Chapter 31
thirty-one
By Monday, I’d replayed my conversation with Tripp no less than a million and one times. With each retelling, I tried to read more and more between the lines to fish out the words he hadn’t said. I was spiraling out of control. But I was more determined than ever to follow through on the contract. I would do the last challenge, and I was going to jump out of a plane. I just had to figure out how to get Tripp back on board because if I was skydiving, I didn’t want to do it alone or with anyone else.
I’d also spent plenty of time remembering every detail of our night together. But every time, I landed right back at the part where he told me he was letting me off the hook. I hated dwelling on that part because everything until then had been perfect. For the first time in my life, I’d let my walls down and invited someone in. I didn’t regret it. Even if it ended badly, I knew he was worth the risk. I was worth the risk. I’d never felt so sure or confident of myself or anything before. That single realization shifted everything for me. When it hit, I sent a text to my therapist and scheduled a midweek check-in. I needed to imprint that feeling into my brain and never forget it. I’d spent my entire life waiting and hoping to one day finally feel like I was worthy of something. Turns out, I’d just been waiting for him.
Maybe it was because he saw the real me and didn’t run. He never tried to change me. Instead, he showed me what I could do, and I’d done it. Sure, he’d helped and held my hand, but I’d pushed past the fear and allowed myself to try. I wasn’t ready to walk away from that. I had so much more to learn and experience. So much that I’d spent decades missing out on because I was afraid. I didn’t want to miss anything else. But doing any of this without him seemed impossible. Those three simple words he’d said over and over had pushed me through. I’ve got you . I believed him every time he said it. So much so that I believed me when I said it to myself. I’d learned to trust myself and others.
Before the workday started Monday morning, I made plans with my brother to start the final adventure training. He wasn’t an expert at rock climbing, but he did it often enough that he could teach me the basics. Seth was overly enthusiastic when he agreed to be my coach. He’s already filled my calendar with training sessions. At least one person was as excited as I was to continue the adventures.
After I accepted all of Seth’s meeting invitations, I pulled out my phone to text Tripp.
Hey! Are you sure you’re not up for joining me on the training for the next challenge? I typed out the message, reread it, and then deleted it. I tried again, Good morning. Still thinking about the tent.
Me too, he replied quickly.
Good morning
I’ve got everything set up for training with Seth.
That’s amazing. I am proud of you!
There’s still time to join us, if you can fit it into your calendar .
The dots indicating he was typing popped up and then disappeared. I watched them appear and disappear for several minutes before his message finally came through.
I like the idea of being surprised. Besides, the fundraiser kicks off tomorrow, and I need to review the content one last time. Want to join us? Meeting is at 3.
We’ll be there!
I reread the messages again and then dropped my phone on the desk. I should’ve left it alone; I knew where he stood on the issue. He didn’t want to be there.
Ava sensed my mood and gave me plenty of room as we worked on various projects. She then dragged me out of my office for lunch, promising me carbs and sugar.
“You’re moping,” Ava said, handing me a stack of Oreo creme. “Sugar rush?”
“I don’t think extra creme filling is going to solve this problem,” I said, “but I am willing to give it a shot.”
“You know what might help?”
“A time machine so I can go back and not get injured?”
“No. Talk to me. Tell me what happened.”
I groaned. I’d given her the highlights of the camping trip, but I’d yet to tell her what led to him deciding to let me off the hook. “Honestly, I don’t know.”
“But what did he say?”
“He said he cares too much about me to watch me get hurt again as if it's inevitable. I couldn’t help but feel a pang of self-doubt. Sure, I’d had my moments but hadn’t I proven that I could do this? Well, except for the whole wrist incident.
“Sadie, sweetie.” Whenever she said my name like that, like it was coated in caramel and chocolate, I knew I wasn’t going to like what she had to say. “It sounds like a good thing. He cares about you. He likes you.”
“So? He still thinks I’m incapable of doing what he does daily. He gave up on me.”
Ava shook her head in disbelief. “No, he didn’t. He cares about you and wants to be with you. So, let him! I know you feel the same way about him. Even now, your face lights up when you talk about him. You’re happier than I’ve ever seen you before, and no, I don’t think that is all him. You’re letting go of fear and allowing yourself to have fun.”
“But he doesn’t want the fun version of me. He wants the boring, safe version.” I dropped my gaze and avoided her inquisitive stare.
“That is not what he said.”
“You weren’t there, Ava.”
“I didn’t have to be.”
“Then how do you know what he meant?”
“Because I’m feeling it, too.” Now, I was thoroughly confused. I told her as much. “Look, I love this free and happy version of you, but it also scares me a little. I’m not used to having to worry about your physical well-being. Your mental health? Sure, all the time, but I’ve never had to give a second thought to whether or not you were safe. Now, I’m standing on the sidelines and watching as you do adventurous or dangerous things.”
I leaned against the counter in disbelief. “Do you want me to quit too?”
“No! Sadie, you’re missing the point. The point is, people care about you. We love you and want you to be safe. This thing about me being scared is about me, not you.”
“It is?”
“Yes!” Exasperation filled her voice. “And I think that scares you more than anything else.”
“You being scared?”
“I swear you can be so hard-headed! No, Sadie, you’re terrified of being loved and loving people back, which I get. You have plenty of reasons not to trust the feeling of being loved.”
“This is way too deep for a Monday morning conversation,” I joked. She playfully slapped my arm. “I hear what you’re saying, okay? This is all so new to me.”
“I know. It’s new to me, too. But be patient with yourself and with him. It sounds like he supports your decision to keep going, but he needs to figure out how to balance his needs with yours.”
“When did you get so wise?”
“Raising you hasn’t been easy,” Ava said. I laughed and shoved her off the chair. “But my baby is all grown up.”
“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes and headed back toward my office. “But thank you for loving me even though I’m a pain in the butt.”
I spent the rest of the day mulling over her words. She was right. I was more scared of relationships than anything else. I’d always known that. It was why I’d spent so much energy trying to resist my attraction to Tripp. It was why Seth and Ava were the only people in my life I’d ever truly let in. It was why I continued to reject Brett’s attempts at being a part of my life. I’d missed out on so many things in life because of fear.
I was done being afraid. Starting now. I grabbed my phone off my desk and walked upstairs. As I climbed, an idea formed. It seemed crazy and so out of character it surprised me that I’d even thought of it. But, if I was on a path to healing and moving forward, I needed to do this, and I needed to do it with them—him, specifically. Shutting my bedroom door behind me, I tapped his name and held the phone to my ear.
“Sadie? Is everything okay?” Confusion filled the voice on the other end of the line.
“Dad?” As soon as I said it, tears welled in my eyes. My throat closed, making it impossible to breathe or speak. I closed my eyes and pulled in a steadying breath. “Are you busy?”
“No, what’s going on?”
“I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Overthinking and overanalyzing. It’s what I do. And now I’m yammering. Sorry.” I can do this. I can do this. “I called to tell you I’m sorry for slamming the door or every attempt you’ve made to make things right. Your leaving broke me in a way that I don’t know if it can ever be healed, but I want to try. I’m so tired of fighting and being afraid of letting people in. I know you’re not a fan of this whole adventure thing, but I’m planning something with Seth for our birthday next week. Will you come down and watch us?”
“I’d be honored to.” His voice cracked. “Thank you.”
I gave him the details and hung up, promising to be in touch soon. Placing my hand over my chest, I waited for my heart to quit the rapid pounding it had been doing since I picked up the phone. Then, I sent the same information to Tripp. There was no going back now.