch, watching as I drink my beer. ‘Do you have anything stronger?’
‘Vodka or whiskey?’ I ask, getting up from the chair.
‘Whiskey, please.’
Please. She’s so formal. I’ve never liked girls who are formal. They make me uncomfortable. I feel like they’re judging me. But for whatever reason, I don’t feel that way with Kate, probably because I’m not dating her.
‘Here.’ I hand her a shot glass of whiskey, then set the bottle on the table in front of her.
‘This is plenty,’ she says, sipping the whiskey.
I laugh. ‘That’s how you drink whiskey?’
‘Yeah. Why?’
‘It’s a shot. You down it all at once.’
She shakes her head. ‘That would give me a headache.’
‘Or take your mind off all the shit you’re worried about.’ I sit back in the chair with a fresh bottle of beer. ‘I dare you to down the shot.’
‘I don’t take dares.’ She looks at the shot glass, running her finger along the top of it.
‘So what’s on your mind?’ I take a drink of my beer, wondering why the hell I’m doing this.
Why I’m asking a girl to pour her heart out to me when I could’ve just let her go to her room so I could watch the game.
I must really feel bad for her. Either that or I’m really fucking bored and not in the mood for basketball.
That can’t be it. I’m always in the mood for sports.
‘My mom wants me to get back together with him,’ Kate mutters.
‘Did she say why?’
‘She said he’s perfect for me. That I just got cold feet. She said it’s normal to feel that way on your wedding day.’
‘I don’t think that’s true. I mean, sure, you might be nervous, but if you really want to marry someone, it’s more like nervous-excited, not nervous-scared.’
‘Yeah, exactly.’ Kate sips her whiskey. ‘I wish my parents understood that. I tried to tell them, but they keep insisting they know what’s best for me. It’s so frustrating.’
‘My brother’s like that. Nick, the oldest one. He doesn’t tell me what to do, but he’s always making me question myself. I’ve learned it’s best just to not tell him stuff. Like this house. When I was bought it, I didn’t tell Nick. I knew if I did, he’d try to talk me out of it.’
‘Why would he care?’
‘Because he doesn’t want me getting into debt and not being able to pay my bills. He worries too much, about all of my brothers, not just me, but he worries about me more than them because I’m the youngest.’
‘It sounds like he’s just looking out for you.’
‘Yeah, I guess. I just wish he’d leave me alone sometimes and let me figure stuff out for myself.’
‘My parents aren’t looking out for me. They just want me to do what they think is best, which to them is to marry a man who makes a lot of money, live in a big house, and have children. ’
‘And that’s not what you wanted?’
‘I wanted the house and the kids. I just didn’t want them with Cam. He wasn’t the right guy for me and I—’ She stops and looks down at her whiskey.
‘You what?’
She raises the shot glass to her lips and downs the whiskey.
‘That bad, huh?’ I joke.
‘Worse.’ She grabs the whiskey bottle and pours another shot. I watch as she drinks it down, squeezing her eyes shut as she feels the burn in her throat. She opens her eyes, takes a breath, then grabs the bottle and pours another shot.
‘Hey, slow down,’ I tell her. ‘You’re going to feel like shit if you drink that much without taking a break.’
She sets the shot glass down and leans back on the couch, staring at the TV. ‘I didn’t love him.’
I wait for her to say more.
She looks at me. ‘I didn’t love him. I almost married a guy I didn’t love.’
‘Then you made the right decision to ditch the wedding.’
She moves to the edge of the couch and turns to me. ‘How could I be that messed up? How could I say yes to his proposal, do months of wedding planning, and show up at the wedding, knowing I didn’t love him?’
‘You loved the idea of him, or the future you’d have with him. That’s not messed up. A lot of people do that.’
‘Really?’ she asks, like she doesn’t believe me.
‘My brother Sawyer almost got married to a girl that didn’t love him.
He loved her, but she was more in love with their future together than she was with him.
She had the whole thing planned out. They were going to move away, live in a big city in one of those loft apartments.
She didn’t tell this to Sawyer until after they were engaged.
She just assumed he’d go along with it. When he told her he wanted to stay here, she broke off the engagement and left. ’
‘That doesn’t mean she didn’t love him. They just wanted different things.’
‘She didn’t love him. We all knew it. Sawyer’s the only one who didn’t, but we couldn’t tell him. He needed to figure it out on his own.’
‘I thought I loved Cam, but the longer we dated, the more I felt unsure about him. My friends and family kept saying how in love Cam and I were, and I believed them. But in my heart, I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling was love or the pressure to be in love and get married.’
‘When did you figure it out?’
‘I don’t know. I think part of me knew all along that I didn’t love him. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.’
‘What’s so great about this guy? Why was everyone pressuring you to marry him?’
‘He’s from a good family.’ She pauses. ‘Well, a family with a lot of money.’
‘Are you saying you didn’t like his family?’
‘They’re okay. They’re just really formal. They’re not the type of people who make you feel comfortable. You feel like you’re always trying to impress them.’
‘That would suck. Who the hell would want to be around people like that?’
‘They actually have a lot of friends. Cam’s parents are very well connected. They’re both lawyers and their clients are all celebrities, mostly well-known musicians and professional athletes. They know a lot of important people.’
‘I’m guessing their friends aren’t really friends but people who are hanging around them because they’re rich or have connections or whatever.’
Kate smiles a little. ‘That’s exactly what they are. You’re really smart.’
She thinks I’m smart? I almost flunked out of school. But I’m smart when it comes to people. I can tell when someone’s bullshitting me.
‘Are your parents the same way?’ I ask.
‘Kind of, but not really. They weren’t rich growing up, but once they became lawyers and were making good money, they wanted to be like Cam’s parents. They aspire to be in that world. Honestly, I think that’s why they wanted me to marry him. It was their ticket to a higher social standing.’
‘That’s messed up.’
‘I know,’ she mutters, picking up her shot glass. She downs the whiskey, then collapses back on the couch. ‘I already feel better.’
‘Whiskey has that effect on people.’
‘It’s not the whiskey.’ She looks at me. ‘It’s you. Letting me talk? Listening to me? It really helped.’
‘Anytime,’ I say, wishing I could talk about my own shit.
I haven’t told anyone what’s going on. I’m too embarrassed.
Too ashamed. I keep thinking I can fix it, but then it gets worse.
Like my controller on the plow breaking.
I told Nick it’s broken, but I didn’t tell him I don’t have the money for a new one.
I don’t know how I got myself into this mess and I have no idea how I’m going to get myself out.
I’m so damn stressed I can’t sleep. And hiding this from everyone is making it worse.
I’d probably feel a lot better if I spilled my guts to this girl, a stranger who has no connection to me or my family or this town, but I can’t do it.
I need to figure this out on my own. I need to fix this. And I will. I just need more time.