Chapter 8
Kate
I’m so confused. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. I should be mourning my relationship with Cam and completely freaking out that I walked out on my wedding, but instead I feel strangely calm and kind of happy.
Is it relief? Is that why I feel this way? Am I relieved I got out of something I never actually wanted? Or maybe I’m happy because I finally did something for myself instead of everyone else.
I wish I could talk to someone, someone who would actually listen to me and not say I’m being ridiculous and to come home and marry Cam.
That’s what my friends would tell me, which makes me wonder if they’re really friends.
Half of them are already married and living their supposed dream lives with guys just like Cam.
The other half are engaged to guys like Cam.
I’m sure they think I’m crazy for walking out on him, so trying to explain why I did this is a waste of time.
They’d never understand. To them, a rich husband and a fancy house equals happiness.
Maybe I should call Jill. My sister isn’t the greatest listener, but she knows me better than anyone else. She might be able to make sense of why I’m feeling like this.
‘I’m going to bed,’ Brody says, getting up from the couch.
We’ve been sitting here all night, talking and watching TV.
I feel really comfortable around Brody, which is odd because I never feel comfortable around people I don’t know.
And I never let people see me like this, with no makeup and my hair a mess.
Only my family has, and Cam, but he doesn’t like the ‘natural’ look, as he calls it, so when I lived with him I’d get up before him and put my makeup on.
I jump up from the couch. ‘Hey, before you go, could I use your phone? I really want to talk to my sister. I’ll make it quick.’
‘I don’t care how long you talk to her.’ He unlocks his phone and hands it to me. ‘When you’re done, just bring the phone to my room.’
I felt a flutter in my stomach when he mentioned his room, a nervous flutter, like going in his room, at night, is wrong.
It’s not wrong. I’ll just be dropping off his phone.
So why does it feel wrong? Because I’m attracted to Brody, that’s why.
I can’t believe I just thought that, but it’s true.
I’m attracted to a guy I just met, like really attracted, as in I almost kissed him in the kitchen earlier.
I’m clearly going through some kind of trauma response from leaving my wedding. How else do I explain why I’m lusting after some other guy on my wedding day?
‘Are you guys close?’ Brody asks.
I look up and see him in the kitchen, getting a glass of water .
‘Me and my sister? Not really, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to.’
‘You don’t have friends?’
‘I have a ton of friends, but if I call them, they’ll all tell me to get back with Cam.’
‘You sure these people are friends?’ Brody walks back to me, holding his glass of water.
Actually, it’s an orange plastic cup with some kind of logo on the side.
I bet he doesn’t even own an actual glass.
He’s so different than Cam, who has glasses for every kind of beverage, all neatly lined up in his cupboards.
‘They’re not the kind of friends who would understand what I’m going through. They all love Cam and think he’s perfect for me.’
‘Shouldn’t you be the one deciding that?’ Brody shakes his head. ‘Sorry. I shouldn’t be getting involved. I’ll let you call your sister. I’ll be in my room.’
I wait until he’s in there with the door shut before calling Jill.
‘Hello?’ she answers, like she thinks it’s a wrong number.
‘Jill, it’s me.’
‘Kate?’
‘Yeah. My phone’s dead. I’m using Brody’s.’
‘Who’s Brody?’
‘The guy I’m staying with. Didn’t Mom and Dad already tell you this?’
‘They said your phone didn’t work and that you got stuck in a snowstorm, but they didn’t say anything about .?.?. what was his name?’
‘Brody.’ I lower my voice, not wanting Brody to hear me talking about him. ‘He found me on the road after Cam’s car went in the ditch and brought me to his house.’
‘Kate, what is going on?’
‘What do you mean?’ I go down the hall to my room and shut the door.
‘You disappear from your own wedding, then run off and get stuck in a blizzard and end up in some strange guy’s house? Seriously, what the hell’s going on?’
‘I’m just going through a lot right now. That’s why I called you. I needed to talk to someone.’
‘Yeah? So talk.’
‘I’ve been thinking and I realized I’m not happy, or maybe I’m just not happy with Cam. I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it all out. I just know I couldn’t marry him.’
‘And you decided this on your wedding day?’ she asks in a judgmental tone, like I’m stupid for not figuring this out sooner. Maybe I shouldn’t have called her, but I didn’t know who else to call.
‘I was hoping I’d feel differently the closer I got to the wedding, but I didn’t. And then I was standing at the altar and couldn’t do it. I couldn’t marry him.’
‘Why’d you take off? You could’ve gone home with Mom and Dad or stayed with me. You should be with your family right now.’
‘I needed to get away. I couldn’t stay there and listen to everyone telling me what I was doing was wrong and that I should get back with Cam. You know everyone would take his side. They’d tell me to marry him, but that isn’t the right decision for me.’
‘How could it not be the right decision? You love him. ’
‘No, I don’t love him,’ I say, already frustrated with how this is going. ‘That’s why I couldn’t marry him.’
‘That doesn’t make sense. You guys have been together forever.’
‘It hasn’t been forever. It’s been a few years.’
‘That’s still a long time. Long enough for you to know if you loved him.’
‘But I didn’t. I just wouldn’t admit that to myself because everyone kept telling me that Cam was the perfect guy for me.’
‘He’s not perfect, but he’s still a great guy. And he makes a lot of money for someone his age. He makes almost as much as Henry.’
Henry is Jill’s husband. He’s a corporate attorney. He’s 31 and very serious. I can’t remember ever seeing him laugh. He’s so boring. All he talks about is work.
‘So because Cam makes a lot of money, I’m supposed to marry him?’
‘Well, no, but besides that, you guys have a lot in common. You like the same restaurants. You both have a good eye for design. You like going on trips together. And you have similar goals. You’ve talked about houses, where you’ll live, how many kids you’ll have. You’ve created a whole life together.’
‘We haven’t created a life. We’ve just talked about it. And when I thought about it, I didn’t want it, at least not with Cam.’
‘You’re just stressed from all the wedding planning. You need to take some deep breaths, get yourself together, and come home where Mom and I can take care of you. We’ll go to a spa, get massages, pedicures—’
‘A massage isn’t going to fix this. You’re not listening to me.’
‘I AM listening. But I know you, Kate, and I know you tend to overreact and do crazy things sometimes. We all know it. Mom. Dad. Your friends. Cam. You can’t think straight when you’re like this, which is why you need to come home and spend a few days pampering yourself.
I promise you’ll feel a lot better after a day at the spa. ’
She has no idea what I’m going through. She doesn’t understand, but I was hoping she’d at least try to.
‘Jill, I really thought I could count on you to support me.’
‘I am, but as your big sister, I have to tell you that what you’re doing is a mistake.’
‘And why is it a mistake? You think I can’t find someone else?’
‘You can, but why would you after you’ve invested all this time with Cam? He really is the perfect guy. He’s got that great loft apartment, and when he lived there, he kept it immaculate, which is rare for a guy. He’s smart. Handsome. He takes you on amazing trips. He buys you expensive gifts.’
‘Yes, but gifts and dinner aren’t love.’ I pause, not sure I should tell her this, but it might be the only way to convince her my relationship with Cam wasn’t as great as she thought. ‘We haven’t had sex for over a year.’
She laughs. ‘Yeah, right.’
‘I’m not kidding. The last time we did it was the night before he moved to DC. That was over a year ago.’
‘Yeah, but he’s been back here to visit.’
‘And he didn’t want to do it. He said we should wait until we’re married. He said the sex would be better on our wedding night if we waited. I told him I didn’t want to wait, but he wouldn’t listen to me.’
‘Well, in his defense, I’ve heard that’s actually true. ’
‘What’s true?’
‘Waiting until you’re married to have sex, even if you’ve already done it. The sex is supposed to be better if you’ve gone without it for a few months before the wedding. I heard it on a podcast.’
‘But that’s not what I wanted, and I don’t know why Cam would. How many guys do you know who would be okay with waiting over a year to have sex?’
She doesn’t answer.
‘And it’s not just the sex. Cam and I don’t have the kind of closeness a couple should have. All we did was talk about work. Nothing personal.’
‘That’s not true. You talked about your future. The house you were going to buy. You talked about your kids.’
‘Okay, yes, but what I mean is talking about things like how we feel after a bad day or when we’re going through a rough time, or talking about what matters to us, what we want out of life.
We don’t talk about any of that. I feel like we haven’t grown as a couple.
We’re as close now as we were a few years ago. ’
‘That’s because he’s a guy. Guys don’t like talking about that stuff.’
‘I don’t think all guys are like that,’ I say, thinking of Brody. I don’t even know him and I’ve had deeper conversations with him in the short time we’ve spent together than in all my years with Cam.
‘Just tell him you want to talk. Maybe he doesn’t know how important that stuff is to you.’