Chapter 8 #2
‘I’ve tried telling him, but he doesn’t listen. When I bring up anything having to do with my feelings or something I’m struggling with, he shuts down or acts annoyed and changes the subject.’
‘I think you’re expecting too much. Henry and I don’t talk about stuff like that and we’ve been married for three years.’
But I don’t think it’s a happy marriage. When they’re together, they don’t even look at each other, and I’ve never seen them be affectionate. If I didn’t know them, I’d think they’re coworkers or friends, not a married couple.
‘When you’re deciding who to marry,’ Jill says, ‘you need to be practical. You want a guy who’s smart, reliable, will be a good father, and has good earning potential.’
‘And that you love,’ I say.
She laughs. ‘Do you really think I was in love with Henry when we got married?’
‘Are you saying you weren’t?’
I knew she didn’t love him, but this is the first time she’s actually admitted it.
‘I’m saying I valued what he could offer me and what we could offer each other. That’s why I married him. It wasn’t because he’s my soulmate or the love of my life.’
‘I don’t get why you’d marry a guy you don’t love.’
‘Marriage is about more than love. You should know that after hearing all the stories Mom and Dad told us about their divorce cases. Marriage is a business contract. The sharing of assets and responsibilities. You have to think about that when you’re considering a future partner.
Henry is stable and secure and makes a good living.
He’ll make a nice life for me. Just like Cam will make a nice life for you. ’
‘I don’t want my life to just be nice. I want better than nice. ’
‘You know if you do this, if you give up on Cam, you’re gonna be stuck at that job you hate.’
‘Maybe I’ll get a different job.’
‘It won’t pay as much. You’re making a lot for someone your age. It’ll be hard to find someplace else that pays that well.’
‘I’m not worried about my job. I can stay where I’m at for a few more years.’
‘Kate, I really think you need to reconsider your decision about Cam. Give yourself time to rest so your head can clear.’
‘Time isn’t going to change how I feel. My relationship with Cam was over a long time ago. I just didn’t want to admit it.’
‘Maybe things will get better once he moves back to Chicago.’
‘I’m not even sure that will happen. He said he’d only be there a few months and it’s been over a year.’
‘I thought he was moving back here next month.’
‘That’s what he said, but his job was extended through the fall. He told me last week. How is that a relationship? Living in different cities and never seeing each other? I saw him a total of four times last year.’
‘People do what they have to for their careers. It’s not going to be this way forever.’ She pauses. ‘Maybe you should talk to someone.’
‘Like who? A shrink? Are you saying I’m crazy?’
‘I’m saying it might help to talk to someone. A counselor. You could go to mine, but I’m not sure if she’s still taking clients.’
‘You’ve been going to counseling? Why didn’t I know this?’
‘Because it’s not something people talk about.’
‘But I’m your sister. How long have you been doing this? ’
‘I’ve been seeing her for, I don’t know, a few months?’
‘Why?’
‘I’ve been under a lot of stress and I didn’t want to take pills if I could just talk it out. I think you should try it. My stress is a lot better now.’
‘Stress isn’t why I don’t want to marry Cam. He and I just aren’t good together. I’m not going back to him. It’s over.’
‘So what are you going to do? Hang out with some strange guy until you’re ready to come home?’
‘I’m just here until the storm ends. There’s at least a foot of snow here and it’s still snowing.’
‘So who is this guy? The one you’re staying with?’
‘He’s a local. His parents own an orchard in town, the one your boyfriend in college always talked about.’
‘Oh, yeah, what was that guy’s name? Dirk? Dennis? I can’t remember.’
‘I think it was Kirk. Anyway, Brody has a snow plowing business and he just happened to be driving by when I was stranded on the highway. Good thing he saw me or I might still be out there, freezing to death.’
‘Are you sure you can trust this guy?’
‘Yes. He’s really nice. And he’s letting me use his phone. Even Cam wouldn’t let me use his phone.’
‘How old is he?’
‘Twenty-six.’ I smile. ‘I really like him. He’s fun. We had nothing to do and couldn’t go anywhere so we went in his backyard and had a snowball fight. Oh, and I made a snow angel! Can you believe I’ve never done that?’
She doesn’t answer.
‘Jill? You still there? ’
‘Why do you sound so happy?’ she asks in a suspicious tone.
‘I don’t sound happy.’
‘Yeah, you do. You started talking about this Brody guy and your voice changed. You sounded like you do when you go in that store and get all excited about the furniture. That’s really weird, by the way.’
‘It’s not just the furniture. It’s how they display it. I like that stuff. Decorating. Arranging rooms.’
‘See? That’s the voice you were just using when you were talking about that guy.’
‘I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe he makes me happy.’
‘You’re not falling for this guy, are you? You just met him. And you’re engaged.’
‘I’m not engaged. And I’m not falling for Brody. He’s just a really nice guy. And he’s different.’
‘Different how?’
‘He’s not like the guys we’re used to. He’s not like Henry. Or dad. He’s not like Cam. He’s more laid back. I don’t feel nervous around him.’
‘You’re nervous around Dad?’
‘Sometimes. You know how critical he can be. Cam’s the same way.
If I misused a word or mispronounced it, he had to point it out and correct me.
I always hated that. I couldn’t relax. I had to watch everything I said.
With Brody, I can say what I want. I used the wrong word today and he didn’t even notice.
And I don’t have to worry about how I look in front of him.
Since being here, I haven’t worn makeup or done my hair and I don’t even care.
And neither does Brody. It’s freeing, you know?
To not have to worry about that stuff? ’
‘But nothing’s going to happen, right?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘With you and this guy.’ She pauses. ‘You’re not thinking of doing something stupid, are you?’
‘Like what?’
‘Like getting over Cam by fucking some other guy.’
‘No. Of course not. Brody and I just met. I barely know him.’
‘Yes, but you also just walked out on your wedding. You’re not exactly thinking straight right now.’
I roll my eyes. ‘I’m not sleeping with Brody.’
‘Is he hot?’
‘Yes, but that doesn’t mean I’d sleep with him.’
‘Okay. This is bad. You need to get out of there.’
‘I can’t. Cam’s car is in a ditch and buried in a foot of snow and the only two hotels in town are booked.’
‘So when are you getting out of there?’
‘I don’t know. A day or two.’
‘A day or two with a guy you think is hot at a time when you’re feeling lonely and confused. That has all the ingredients for a hookup.’
‘I’m not hooking up with him. And even if I did, why do you care? I’m single. I can do what I want.’
‘You’re not single. You’re still engaged to Cam.’
‘I’m not engaged to Cam. It’s over.’
‘It’s not over. In a few days, when you finally get your head on straight, you’ll see that he’s the guy for you and you’ll come back here and get married.’
I let out a frustrated sigh. ‘Okay, well, I can see this was a mistake calling you. ’
‘I’m just being realistic. You always have your head in the clouds. You’ve been that way forever. You need people who care about you to tell you when you’re being crazy.’
‘I’m not being crazy. What’s crazy is that the people who are supposed to care about me won’t listen to me. You. Mom. Dad. Cam. Nobody listens to me.’
‘Because you live in a fantasy world. You need to come down to earth with the rest of us and do what’s best for you and what’s best for your future.’
‘I know what’s best for my future and it’s not being with Cam. I wish you knew how unhappy I was with him. All he did was criticize me and pick apart everything I did.’
‘Then why didn’t you say anything before now?’
‘Because I knew nobody would believe me. Everyone thinks Cam is perfect. But I never felt good around him. I couldn’t relax. I felt like I was always having to put on a performance in an attempt to get his approval.’
‘He’s a perfectionist. That’s just how he is. He’s that way with everyone.’
‘Yeah, well, I don’t want to be married to someone like that. Can you imagine a lifetime of having to be perfect?’
‘Mom and Dad expect us to be perfect. You should be used to it.’
‘I don’t want that to be my future. I don’t want to live that way. Hey, would you consider going to Cam’s apartment and getting my stuff?’
‘I’m not doing that. You need to come back here and talk to Cam before you move your stuff out of his place. I’ll talk to Mom and Dad and see if one of us can go up there and get you. ’
‘I’m not going home. Not yet. I need more time, at least a week.’
‘Where are you going to stay? And how would you get there? You don’t have a car.’
‘I don’t know yet. I’ll figure it out later. I need to go. I need to give Brody his phone.’
‘Call me tomorrow so I know that guy didn’t kill you in your sleep.’
‘He’s not going to kill me.’
‘Just call so I don’t worry. And call Mom and Dad. They’re worried about you too.’
‘You guys don’t need to worry. I’m fine.’
‘Are you going to call Cam?’
‘No. I don’t have anything to say to him.’
‘You need to talk to him. You can’t just leave him at the altar and not talk to him. Plus, you have his car.’
‘Yeah, I guess I’ll have to deal with that,’ I mutter, already dreading that phone call. ‘Have you talked to him?’
‘No, I haven’t seen him since the wedding. Mom and Dad talked to his parents.’
‘What did they say?’
‘They didn’t come out and say the actual words, but it sounds like they might sue Mom and Dad for some of the wedding costs.’
‘Why would they sue them? Cam’s parents are worth millions.’
‘Yes, but technically it was Mom and Dad’s responsibility to pay for the wedding and they didn’t.’
‘Because Cam’s parents insisted on paying for it so they could get their way and have everything the way they wanted it.’
‘Well, you didn’t get married and now they want their money back. Sounds like they only want half, but still, it’s a lot.’
‘Yeah, like $150,000. Mom and Dad can’t afford that.’
‘They can, but they don’t want to pay it.’ She sighs. ‘You see all the problems you’re causing? You just need to end this and get back here. Cam’s a great guy. He may not be perfect, but he’s a lot better than some other guy.’
I take a breath, trying to remain calm. ‘For the last time, I am not marrying Cam.’
‘I don’t know why you’re being so difficult.’
‘I need to go. I’ll talk to you later. Bye, Jill.’
I end the call, then break down in tears. Calling her was a mistake. I feel worse, not better. Why can’t she be supportive? Why does she take other people’s side over mine? She’s always been like this and I don’t understand it.
We’re five years apart, so it’s not like we were ever that close, but still, I’m her sister. Her only sister. Can’t she at least try to see my side of things?